Is it important for a new couple to talk about past relationships' in early days of their new existing one?
I'll appreciate if you'll support either of your answers (wiether they should OR not)
LTM
I've already asked you a lot on our current chatt about marrieges, if willing dear to share your view on this current subject you're more than welcome to...
A relationship is about building trust. This exposure of ones self should not be done to quickly. First trust needs to be earned and proven to gain more trust and second the things of our lives and the stories we tell are the connection points we have together. When we reveal all then what else do we have to give?
Once trust has been established over time then one can share about recent experiences. In my relationship I am the one who shares more interesting things about my life probally because I am a story teller. Lalnei love to just listen to my stories but their are time when I just like to listen to her simple stories also.
She feels here life is boring and probally so but I still enjoy when she includes me into the mondane things of her life.
Relationship has a natural evnflow. I can not see that we should place a time frame on what ever a couple would share verbally together. Some people are more open and transparent and some are not.
The key is knowing ones self and finding a partner who is like minded. Else you are for frustration.
I learned some hard lessons from my last relationship, and my father gives some good advice on the issue from his first marriage. First of all, some couples can handle sharing past relationships really easily because they do have that trust already built, like LTM was saying. Look for someone tolerant and forgiving and trustworthy, if you both have that, then it's going to really take a lot to break that bond. That being said, I'd say it's not very important to share, probably on a "need to know" basis. You should be able to judge when or if someone needs to know something about your past, and I would mostly leave it up to them to ask if they had any questions. I don't think it's good to just start divulging your entire past history, they may not be ready for all of it or certain parts of it, but if they ask, it's important to answer honestly or simply affirm that you'd rather not talk about it. Not talking about it is a bit dangerous though, because people are likely to assume things that aren't true. In that case, I'd just tell them enough to ease their mind, and leave out specifics until you're ready to talk about it. The only things I think that you should talk about once the relationship is about to be official, would be the things from your past relationships that would affect your current relationship, like...if you had children somewhere, or angry ex-boyfriends, or serious health issues, or other critical information that you know they should know. Other than that, from my past experience, I'd stay pretty tight-lipped. A good rule is to think about how that information would affect them, and an easy way to do that is to think about how the same information would affect yourself. Tell it to yourself first and imagine it's coming from them. Information can hurt a lot, even if someone thinks they need to hear/tell it.
Thanksgiving to you guys for posting back in answering my question. I know that we have our daily responsibilities that we'd rather set our minds on BUT you always make time to write back to me whenever I ask you a question.
LTM
When saying "She feels her life is boring & probably so but I still enjoy listining to her simple stories as she includes me into her mondane things of her life" you sounded more at ease when saying that, could just imagen a smile on your face when typing that sentance. You show such respect & honer for your wife, that's a charm.
Both answers are helpful & were expressed in a more broader way since they covered all possible areas to be considered when starting a new relationship.
I personally don't believe in time frames & fomulers in how & when things showed be done. Though learned something from both replies. (Have such respect for you two guys)
Often times my questions are inspired by real issues of life, either its something about me personally that I need help in understanding or something about fellows around me that I could be wondering what causes them to behave in a certain way. In this regard the question in inspired by a true reality that's very sad & unfair when keep thinking about it, hense I ended up asking for your openions guys.
(Don't mean to take peoples stories & discuss them in the internet)
There's this guy in this scenario whom we all know him to be committed to this lady (its more of a traditional marriege.) He's passed on now & there's fight for the body since he's other wife & kids have showed up while the current wife didn't know at all about the other existing family. Both wives are now fighting for the body & we don't know between them if there's a legal one by law who can atleast up an end to the fight so the burial can take place. Don't wanna go deeper in the matter,
Though I personaly think both wives were cheated by their husband, while there's more blame on the current wife as to why has she stayed with someone else's husband to a point of commitment. I don't support or condone this falks, though I feel that it would have been better if she was told about the other wife & kids, then decide after if she's still willing to carry on with the relationship. The relationship would have been based on the truth (ironic kind of truth, cause there's no truth in cheating on your wife)
The point i'm trying to raise on the above paragraph is that: atleast she deserved to know the truth if not both wives do.
Let's not even go into details as to why hasn't the guys family said anything to either of the wives, in asking or warning both wives if they knew about each others existance. Its a very sad complicated story that leaves one with more questions than answers while the one to account is no longer around to explain he's actions.
By the way its not christians people involved in this story. Its just something that has taken place around me. I know that I ask mores questions about matters taking place in the body of Christ.
This is where my question to you guys is coming from And i'm well answered by both of you. Didn't wanna reveal the story first cause I needed your genuine views. (hope you're not offended now friends as i'm saying where this whole thing is coming from) Would have missed your genuine openions, cause more attantion would have been based on the main story, when I needed to know under general speaking as to when should a new couple start taking about their past relationships OR even reasons why is one single. What could have happened....?
That is a very good thought indeed. Why are some still single? In some way we all need to do some evaluation about our selves and stop blaming others in why we are single.
When we stop the blame game and take time to evaluate our actions and motives before God then we are on a path to healing and wholeness.
The other day I had to sit with a business associate and talk about some issues that I thought he was trying to take advantage of me in. After I realised that he knew nothing about it and he felt the same about me too. It really came down to a lack of communication on my part and his part with another.
You see all three of us were guilty of not communicating and assumed the other knew the situation. What a relief to find out that he is still a stand up kind of guy. I had to be willing to admit on my part my fault in not communicating and him also. We accepted the consiquence together equally.
In any problem we are also guilty and if we only look to the others guilt then we are not bringing healing to the situation.
Here in this site I see much blaming of another and those who live this life will always live frustrated and alone.
The other assosiate I was talking about is always saying he doesnt care about things. Really I can see that is not true because how upset he gets when things go wrong. I think I will confront him on this and ask why if he cares does he say he doesnt?
I think when a person cares and says that they dont care they are afraid of being known for caring, why? I think they see loving and caring as some form of weakness.
When in reality it is the greatest strength to love and care people. The other day I went into the city with my suit without jacket. I went down to the business district and handed out ice cold water for free to whoever would accept.
I told then it was given to them in Jesus name who is God unconditional expression of His love for them. That He wanted you to have this water today.
It was awsome to look every human being in the eye and express such love to the weak and strong alike. Our security comes from our ability to receive love and then our strength comes in the giving of love to others.
We are only able to receive love when we are real with self then God heals our insecurities and strengthens us to give love.
I used to be the most withdrawn and insecure male around. Never able to look people in the eye. Thinking I was inferrior to everyone. Now I know we are all equal and valuable in the site of God. None is greater here on this planet only we can be greater in Gods Kingdom by being least here.
"The other day I went into the city with my suit without jacket. I went down to the business district and handed out ice cold water for free to whoever would accept"
Must have been a very humbling experience as i'm trying to imagen it in my mind. Nothing fancy or glamorous about it, just a bottle of cold water that didn't mean much to many YET the significance of it is greater than any mind can comprehend. If only they knew (the fellows who were around when handing out) the meaning of what you did OR the one you were representing when doing that, they would have taken water from you with such gratitude.
This one time was just thinking in my mind, why is Jesus always giving bread when suppying the needy with food. Could have been He's spirit that sounded verbal & clear as if I was talking to someone, "He symbolized He very being through BREAD & WATER" immediately ofter that voice have spoken, familiar worship songs about living water & bread started to sing in my heart, And for the first time they had a deeper meaning than previously when singing for the sake of knowing the lyrics but missing the massage.
Communication is very crucial in relationships, when there's danger also if people are communicating but leaving other things unsaid, assumptions take place leading to misunderstandings & complecations.
Ironic hey...?
There's no relationship without communication, yet again there's even more danger if communication is not done thouraly. Either of the obove two are a threat, So we either communicate thouraly leaving nothing out to be assumed, Or we forget about the relationship all together if we gonna do half massures. Not only in personal relationships but in all other relationships we have in business places, church and so onn....
Come to think
its this continuous communication that strengthened our friendship. You're the only friend that I relate with in this manner in all other website i'm registered with. I have never befriended grown ups for many personal reasons, but i'm certainly enjoying our friendship that would have been compromised without communication. At times I wish I could print out our conversations, they gonna be very useful in the near future, maybe by then either of us may not be available for our usual chatt.
Nonetheless, thank you for understanding me when I sometimes don't know how to put words together in expessing questions. Not fluent in English at all, though you somehow understand what I mean.
