So i was talking with a friend today who share similar life experiences in terms of guy / girl relations. We've both been in this situation when we have had relationships with guys who claim to be patient with girls like us who though don't have our hearts on lockdown but don't really not just date but give ourselves freely in an emotional context with every guy. anyway they claim to be patient and things go well you help them out, pray with them, fast with them and when you open your heart to them they leave and take what they learnt and move on to healthy happy relationships and we're left a bit heartbroken cause you've finally opened up to someone. Why promise to be there in the first place and why do you think we actually believe them?
It sounds to me like you're getting way too emotionally invested in guys way too fast. Things like praying together and fasting together are best left until you're married or at least in a serious, committed, longterm relationship. Even then you need to be careful that you don't jump into marriage-level emotional intimacy before marriage. And if you can't offer a healthy and happy relationship, it's probably not wise to be dating for a while anyways. Talking, praying, and fasting with female friends, getting a female mentor, reading Christian books, listening to sermons, etc. for a period will do so much more for you than any guy ever could.
Well, I think maybe it depends on your background and what types of things you're sharing when you open your heart up. For me, I have some pretty dark and ugly things. And while I tell men that up front, I think they always imagined something much rosier than what the reality really is. Because of that, they were not prepared for what I eventually shared and took off because it was too much for them.
My personal opinion is that such men are emotionally weak. I can understand having difficulty dealing with things... but just because you marry someone who is open straight away and has nothing ugly or complex to share doesn't mean that your lives together will continue on in such a bright and wonderful way. If a guy runs from difficulties, then that's a HUGE red flag for me. I would not want to be married to someone who takes off at the first sign of something that isn't easy or pleasurable.
With my current boyfriend, we were friends for about 3 months before we became involved romantically. And because of having experienced guys who just take off when I open up, I was very upfront with him during the friendship stage. And, hey, he's still around several months later =)
And, I don't go around telling everyone everything upfront. I use some discretion there, of course. I think what I've learned, though is that if I don't feel safe opening up to a guy that he's probably not the one. For me anyway, my first impression of a guy is usually pretty right now... So, I'm not in the comfort zone in a matter of weeks of knowing a guy, that's a good sign for me that it just isn't going to happen. And comfort grows over time... But if I'm still feeling completely closed off months into knowing a guy then I'll probably always want to be closed off with him.
I do think that guys need to be careful about this, though. Don't ask a a girl to open up if you don't have the emotional and spiritual strength to truly deal with whatever it is she may tell you. When a guy tells a girl that he can be trusted and that he'll be there for her, he needs to keep his end of the bargain. And I'm not saying he has to marry her or anything, but he shouldn't run off just because she's opened up about something that he realized he didn't want to actually hear about after all.
Thanks for the responses guys. In my case I don't date much and my relationship started out as a friendship and the fasting and praying came in service to a friend. But he asked me to trust him ... and because of certain things that have happened I haven't exactly trusted men he was the first. then all of a sudden we were in love, then he walked away. that was hard to take, I miss the friendship most of all. he's married now with kids and are happy and doesn't even speak to me but made sure to tell me whatever he had done to me make sure i didn't have a bad perspective with guys. i know these things happen but if ur not ready for something serious why initiate it in the first place?
I think I misinterpreted your first post, so thanks for clarifying. I don't know everything that went on in his head or where his new wife came from, but feelings change. It doesn't sound like he handled it well, but it seems pretty clear since they're married now that they were meant to happen. It doesn't make it any easier to handle though.
My original suggestion of prayer/reading/sermons/etc. still stands though because I can't really recommend someone NOT do any of those. They're good ideas for everybody, regardless of whether they're dating!
Maybe it's an emotional maturity thing if it looks like something that will take a lot of effort and support to work through. But to me it raises a flag on the level of commitment a guy has in the first place. That would be the deeper issue. If the commitment is there, he would put the energy in even if he didn't know just how to handle it. He would do what he could to prove his care and trust. If there's a lack of commitment it just becomes another point against and a reason to sever and move on. Not that it makes it right. If he says he'll be there he should be. Anything less is just stringing someone along. Maybe that comes full circle to emotional maturity?
As for why you believe them, you're not wrong in the least to take them at their word. Yet as a matter of practice, pixy may be right that it's an acquired skill knowing who really means it.
I also think that's it wise to bathe "difficult" conversations in prayer and to prepare the other person some in advanced.
For example...
Let's say that you've been sexually assaulted (and were a virgin prior to that) and your boyfriend asks if you're a virgin, and of course there's that dilemma of wondering what to say. Do you just give a yes or no answer? Do you give a lot of details? If you do, do you get really graphic with the details? What you can say is, "I lost my virginity, but it wasn't consensual sex." Yes, that's opening up a little bit, but it's not opening up to the extent that you're totally pouring your heart out. And then, you can see how the guy responds and gauge your next step from there.
A lot of times, if you're telling a guy something difficult, he's not going to know what to say right away. And that's okay. A decent guy will eventually find something to say, though. He may ask a question or just say something like, "I'm sorry that happened to you."
At any rate, you've given him a brief explanation of the issue and opened the door up for further conversation about it. I would advise, at that point, to not really talk a whole lot more about whatever it is until you've done some serious prayer. And if the guy's a decent guy, he's going to be praying about whatever you've shared too. Let him do that and give him time to really digest what you've shared. And then, after some time has passed, it'll probably just naturally come in conversation again and you can share further.
And that example could apply to all sorts of things that are difficult to talk about... past addictions, abusive parents, etc.
I think by sharing gradually, though, that it makes it easier on both of you. He doesn't bombarded and if he does decide to run away, he's done it before you've shared everything. You've let him know that there an issue and a reasonably intelligent guy will know that there's more to story that what you've said and will provide a safe environment for you in which to share further.
But as I said earlier, my 1st impression of a guy is usually right on. Sometimes I ignore it, but that's another story. Haha... So, if I see that a guy has potential as a bf/mate, I'm going to give him a brief overview of things pretty early on. I don't ever want to be in a situation again where I've felt like I've been in love with someone and then had him take off because he found something out that he just couldn't deal with.
It's interesting you mention how you trust your first impression of a guy so much. I just started reading "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, and it's all about how our instincts/intuition can catch a lot of things way before we can consciously define them or come up with reasons for our conclusions. It's pretty interesting.
I didn't used to... Kinda learned that one the hard way. I would get a bad first impression of a guy (or anyone really), but then would feel like I should be nice and give him a chance and not just reject him or dismiss him. But, in the end, he would just prove himself to be who I thought he was originally.
I think it basically happens of that guys are simple (I hear this came out fom a guy's mouth), so based on that fact, sometimes guys just want to have it in simple way. For example, you're asking him to pray and fast with him, he saw it as a simple thing and so he just did it. MAYBE, along the praying and fasting he got something else came his ways and he had no guts or did not have the heart to tell you what have happened, leaving you praying and fasting alone along with broken heart in the end. I am not blaming anyone here, there is always two sides of a coin, and we could never know what he had in mind unless we asked him upfront. MAYBE, he was not such a believer as you thought he was (I believe a true man of God would not do such thing). There are just too much thing if you are addressing "why" here, only him and God who know. So, be tough, sister =) I know how you feel and I am terribly sorry to hear that.. Can't answer your question, but if you need an encouragement, you know where to find me =)
Is it really that surprising that guys would rather deal with their own issues and lives rather than yours?
Some of us get the notion that putting those thing on hold to rescue a damsel in distress is good until they find out that the damsel is in perpetual distress and it gets boring and becomes a liability because while they can clean up her messes, who's there to clean up his? Him? Her? Anyone? Then when we choose to forego all that stuff and move on and get back to our stuff they make us a whipping boy for 'not being emotionally strong enough to be there for them'.
Women are the exact same way. If a guy is always going 'Oh, woe is me, life's so difficult and unfair. Want to hear the latest bad thing that happened?' they leave too. It is possible to open up without piling on. The difference is choosing to rather than needing to. If you really absolutely must need to, talk to a counselor or somebody because they're the only ones that can help. Getting stronger is not weakness. Piling on is weakness.
Also nobody is as happy as you think they are.
I'm sorry you feel like this I really am. But the way out is you need to be the one that gets you over your own issues, not somebody else, least of all a total stranger that doesn't know what he's walking into. Look on the bright side: You can do it. And when you do you'll be that much stronger and can just choose to make yourself happy and be able to trust yourself and others easier and much much more closer and capable of finding the right guy for you.
