Author	Thread: DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY?
LUVmyJESUS View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 07:29 AM I've seen many men distraught from divorce. They are confident men on the outside.. but once you get to know them.. you can see the insecurities. (NO judgement here.. women have this issue too... but I need help understanding from a man's point of view). Unfortunately, sometimes (in my opinion) insecurities lead to behavior that makes it difficult for a woman to handle. In particular... womanizing, commenting about other women's bodies, gawking at them when they are with you, even going as far to say that they would like to"doink" them...PLEASE! I met a man once who I felt so compatible with... felt that God placed in my heart to understand HIM specifically. We dated for 8 mths long distance. He made great effort...travelled 1200 miles 4 times, I travelled once. We just couldn't seem to let go of eachother... but then spent a week long vacation together... and this behavior (which I don't know of one single female friend who would have handled it as well as I did)... ruined our relationship. He seemed "hurt" that I had issues about it. Yet... he never really gave ME compliments... but always set me up to compliment HIM.. which I did freely because thats how I am. While we were on vacation.. he got on the internet to start looking again. We never really could talk this out. We never had a volitile conversation..nothing dramatic. I expressed how I felt.. he kept saying "give him time"... but obviously he wanted to move on and date so I suggested he do what he had to do. I wanted a closure conversation because we never had one... he has totally CLOSED off from me... obviously wants NO communication and I will "ladylike" honor his wishes. We had such a good time... even after the occurrence during our vacation. He had told me he was falling in love..scared because its the first time since his divorce of 3 yrs. (married 23). I can't believe it ended like that...no closure... and yet we really had nothing that traumatic happen. CAN A MAN PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS BEHAVIOR TO ME... AND ENLIGHTEN ME ON PERHAPS SOMETHING I COULD LEARN ABOUT MYSELF! I keep it all in prayer... always have... can't stand to see a hurting soul... try to love with the love of Jesus. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!! Post Reply
Tulip89 View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 11:43 AM I'm not psychologist, but here's my best explanation of his thought processes: He's been hurt very badly. If he had never fallen in love, she could have never hurt him like that. Therefore, if he never lets himself fall in love again, he can't be hurt like that again. Therefore, he does what he can to sabotage any serious relationship he gets into. Post Reply
LUVmyJESUS View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 01:13 PM Thanks for taking the time to offer a reply... I appreciate it! I guess everyone deals with things differently... it just seems like such a waste. Especially at my age... it's not easy to find someone you're compatible with and life is short really. Thanks again! =) Post Reply
View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 01:29 PM Everyone has their insecurities they need to deal with. The only way I feel truly secure is with God. He's like my quantuum of solace. I've always kinda known I've had them, recently have begun taking them to God and allow Him to be the source of my joy, confidence, and all the other things that attract other people, as well as opening up the black boxes satan puts on my heart labeled 'unloveable' and 'nothing to offer' and shake them out and hold them up to His light and allow Him to heal the hurts I've suffered from not seeking Him and letting Him be my source to store the things I need to be secure about in. It's like trying to move a mountain, but fortunately for us, God is in the mountain moving business. Post Reply
LUVmyJESUS View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 01:56 PM Amen brother! Now.. could you earnestly pray for these older men out here who are distraught by divorce! We ALL come to the throne "unworthy" ... we should come to the throne transparent.. and as you say... open the black box... "let it all hang out"... lol. There is NOTHING we can do... HE washes us clean as snow! Thanks for the word/encouragement... makes me feel much better! =) kim Post Reply
silentone23 View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 05:19 PM As a man who has come out of a divorce and who is in ministry. I never realized how much a divorce can wear a man down. It is up to the individual man to realize and understand that he needs Jesus so much. On the outside I'm perfectly fine, but at my heart I'm bleeding, there are days when I just don't want to get out of bed. There times when I know that I must forgive and move on and yet the pain is so deep that I'd would have liked to be stabbed in the arm then to go through another divorce. As men sometimes its hard to go "let go and "let God" we have egos. We think we can handle this. We are afraid to cry and admit we need help so we bury it and not allow God to touch our tender wounds. As the old school says "What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus". As men once we give it to Jesus and allow him to heal us then we will be made whole and complete as men again. Post Reply
LUVmyJESUS View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 May, 2010 05:41 PM It's true for women too... but I do think there is sometimes more difficulty for the man to "let Go... let God". It's just so terribly sad... especially being a divorced christian woman myself. I KNOW how much God can heal... and how there can be true forgiveness/ and even love for the ex spouse. I'm so grateful to God I have that kind of heart... but I SEEK that as well. I'm trying to be careful with my heart... and yet... I believe that's one of the precious things about "relationships" in general. God uses them to help people heal. You in ministry... with that heart-wrenching experience can help many! I still just don't get... the womanizing behavior...especially because he looked so hurt. My bro-in-law said it was too much even for another man to understand... especially a christian one. I wanted to help him see that... but I guess PRIDE is a mighty struggle. A woman wants to feel special... and a man... he wants respect. WE ALL NEED JESUS... on a daily basis ...don't we? Thx so much to all of you for the input... it is helping me to heal... just to hear other men be able to express... Thanks once again... and sincerely...May God bless you all and all who read this.... and heal us from our wretched selves so that we may have true intimacy and love in this life...God being first... always. Night night... sweet dreams :angel: Post Reply
GuyWithWebsite View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 13 May, 2010 07:02 PM You talk about a lot of issues with him, and I dont know I have an answer better than anyone else. But let me comment on just one part of what happened. You said that the guy was commenting about other women's bodies, openly gawking at them when he was with you, even going as far to tell you that he would like to "doink" them". Frankly, I do not think this has ANYTHING to do with his having been divorced or anything else. Maybe this caused his divorce, who knows. But it is simply disrespecting you on purpose, or else angling for some type of relationship you probably dont want. As Christian men we seek the Lord to sanctify us so we will never talk like that around other men, even though other men often do talk to each other that way, when there are no women around. But no man, whether he is a believer or not, acts like that around their own woman unless they are a first class jerk! I dont like to say stuff like this about other guys, but frankly, the next time you see that as standard behavior in a guy, dont sit around analyzing it, wondering if you can change it by being nicer, just dump him. Post Reply
LUVmyJESUS View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 27 May, 2010 09:31 PM Thank you for taking the time to reply! :waving: Post Reply
NewAltitude View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 23 Jun, 2010 03:04 PM GuyWithWebsite got it right....there is no excuse (in my opinion) for a Christian man to exhibit that kind of behavior, no matter who is sitting at the table with him. "Honor one another" was not a suggestion in scripture, but an instruction, and this man's behavior was dishonorable, not only to you, but to God, and the woman he was speaking about. Not much to understand here....anyone can talk a good line, but the actions of a person speak louder than any words.....God has a great and honorable man for you....and he will be worth the wait! Post Reply
RedeemedbyHisblood1 View Profile History	DIVORCED MEN-FEAR OF INTIMACY? Posted : 9 Aug, 2010 05:50 AM I so agree with you. Sometimes as women (men too maybe?) we sit down and analyze traits that we know are not good. For various reasons, we settle despite the clear signs, only to get hurt later on. Post Reply

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