Author	Thread: why be deceptive?
pinkelephant44 View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 27 Dec, 2013 05:01 PM Why would someone that claims to be an Evangelic Christian not clearly state that and his expectations in his profile? I dated a gent for nine months who broke things off with me because he said he needed to be an Evangelic Christian. This gent is over 45, divorced (acceptable reason) and a father. He has been a Christian for many years. We talked about the importance of his faith many times as he was concerned over mine (I am not as far along in my journey but getting there). What is odd is that he criticized me saying he never say me pray or read the bible but I only saw him read the bible a couple of times and he never invited me to participate. And I never saw him pray. He doesn't belong to a faith community and I can't say I saw him talk to anyone about God. I find it very confusing and deceptive. I'm not dating to date, I am looking for a husband. Why tell me you love me if you are watching and testing me rather than asking me to join you. I have a hard time seeing his actions as Christian. I have no issue with putting God first (as it should be) but at the dispense of another? Post Reply
dunravin View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 27 Dec, 2013 07:53 PM I do think, from the limited information your post provides, that there has been a fairly constant need for this man to be affirmed in his role as a divorced Christian man, as a father, as a lover and as a friend and all the other aspects of his humanity. What I hear you saying is that he demonstrated his weaknesses and you responded by affirming him in that by not demonstrating your strengths. You say that you are not as mature a Christian as he and that you are moving along but also that you do not see the everyday fruits of his maturity and he in turn does not see the fruits of your Christian life. yet the magical words...I love you...have been spoken...there is power in those words. You assert that He does not pray or read his Bible with you and you in turn feel slighted by his lack of Christian leadership in this relationship. There is no balance expressed...there is no leadership expressed... It seems that he may be a little bit lost in relationship to himself, his God and those around him... It is perhaps better that you are not together at this time... Whether one is an evangelistic Christian and one is a Catholic or vice versa is not particularly important as all Christian faiths lead to the throne room of God at the end of the day. You need to walk in your faith affirmed by your man not constantly tested or held in suspicion... Post Reply
pinkelephant44 View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 27 Dec, 2013 08:22 PM Appreciate the response! I did make efforts although maybe not enough. When I inquired about a church he had some specific criteria in regards to worship so I spent a lot of time reaching churches in his area and passing the information along to him. And on occasions when he was conflicted about something I reached out to my minister friend for guidance. On other points I agree I failed. I can't say I was looking for a leader but a partner and I made the assumption given the length of time he had been a Christian that he could do that. good points. thanks again! Post Reply
dunravin View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 27 Dec, 2013 10:08 PM I do not believe that you failed and if that is the impression I gave then I apologise most sincerely. ..that was certainly not my intention....The fact that you chose to love a conflicted and insecure man was not a failure in itself...it just showed that you are as neurotic as anyone else...perhaps neurotic should be changed to lonely and needing to feel cherished and wanted as a woman and as a human... Post Reply
View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 07:06 AM pink, how was he deceptive? did he not mention his level of devotion and views after 9 months of dating? seems like enough time to certainly find out his degree of faith and practice. unless he was hiding them until one day where he became stark and abnormally aggressive in his beliefs and ways, or perhaps he was at a point of rededication and affirmation of the evangelic teachings? we all have highs and lows in our walk of faith, or could it just be seeing in others what you lack and resent in yourself? or himself? like a speck in the eye? whatever it is, certainly contempt and condemnation is no solution in rebuke or reproach. maybe you both are reading it wrong? in general though deception or even exaggeration is something actions usually prove or disprove, you will know him by his works? easy to confuse intent though so benefit of doubt at first could prove redeeming for anything questionable, good luck with that. Post Reply
pinkelephant44 View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 09:34 AM @duravin: absolutely no apology needed. You just brought up some good points and weaknesses/shortcomings. Things to be considered now and in the future and thanks again! Post Reply
View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 09:41 AM oops my bad I should really read past the thread through all the posts just in case it being used by two exs as a soapbox to air each others gripes in public.....geeez Post Reply
pinkelephant44 View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 09:48 AM The deception, IMHO, came in that he had very specific criteria, wants in a mate and those should have been called out in his profile. If he needs to be with someone that does a,b,c or more importantly does them as he wants to do them then it should have been clearly stated. Those are called deal breakers. Deceptive as by the second date we had gotten into a fairly detailed discussion about faith and it was clear we were not exactly in the same place at which time he should have ended it if that was his most important criteria. But no what he did was spend the following months grading me and being disappointed. His comment was he kept hoping and when he didn't see what he needed he gave up hope. So while I am under the impression that this relationship is going well and moving forward based on his actions that was not remotely the case. When you test someone it is a conscious effort hence my choice of the word deceptive. He said I love you" which again was deceptive because how can you not love the whole person. We are not two kids blinded by chemistry. Now I don't hate this guy, just the opposite. I accepted flaws and weaknesses. I was not overly concerned with the things I didn't see (until he used those same things to judge me) because I looked at the person as a whole. I have forgiven him but am still very hurt so take that into consideration if I seem over critical. Post Reply
1jon310 View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 03:57 PM The person that we are all most guilty of deceiving is ourselves. Perhaps he saw such great qualities in you that he deceived himself into believing that he could alter his non-negotiables. Maybe he just found you to have so much of what he didn't know he wanted before that he thought that he would be able to change. Or think bad that he was just filling time with you until someone else came along. None of us has ever done that after all. r Post Reply
pinkelephant44 View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 04:31 PM Good points. Can't answer which of course. I will say that I don't think everyone sticks around until there is something better. I can only speak for myself but I have gone months without dates as I know from their profile or email conversations it isn't a match. And if by the second date it isn't there it won't go any farther. Trust me, I don't have some major list I am trying to check. It is usually a combination of listening to God, asking good questions, and overall vibe. Each person I have been involved with has been very different from the others but the core values were aligned with mine (or so I thought). I am not looking for perfection and in each relationship in which I said "I love you" it was because I sincerely accepted them as they are and was ready to move forward towards marriage. I was never been the dumper in those relationships. I don't care how lonely I may be I will not lead someone on, give them false hope or be anything but honest. The positive is that I can say there are some really great guys out there so for the women who are frustrated I would say to not give up hope...the good ones far outweigh the bad ones. Post Reply
View Profile History	why be deceptive? Posted : 28 Dec, 2013 06:40 PM Taking a look at your profile you seem to be a tad evasive if not out right hiding important issues Although there can be reasons not to post a picture publicly, your response to forum administration suggestions to reveal about yourself remain blank, or are so generic not to represent anything that could make a difference to someone considering you as a possible mate. Agreed that in the time he spent with you, if your physical appearance factor "caused a lack of chemistry" from you to him, he took way to long to consider the lack of it being a valid reason............ but what are you so secretive about whatever, and why you feel the way you do? This could take a long time for someone to apprehend on their own that could make caring for them dangerous for you until they have figured out what you are not revealing about yourself! Just my $.02 and I wish you the best here at CDFF. However and just FYI; in the short time it took me to read your profile I did not bother to take the time to see if I met your criteria to contact you all because you are too elusive as to who you are and what makes you tick. Look at it this way.......... If you were reading your profile as someone's resume looking to be hired for a job.......... Would you hire yourself? Doug Post Reply

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