hello everyone! I really need your help in this matter. Okay, I've met a guy here. I first viewed his page then he message me saying that he also viewed my page and he noticed that my body type was "big guy". So he wondered why, when he looked at my pics I don't looked like a guy at all. So I reviewed my profile then I noticed that I did a mistake in my body type. So I message him back to said thank you for noticing it. Because of him I've fixed my profile. To make it short we became friends and we always communicate. We always chat and PM each other.
Later I feel that there is something that I feel that I think I like him more that just friends. I don't know if he also feel the same way. I don't tell him that I feel that way because I feel it might be embarrassing in my part.
His the type of person who has a very low self-esteem. He told me once that he was used to it since childhood. One time when we chat, I asked him if he will go to college because he was only 23. He told me that his not going because his not smart and some other negative stuff against himself.
He was telling me already that I don't have to like him because his not a good person that I think he was. So I ask him to convince me that his really a bad person. At first he was hesitant to tell. But he finality told me that he always "m*st*rbate". He wants to stop it but he said he can't.
I really don't know how to react and what to say... Do I have to stop communicating on him? Or maybe he was telling me those stuff because he feels that I like him and he wants to drive me away?
I know this is too personal to ask...but I just really wanna know if for you guys...doing those stuff is just a normal thing?
What should I do? Any idea please...I would really appreciate it...Thank you so much...
He has a rejection issue. And rejected people reject other people. Though they don't see it that way. What happens to them is what they fear the most Rejection.. The root of rejection is fear...
1john 4:18
The fear of... You may not really like me. When you see this in me or whatever hidden thing.. Or me for who i am.. Fear perpetuates the cycle till it's broken. But you can't start on the road to healing till you see it and recognize it. And make the choice to walk the path with the lord to get healed set free from it...
He felt rejected my one or both of his parents. Not being good enough has been the end result in his thinking. And he probably never had the feeling of the beloved son. A book called "fathered by god" May help him on his path
If his self esteem is that low, he isn't ready to be in a relationship. Don't feel like you have to take every relationship opportunity that comes your way. This is one to which you should probably say no. If he doesn't believe he's worthy of dating, why should you try to convince him otherwise? You can't fix him and you can't help him feel better about himself - because you aren't responsible for that. He is. You deserve someone who respects themself and you.
I may have misinterpreted GG23's answer, but I beg to differ...
True, it's not your responsibility to fix other people's faults (and you can be burnt if you try!) - but in this case you're not helping him overcome an addiction or something that requires his will power and commitment, or yours for that matter.
Consider this: if he thinks little of himself and no-one is challenging that, then he has no reason to believe otherwise. When I was young I felt pretty much the same about myself. Not all the time I admit, but even so, I was suicidal at times. What changed that was the realization of Jesus both knowing *everything* about me, and *still* going to the cross for me. I still don't have a high opinion of myself (like Paul, O wretch that I am...) but I don't question my worth and won't let anyone else tell me I'm worthless because I know what price was paid for me.
I've never told anyone, but whenever I speak with God, y'know what the first thing He says to me is? "I love you". Recently I asked Him why He always said this, and the answer was revealing: "because you need to remember it and believe it when everyone else is telling you differently" (may not be the exact words, but that was the message).
All it takes is repeated encouragement and slowly his attitude towards himself will improve. Is that too much to give?
The kind of encouragement that this type of person requires in order to feel better about himself is more than the OP is qualified (or responsible) to give. It isn't something that he can find in someone else, and DEFINITELY not someone he enters into a dating relationship with (and even more so, enters into a dating relationship WITH THOSE INTENTIONS). That's not the motivation with which to seek a relationship with someone. The validation this person needs can't come from another person, or else it will create an unhealthy and codependent relationship where he needs the OP to feel good about himself. I also think, from what she describes, this is someone who has deeper issues than feeling a little bit insecure about himself.
Everyone feels insecure sometimes, but most people don't drag other people into it in the same way, and don't feel the need to convince others of how bad they are (including trying to shock them into believing it). Right after I posted to this thread I read a blog on a similar topic which explained my feelings better than I could - basically, someone can't give to you what they can't give themselves. If this person is incapable of loving himself well (emotionally, not physically - obvs. he's said otherwise about physically), he can't love you well. If he can't treat himself in a way that demonstrates he is worthy of love, he won't treat you as though you are worthy of love. It's far deeper than someone who is just "insecure" and needs some encouragement.
The encouragement and security this person needs are going to have to come from someone much more removed and much more qualified - not in the sense that the OP is UNQUALIFIED, but in that she isn't a professional counselor or therapist. There are dealbreaker issues and there are people who aren't ready for dating or commitment, and it isn't a matter of everyone needing love and forgiveness and then it will all be okay. Something is broken in a person that treats someone like this, and they need help, not a girlfriend. In a lot of ways it is an addiction, but an addiction to self-hate.
This blog: http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/i-cant-love-me-so-i-cant-love-you/ discusses the issue in better detail and words than I ever could. I have known people like this. I have watched close friends date people like this, and I really think it has affected those friends long after the breakup. It isn't healthy.
I read that blog. Did you read the other one about miss insecurity linked within? The message overall isn't that such people should be avoided, but that they are initially hard work.
If you're worried about how it'll affect you then don't date them, pick someone easier. If you want to make a difference then stick with them (even if you're not dating) and reap the rewards later.
There's someone else on CDFF who has a similar 'issue' - it wasn't caused in one day and no doubt it'd take quite a few awkward 'dates' before things started to improve, but if someone was willing to persevere with them, I know that they'd discover a hidden gem.
But you shouldn't date to make a difference. You shouldn't date to make someone a project, or to fix or even to help someone. These are all good things to do that should lead one to volunteering, not dating.
