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What's the BEST way to complain?
Posted : 28 Nov, 2010 11:17 AM
I can really relate to the gal in this encouraging and inspiring article on "positive complaining" from one of the issues of In Touch magazine ... it's MY natural tendency too to shy away from confronting someone, not wanting to cause conflict and dislike between us, usually (but I DO have my FEISTY side too about SOME affronts!!!) ... so ... this wisdom was another special blessing for my heart and spirit to note and plan to apply when needed.
Love to all,
Your Barefoot Guy To Love Brother in Christ,
Steve
Positively Complaining
Four Ways to Say What You Need to Say
By Barbara Neal Varma
I�ll always remember my 78-year-old mother�s deep embarrassment when a hurried nurse�s aide stripped her of her street clothes and got her into a medical gown, right in front of the hospital room�s broad window.
Tears welled in Mom�s eyes as she told me about it the next morning: �I asked her to please close the blinds but she was in a hurry. I even tried to pull the sheet from the bed to cover up.�
My heart grieved, imagining my ever-modest mother tugging at her dignity while the aide treated her like a Macy�s mannequin on display. Mom whispered the rest: �She said, �Don�t worry; no one cares.��
I saw red. Sure, we were on the fourth floor, high enough to discourage any prospective Peeping Toms, but still, what would it have taken�three, maybe five seconds to pull the shades and accommodate my mother�s modesty?
I gently brushed back the snow-white hair from her brow, assured her no one could have seen a thing from the window�s vantage point, and made a quick mental note to self: Find the guilty aide and give her a piece of this loving daughter�s mind!
Only one problem. Along with her round brown eyes and dimpled smile, I�d inherited my mom�s deep dislike of conflict and its cousin: confrontation. I simply wasn�t one to complain�yet Mom�s recovery from a bout with the flu would keep her in the hospital a few more days. How could I make sure something like this didn�t happen again?
Pass On the Whine.
Robin Kowalski, psychology professor at Clemson University and leading expert on the art and science of complaining, says there are definite times when situations warrant and even benefit from candid objection: when the new car stalls right off the lot, when a recent �bargain� bathroom repair spouts a new geyser, when a loved one is not handled with care in a cold and unfeeling hospital. Indeed, despite society�s finger-wagging at complaining in general, Kowalski and her colleagues� research proves there are good sides to a good gripe�from simple catharsis even to positive global and social change.
As with most things in life, strategy and motivation are key. Use complaints, the experts say, to make something right, not tear something�or someone�down. �It�s a difficult balance,� Kowalski admits, �but if you can manage to raise your concerns without crossing over into whining, your words will be better received and attended to.�
Technique counts. The words you choose when presenting your complaint can be just as important as the delivery, especially if the goal is not simply to get something off your chest but to right a perceived wrong. Kowalski advises, �Express your dissatisfaction in a way that is non-threatening yet strategic, and you�re more likely to get what you�re going for.�
Seek Out Those in Authority.
First Peter 1:13 reminds us that in this life, we are to prepare our minds for action. So before I went to find the aide who�d mishandled my mom, I mentally practiced what I would say, even phoning my husband first to rehearse my lines. As usual, he had a good suggestion: Instead of confronting the young woman in question, talk to the supervisory nurse instead. �She�ll have control over what happens on the floor,� he said.
Roger that.
Communication experts agree that for best results, you need to be strategic when voicing your concerns. You need to know exactly what you�re complaining about, what you want to see happen, and as my savvy spouse said, who can help you achieve that outcome. Kowalski notes that while it�s true the number one reason we complain is to vent, people with legitimate objections would do well to be more selective with their audience. �If you want to solve a problem,� she says, �then go to someone who can offer more than just a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.�
The psychology professor recommends a three-step method: First, clearly state what you are complaining about to reduce the chance of misunderstanding. Next, decide what it is you want or would like to see happen in the situation. And finally, as Kowalski advised, approach only those who have the power to do something about it.
Take Courage.
I admit the whole thing made me queasy. Walking towards the mammoth circular nurses� station with its precarious stacks of files, charts, and the occasional Starbucks cup was reminiscent of buckling up for my first roller coaster ride at the age of nine. Like mother, like daughter, I thought. Whether it was a generational or genetic trait, Mom�s tendency to avoid making waves was carried on in me, her only daughter. No doubt she�d be worried to know I was heading straight into the valley of dispute, but the memory of her fear and embarrassment pushed me forward. I knew this was one battle I had to face.
Social scientists say that if you want to play the complaint game and be a serious contender�one your audience will consider credible, confident, and ultimately right�then do so with courage. Although these situations are not comparable to the war Joshua faced, we can apply God�s advice for him to our own situations: �Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go� (Josh. 1:9 niv).
Despite that timeless wisdom, complaint studies show most folks will avoid openly dicey dialogue, approaching instead a person they know will not cause a scene�in other words, someone who is not the offender or even involved in the offense but who knows enough about the situation to offer cozy commiseration. That�s all well and good if you simply want to bend someone�s ear, researchers say. But if you want to change the world (or defend your mommy), you�re better off running the risk of conflict than losing the opportunity to speak out for a common good.
Be of Good Cheer.
�How may I help you?� the lead nurse asked, shaking my hand. She was dressed in the same colorful cotton smock as the rest of her crew but the clipboard she clutched at her side and the stray strands of hair escaping an otherwise tidy bun bespoke a woman in command.
I took a deep breath. �My mom�s a patient here,� I said, starting with the who�s who. �She�s 78 years old and has spent most of those 78 years being shy and modest.� (Gentle humor to engage rapport.)
The nursing supervisor smiled and regarded me with patience and understanding. Perhaps she had an ultra shy mom too. Encouraged, I forged on and explained about the gown, the aide, and the window, careful to keep my comments clear of any blame that might distract from my message. I ended with the call to action: �I�d like to request that when they dress my mom, they take the time to draw the privacy curtain around the bed and also close the blinds.� Toes clinched, I resisted adding any disclaimers like �if that�s all right with you.�
The head nurse nodded. �Of course, and, actually, from what you told me, I think it would be best if I assigned a new attendant to her room�someone who�s more used to caretaking our seniors.�
�Oh, we�re not wanting to get anyone in trouble��
�It�s fine,� she assured me. �We often rotate the staff according to patients� needs.� She reached out to touch my arm. �I�m glad you said something. You�re a good daughter.�
Her simple praise made me want to cheer and burst into tears all at the same time, one of my many talents.
Professor Kowalski, also a wife and mom, says taking a stand requires balance. �Remember to pick your audience for both what they can offer you�sympathy, empathy�and what they can do for you in the end. Be cheerful. If you can learn to express your dissatisfaction in a way that is positive, you�re likely to get more of what you�re going for.�
And as Zechariah 8:16 (NIV) says, �These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts.�
The next morning mom greeted me with an easy grin. Once again I brushed her hair back from her brow. �So how are you feeling this morning?�
�Better,� she said, confirming the returning sparkle in her eyes.
�Any more undressing dramas?� I asked softly.
Her face brightened even more. �You know, there was someone new last night�Elena, I think. She was very nice.� Then, as if sharing a secret, she said: �She closed the blinds before I even asked.�
I smiled with relief. Thank you, Lord.
Mom squeezed my hand. �And how are you this morning?�
I just shrugged my shoulders, smiled my mom�s smile. �Absolutely great,� I said. �Got no complaints.�
Copyright 2010 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.
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