Author	Thread: Friendship
Admin	Friendship Posted : 23 Feb, 2012 05:07 PM I would like to know from some Christians brothers how you feel about having a female friend.I am new in my area and am having a really hard time making friends with any single people in my area.None of the local churches have singles ministries and I am not interested in other kind of singles groups.I have tried to make online friends with a couple of guys(when I was on Christian Mingle) but they QUICKLY let me know that I was not a "match" for them.All I was looking for is someone to talk too.I really do not understand what the problem is guys.Are there THAT many female stalkers out there? Or,do you just feel it is a waste of your time to speak to someone that you do not consider marriage material? I am truly trying to understand.After being married for 24 years it has been a long time since I have been single.I honestly feel like it is junior high all over again.If you don't look a certain way,then you are shunned.The devil can really use this to make you feel terrible about yourself.I never expected to meet "the one" on a dating site but I had hoped to meet some friends to chat with in my area and then meet them later after I get to know them.I guess the online thing is a great education for those of us that are ignorant.Thanks for your input. Post Reply
apcameron View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 23 Feb, 2012 05:52 PM Hi Tuckygirl50, I kind of know how you feel as my wife passed away after 19 years of marriage. Most of the folks here seem to be weary of people who have lost their spouse. Apart from that you will often get more response via the forums than by sending folks messages as people in my exprience do not alway reply. In General however I think guys tend to have fewer friends than women and so they may tend to be more selective about who they choose as friends and most of their friends tend to be other guys. At least that is my 2 cents as not every guy is the same. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 24 Feb, 2012 09:55 AM @OP: You have to remember sites like these are primarily for dating and that will be the main reason people have signed up to them. Also, taking time to sit down and write to someone about something takes time - it's not as quick or convenient as chatting down the pub or at work - and if there's no prospect of it leading anywhere, I could well understand not wanting to go down that route. Finally, I believe friendships are easier with your own sex: I can talk frankly and honestly with my guy friends about things that a woman simply couldn't grasp from our perspective, or that would creep her out. Having said that, don't be discouraged because sites like this have great forums and participating in those does build up friendships, even if they're more corporate than personal. Certainly there are several men and women in these forums for whom I have much respect and admiration! I think part of the problem is expectations; from what I've read on these forums, a lot of women want a friendship first and let that lead to romance, whereas guys would rather just get on and see if there's any romance to begin with, and let the friendship build from there. Perhaps you should act as though you're looking for a date rather than a friend (this doesn't obligate you to anything) and just make it clear that the first several meetings won't be anything romantic, just a chance for a chat closeup? Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 24 Feb, 2012 01:49 PM Tuckygirl50 I think part of the problem is the difference between how men and women approach friendships. For most men, friendship means getting out and doing things together. But for women friendship usually means talking to each other and sharing your feelings. The difficulty is that for most men, sharing our feelings is not easy to do, so we would rather save it for that special someone in our lives. While the internet is a great way for people who are separated to get to know each other, it�s not the best way to hang out and do things together (unless you like online gaming). I think that is why most men would rather not seek out a �friendship� with a woman he knows up front he will never be interested in. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 24 Feb, 2012 05:16 PM Thanks guys for your perspective.I had originally thought that I might find someone I would be interested in dating online,but since I am not marriage material in a man's eyes,I thought I could at least make a friend.I just never realized that after my husband went to be with the Lord that I would be considered damaged goods.I have made a couple of online female friends from Christian Mingle and I guess in time I will make female friends here.I guess I just have to finally realize that being married was who I was in the past and appreciate all that I had back then.Now it is time to just focus on the Lord and trust him to be my male friend. Thanks again.It helps to know how a man thinks.May the Lord bless you all for your kindness. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 25 Feb, 2012 01:46 AM Not having a date or being able to get one doesn't make you not marriage material - if it did most of CDFF would be in that category! However times have changed and your approach needs to too otherwise you're making something already difficult even harder... Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 25 Feb, 2012 05:02 AM I guess all this dating stuff is just going WAY over my head.I would have thought that saying I was only interested in marriage would have been what made a guy not give me a chance.I just never would have dreamed that saying I am looking for a friend would be what would steer them away from me.Of course I would ultimately like to marry again,but I think you have to have a foundation to build your relationship on.I realized this morning that one of my problems is that my husband was a very loving,caring and sensitive man.He was my best friend.Maybe in a man's eyes the physical attraction comes first then in time you become friends? I just don't know.Maybe men think exactly opposite of females? I guess I just need to continue to educate myself on this whole thing.You are definitely right about one thing,this whole "thing" is difficult. Post Reply
NRSV1953 View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 25 Feb, 2012 07:57 AM Pardon me if I chime in here! Tuckygirl, please hold fast to your principals and self-esteem! As I'm coming to see, online "dating" isn't at all like 3-D dating. I had envisioned a Fellowship Hall, filled with singles of all types, mingling around, making friends, having dialogue, caring about one another with the possibility of finding a compatible person to date and perhaps more. Instead, we find a few folks talking together while hundreds look on a la meat-market style. Yes, men fall in love with their eyes first, which certainly was easier when we were 20! So now we have to find a different way to meet and attract a mate. IMHO, once we are older (and Praise God, wiser!) we women tend to fall in love with a man's values first. In this 2-D place, of necessity I suppose, too much emphasis is placed on that doggone profile picture! Perhaps if women ruled the cyber-dating world, we would make men read our profiles and have a few emails back and forth before the exchange of pictures. (This may sound weird, but I intentionally have posted a less-than-flattering picture of myself because I like to under-promise and over-deliver!) But I digress . . . Tucky, do not let this online experience make you question yourself. You've got it right! Take this as an opportunity to rediscover what is important to you, to hone your discernment process and to reach out to those you find interesting. And, please, let me know how it goes! ~~Blessings Girl!~~ Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 25 Feb, 2012 01:45 PM Thanks NRSV.I guess in a perfect world the dating sites would be like you described.But,I guess here in the real world it is asking too much.I just think we can choose to use this as a means of encouraging each other in the Lord.We all can use all the encouragement we can get. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 29 Feb, 2012 06:15 AM Not a guy, but I have opinions. First, as a girl - and I think it's fair to say many guys share this feeling - I don't come on a dating site to find friends. I actually find it really annoying when people do. This isn't just a social-connection site, it's a site with the sole purpose of finding a date. So if an opposite sex person messages me and preemptively friendzones me, I find it really insulting and a waste of my time. It isn't because they're a stalker or because they're a dude, but because they're a dude ON A DATING SITE. I'm not looking for friends here, honestly. There are other places to do that that aren't dedicated to a rather contradictory purpose. People aren't going on sites like this to talk, and are going to be viewing any message through an "are we a match" lens. With the overwhelming number of people on here, if you aren't, it's just clutter. I would encourage you to find some non-singles groups to get involved in if what you really want are friends. Most churches offer some kind of social event or Bible study, and community, non-singles events are a great way to meet people. Book clubs, volunteering, whatever - find something you're interested in and get involved in it to find other people who potentially share your interests. That includes non-church activities, because if the goal is friendship, not dating, there's no need to limit yourself to those who share your religious beliefs. If you have friends in your area ask if they could help you meet some other people and recommend things to get involved in. And be open to friendships anywhere - I once struck up a friendship with a neighbor at a yard sale, someone who was looking at the same sunglasses display at the store, and a couple of random people at a coffeeshop. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friendship Posted : 9 Mar, 2012 07:19 AM Just curious, how does somebody pre-emptively friendzone you? Post Reply