I have some QUESTIONS today. Answer one, answer all, just answer...pretty please :glow:
If a woman and a man are dating and are contemplating marriage, should he cut off communication with his female friend(s) if his girlfriend is uncomfortable with him having her/them around? (If, of course, she cut off her male friends, as well).
Why don't men appreciate boundaries? (They call them rules, I call them boundaries).:winksmile:
If a woman wants a man to call her EVERY DAY, and vice versa, how is that a problem? (Assuming the two of them don't see each other everyday, they work all week long, or whatever, what's the problem with picking up the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY? I always like to say, people can die in a day. Anything can happen in a day, and if you claim you really love someone and find a great deal of interest in them, why would you let a whole day pass by without calling?)
Hubbard, sweetheart, with all due respect...I so disagree with you.
You and your ex must not have been all that serious if you're not together. Maybe, maybe not, I don't know, I'm just sayin.
Look here though homegirl, my man aint gonna be callin me no every 2 to 3 days. I call my bank more than that. Heck no.
To each his own, I just don't agree with that at all. When you're married, you will have to see that person every day. If you can't do it while you're dating, you won't be able to do it when you're married.
"Why does he need female friends. I am his female friend. I should be his best friend."
Following that logic, why does he need friends at all? You're his friend. You should be his only friend.
While I completely agree with you on dating for marriage, there's also a lot of wisdom in taking things slowly and being careful. Dating is for marriage, but when you're dating, you're not married yet. Saving the physical intimacy of marriage is important, yet so is saving emotional intimacy. You would have physical boundaries with a guy, I'm sure, so why would you not have emotional boundaries as well?
I'm also curious why you have such a long list of things that must happen. He must not talk to other women if he's going to date me. He must call me at least every day. Isn't marriage about compromise and serving each other, not demanding your spouse do things for you?
First off, Let me say, I dig your outspoken nature.
You don't flinch from asking tough questions. You like to ask it straight, in answering, as a guy I will call it how I see it. I hope you don't become offended, because I want to speak the truth in love, and sometimes love means pain.
First off, Who is the leader in this relationship? You or him? If its you... You need to step down, God didn't call you to get him 'whipped. If its him, then two things, learn how to trust the leader God gives you, by trusting God. Sho nuff, thats hard to follow that given all that you have been though.
And have grace towards this man. You hand him the "LAW" and if you have no grace, expect relationships to bring the pain.
"If a woman and a man are dating and are contemplating marriage, should he cut off communication with his female friend(s) if his girlfriend is uncomfortable with him having her/them around? (If, of course, she cut off her male friends, as well)."
If you had said "Living with his female friends, as roommates" maybe. Under the same roof. maybe "They go, or I go"
But cut off communication as in ALL phone, Email, and other forms of one-to-one communicational talking? if Yes, Congratulations, Your Job title is Warden, and not wife. You got a hostage and not a husband. Parents have that level of authority over their kids, but not wives over their husbands.
Its not biblical.
IF God wanted Husbands to not talk to other women He would have made that clear in Scripture. Instead He tells us men, "DO NOT DEFILE THE MARRIAGE BED" and "Adulterers will not inherit the kingdom." If he is serious with God, then he isn't going to defile the bed. If he is faking and shaking, then you made a bad choice when you married an unbeliever Ahem, I mean started "dating an unbeliever".
Your internal discomfort really is not his problem. The fact that in your history you have been on both sides, the other woman? and the woman who was cheated on, has left you extra sensitive... raw nerves that have problems dealing with acceptable male/female contact. Sure the ideal man will only have eyes for you. but the ideal man is a myth, the best you can hope for is a man who has been regenerated by God, has a new heart and from out of that will be Faithful to you because he truly fears God.
"Why don't men appreciate boundaries? (They call them rules, I call them boundaries)."
Call em what you want, If they (men) don't come up with em, or fight hard in negotiations for em or over them, they simply have little value. Anything of value comes at a cost of sacrifice.
But regardless, if they don't respect a solid boundary, they are men in name only, and perhaps finding a male with more maturity is your best bet here.
"I always like to say, people can die in a day. Anything can happen in a day, and if you claim you really love someone and find a great deal of interest in them, why would you let a whole day pass by without calling?"
Most so called men, or people in general, for that matter don't even know what LOVE is, how then can they claim to love really love anybody. If they really loved, sure they would want to talk with you all the time, but where is grace in your must talk daily law? Even Jesus had alone time, from his closest loved ones.
There have been many mighty men of God who shut themselves up in their room, with no food just water and a bible for days, until a breakthrough happened. Ask their wives how they managed to survive, and did they worry about their relationship.
Women are great communicators because God built their brain differently. There are 4x more connections between the left and right lobes in women, then men. Thats a fact. Are men somehow evil for not being just like women? LOL !!! NO!
Getting annoyed because we don't act like you, because we are not as "talky" is unreasonable. I am not alone in the opinion that women in general, talk way to much about nothing significant as it is. Do I let that effect how I treat women? It used to, until I became like my Father, a person of Grace.
I think asking someone to not be friends with someone of the opposite sex, is selfish and immature, and shows a lack of trust and severe low self esteem. We need friends, even as couples and married people.
It would be entirely different if:
A. The spouse admitted attraction to this friend.
B. The friend continually tried to hit on, or dress inappropriately around the married spouse.
C. They had dated in the past and one of them still had feelings for the other.
In those cases, I could see needing to cut off contact with the friend, no questions asked. However, a real friend would have respect for your marriage and NOT want to come between you and your spouse.
I have had a few male friends who were married or seriously involved. I make it quite clear to both them, and their girls, that I respect their relationship and I am NOT going to steal them away. I'm not that kind of woman.
If one of these woman came to me personally, and expressed concerns, I would talk about it with her, and if she still had a problem with it, we would BOTH sit down with the gentleman and discuss it together. If all three of us agreed that, for the sake of their marriage, I shouldn't be friends with them, I would respect that. I've never had to have that conversation with anyone.
I had neighbors who are married, with kids and I was friends with both of them. They kind of saw me as family, and I saw them as family too. However, just for proprieties sake, I made sure I was never alone with her husband, just so there would/could never be any doubt in her mind about me and him. I also told her, point blank, there never would be anything between us, and that if he ever hit on me, I would her about it myself, so she could deal with it how she wanted. He never hit on me, and at one point, he actually thanked me for not being like the other single women in our apartment complex always trying to hit on him and dressing inappropriately.
I don't condone adultery. I will always know, at least by my own actions, and heart intent, that I was never the cause of a divorce. However, I can't control how other people feel or what they choose to do. If it was ever a problem for my male friends to be around me after he married, I would respect that too, and back off.
As for talking everyday...well, I understand wanting to keep communication open, sometimes things just happen and you can't talk every single day. A couple really in love, contemplating marriage, should WANT to talk to each other every single day, but it shouldn't be a REQUIREMENT. Putting that kind of expectation and pressure on a person leads to resentment, and makes them wonder what else you are going to REQUIRE of them later.
Sometimes a little space is a good thing, and healthy even, so long as it's not too much space. A couple shouldn't go more than a few days without talking, at least in some form.
I dated a gentleman last year for about ten months. We were talking about marriage at one point. We spoke every day through Skype (because it's free) and exchanged several emails a day...not because we HAD to, but because we wanted to.
There was one time, we got into a HUGE fight, and I lost my cool. I got so angry with him, I didn't want to talk to him for a while. I hung up on him before I lost all self control and said something really mean that would have hurt him greatly. Then I sent him an email immediately, explaining why I hung up on him. I also told him we BOTH needed to take some time to calm down. It was a Tuesday, and I told him we would talk again on Friday...to give each of us some space and to figure things out. He didn't really like it, but he agreed, because he knew I was right.
On Thursday, we exchanged an email or two. He tried to convince me to talk to him again, but I set a boundary, and I wasn't quite ready to talk (I wasn't angry anymore, but I didn't know what to say yet. ) By the time Friday came around, we both calmed down, and actually started to miss each other. We talked and worked everything out, and neither one of us lost our tempers with each other for a long time after that. We broke up, not because we didn't have feelings for each other, but because we wanted two very different things out of life. We knew we weren't meant to marry.
Part of the reason we got into that fight that day, was because we were both exhausted, and we had talked extensively, literally EVERY DAY of our relationship...there was no break or day apart from each other. We needed some time to ourselves and neither of us was getting that. Occasionally, some personal time and space is healthy for a relationship.
