...and she was raped and got pregnant, how would you handle the situation? What would you advise her to do? And would you continue to date, or break up with her?
"Do you think of the possibility that things like this may be completely offensive and/or inappropriate to post as a polling "hypothetical" topic on a public forum?"
Why is it offensive? Why is it inappropriate? It's a question. I'm assuming that she's interested in our responses as Christian men. Let the woman speak!
You said:
"What if there are several women or just one woman still recovering from such a horrific experience read this thread. What and how do you think this person would internalize this? Or... How this could pose as most offensive as someone is taking their nightmare and is using it as a polling question?"
Saved, there's no way anyone would know that. The principle you're laying down here -- don't ask questions that might offend someone out there when we have no idea what might be someone's trigger point -- means that no-one will be able to post again. I could come up with a billion nightmares and ample justifications for them and so shut down all debate.
How would they internalize this? I have no idea. They might find some hope for a relationship based on the responses. They might find healing in seeing their situation being dealt with in the light instead of feeling guilty and ashamed and like they have to hide it all the time.
But the thing is -- you don't know how they would internalize it. You're assuming that it would be bad.
Why assume that only bad things can come from this?
For all we know a victim of rape may see this and realize that they are still wanted by men that love them.
I think keeping somethings hidden away and not talking about it is the key reason why some women won't go seek the help they need. The victim is made to feel that they are the ones that have an issue and should suffer in silence.
Posts like this can serve as an encouragement for women.
I am sincerely sorry that this thread was found to be offensive by you and regret any emotional pain that it has reminded you or any others of.
What I'll do next here is address your questions and comments... and then I'll say a "few" other words on this topic (directed towards everyone, not just you).
You said: "I'm just wondering Pixy ... Do you sincerely pray for God's wisdom and assured guidance before you start such personal threads?"
My answer: Yes, I did pray before starting this thread and felt God give the "okay" to go ahead and post it.
You said: "Do you think of the possibility that things like this may be completely offensive and/or inappropriate to post as a polling 'hypothetical' topic on a public forum?"
My answer: I did consider the fact that this is an emotionally charged topic and that it could trigger memories in those reading it. That was taken into account in my decision to post this. Also, I never stated that this is a hypothetical topic.
You said: "What if there are several women or just one woman still recovering from such a horrific experience read this thread. What and how do you think this person would internalize this? Or... How this could pose as most offensive as someone is taking their nightmare and is using it as a polling question?"
My answer: If someone has read this who has personally been affected by this issue, I would encourage her (or him) to message me so that I could pray with/for her, encourage her, and help walk through the situation with her as best as I can do in an online format. I could also recommend several resources to her which may be of great help. As far as internalizing this, that would depend upon where a woman is at with healing and recovering from her experience(s). My hope is that she would be encouraged to see this issue be discussed out in the open within a caring, Christian community.
In regards to it being offensive, it is certainly true that rape is offensive and it is also true that it is offensive to discuss it in a demeaning manner. However, my intent here is to not demean anyone who has been raped or to minimize anyone's suffering, and I apologize if my words have suggested in any way that I look down on anyone who has been through this.
I think what is important to remember here is that the rapist is the one who caused the pain initially and those who trigger the memories later on are not the enemy and not the ones to be fighting against or to be angry at. Life, in itself, is a trigger. I think nearly everyone has probably had some kind of issue in his or her life that has been unpleasant and will have a variety of things that trigger those unpleasant memories. Scents can trigger memories. Seeing a word in a dictionary. Watching a movie scene. We simply cannot remove everything out there that could trigger an unpleasant memory for someone. It's not realistic. Furthermore, when we experience true healing from God, I think we find that those triggers aren't quite the explosive things that they used to be and that we're able to cope with the emotions they bring up in a God-glorifying manner.
You said: "If this was something that personally happened to 'you' (I pray that is not the case Pixy) and you posted a thread directly about 'yourself' asking the CDFF men their thoughts about 'you' that would be much different. As this poll would be directly be about 'you' as well as initiated by 'you.' I'm sure you can see the difference."
My answer: I understand where you're coming from. However, I think that the difference is negligible. If someone is going to be triggered by this post than I am 99% sure they would be just as triggered by seeing it posted in the first person. Additionally, it can help people provide a less subjective response when a question is not explicitly linked to a person they know. In either case, the question would have a hypothetical element to it anyway, as there is only 1 man on CDFF who is in a relationship w/ me.
You said: "These forums are public so when posting a thread of a personal nature it would be wise to bring it before God in prayer first for His guidance, discernment, and His wisdom."
My answer: I agree.
To be honest, I think it would be great to see more topics like this. There are multiple rape recovery forums out there on the Internet, but they're secular and the advice given is not in alignment w/ God's Word frequently and does not encourage women to glorify God in the aftermath of their experiences. For whatever reason, the Church seems to really shy away from talking about sexual assault, and I think that needs to stop. There is no shame in talking about rape, incest, or other forms of sexual victimization. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are called to band together and to support each other, and we cannot experience that to the degree that God intended us to when we sweep all of the ugly issues under the carpet.
I was just reading a statistic a couple of days ago that said that 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. And that statistic isn't any different for women w/in the church. This issue affects A LOT of people and those women have every right to ask questions and to seek support w/in the Church body. A woman should not have to go to a secular group for help because nobody in the Church wants to talk about it. And it doesn't only affect those who were directly victimized. It affects boyfriends and husbands and children and friends. And there is a very high probability that there are dozens if not hundreds of women on this site who have been sexually assaulted. It's also highly probable that there are dozens if not hundreds of men on this site who will someday date or marry a woman who has been sexually assaulted. (And, yes, I know that men are victimized too. I'm not implying here that they're not.) So... I really do think that this IS a legitimate issue to be talked about on a dating site.
Additionally, I think it's good to keep in mind that when we discourage rape survivors from speaking up, that it causes them more shame and prompts them to ask questions such as the one posed in this thread. We should never make a rape survivor feel like she has to hide her pain and recover in the dark, away from her brothers and sisters in the Lord. And we shouldn't make her feel like her pain and her experience is so bad that her brothers and sisters in the Lord don't want to hear about it. If who she is and what she feels after the assault is too awful to be listened to, then that doesn't give her much hope for healing now or any hope that a man will ever want her, does it? And I really think that we need to share Christ's hope w/ each other, and not just the hope for Heaven but the hope for abundant life that is offered in the here and the now.
Yes, I do recall your first post to this thread, Saved. And I was interested in your opinion and appreciate you being open about your thoughts on this topic. Please understand that my difference of opinion does not mean that I do not care or value your opinion; it merely means that I do not feel the same way or have the same perspective as you do.
I also know the lasting devastation that rape victims face and can also say w/out hesitation or reservation that one of the first things on many rape victims' minds is whether or not a guy will still want them. How do I know? Because this thread is NOT hypothetical. As I said earlier, I never claimed it was.
To be perfectly honest, Saved, since we have completely opposing opinions regarding the aftermath of rape, I'm not sure what we could have to discuss privately regarding the issue. I'm certainly not looking for a debate. Furthermore, I do not appreciate you invalidating the response suggested by the question posed in this topic and question why you feel the need to suggest to anyone reading this that such a response is not one that a rape victim should have. Comments such as that just pile on the shame even further to anyone reading this who has been victimized sexually.
I do appreciate your offer to talk in private w/ me about this, but will decline, as there is no point in prolonging the pain on either side here.
I posed a genuine question here, one that I was hesitant to post because I feared a response such as yours. As I said earlier, though, I prayed over the issue and did (despite your disbelief) feel led to go ahead and post it. Unfortunately, due to both the # of responses by men on this topic and the content of your responses, I am still convinced that the majority of Christians out there are uncomfortable w/ discussing rape and unprepared (or unwilling) to handle the issue w/ any sensitivity. That grieves me, but I suppose, in a rather indirect way, answers the initial question.
Saved said "InHisHonor Silver... Clearly you chose to interpret what I said to fit
and justify your input. From your responses it is clear to me you both
have never experienced Rape or worked with women or men who have.
I will leave it there..."
I would say that clearly you are wrong because I have talked with women that have been raped and some women do wonder if men will still love them after what happened.
Please don't make assumptions on my life experiences when you really have no clue what I have gone through.
