There are 3 things that women must know about men. In her book, For Women Only, author Shaunti Feldhahn goes into great depth addressing these three, and a few other things women need to know.
Women must know that:
1. Men want respect. Just as we must love unconditionally, we must also respect unconditionally. That means, contrary to what we often hear, a man should not have to earn the respect of his wife; she should show respect to him no matter what.
Here are a couple of specific ways a woman can show respect to a man. First, respect his judgment. A man needs his woman to value and trust his opinions and decisions, even if they prove to be wrong sometimes. That means not constantly questioning his knowledge with a �why do you say that?� or challenging his decisions by asking, �Why don�t you just stop and get directions?� Second, respect his abilities. A man doesn�t want to hear something like, �You�re not a handyman, I�ll call the plumber� or �Sports isn�t your thing, I�ll ask John to teach him how to throw the football.� A guy doesn�t want to be shot down even before he gives it a chance. A man needs his woman to have confidence in what he does, whether it�s fixing the kitchen sink or changing a diaper. A man wants to hear, �Good work, honey. You�re the man!�
Respect should be demonstrated not just privately to your husband, but also in front of your children, friends and others as well. When your husband asks your child to take out the garbage, back him up by telling your child, �Let�s do what dad asked us to do right now, please.� When you�re out to dinner with another couple, let them know how your awesome husband surprised you for your anniversary.
2. Men want affirmation. If a man doesn�t think that his woman thinks he�s the greatest, he will seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work where he receives more applause, awards and accolades. He may look for another female to validate him and praise him. He may spend his time watching or playing sports in hopes that his competitive spirit will be satisfied by victory in the game.
On the other hand, if he hears the words, �I really admire you for reaching out to John and helping him. He�s had a tough time since he lost his job.� he will be uplifted and inspired. �The kids and I really appreciate how hard you work for our family. I know you�d rather be at home more.� would put wind beneath a husband�s wings. When a man is affirmed, it�s like a strong wind blowing into his sails. If a man feels his wife believes in him, he will excel and do better in other areas of life.
3. Men want to be wanted. Sure, we all know that men want sex�but men also want to be wanted. Sex with an emotionally uninvolved or reluctant wife, who only accommodates her husband to keep him �satisfied,� is not enough. A man wants to know that his wife wants and desires him. Having this kind of mutually enjoyable sex life is not only physically satisfying to your man, but also emotionally fulfilling to him. When a man knows he is wanted in this way, it�s like his wife saying to him, �You are more important to me than anything in the world.� This confidence building in the marriage relationship also spills over to a confident man in other areas of life.
I'm clearly no expert here, but even as a cyclist who rides 50+ miles a week, two hours of any kind of sustained physical activity sounds absolutely incredibly exhausting.
Rose, I respectfully disagree w/ your assessment here.
It is true that:
1. I think having sex 5 times a day is too often. Once a day would be great and maybe twice a day as a compromise. Is that really that infrequent??
2. That I don't want it to be so fast that it's physically painful.
3. I desire to be snuggled and to have Future Hubby affectionate w/ me.
4. I think sex should be about more than filling physical needs and I would hope it would be mutually nurturing for Future Hubby and I emotionally and help us build intimacy.
I don't, however, see anything wrong w/ me thinking/feeling any of those things and I certainly don't think any of that means that I'm repulsed by sex.
@Pixy sorry to gross you out I wasnt trying to. I cant think of any analogy or examples that will do. I guess its kind of like what you see in the movies. I'll just leave it at that.
I guess all I can say is there is far better than what you have told us your experience was.
I dont even think men want it once a day, but every man differs.
I agree with Rabbit...making love is an all day thing. He can help with the dishes or tidying up the house or going with her to store, just spending time together while he compliments her and just woos her or romances her. By the time alone time comes, they r both ready (well he's been ready) she's anticipating being alone with her man of God. They are both fulfilled.
I dont know if it will always work out that way, but it would be nice to think it would.
someone who says 5 times a day should look into getting help. Or maybe he's only thinking of himself...which is probably the case.
That isnt the way it's supposed to be.
God meant it to be a beautiful experience, not wham bam thank you ma'am...that's just immaturity.
@Rabbit: No worries! I think I was just tired and hormonal and somehow the way you phrased it just rubbed me the wrong way :goofball: And I certainly hope and expect that married sex will be better than violent, abusive sex! I know it will be =)
@River- Ya... He had a lot of lust issues, which is partly why we broke up. I sincerely hope that he's brought all of the before God, though and is working through it.
I agree that sex is an all day thing. I would definitely want some affection and things like that leading up to it.
I didn't make an assessment. I asked a question. I didn't say that you were wrong about your "list."
I was asking where the anxiety is coming from if you have truly gotten over your abuse and repulsions due to that abuse. Sometimes I get lost in all of the corners you turn during a dialogue.
Then I completely misunderstood what you were saying, Rose. I apologize.
I wouldn't really say that I have any more anxiety about sex than I do over other aspects of married life. I also worry that my husband won't like the way I decorate the house and little things like that :goofball: I know that God is sovereign but sometimes I wonder exactly how all those little details in marriage really get worked out. And some of the sex stuff is kind of normal, I think. Pretty much any woman I've talked to who's a virgin has a little bit of anxiety about sex... I think it's that fear of the unknown kinda thing.
As far as being over the abuse, I would say that it's an ongoing process that is not complete until one is in Heaven. We're all in the process of sanctification and of recovering from various things. Some people have been hurt in really big ways and other people in not so big ways. But we all have those things in our lives that have impacted us negatively. And while the Lord does bring healing, the consequences of sin (our own and things that were done to us by others) doesn't just always go away. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think, when we surrender that to God that he can really grow us through that and equip us for ministry through that.
Having been raped 5-1/2 weeks ago definitely has brought up some things from the past. But that's not a bad thing. And I'm not letting it control me or consume me. I'm just taking those things to the Lord as they come and relying on Him to keep me focused on the here and the now and how I'm called to live out my days. Ultimately, it's been drawing me closer to Him.
The thing about sex is that I'm actually looking forward to making love with my future husband. Because I've been so used in the past in that way and made to feel like I was nothing more than a piece of flesh to satisfy someone's perverse need, I long to see my sexuality redeemed. I long to experience sex as God intended it. And I think it's going to be amazing to become one flesh with someone and to be able to open myself up so completely and to be nurtured on such a deep level. So, even though there may be some little anxieties in there, I'm not anxious about the experience in general...
at You, sweetie! i'm