i've been with a few people from this website, and they have all been very nice. i was with each for about 2 months, when they all change their feelings all of a sudden. with one, i really thought everything was going to work out...i felt like he was 'the one'. he told me how much he loved everything about me, planned out our house, etc....and then one day he just went off the deep end.
this happens almost with every guy i'm with & i dont understand. its not like i was prodding him to say these things or think these things, either. they go from caring so much about you to all of a sudden wanting nothing to do with you...
why do guys do this? it hurts so much. i invest a lot of time and emotion in these relationships to constantly be hurt...its made me have trouble trusting all the other guys who start talking with me. i'm so paranoid that they're going to do the same thing. it really hurts & i dont understand why guys run away all the sudden after they tell you how much you mean to them. why do they get scared? why do these guys want to be on this website & then never follow through with anything? its so very hurtful...is there something wrong with me? i mean, i know i'm worthy of something, but why does this keep happening? its like i'm a magnet for these guys who dont know what they want.
I apologise for the weird spacing of this post. I have no idea why it did that as it did not appear that way on my screen while I was typing it. :goofball:
Perhaps this will be of some insight into the (seemingly) illogical traits of the male species.....
First, a few preliminary points of info on males (these aren't universal but pretty close) :
1) we have short attention spans and go from one attraction to the next
2) we love attention i.e. affectionate attention from the opposite sex, male admiration among our peers, the attention we get from success on the job, etc. (males are seekers of success and attention, it is what drives us)
3) we are primarily visually-oriented and visually-driven. That is, the first thing we notice about a woman, typically, is her beauty.
4) we love stimulation, and by that I mean that we love the initial excitement of talking to a new woman who catches our attention but once the initial excitement wears off, it takes all those others things that truly make a woman beautiful (personality, etc) to KEEP us there (sometimes it takes something more, like a heavy tempered-steel chain!). We aren't nearly as emotionally driven as women are, thus our seeming habit of jumping from one girl to the next without so much as a hint of attention to the feelings that may have been stirred in the womans heart.
There are many beautiful women on this website and for us males, it's like we are a kid in a candy store, pardon the irreverent illustration (ref. point 3). (No offense meant!) As such, when a beautiful woman on here engages us, we hover near them like a moth to a flame (point 2). However, I'm betting that one of the major reasons a guy stops talking to a given woman on here is because he found someone else he is more interested in (points 1, 3, 4) whether it be due to physical beauty (point 3), the way this woman said something to him which really piqued his interest in her (point 4), or because of some other thing. To be as succinct as possible, most of the time we just plain get bored. Our short attention span brings us to bounce from one pretty girl to the next once our initial excitement of the "newfound love" wears off. I'm sorry for how rude and hurtful that may sound but it is the truth (certainly not in all instances). I'm just trying to give an honest answer from a males perspective. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that MANY of us guys who do this DO NOT realize how this can come across as somewhat rude. Most of us are NOT knowingly setting out to be so careless and ignorant of the effects that our behavior can have on others. For most of us, we are just plain relationshiply-clumsy (yes, I just coined a new term) !!!! On behalf of all men, I ask that you women kindly forgive us and find it in your hearts to give us the chances (yeah, we're gonna need more than a few!) we need to come to our senses!
Pardon the analytical (read : boring) and nerdy way I attempted to explain all this, but I hope it explains a little bit the male psyche.
i get scared but only because of my own insecurites and always thinking i will never be good enough for anyone, thats why i like to hide behind my music cos it defines who i am without having to talk too much lol, but then once i get to know someone i am hard to shut up :)
Cattleman is right! People can hide behind a mask of "best behavior" for about six months. Nobody tells it better than a well known Pastor in Brooklyn , NY. Two pieces of advise he gives young people :
#1 "For the first six months you are involved with someone, you are actually dating their representative!"
#2 "The product is never as good as the advertisment."
There is only One who knows the depths and desire of your heart. Just remember, the severity & duration of what you are going through is in the hands of a God who loves you very much and wants the very best for you!
Like the Bible says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, the workman labor in vain." Psalm 127:1
We have ALL built relationships on expectations, trust and promises made by other people. I would also venture to say we have ALL been let down too, right?
The secret to stability is to trust in God. Don't worry little sister, He's working on your house!
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love: but perfect love (agape') casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love."
Perhaps, of the men that do get scared, those are the ones who are not abiding in God's love. When we abide in God's love, we find rest unto our souls, and in that state of rest, we are open to the wisdom that comes down from above. If we live out our lives according to that wisdom, we will not find ourselves in a situation or relationship that would cause us to be scared. Fear has torment, and torment sets us up for future fear, because due to past recollections of past torment, due to past relationship gone bad, we get scared, and shrink back.
It is not just men who get scared, but also women. I know single Christian women, even ones evolved with me in ministry who are afraid to get involved with me, even though I am gentle as a dove. Dove rhymes with love, and above all, may we all heed the call to, "Come up higher".
The thing about the internet is that it is NOT real life. It is so easy to get caught up in feelings and emotions (been there sister!!) because there is someone out there in cyber space that is telling us what we want to hear, making us feel special, needed, worthy...in our minds we go on ahead and plan our fantasy life with this person - that in reality we don't actually know.
Those needs and desires - to feel accepted, loved, needed, worthy - are all valid, but they cannot be met by a man or woman. The only thing that can truely full-fill us is the Love of God, and if we go after that...REALLY go after that - with the zelousness that we pursue finding a partner - seeking the Kingdom of God first - we WILL find it. We WILL be full-filled. Then we will be ready to meet someone to journey through life with.
Here are some things that I have figured out in my 34 years of life...and after marrying and divorcing someone I met on a Christian dating site. We emailed and talked on the phone for 3 months, then met in person and were married 5 weeks later. I thought this was hopelessy romantic. (Well...it was hopeless....). My marriage ended because of domestic violence. I would have realised that my ex-husband was abusive and violent, had I spent time getting to know him in different situations...had I done pre-marriage counselling...had I listened to the wise people around me telling me to S-L-O-W down...but when you think you're in love....you have butterflies in your tummy...your emotions are so high that you find yourself singing and giggling and thinking about that person night and day...when you think you are in love - those feelings are the only truth you see or hear. I did pray about this man, I talked to God about him....I asked God to tell me if he was "the one"....and unfortunately I convinced myslef that this is what God wanted for me. I was not hearing from God...I was hearing from a very lonely and needy part of myself.
I'm not saying those feelings are wrong, but we need to apply some wisdom with them. I know this is very hard...but it is a whole lot easier to apply them BEFORE you end up getting in to deep.
1. Love is a decision. Love is NOT a feeling or an emotion. Feelings change, emotions change, when you decide to love someone you commiting to love them even when they are behaving in ways that make them unloving. And they are doing the same for you....While love is a decision - let me be very clear here - there are situations where it is not safe to remain in a marriage. IN CASES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, CHILD ABUSE and UNFAITHFULNESS and it is biblical to seperate and divorce. You still need to forgive and love that person as Christ has forgiven and loves you - but your physical safety needs to be put first.
2. Both men and women can be charming. What does "to charm" mean? It means to decieve. I spent years looking for a charming young man to sweep me off my feet...and to fall in love....and I was ready to jump into a relationship with everything that I had...Any one can be nice for a short time. Lets be real. Getting swept off your feet means loose your footing...and falling into anything is not safe...neither is jumping in to something without knowing what you are jumping into.... jumping into a cool dark lake in Australia in the scorching heat of midday might seem adventurous and fun and refreshing, but more than likely there will be crocodiles with very large teeth floating just below the surface.
3. It takes time to get to know someone. You need to get to know someone's mind and character before you get into a physical relationship - so in theory - not meeting face to face should help us Christians that believe that it is not right to have a physical relationship outside of marriage...the thing is - unless you are actually with someone in person - you do not know how they will react in different situations. You don't get to see their full sense of humour - because you are not out and about in the real world. You don't get to see how respectful they are in abstract situations (would they step back and hold the door open for strangers...) You don't see how they manage their finances, and how they give to others. If you have kids (and my word, this is so very very very important for those mammas and pappas out there...) you don't know how they will interact with your kids. A person talking to your kids over skype or the phone IS NOT a reflection on how they would parent your kids. Spending time in real life situations, and putting in time to things that are improtant to your family (like going to your kids sports games...music recitals...or going to the park....grocery shopping with a tired and cranky 3 year old and remaining calm patient seperates the boys from the men....
4. It is a misconception that "2 halves make a whole". A marriage is not made up of 2 halves. It is made up of 3 wholes. You, your partner and God. If we enter into a marriage thinking that the other person will "complete me" we will never be satisfied. No human being will ever cpmplete us, only God can. If we look to our partner to do that, we will be repeatadly disappointed - because - humans are not perfect. A really good book to read is Myles Monroe is "Single, Married, Seperated and Life After Divorce"- it's great for people that HAVEN'T married to get a perspective on entering into a healthy marriage.
5. The most important thing to remember when you meet some one is this:
Does this person draw me closer to God. Do they encourage me in my relationship with God, or do they sidetrack me, and end up becoming a god in my life. There is a man out there that will love and cherish you, and because they love you, honour you.
We spend waaaaaaaaaaay too much time considering the motives and reasons why people do what they do. I am not being flippant or harsh rather, I am actually shaking my head as I too have been through similar situations.
We ask questions for "closure", so that we can "understand" what went wrong... BAH! How about this for a change -
The person that disappears was simply not equal to the challenge and responsibility of being honest, trustworthy, Godly and sincere. Finally, and perhaps for the first time, lonely or not, painful or discomforting, it's time for us to see ourselves as worthy of affection and love from those that are not fearful of true and amazing, God-inspired love.
It's not about arrogance or conceit. It's about loving ourselves enough to wait for that ONE that loves us, just as we are.
