Author	Thread: Satirical Tips for Message Writing
Admin	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 02:07 AM 1. Make sure you tell her that she is "HOT." Godly women just love to hear this. It helps them to understand that you're looking for a short-term relationship, that is, one that only lasts as long as she remains "HOT." Say nothing else about her. Make no comment about the text of her profile whatsoever. After all, you want to emphasize how captivated you are by her appearance... so captivated that you couldn't take time to actually read her profile. 2. Ask if she's a virgin. This questions works best in the first message. 3. Follow that up by asking if she has any better picture of herself or more revealing ones. 4. Make sure you ask her how often she works out. And if she's not specific enough in her reply, be sure to ask clarifying questions. Find out how strenuous her exercise program is and for how many minutes/hours she exercises a day. If she doesn't exercise enough, be sure to encourage her. Saying something like, "I hope you'll be able to keep up with me when we go hiking every day and exercise for an hour each morning together," will usually suffice. 5. Ask about her eating habits. If she doesn't know how many calories per day she consumes, encourage her to keep track, for her own health, of course. 6. Ask her if she's ever thought about getting some cosmetic surgery done. 7. Ask how much she weighs. 8. Ask if she has any scars or if she is prone to acne. 9. Tell her all of the ways that she can meet YOUR needs. Now this is very important: Do NOT tell her how you might be able to serve her or how the two of you could possibly serve the Lord together. Make it very clear that it ALL about you and your needs. Comments such as, "I look forward to watching you bake me brownies someday," are especially appreciated. 10. Request a play-by-play of just how and why she broke up with any ex-boyfriends. Make sure to do this in the first conversation or two. Also, offer her advice on how she could have prevented the break-ups. Make sure she realizes that all of the break-ups were her fault, but that you forgive her. 11. When she asks for your testimony, be sure to refuse to give it to her, because, of course, it is a story better told in person. 12. Ask her if she can fly out to see you soon so you can tell her your testimony in person. 13. Message her about 20 times a day so that she knows how much you care about her. Get upset if she doesn't reply immediately. Make sure to find out what she was doing that caused her to not be available to reply to you. Tongue-in-cheek, of course, but happening much too often, sadly... Post Reply
Brandy774 View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 10:05 AM :ROFL::Ok this is too funny but true Don't forget to tell her you love her...in the first msg. A woman wants to know right away you are serious Better yet tell her you want to marry her and when can you move in? What's her msn id, yahoo, facebook, myspace, her address, and phone number. Ask her right away so she wont get away! Post Reply
Tulip89 View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 10:12 AM I like it. That way, when I message a girl, I stand out like a seven foot tall red head. Post Reply
View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 11:23 AM Please don't forget to call me sweetheart, honey and other endearments in the first message as if you know me. Post Reply
SOS4EMAILFRIEND View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 01:32 PM Or tell her that you once have been to Europe, Cairo to be precise Post Reply
Brandy774 View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 02:59 PM baby girl aint that the truth! Call me babe every constantly in the msg. Let me know that 1. you dont know my name even though...*looks at her sign on name* and that 2. the msg is probably mass produced Post Reply
bcpianogal View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 04:25 PM Oh Pixy, that was GREAT! And sadly, many of those very things have appeared in first messages in my own inbox. Post Reply
View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 06:24 PM 1. Be sure to post several pictures of yourself holding large fish so we know what a great provider you will be. 2. Tell us once or twice in your profile how much younger you look than your real age and post pictures taken 5-15 years ago to prove it. 3. Tell us that you actually lied about your age so it more closely reflects not only how old you think you look, but will also lessen the gap between you and the recent high school graduate you hope to attract. 4. Specify only interested in a girl with a slim athletic build when your pictures portray a mature middle-aged man with love-handles and a ponch. Post Reply
View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 3 May, 2010 07:17 PM :ROFL: :ROFL: Oh, Goodness! Stop! My sides are hurting! All you say is true ladies. And don't forget my personal favorite (I'm going to start making tick marks on the wall each time I get one of these) "This is my first day using the web site and you are the first profile I've clicked on. I just KNOW God wants you to be my wife!!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Post Reply
View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 4 May, 2010 11:23 PM Well done! This is a great follow-up to my post on profile tips. How funny and how true. Your post by the way on mine of satirical profile writing tips is right on. I had a post on here called Beautiful Women a while back. It was the most seen post, or one of them and discussed men's obsessions with looks/weight/shape. Even if they do not want to acknowledge it, it is there. And it's not fair, and it hurts women. I was amazed at the number of men AND WOMEN who defended having looks/weight/shape based requirements and being obsessed with it. But we know that should not be the case. Let me tell you a couple of codes: References to working out, as you pointed out, and references to a woman who works out, stays fit/likes fitness, and "takes care of herself" = they don't want a fat woman. They don't want to you to be fat or eat too much now, or any time in the future. I know this, and you noticed it as well, wisely. Saying they are just looking for friends = a way out if they don't like you. Or if you like them and they don't like you. They can get out of a relationship or anything with just using this excuse. You can make friends at Walmart or church or virtually anywhere. If they are truly looking for friends why are they on a Christian DATING site? Post Reply
View Profile History	Satirical Tips for Message Writing Posted : 5 May, 2010 06:37 PM Thanks for the positive feedback, everybody! :glow: @gloryshine- Yeah, the whole looks/weight/shape based thing annoys me. I mean, even if I had a perfect body now, I'd not like my appearance would remain that way forever? What if I get pregnant... Would he just think that I'm a blimp and not what me? Or what if I lose a limb in accident? What about when my hair goes gray? It doesn't give me much confidence in a guy's ability to love unconditionally when he has such a requirement! Post Reply

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