How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 23 Feb, 2015 12:59 AM
With life being a risk and those taking bigger risks getting greater rewards, I wondered looking at the man's role in families... Headship! How far are guys willing to �sacrifices their happiness� in exchange of either initiating or maintaining unity and peace amongst their children after divorce?
I suppose being brought up from a broken dysfunctional family has shaped me to be passionately concerned about the well-being of the children inspite of the fiascos taking place between parents divorcing or the death of the other spouse, either way these does impact on the children!
Catching up with an old friend who happens to be divorced and currently pregnant from the current relationship has got my mind raising with countless thoughts. With a fearful frustration of dealing with 3angry children for being divorced with their father and brought them into sudden step parenting each time they have to visit the other parent, now you must break the news of not only being in a relationship but being pregnant too. I think it's a little overwhelming for all parties involved.
Now referring to MAN as leaders of their households... What are the possible steps to be taken in ensuring that there's a common ground above everything taking place? Bottom line is that life carries on after divorce or loss of the spouse, and both parents might have opened other doors as moving forth, doors that might cause them to share their parenting with babies that are still yet to be born or step children, though how do you ensure peace and unity on your biological existing ones inspite of the drama and disagreements you may continuously have with their mother? I mean you two will always be their parents.
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 23 Feb, 2015 11:34 AM
There are so many variables.
* Was abuse involved in the divorce?
* By which side?
* Who has custody of the children?
* Which parent is remarried / re-involved so there's a pregnancy?
As a single dad divorcing over abuse and having custody ... I can be careful about what I say about the kids' mom. If she were to remarry, I could explain to the kids that since we divorced she is legally free to do so. (I'd privately check that the guy wasn't a sex offender before the kids would visit with him present.) But mostly I'd just keep building my own relationship with the kids.
But the ex-husband has no headship as far as the ex-wife is concerned.
Now, if the mom has custody and the dad was abusive ... we already know he has no sense of Christian headship.
How far will guys lead? It depends a lot on the guy but also on the opportunities the situation affords.
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 24 Feb, 2015 06:37 AM
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject and relating with your own personal experience.
I reserved a lot when typing this post Hoosier. Things are more complicated than they seem. Reason I didn't express more of the complications it's cause I'm seeking a solution instead of dwelling more on the dramatic side of things that will get us no where. A little of what I reserved is that, the older son is missing most probably due to all this. He disappear when they were in the care of the father though the mother has the custody of the children.
�Which parent is remarried/re-involved so there's a pregnancy?�
Both parties are involved in other relationships. The husband got married a years latter after they've been divorced, with current kids from the recent marriage. The wife has just began a new relationship hence she happened to be pregnant (I personally doubt it was planned). So now the children are exposed to step parenting, step siblings and half siblings even when they thought that they have their mother's full attention.
I'm disappointing of how the ex-husband decided to take a back sit altogether from maintaining his children just cause they are in their mother's custody. I personally think that she deserved a little break and time to her self looking at a great job she's been doing for the previous 5years parenting these children by herself. I can't help wondering why would a man punish his ex-wife by staving his 3children and top up by making more kids from the current relationship?
I don't condone the lady making another child from a new relationship that only started yesterday, yes it wasn't a smart move! But if the ex-husband genuinely couldn't afford to support the children and his current family at once, I think he should have prioritised and remained unmarried so his not overwhelmed financially to a point of failing his existing children let alone topping up by creating new beings.
This is where I was coming from when I said, �Looking at the man's role in families... Headship! How far are guys willing to 'sacrifices their happiness' in exchange of either initiating or maintaining unity and peace amongst their children after divorce?�
Would you kindly share more on you meant by: �But the ex-husband has no headship as far as the ex-wife is concerned.� While the bible clearly says, �The wife will always be subject to her husband's law?
Thank you so much once more for time taken in partaking on this... God bless!
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 24 Feb, 2015 01:18 PM
Yeah, that's complicated.
OK, a wife is subject to the husband ... as you quoted. But he's not her husband now. Whether the divorce was right or wrong, it happened. And since one has remarried, there's no Biblical way of bringing this couple back together.
As for the step-family, half-sibling, step-sibling dynamic, I've been studying the articles here.
It's kind of messy. But, given that new families have formed, the best thing for everyone, especially the kids, is the stability of those new families.
Now, the non-custodial father has a duty to provide, at least at some level, for his kids. Not for his ex-wife's kids by her new husband or boyfriend, but for his. And if it's a US situation, the law should be enforcing that. He also has a moral obligation to guide the kids as well as he can in the situation.
But ... if both sides were living up to all their moral obligations, they'd still be married. One or other or both is not a reliable, faithful, responsible individual. So nothing short of criminal behavior surprises me about the ex-husband -- assuming he was the one whose actions caused the divorce.
I'm not saying it's all his fault. I'm not saying it's all her fault. But somewhere there's a fault. Meaning ... we already know that Christian behavior cannot be expected from all parties at this point.
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 26 Feb, 2015 11:03 PM
A little foundation to begin with, 80% of the time divorce is the woman's idea, not the man's. So, to ask the question how far will the man go to ensure peace and unity with the children. Most men will bend over backwards to avoid divorce in the first place, but if divorce just has to be on the menu, again, most likely the woman's idea, most men will bend over backwards to maintain some type of relationship with their children with provocation from his ex-wife. But, this is often difficult because of the bias towards men in the U.S. judicial system and the ex-wife being more concerned about her own retribution and utter disgust towards her ex-husband. Sure, life goes own after divorce, but usually the judicial system gives the ex wife custody of the children and only she is able to determine how far her ex husband can interact with his children.
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 27 Feb, 2015 01:38 AM
You've deviated altogether from the main subject. It's not a question of who initiated divorce in the first place, that one is another subject on its own. Being defensive of gender (man) doesn't substitute your lifetime chosen responsibility (fatherhood) for bringing children on earth. The purpose of this subject is finding solution to the problem not entertaining issues of who suggested divorce.
And again, had a man been living up to his role, the woman wouldn't have brought the idea of divorce OR the other way around
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 27 Feb, 2015 07:36 AM
I don't know about how often each gender initiates the divorce.
But there are different custody arrangements. Joint custody is theoretically 50/50. In which case both parents, if responsible, will have a lot of input for the kids.
If one is non-custodial, he or she has very limited input. It's a fact of divorced life.
A non-custodial parent is usually expected to provide financial support. A responsible parent won't try to avoid that. But ... I think the OP is discussing an irresponsible father anyway.
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 27 Feb, 2015 11:50 AM
�I think the OP is discussing an irresponsible father�
Not really Hoosier! I referred to you 'MAN' cause you're ordained leaders from birth. God entrusted you guys with leadership with your very offsprings. It still a question of choice. Parents made kids. They choose that responsibility. It's unfortunate that divorce doesn't reserve the existence of kids, neither does it releave parents from that chosen responsibility. Unless one is no longer a leader since the family's broken? Then what about the innocent beings that have been brought to life?
Unfortunately the guy qoated here isn't responsible but that doesn't rebel all guys irresponsible! One can only take offence and be defensive if he sees his reflection in all this. I only shared about the ex-husband so I give a little clue of how complicated divorce can turn things to be. I'm seeking solution here. I'm not really bothered who initiated divorce. What about innocent kids, your very products 'MAN'?
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 27 Feb, 2015 02:51 PM
Sisygirl ,
May the Lord bless your beautiful heart for taking time and thought to reason this out ;finding a solution that is healthy for your friend and her children!
Its a very difficult situation at best .
Since I am not aware of the full current situation; Ill just throw some things out there. Im no expert but Ill try.
Having said that, she cant make her ex do what she deems appropriate. All But she can fervently seek the Lord for guidance and also control how she reacts to the situation.
Id suggest christian councelling may be in order for the mom to learn to deal with the ex in a civil manner and visa versa . Making sure it is never done so in front of the children.
Counseling for the children would be a wise thing to do as well.
Clear boundaries must be established between the two parties for the mental emotional well being of the children as well as the two adult parties involved.
Children need structure. The structure should remain if it is healthy and if not she needs to make adjustments. Lots of love sprinkled in of course:)
If the children arent involved in extra curricular things such as sports,music, church activities, art; Id suggest doing so as to fulfill a sense of accomplishment for them. Keep them busy while hearts mend and the Lord heals.
The children have been thrown into this mess at no fault of their own. Thats the most devastating thing divorce does besides tear the parents apart emotionally as well. Its like death but worse IMHO because noone actually goes away! The ex still has to be communicated with for the sake of the children.
I hope I gave you some wise advice of things to suggest to your friend.
May the Lord continue to pour out his amazing grace on the brethren:angel:
How far will guys take learship in cases like these?
Posted : 27 Feb, 2015 08:17 PM
Sorry to offend, you, sisygirl.
I don't see my reflection in a non-custodial father trying to evade child support. I'm a custodial father who knows better than to expect child support.
But once the family has been dissolved, a man can no more lead his ex-wife than a woman can raise children who aren't hers. Can a woman be a good mom? Sure! But not if the kids in question are not under her care and authority. Can a man be a good husband and leader? Sure! But not to a woman who's not under his care and leadership.
Perhaps I've misunderstood you, however. Some of this sounds like we're not so much arguing against each other as arguing against misunderstandings of what the other said.
