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Have you "been there and back again"?
Posted : 27 Nov, 2010 08:00 AM
Here's another encouraging and inspiring article from In Touch magazine that blessed my heart to read about one of our sisters in the Lord who has ...
Steve
There and Back Again
�Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? . . . If I make my bed in the depths, you are there� (Psalm 139:7-8 NIV)
By Tonya Stoneman
Kristen Jane Anderson lives just a couple of blocks from the train tracks that changed her life forever. When she looks out of her living room window, she can see the Wisconsin Central Railway, which runs through the village center. It�s a heavily used freight line that also carries commuter rail traffic from Antioch, Illinois, to the Chicago Loop. If she�s not near a window, she can hear the train�s low whistle and steady rumble. Amazingly, these constant reminders don�t bother her. She�s steadfast and philosophical about the whole thing. She�s 26 now, and 17 was a long time ago.
She�d been spiraling downward for a couple of years, and her parents didn�t know what to do. There was the death of her grandmother, the suicide of a good friend, and two other losses. She was raped and bullied at school. When the stress became unmanageable, Kristen�s body retaliated. She began throwing up every day and crumbling inside. Counselors offered gentle rebukes and antidepressants that did little to help. Her parents took her on vacation and tightened the reigns on their defiant daughter. Still, the misery of everyday life pressed her until she broke.
Two days after New Year�s Eve, Kristen went for a walk in the park near her house and decided not to come back. She sat on a swing for an hour or so contemplating life and death and ultimately concluded nothing could take away her pain. It was the sound of an approaching train that propelled her into action. Without much forethought, she went to the tracks, laid her body across them�face down, fists clenched, eyes closed�and waited for the end.
Fifty-five freight cars rolled over her body. According to the laws of physics, she should have been sucked up and pulled into the train�s steel undercarriage, yet she vividly recalls a heavy force pushing her into the ground. And she remembers the song �Amazing Grace� ringing in her ears�a sure indication she was in heaven, she thought. But when the train had passed, she sat up, dazed, and looked at her legs lying about ten feet away. The shiny white sneakers she�d gotten for Christmas confirmed they were hers. Unable to process the information her eyes registered, Kristen reached down to where her legs would have been and brought up a bloody hand. That�s when unimaginable pain shot through her body. Awake to the awful reality of her circumstances, she began crying for her mother the way a small child would.
Her mother didn�t hear her, though. She�d gone out looking for Kristen when it got late. There was a commotion of police cars and people down by the railroad tracks, and talk that someone had tried to take her own life. Struggling to force foreboding thoughts out of her mind, she told an officer there about her missing daughter. When he gave a description of the victim, she rushed to the hospital.
Although Kristen had lost several pints of blood, she remained conscious throughout the entire ordeal until a doctor later sedated her for the first of numerous surgeries. She remembers the face of a fireman looking into her eyes and his hand brushing the hair from her forehead. She remembers the ambulance, the hospital room, the looks on people�s faces�particularly her mother�s.
Fragments of conversations with doctors and visitors stand out in her mind.
�I�m so glad we found you, honey.�
�But they cut off my new clothes, Mom.�
�That�s okay, sweetie. We�ll buy more.�
�Am I going to live?�
�Maybe. We�ll know more soon.�
�My legs are gone.�
�You don�t need your legs. You�ll be just fine without them.�
The next three years were really hard for Kristen. Initially, she couldn�t accept the fact that she had tried to commit suicide. Friends and family rallied around her and provided everything they could to make life �normal� again. During her first outing to church, a woman she�d never met walked up to her and said, �It�s a good thing you didn�t die. You�d have gone to hell if you did.�
Maybe it was the residue of shock, or perhaps she�d been through too much trauma to take offense, but Kristen chose to allow that statement to provoke a search within her. She knew that, logically speaking, she should have died and began to seriously contemplate what would have come next, had that happened.
A soft-spoken seminary student helped steer her toward answers that rang true. He told her she had been created by God to spend eternity with Him�we all were�but sin had separated her from Him, and that�s why Jesus died for her. He explained that Christ died for every single one of us. He paid the penalty for our sins so we could be forgiven. But we have to choose to accept His priceless gift.
Kristen says she knew that something really important was missing from her life and that if she accepted Christ�s sacrifice for her, a lot would change. She sat on the floor in her parents� dining room that night, broken and humble, and said a simple prayer. She told God that she realized her life wasn�t hers to take�and asked Him to come into her heart.
For the first time, she felt true forgiveness. She felt free. That was three months after she lost her legs, and while the struggle against suicidal thoughts and depression continued, Kristen moved closer to God each day. Her recovery came about through years of counseling, one day at a time, one issue at a time until, five years later, she broke her silence and began speaking honestly about her life.
That mountain, and a thousand others, were climbed as she learned to walk spiritually. When God asked her to depend on Him more than on her friends and doctors, she did. When He extended an invitation of friendship, she accepted. And when He steered her toward college and ministry, she eagerly pursued those avenues.
Kristen says she doesn�t need her legs anymore�she�s complete in spite of losing them. �Being in a wheelchair honestly doesn�t bother me. I�ve learned how to live without them, and my life is a lot better,� she says.
Initially, her biggest fear was what other people would think. That, and how she�d maneuver without legs. �I�m able to get around in my wheelchair,� she says. �God has taught me a lot in my wheelchair�a lot about life and about me. When I lost my legs, I found my value in Him. He�s shown me how special I am, how beautiful I am, and how differently He sees me than I see myself. I don�t need my legs because they don�t make me who I am.�
Kristen says God used her pain to bring her to where she is now. �How could I not be happy with the change He has brought about in my life?�
Today, ten years after her suicide attempt, Kristen dedicates her time to helping others who find themselves in the place she once was. Statistics tell us that 18 percent of teenagers seriously think about or attempt suicide. And the numbers are no better in Christian homes. A graduate of Moody Bible Institute, Kristen founded Reaching You Ministries, an outreach to those struggling with depression and suicide. �I don�t want to wait until people are suicidal,� she says. �I want to help them now�before they get to that point�while they�re struggling with discouragement and depression.�
Though she can�t walk, Kristen has traveled all over the country, telling her story and ministering to others. She�s appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show and Larry King Live, driven alone from Illinois to Montana to reach out to others, published a memoir, and been featured by numerous media outlets all over the country. The joy in her is radiant and contagious. She�s not even 30, yet the wisdom Kristen shares with others carries a weight of authority. She has gone all the way down to the bottom of life�s darkest place and emerged with power and purpose. She has allowed God to completely transform her life.
It�s strange that the depths of loneliness have brought Kristen so much renown. But her life is still simple and straightforward. She sits by the window in the home where she grew up and gives the press an interview. The train goes by on schedule. She pauses and asks a teary-eyed journalist if she�s okay. When the lights and cameras are taken down, she climbs piggyback onto her boyfriend�s shoulders, and he carries her out to the sidewalk, where he helps her into her wheelchair. They make their way, hand-in-hand, toward the park in the glow of a setting sun.
Life in Spite of Me
Read more of Kristen Anderson�s inspiring story in her book, Life in Spite of Me: Extraordinary Hope After a Fatal Choice. To purchase, visit our online bookstore or call Customer Care at 1-800-789-1473 (US) or 1-800-323-3747 (Canada).
Copyright 2010 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.
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