I was wondering if I can enlist the opinions of my brothers about another "brother" with whom i've had a weird relationship. Can anyone help me understand where this guy might be coming from? Here's the dealio:
I met him a few years back at a singles' Bible study. We connected instantly & kept hitting it off from there. At first,he was talking about how unattracted he was to me, but how he also feels drawn to me somehow. I told him it was unnecessary to define a relationship so soon and perhaps if we're comfortable for now, we should just take it easy and see what happens. so-we remained friends.
Well -every time we were together, it was apparent that there was something special between us (not to sound too disney, but best way to describe it was "magical").
Well -after ignoring it from my part b/c I didn't want to pressure him (wasn't sure if he was interested since last discussion), he brought up the PINK ELEPHANT and felt like he had to address his feelings again but didn't know what he wanted to do about it. AGAIN -to take the pressure off, I said that until he's sure I'm happy to be friends and he shouldn't feel like I need an answer NOW about wat kind of relationship he wants.
Well -it has now become a pattern for a few years: he & I connect easily, we long for more, he entertains ideas of starting something with me -gets 1cm before revealing his true feelings for me or just part of them & then a week or so later winds up with a new girlfriend and we go back to being D I S T A N T friends. we may not talk for months -year b4 he calls me again, announces his breakup and wants to try being friends again (cycle starts all over again). happened about 3 times in 4 years. Oh yeah, his last-minute reason for not asking me out when he tells me that he thinks i'm the one and that God wants us together is that he needs to get things straightened out between him and God.
I think he has feelings for me but is afraid of them OR he's just a player who likes to keep me as a back-up plan for female attention when he doesn't have a girlfriend (until the next one comes along) OR he's a total fake and liar and there is NO reason to trust him at all.
I keep falling for him for reasons unknown, but I think since the last time he showed his temper -it scared all the loving feelings out of me and I think it's over for good. It's been 3mos since our last conversation and he seems to be thinking about me again, but now I'm afraid of him & not sure I wanna do the dance again.
Shouldn't I just run and not look back? Should I try to be his friend if he is sincere, but just take the intimate relationship idea off the table? Should I consider the possibility that he could change & trust God to do a number on him even though he has never declared his feelings for me with confidence or directly? I don't know how to take this guy?
Men, please tell me how I should treat this brother who seems to care about me but not for me and duzn't seem to know how to decide what to do with our relationship?
"please tell me how I should treat this brother who seems to care about me but not for me and duzn't seem to know how to decide what to do with our relationship?"
Treat him as a brother. Nothing more.
If it takes this much guessing and analyzing to try to determine what he wants, if he has feelings for you, etc., then I don't believe that you have the proper soil for a romantic relationship to grow out of. Solid foundations are not built from guesswork, lack of caring, or lack of initiative.
From your other posts, I'm getting the impression that you have something against men who actively pursue women. And I must disagree w/ you there. I think a guy who understands the Biblical role of a man, both prior to and within marriage, will be a pursuer. He'll be a leader... He'll show initiative... If a guy isn't doing that w/ you, then he's either not interested in you or doesn't fully understand what being a man entails. If it's the latter, then I don't believe that he's mature enough for marriage.
I hate to spew my gloom and doom all over the place here, but I really don't see any potential for a romantic relationship between the two of you. If it's been many years and he still isn't ready/wanting to be involved with you in that way, then I'm fairly confident that he isn't ever going to want to be involved w/ you in that way. If he does have a change of heart down the road, then great! Maybe you'll be available... But maybe you won't =) Don't put your life on hold for this guy; he's clearly not putting anything on hold for you...
The kind of Christ-centered covenant commitment that a Biblical marriage requires MUST, at the very least, begin with more than a fair-weathered friendship. There MUST be a very deep caring for the heart of the other person... the kind of caring that won't drop your heart and shatter it when the next best thing comes along.
i have 2 cars..i like both cars alot.one is a little dodge shadow
great go to work car,very dependable..she's a nice!
but i alos have another car a nice LHS real nice car.i love both cars,but i tend to drive the LHS 99% of the time,unless it breaks down...then bumming i go to my shadow(who still a nice car)but miss driving the lHS..
saying nicely...yeah he likes you alot,but seems to be putting you on the back burner,without a doubt..and a sweet girl like you takes it.to me sound typical male.
i dont think he's intrested in you as much as he should be..
remmember the song "i will survive"
stand your ground,take a deep breath and yell..!!!NEXT!!!
TinkerBell speaks the Truth! She is (once again) right on the money!
I believe the key thing here is the "Anger Thing" that frightened you. Remember that movie where the guy had his mother always at the window and then it turned out that HE was his mother and that she has been dead for a long while? RUN!!
Didn't his talking to himself give you any clues? RUN!!
Seriously...with as much Love as you can muster and with a friend close by, tell him that you've "MOooved On".
Thank you, MEN, for your wonderful opinions. GREAT helps.
I know he's been fighting feelings for me & I told him that I don't like the inconsistency of his behavior b/c it breeds distrust and I can't have a relationship with that. The last conversation I had with this guy was when he finally asked me out & told me he believes that we have a future together. I called his behavior abusive at best and considering my prior violations from men, I can NOT subject myself to that. I said that as much as I wish we could have a relationship together, I refuse to let anyone treat me like that and it is not behavior I will ever accept. I want better/more and if I don't get it, I would rather die alone. He got the message and hasn't really talked to me since. Altho, our brother/sister-type thing remains (at distance) since we are in several ministries together at our church. He's a great guy. He just hasn't been a great guy to me. I believe that he isn't capable of intimacy and I can't live without it. The rest of the great connections cannot make up for that.
I've moved on and when he's hungry for me again, I'm hoping it's because I'm with someone else and don't have to go thru all that again.
ALSO: pixy, I am actually LOOKING for a man who understands my worth well enuf to come after me, but I don't want it with expectations of what I owe him for doing that. I don't just want to be pursued (for personal conquest). I want to be wooed. (does anyone still use that word:laugh:) and on MY terms, not his.
I'm interested in being PROTECTED by a man who loves me. not that he can be anything like God, but I mean that he understands my crazy-wild NEED to feel safe before I'm expected to trust him. I have a lot of abuse in my past and I am SOOO ready to learn to trust a man again, but ONLY if he gives me the right to determine for myself how quickly I trust and why. I hate the pressure of men telling me what I should think/feel about him BEFORE I have the right to decide for myself. He's not protecting me yet (not in love), he's just trying to GET me. THAT's the part I'm against -not the pursuit of love. So-even overall, I believe that that is an obsessive gimme attitude that I think is inconsiderate and unkind of a stranger to ask of any strange woman.....
well -never meant to reveal so much, but that's how my perspective has been shaped. I am even MORE respectful of men and honor them and am too blessed and healed to be bitter in general. But-I've been thru a LOT and just want room for my right to think for myself and the joy of deciding a relationship & its terms with someone I get to know instead of letting him color me into his own definition of what he wants me to become. When I feel safe, I willingly adjust. I am TOOOOOO accomodating to just fall in beside any man and let him just take me wherever he wants. it's best for me to know that our paths just go together. no trying to color in another figure into a place he duzn't fit. -disrespectful
well from my point of veiw he views ya as a way to ease out of his failed relationships. If he truly cared for ya he wouldn't use you for something uncomplicated. Another question would be to ask yourself what do you want. then see if this guy really matches up to that, or if he is able to grab an emotional hold on ya.
