Here's my dilema. I am a never married, no kidded, just now cancer free chick and every time I get close enough to a guy to consider dating he runs for the hills! I am the gal that every girl is jealous of for no apparant reason because I hang out with her boyfriend and have a blast, but never I get farther than that. You'd think that the illness would be a turn off, but most don't know I was ever sick, I hid it well (worked full time during chemo). I have tried too hard before, and sometimes don't know when to shut up and it gets me no where. So mostly I am just me. As nutty, morbid, and twisted as I am, I just am. I have been ridiculed for being too guyish in my approach, but I don't know any other way to be besides myself....help!!!
The next time someone ridicules you about having too "guyish" an approach towards men, ask them if they ever heard of Katherine Hepburn or Amelia Earhart. There were two woman that could "hang" with the best of "guys".
You can not be anyone other than the one God created you to be. And I might say -- a very Unique "fun to be with" person. If you try to be someone else...eventually you'll have to be yourself and the facade will end...so...just be yuorself!
I don't believe what has happened to you is exclusive to you or has anything to do with your "guyish" approach. I believe it has more to do with the Maturity of the men (guys...boys) then anything you've done.
I would be willing to bet if you took a poll that you would find dozens of women on this site that have had the same experience.
So...don't change -- you are a pretty young Noise! (Nurse). Most of the men your age aren't even sure about who they are let alone what they want to be or with what type of woman they want to be with.
Hang with the guys...if that is your desire and you will find that one day one of those guys will start holding your gaze a little longer than usual and at your jokes a lot louder than usual and that's when you'll have to decide Friends or More?
It's like what my Drill Sargent used to say "What the heck is that?".
Sorry, what my Pastor used to say:
"The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others."
Be confident...be assured...this you accomplish by doing what you do best -- being yourself! (I said that).
First off...congratulations on being cancer free. Blessings in your continued health.
Just thought I would chime in on your dilemma. Here are some things to consider....
When I was a part of the music ministry at my church (non denominational), I was given a "volunteers manual". It's handed out to all who do volunteer.
One of the guidelines in the manual was that of "no opposite gendered counseling or ministering". Women should minister to women. Men should minister to men. The reason for this was quite obvious. While initial 'intent' might be pure in nature to help somebody else or 'befriend' a member of the opposite sex.... the church clearly understood that people, when vulnerable, can, have and do conveniently forget. More affairs happen as a result of vulnerabilities and 'secrets' shared in times of hardship or trouble.
It's rather sad to note that, as important a rule as this was, given to the volunteers.... the associate pastor of the church, who was married, thought he was apparently above such a silly rule. About two years later, while counseling a female, an affair ensued between them. He was then asked to leave the church.
So what I'm saying to you is this.... While I DO think that men and women CAN be just 'friends'.....I also think it's the way of the fool who believes that their friendships with the opposite sex can always stay platonic ALL THE TIME. In most cases that I've ever seen where a woman says she has more male friends than female friends....there is usually a pattern to the friendships. Most of them either started out "dating" and it didn't work...or flirting...pushing envelopes...or just flat out had sex and THEN decided to be 'friends'. In the majority of times that I've dated a woman with a lot of male friends.....a "history" is usually revealed later on down the pike. I'm not saying this is true in your case.... only that it is in the 'majority' of cases. It's also important to note that in a LOT of opposite gender friendships.....one or the other usually feels stronger that the other one. "SECRET CRUSHES" are very common in opposite gender friendships. There's a reason the issue of "man and woman friendships" was made fun of in the movie "Harry Met Sally"....because most times....it's true...
It's kind of arrogant to make the claim that it won't happen in one's case. It certainly happened in my friendships with women. They usually hung around hoping I would want to be something more. When that didn't happen, they usually got an attitude, or tried to invade into my personal relationships. I had to end friendships as a result.
As I said...I do know it is possible for men and women to be 'just friends'. But I also think to just say that "the other women are just insecure" can be used to "spin" what could ultimately be 'self serving' in a person's intent. The motivations could be myriad. It could be as innocent as just not wanting to deal with "catiness". But at the same time.... a LOT of women like a LOT of male friends because they like a LOT of attention.
I just recently stopped dating a woman because of having too many male friends. She too liked to call the women of her male friends "insecure"....It was later revealed though, that she liked talking to her ex boyfriend of six years on the phone a lot......oh...and by the way....his now WIFE doesn't know the two of them talk to each other. When I questioned her about this....her words were..."well, he did that stuff to ME...". She had also just had a twenty year friendship end with a couple.... Apparently, the wife was not liking her hanging around so much, and suspected that the husband was becoming more smitten with her than they would have cared to admit. She was asked to not come around so often.... This woman became "angry" about it. When the wife went out of town though, the woman decided to go over to their house against the wife's wishes to hang with the husband... Her reasoning was that the man and her were friends BEFORE they got married.... How ironic that the guy actually hit on her that night while the wife was out of town. Or so she "said".....
I only tell you these things to give real world experience to your problem.....
The way to solve this issue is to actually BEFRIEND the woman of the guy you are friends with as well..... What you are actually doing is presenting yourself as a willing adversary by saying they are the one's' who are insecure. It's quite possible these women have heard the "we're just friends" thing far too many times as well...... You don't have to change who you ARE....but you SHOULD consider a different way of handling these situations. I have many female friends that I've known since college days.... And I was always sort of a "big brother" to them. The reason I'm actually welcome in all of their houses to this day is because I befriended the husband as well. They are BOTH my friends. And quite honestly.... if they might be having trouble as a couple, I don't allow for our length of friendship to determine 'who is at fault'....If anything...I try to steer the female friend into trying to understand "how her man is thinking" so she can try to preserve the marriage... as that's my ultimate goal where my friends are concerned. I tell them ALL THE TIME to make sure they keep it together...they're not going to like what they find out in this single world.
Sorry this was so lengthy.....but this is a common problem that usually goes over most people's heads....
wow piano, you've had it rough...I do believe it can be platonic. The Bible says it can, but thanks for the comments anyway. Working on it all, so continue to pray for guidance by God pelase.
hymnsong.... thanks... Not really had it all that rough, but due to my past career, I would like to think I've grown pretty astute to the ways of human nature.
Just so you can maybe understand that what I mentioned is not so much from personal experience or bias, but rather fairly 'common' and universal...I thought I would pass on an article or two that sort of confirm what I was speaking about. Maybe they can help.
One thing that did stand out in your original post was this..".As nutty, morbid, and twisted as I am..."
It's worth considering that, while YOU might understand your sense of humor when relating to your male friends, and as much as the Bible might say men and women CAN be friends.... we are also cautioned in the Bible to use 'discernment' where our mouths are concerned. As I said... you never know exactly what is going on in the "mind" of the other gender.... Sometimes, it isn't until it's actually too late in an unwelcome advance of the other person, where it was actually our words that caused such a reaction in the first place. So while I have no actual idea of what could be going on in your communications with these men..... it wouldn't surprise me if the girlfriends of the men have picked up on it....and this might be the reason why they disapprove.....or SEEM insecure.....
blessings.... here is an article to help.... maybe it can help in the prayer....
I have to agree with Piano dude's experience. Almost every close friendship I have had with a woman, single or married, has been a struggle to keep just friends. I've been successful in most, and have a few close female friends. But I too, have had to end friendships because of constant pressure to be more.
That article he posted is a really great treatise of the subject and I highly recommend it. Very interesting observation of how close opposite sex friendships can actually be de-motivating us from pursuing marriage a little harder. Thanks piano dude for introducing us to a great website!
at your jokes a lot louder than usual and that's when you'll have to decide Friends or More?