For those who have already been married at least once
Posted : 22 Jan, 2011 02:32 PM
My wife divorced me after 17 years. I loved her and fought for the marriage to save it, but it turned out she decided otherwise and that she was going to take off with another man (a guy with a potbelly and two chins) who was an old flame from college. She had me deceived all along ..
Well, flashfoward .. any woman who's read my novel, er, profile, knows I definitely plan on being married again. I am certainly not afraid to seek a good woman, because once I find one, I know I've obtained grace and favor from the Lord (there's a verse in the Old Book about that I think).
I think a Christian's approach to it, after a marriage, all depends upon what you've learned of yourself, of others and of God's leading of your life. Fear, uncertainty and pain are huge factors that your faith in His ability to restore the years and the moments you've lost should directly address. Age is a big issue too, as well as the seasons of your life. And of course, how serious is the person in terms of commitment and change? A 25 year old woman seeking to remarry who is single will not look at things the same as a 43 year old woman with children on the brink of leaving her in an empty nest. Same with a 27 year old man who has been casually dating all his life as opposed to a 51 year old man who lost his wife to cancer after 30 years of marriage. How much of their past have they dealt with in a mature manner and how much drama do they swirl around themselves?
All of this figures into how you approach things.
So, IMHO, the whole dating and courtship thing should be a lot more to the point, intentional and direct than anything else. You get an idea of the kind of date you want, scrutinize profiles closely and don't let pictures be the only thing driving you. Presume nothing .. be frankly curious and draw your boundaries very clearly. Don't let the physicality of someone sitting at a nice candlelit table or your loneliness take you out of the moment and keep you from squarely considering who this person is you are talking to, who is giving you the googoo eyes, but who is ogling all the hot chicks around you .. or who can't stop texting her BFF while you talk.
I've been winked at and favorited several times here in the five months I've been online here, so it's a blessing to know I'm still marketable .. but I'm not letting that draw me away from the focuse I have on who I'm dating, on who I might dream I might live the rest of my remaining life with.
For those who have already been married at least once
Posted : 22 Jan, 2011 04:34 PM
Afraid? No. In fact, I'm more 'afraid' I won't get married again (there's a marked dearth of single men in my age range where I live).
I agree with Preacher - for many of us who have been married, we have a much better idea of what we want and don't want in a relationship. Of what we need and what we can give. Of things that truly are deal-breakers versus things that seem big but really aren't.
And I will say this: I have learned a lot about the type of man I want to marry. I'm not looking for that "in love" stuff. I want a companion, a friend whom I can admire and respect. That infatuation-y "love" is transitory; you commit to the marriage, not the person anyway.
For those who have already been married at least once
Posted : 22 Jan, 2011 04:46 PM
true,you are both right.How old you are and where you are in your life plays a huge factor in what you will be looking for in a spouse.When one gets older they want to know as much about the person before they go on a date as possible.We don't want to go on a thousand dates with people with almost empty profiles in order to find out what could have been accomplished with a well written one.
For those who have already been married at least once
Posted : 23 Jan, 2011 10:16 AM
I think the tragic thing about the whole dating scene online is that the liability that a man or a woman brings into their efforts can very quickly multiply if they run across someone with less than clear morals, scruples or ethics.
I've read a lot of profiles and talked to a lot of women .. and I see that more often than not, divorced women just as often display a real sad naivete about how life and men can be. This can be for any one of a hundred reasons, but very often they don't seem to show a lot of emotional depth, personal maturity and are easily swayed by infatuations or impulses. They trust too quickly, they get attached too readily, they read too much into what's said and they read their ideals about a man into a complete stranger who they don't know from Adam.
I've run across women here and in other venues that I have made online friendships with who, after realizing we're not going to hit it off, but who recognize that I'm a decent guy after all, ventilate about that point often in tears or frustration. I think it's because they don't relationally mature or develop when previously attached to a BF or husband .. and consequently are pretty vulnerable. I feel so sorry for them .. their nightmare continues when they run into some "godly man" who often acts more like a hormonal 14 year old who uses "American Pie" as his standard for living and not Scripture.
For those who have already been married at least once
Posted : 23 Jan, 2011 06:53 PM
Preacher, your first post was really good, this one..I don't know about:
"I've read a lot of profiles and talked to a lot of women .. and I see that more often than not, divorced women just as often display a real sad naivete about how life and men can be. This can be for any one of a hundred reasons, but very often they don't seem to show a lot of emotional depth, personal maturity and are easily swayed by infatuations or impulses. They trust too quickly, they get attached too readily, they read too much into what's said and they read their ideals about a man into a complete stranger who they don't know from Adam"
I am not doubting you have talked to many women (preachers always get an earful don't they? part of the job!):excited:
But,from my experience, the divorces I have seen, the men can't seem to make it alone and are pretty quick to jump (if not to another marriage, to another bed) And yes, I am speaking of professing Christians. (most recently, a pastor, and two w/ positions in the church who married w/in a year!) These three recent ones were all married for a long time, so maybe that has something to do with what I have seen. but I see some pretty amazing women who because of what happened to them, they are able to council others as well as get on with a life walked more closely w/ the Savior they have (out of necessity) been clinging to.
long winded tonight. sorry. but I for one would have to say I am very wary about remarriage. (I just happen to like men friends a lot, and am careful to make friends w/ single ones as opposed to my girlfriends husbands...which of course would make another really good post~
For those who have already been married at least once
Posted : 24 Jan, 2011 06:21 PM
Mind you, shepherdess (nice name, I like that!) .. I tried to qualify that statement. Certainly not ALL divorced women are that vulnerable or ill advised, but yes there are many who are. And yes, it's not just in this strange cyberworld of online meeting and discussion but also in the real world where I do meet women in entirely ministerial settings that this happens to.
A friend of my ex, a beautiful and godly young mom who wanted so badly to have a Christian home, ended up being raped by her scumsucking "Christian" man who treated her like trash in one of his drunken reveries. In deep pain, she turned to the comfort of strangers on the Internet and found a "minister" who she could share with. 2 years later, they'd shared a bed several times and she became pregnant. Despite all of our attempts to try to get her to leave this equally loathesome character, she chose to pursue a relationship with him EVEN THOUGH HE WAS MARRIED. She's know pushing out babies for this dog every 9 months and needless to say, his marriage ended rather abruptly.
And I'm sure he's still "counseling" on the Internet. I found his website not long after that full of his stinkingly self righteous raving ranting about holiness and women dressing right, having their hair cut just so, how rock and roll was evil. Grrrrrrrr ...
This is an example of a woman knowing what was right to do and doing it not because of their own issues and failure to mature beyond them before jumping into mingling with the Sons of Men. And this is not casting stones at women, because more than enough men (like the two fools mentioned above) do just as wrongly.
