Author	Thread: Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits
Admin	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 26 Oct, 2009 09:32 PM Need advice from you guys. The father of my daughter's best friend and I hang out with our daughters all the time. We have been doing so for over a year. He also was a great friend to me during my divorce. We have never touched--actually he avoids touching me. When I explained that our friendship would have to change should either of us start dating someone and I was concerned about how it would affect the girls, he admitted he had feelings for me but wasn't ready for a relationship.I admitted them back and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to leave the door open to a possible future and for us to continue being supportive friends and getting together with our kids three to four times a week. That was four months ago. Nothing has changed. He is not dating anyone else as he spends all his free time with me. His parents came to visit this past weekend and he wanted me to participate in activities with them, which I did. We both have complete custody of our kids. OUr kids are not only attached to each other but are attached to us. I feel like a fool and I don't want to hurt his daughter, but I want to start dating because I want the chance to have a real marriage and family--I know that is what God wants for me. We spend every weekend together and go to church together. What do I do? Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 26 Oct, 2009 10:25 PM dear tabitha, i take it you wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with this man... i would say if he wont committ to that with you now.. well i ask why would he need to.. as you say you are spending alot of time with him now.. what i suggest is to back off and tell him you are busy for a week or two.. .. start weaning him off from your good company and well i figure thatll make him miss you.. if he has those feelings for you he will. and if he dont come around to wantin a real relationship with ya well go find you someone that wants one with you.. ya cant waste your life away waitin for someone that may not wanna be caught.. ya know. you can still let your children be friends and them see each other .. ole cattle Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 27 Oct, 2009 05:06 AM Every time I back off, he calls and starts pursuing. It is very confusing. He offers to mow my lawn, loan me money (which I don't accept), and is in many ways a "surrogate spouse". He never asks me to take care of his children. When we are together, he does the caretaking.But I have to admit, he has never asked to spend time with just me, even as friends. Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 27 Oct, 2009 07:36 AM dear tabitha, im sorry i may of told you to lie there and that is wrong.. only tell him you are busy if you are really gonna be busy.. if not just back off for a week or two.. you really dont have to give a reason.. thatd be more mysterious. ole cattle Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 27 Oct, 2009 08:10 AM i know it's not the most fun or romantic of things but maybe honesty would be the best policy in this case. no games just back off, if he tries mow your lawn or do a favor just say 'no thanks' when he asks what the deal is 'say how you want to be more than just friends' if he gives any other reason besides 'yes' tell him to grow up. hopefully he will. maybe that'll be the thing to get him out of his divorce funk. Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 27 Oct, 2009 09:35 AM I don't think he is in divorce funk. I am wondering is he is gay. He has been separated/divorced for almost 4 years. He hasn't dated the entire time. He knows how I feel. I haven't played any games. I have been completely upfront and honest. He continues to allow my children to bond with him and I told him it isn't appropriate if he has not intentions of this going anywhere and he just repsonds, "be patient with me". And before you go thinking he leads a double life and there is someone else. I KNOW there isn't because my life intersects with him in so many areas plus he has his kids 24/7. Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 27 Oct, 2009 10:26 PM another thought could be that he is "asexual" - simply not interested in sex. I know men who don't have any sexual desire (for men or women). Maybe, just maybe, a third thought is to view him as a family friend and a good male role model for your children. Meanwhile, you look outside to fulfill a desire to be married and have intimacy. Good luck. Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 27 Oct, 2009 11:37 PM I would totally agree with my friend cattle. Trust our instincts. Guys will get all comfy getting some needs met, and then not want to move forward in the relationship. A smart woman will make herself unavailable and shake things up to get him thinking of what he might be losing. You do not owe him any explanations when you are not home, or breaking the routine you two have. If he ever asks, just be as general as possible with the fewest words spoken. And do not relent until he decisively declares his intentions for your relationship (even if it takes 2 - 3 months for him to get his act together, wait it out). Bless you in this reality of life. Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 28 Oct, 2009 02:04 PM Tab find yourself a date.meet another man.date him.If this guys cares he will say something.Find a ouside babysitter for your kid while you date.The message will get back. kids. A date with a guy from church or work will not hurt you. You are just friends with that guy. Dennis:prayingf: PS.Pray about it as you date someone else.:prayingm: Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 28 Oct, 2009 07:52 PM You guys have been so kind as to give me a fresh perspective. I have prayed about this a lot as there are children involved who are dependent upon adults making good decisions. I am not one to play games, though. I think it is best to just say I need him to work with me as to what the issues are so that we can make some good decisions that are fair to everyone involved. To ask him to be a friend in defining where we are and where we are going and respond accordingly. I have not "dated" per se. I have met some people for coffee, chat, etc. as a "reality check". Frankly, though, I find myself not able to bond with anyone bc this is unresolved and I am not duplicitous enough to have given my heart to one person and pursue another even if it is "platonic". I think it is because I genuinely feel that God gave each of us to each other as a precious gift. But only he can decide if he is going to receive it or give it back. I think it is possible he is asexual. I also think it is possible that he thinks that as a man he needs to solve this on his own, but I think he is discounting that maybe he needs to consider conversing with me in his struggle. What do you think, guys? I cannot imagine going through the holidays with the illusion to our children to act as family for each other. I think it needs to be resolved honestly and openly one way or another. Post Reply
View Profile History	Need advice: Friend with emotional only benefits Posted : 31 Oct, 2009 07:33 PM Tabitha, It is difficult giving advice without knowing either of you two. It would seem to me that over the course of time this would have been cultivated and blossomed. I mean it sounds like you two where destined to be together. You have to ask yourself "would I be here if our daughters were not friends?" Ultimately the best course is to be truthful to him and yourself. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you would like to see this relationship go in a certain direction and if he sees it differently then you two need to go your seperate ways. If you trust him with your daughter then the two girls can see each other. As painful as moving on may be -- continuing the way you are now will do more damage. My Prayers Are With You Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never. Charles Caleb Colton Post Reply

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