How do you Define Dating and How do you Evaluate your Potential Partners?
Posted : 15 May, 2011 07:44 AM
I would define "casual dating" as dating someone you recently met and are in the early stages of a friendship relationship (often meeting in the context of looking for a partner). I use casual dating to evaluate the potential as a couple and as eventual marriage partners.
This type of dating for me is typically the "getting to know you" stage in a light romantic context distinguished from getting to know someone simply as a friend with no potential interest in a romantic relationship. When I take a woman out, I try to make my intentions are perfectly clear to avoid any confusion. Generally I will indicate that it is a causal date and not just a friendly outing unless I was absolutely sure I had no interest in her whatsoever. One of the worst things I could do is to tell her I just want to be friends and then suddenly change my mind and try to turn it into a romantic relationship. Typically in casual dating it will be non-committal and non-exclusive and both of us will be free to date and see other people. Due to the uncommitted nature of the relationship we would both keep physical intimacy and emotional intimacy limited. It is important for me that we both have that time where we can objectively evaluate the relationship.
If everything goes well and no major personality, lifestyle, or worldview (belief system) conflicts arise then we will typically have a discussion or series of discussions on the possibility of a long term, committed, exclusive relationship where marriage is the ultimate goal. These discussions also involve outside accountability with mutual friends and trusted individuals and it also involves me asking her parents for their blessing on the relationship.
For me to commit to a serious long term relationship the possibility of marriage has to meet a preponderance standard (more likely than not or 51%) with the likelihood of marriage steadily increasing over the course of the relationship. If the relationship continues to go well then engagement is on the horizon, but if the relationship starts to go south then we will definitely reevaluate the relationship to see what is going on.
If I ended up being romantically attracted to someone I had been friends with for quite a while and if she felt the same way then the casual dating stage would be skipped because we most likely know most if not all of those major "deal-breaker" issues about each other. So I would never enter a romantic relationship with a long standing friend unless the probability of marriage was more likely than not (51%) right off the bat.
I have no strict timetables for how long casual dating will last or how long a serious relationship would last before engagement etc. But generally I will not string out the casual dating process if I know that we are not compatible. Also if it happens to be a long distance interest then the rules certainly change and that is a whole different topic entirely!
So while I will casually date someone where I am unsure of our compatibility I will not date someone I am completely sure that we are not compatible in a marriage relationship.
If a dating relationship does not work out we usually end up staying friends but avoid one on one encounters to avoid any confusion. With long standing friends I have no problems doing one on one activities with if it is completely clear that we are both not interested in dating.
So how do you define your dating relationships and how do you evaluate potential partners?
How do you Define Dating and How do you Evaluate your Potential Partners?
Posted : 15 May, 2011 07:07 PM
How do you define your dating relationships and how do you evaluate potential partners?
I date intentionally. That means that ultimately I'm looking for a marriage partner, and I don't intend to "waste" my time and effort dating people that I already know I would never marry. Of course, there are a lot of different stages of dating, and lots of different ways of dating. Dating might look different depending on the situation and guy. However, if I openly say that I'm dating someone, and if I don't try to downplay the relationship, that means that we are probably already thinking that there could be long-term potential for us as a couple.
I evaluate potential partners based on a several different things: faith, character, values/morals/standards, compatibility, and goals. A guy wouldn't have to rate A+ in each area. He might have strengths and weaknesses, but there are general things that I would want to see in each area.
In the area of faith, I want a guy to be a Christian, and I want him to be actively maturing in his faith. He should be a man of good character, meaning that he keeps his word, is respected (both among his peers and his elders), and is honest. His values/morals/standards need to be similar to mine or even be set higher than mine...he should also respect my emotional and physical boundaries, and preferably he would not only respect them, but he would agree with them as well. Compatibility -- this basically has to do with how well we actually get along, how we relate to each other, how we respond to each other, and our attitude about things in general. In the area of goals, I would be looking for a guy who has similar ideas about we would be as a couple in 5 years, 10 years, etc. Not that our ideas would have to be identical, but if I see myself married with 2 kids in 10 years, and he still sees himself as single, that's a problem! Goals could also have to do with careers, location, ministry, family, etc.
Those are just basic things I look at. Depending on what I see, they could bring to light some dealbreakers, but they might also show me just how perfect-for-me a guy might be. I would evaluate some of these things (mostly faith) before dating a guy, and would evaluate the other things as we got to know each other better.
How do you Define Dating and How do you Evaluate your Potential Partners?
Posted : 15 May, 2011 08:17 PM
"Dating" occurs when you feel you need to define what you are doing. Emotional envolvement to the point that the action, event, and/or the person themself needs an explanation.
How do you Define Dating and How do you Evaluate your Potential Partners?
Posted : 16 May, 2011 08:16 AM
Flirting is fine. That's how you know if you physicaly find someone attractive, and vice-versa. Keeping motives pure... Wow, that's tough. I go about it differently. The world is full of attreactive people, so that doesn't mean much. I am always a gentleman, and treat all ladies the same way, regardless of age, beauty, or even if they like me. I never let my conversatioons become perverse, and if she tries to steer it that way, I find a way to switch subjects. That doesn't work, I leave. Talking about "it", meaning "the tension", is sometimes more stress on our hormones than the body can take. That's not good. Just because I can beat a grown man 1-on-1 in basketball doesn't mean I then go and try to beat him with one hand, or dunking only, or only running backwards. Why exaserbate the situation by discussing and visualizing and making the temptation level rise? If you can't do that, then don't hang out. The body is made to be hormone-driven. Its our free will that controls the body. So try not to empower the body, or hinder your brain.
How do you Define Dating and How do you Evaluate your Potential Partners?
Posted : 16 May, 2011 09:54 AM
I think flirting is fine, for the most part. When it starts to dominate your every conversation, "interfere" with common interactions, or when you start to flirt with every male you come in contact with, that is when it becomes a problem. Also, if there is anything vulgar, seductive, or inappropriate (ie. flirting with a married or otherwise "taken" person), then that is a problem as well.
Keeping motives pure when being friends with someone you are attracted to...that's hard. I have to make the decision about which is more important to me: the friendship, or making my feelings known when I know that he doesn't share the feelings. I try to make it easier by avoiding certain topics, continuing to look for someone to date, and praying about it a lot.
