Thread: Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
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Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 17 Dec, 2014 04:02 PM
Hey
Usually I read someones profile and look at their pictures to determine whether I want to think of them in a romantic way and start talking to them with the intention of starting a relationship.
One day, a random guy on here messaged me with his skype name and no other information.
I was kind of interested and bored.
I wasn't attracted to his pictures, but liked the description on his profile, so I thought I would give him a chance.
I called him up on skype, and after about fifteen minutes of talking to him, listening to him make awkward jokes etc, I realised I REALLY wasn't interested in him.
He asked a question about something, and I felt like I couldn't keep leading him on, so I told him I wasn't attracted to him.
He got really offended, and started asking me about it. I didn't know what to say, so I said he wasn't my type. He then asked me what my type was, and I didn't know what to say. Then he accused me of being shallow, and wanting to go after a super model.
Is it wrong to want to be with someone that you are attracted to mentally and physically?
I gave him a chance. I don't think you should be pressured into talking to anyone. It's a waste of both people's time if one person doesn't see any potential there. He made it quite clear from the start he hadn't bothered reading my whole profile (back in the day it was quite descriptive) and was just interested in me because of the cute pictures I had posted of myself (better than the one I have up now). If he is allowed to seek me out because he found me physically attractive, then why is it shallow for me not to be interested for similar reasons? Besides not being physically attracted to him, he kept making inappropriate racist jokes and I found him a bit sleazy.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 17 Dec, 2014 04:14 PM
I mean, I'm not offended when people say they aren't attracted to me. I got upset when someone's friend told me I ''wasn't their type'' because I didn't know what their type was, and was convinced I could change, but I was much younger, and it was doomed from the start because I didn't talk directly to the person I was interested in, just his friend. The chances of both people being attracted to each other is so small, what's the point in getting offended? it's not personal.
For me, it's so much more than attraction. I didn't feel comfortable around that person. There's other stuff to, like I want to be with someone with a similar sense of humour.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 17 Dec, 2014 06:06 PM
Finding a tactful way of saying "we don't match" can be a trick. But if somebody with whom you've talked only 15 minutes gets upset at being told you're not attracted ... there's more reason for the lack of attraction than appearance.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 17 Dec, 2014 06:07 PM
"Is it wrong to want to be with someone that you are attracted to mentally and physically?"
I think, it is wrong to be with someone that you are NOT attracted to mentally and physically. Such marriages are likely to end up in divorce!
"It's a waste of both people's time if one person doesn't see any potential there."
Not necessarily. It's not a waste of time. Dating is a skill just like cooking. If you want to know how to cook, if you want to be a professional chef, then you have to cook a bunch of meals even if nobody is going to eat all of it. You may even have to burn some meals. And you will end up wasting a bunch of ingredients in the process. But it takes time and resoruces to become a chef. Same is true about dating. It takes some practice. You can't expect a person to know how to date if he or she has never done it. We're not born with this ability. We learn it just like we learn how to talk or how to walk. If someone never goes on a first date, then he can't date. I speak from experience. I didn't date until I was 30. I am 33 now. I have been on 7 first dates so far, but the first one was horrible! So, let me say this: it is not a waste of time. We're all students. We are all at different stages of life and learning. So, it's not a waste of time!
"was just interested in me because of the cute pictures I had posted of myself (better than the one I have up now). If he is allowed to seek me out because he found me physically attractive, then why is it shallow for me not to be interested for similar reasons?"
What you did was not wrong. Don't blame yourself or feel bad about it. Forget it and move on. But if you're telling yourself "Oh, I should have seen this coming!" then you're probably right. If someone doesn't even take the time and effort to read your profile, then why do you waste your time talking to them on skype? I also have a very long profile, and I expect women to read it.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 17 Dec, 2014 11:23 PM
I think dating in itself is wrong... if it's done for the purpose of dating or getting good at dating, or good at being a boyfriend or girlfriend. I want to be a good wife to one person, so I want to meet with someone for the purpose of marriage. If it becomes clear at any point to one of us that marriage is not possible, then I would wish to break up.
He didn't tell me until I had talked to him on skype that he hadn't read my profile. It really annoys me actually.
I have spent most of my life feeling like an ugly duckling. Being judged on a few pictures that happen to be attractive sucks. It's ok to find me attractive but it should go deeper than that.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 18 Dec, 2014 12:05 AM
I'm in agreement with the other guys on this. My thought is that if someone doesn't have the maturity to pleasantly accept that another person doesn't find them personally attractive, they aren't ready for a relationship. We all have different tastes and there's no reason to get bent out of shape about someone elses personal opinion.
By the way I find it a bit annoying when people don't bother to read my profile first too.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 18 Dec, 2014 07:04 AM
"I think dating in itself is wrong... if it's done for the purpose of dating or getting good at dating, or good at being a boyfriend or girlfriend. I want to be a good wife to one person, so I want to meet with someone for the purpose of marriage."
Yes, but dating in order to get married is right. And the person who wants to get married still has to know how to date. On my first date, I knew I would never marry this girl. I just went on the date because I wanted to practice. She, on the other hand, wanted to get to know me. She was interested to some degree. We met online earlier. I didn't even feel comfortable looking into her eyes, so I fixed my eyes on the ground. She asked me if I was okay. I didn't tell her what was wrong. It was the first date of my life, and I didn't feel comfortable looking into the eyes of a girl. And being 30 years old, I didn't feel comfortable telling her that this was the first date of my life. I thought it would be shameful. So, she probably thought that I was very weird or had a problem. But every first step is necessary. A baby's first steps are far from perfect. But if he or she never takes the first step or never tries, then the child will never learn how to walk! If I met my future wife years ago, I am sure I would have scared her away. So, I still think that dating is a skill, and it's necessary to learn it. Yes, some people do it for the wrong reasons, but everybody has to learn it at some point. Even your future husband has to learn it.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 18 Dec, 2014 10:53 AM
I don't think you have to practice. You don't hear of people going on practice dates in the bible.
I think it should be like building a relationship. First, you hang out in a group, then you hang out one on one, but in public. It should be low pressure.
I don't want to get good at dating, I want to get good at being in a relationship. The only relationship I want to be in is with my husband.
I believe that is possible by being upfront about what you both want, and not leading each other on, and bowing out if you come across any deal breakers.
Is it wrong to tell someone you aren't attracted to them?
Posted : 18 Dec, 2014 04:04 PM
"I don't think you have to practice. You don't hear of people going on practice dates in the bible."
Wait. Do you want to compare 21st-century western culture to Jewish culture that existed 4000 years ago? First of all, they didn't go on dates at all, because usually the parents picked the spouse for their children. Secondly, women were treated very much like a piece of property. Men usually paid a price for the girl. And if a man was very wealthy, it was not unusual for him to have more than one wife. So, let's not compare that culture to our culture.
I wish I didn't have to learn how to date. I hate it. But I have to learn it because otherwise I'll remain single for the rest of my life. Nobody is going to pick a spouse for me. I have to do it by my self. And I am picky. I don't want to marry just a radom "anybody."
Usually men chase after women, not the other way around. So, men have to know how to "hunt." If a guy doesn't know how to date, then that's like cat who doesn't know how to catch mice. Of course, the mice don't care whether a certain cat can hunt or not. All they care about is themselves. If a cat can't hunt, then that's his problem. So, men have to learn how to date. And I understand that this is not your concern, but it is a fact of life. Many men go on dates not because they like the girl but because they need to learn. This is true especially in high school. That's why those relationships break up so quickly. It's all just practice. Besides, when a person is young, they don't know who they like and who they want to spend the rest of their life. So, they need to find out who they like. And it takes awhile.
