I grew up my entire life knowing Jesus, I'm active in my local church and have always been serious about my faith. I met a Christian man, (youth pastor/worship leader) and was absolutely sure God was leading us to get married.
He was actively pursuing me, asked me to start planning our wedding last summer, the whole 9 yards. At that point I think I let him kiss me. About a month before he'd wanted to get married he started pressuring me into something more physical. I ended up caving in, ... I know I sinned, I have no intention of repeating that mistake again. He backed out of the relationship suddenly, and now I'm a single mom. Something I'd never even considered would happen in my life.
I had over 9 months to heal, to be alone, to forgive myself, and seek counsel from my church and parents. I stepped down from my leadership position, but those around me supported me and have walked with me.
I would like to get back into dating. Do guys see this as inappropriate when my son is only a few months old? Deep down do you think my child should be older because 'baby' sounds scary?
I'm not about going out there just looking for a Daddy figure...but realistically I'd rather begin dating now than later when he's more aware. I know what's best for us IS a man, and for my son, a stable family and father.
If a man is mature he wouldn't see a problem with you and your baby. You have stated that one of the reason is because you need a male figure involved and that is commendable. Many times people would rather forgo the male figure in a child's early years but the first five years are the most important in a child's development.
So get out there but choose wisely and very carefully. There are some wackos out there.
I agree that it is important for a young child to have a male figure in their life...my concern for you and where I think the first male responder was headed is that you must make sure that in your search you take the first guy that comes along. I haave seen many of young women who have stayed in a bad relationship because, "at least my child will know their dad." That may be but when he is borderline abusive, especailly verbailly, is it isn't really healthy for the child to "know" their father in that sense. Anyway, I have talked with these women and others and it seems that a lot of women feel like they NEED a man. Just don't let that "need" become so important that you over look negative qualities that could come back and hurt you later. I myself don't see a problem with a woman dating who has a young child. Being that the child might be a baby would make me want to know the sitiuation...I guess just to know where she and the child's father stand being that it wasn't that long ago that they were together, you know? Anyway, just make your you are looking for the right reasons and more importantly that you are allowing God to direct your steps. God Bless!
In my opinion there is no right or wrong time.... however there are right and wrong motives....
Of course you want the best for your baby.... but YOU ARE the best!
Do not start to tell yourself that the child is missing a father and therefore you have to start dating now....if not...
If you are ready for a relationship where you meet someone you would love to spend the rest of your life with, you date.
Any other motive may sound noble and motherlike, but it will not give you happiness it only will give you the conviction that you did what is best!
I think you deserve so much more.
You sound like a very smart and intelligent person, also you have wonderful friends in church and you and your parents seem to have a good relationship. So there is nothing wrong with you.
However, you also sound to me (for what it is worth and I do have a tendancy to hear more than there is...) to be able to make incredible sacrifices as you feel that you owe your baby so much more than you have been able to give it so far.
A father for instance.
I am stressing this point as I really want you (of all people) a thousand percent happy. And what I want is that you dare think of your own feelings. Sorry, I may sound dramatic but I think you might think that you do not deserve this kind of happiness no more...
Well,.... I think you think.... I am becoming a little filosofical here.
The truth is, you captured my heart. I like you.
So here it is, on the risk of being intrusive or presumptious: Please look for a good man for you who totally accepts the baby, rather than a good father for the baby with whom you could accept to live.
Wishing you all happiness and long lines of candidates....:bow::bow:
I guess it depends on the right guy. If you find him, and he's accepting of what you're going through in your life, then there's no question that dating would be good. I would say the sooner the better, because your child would have a father...and that's very important. It should even be easier to find this "good guy" than it was before, because he's going to stand out as one that accepts your situation and loves you more for it. You still have to be careful though...because there are still freaks:boxing: that will try to take advantage of you and put you right back where you started.
Well Exist, I wasn't going to reply at first because you have gotten some real sound advice and I didn't want to sound iterative, but one thing that wasn't mentioned very often, and I'm sure you know this-as it's a given, but you have to put the needs of your baby first. Your baby is a very fragile and delicate being and can be very demanding and at some times over whelming, but he is depending on you and needs your undivided attention. Your needs should be put on the back burner so to speak. You're no longer number one.
Everyone was right, nobody knows but you when you can start back dating, and there are plenty of good men who would be willing to accept a mother with a young child; as others have pointed out, there are also a lot of wack jobs and abusers out there as well, so you must be very careful discriminative.
My take is a little different. I did that very thing, put myself on the back burner so that I could become the all and all to my husband and children. I lost myself and it took me a while to figure out who I was when He and I was over and my kids didn't need me like that anymore.
You are just as important as your child is, and you should take of your baby and yourself. If you are not okay, you are not at your best to take care of your child.
The words indicated in Bold are censored from the CDFF Forum:
Things to think about; Did the guy lose his place as youth pastor? Why does he not be a man and take care of his kid? Friend, it takes 2 to tango. I do not like to see woman abused. This is a form of abuse. My attitude has gotten me in to trouble even on this site. I have a habit of chopping guys up who mistreat women. If you stepped down so should he. Does he pay child support? He really did not want a kid.He just wanted a woman. Good things come to those who wait. I know you did not write everything. I like little kids because they are so funny. So, yes I would date a mother with little tikes. Your question has no risk to me.Children need a father and mother. As long as you asked god for forgiveness that is what counts. Because he did not take responsiblity here he still is in his sin. The sin is also against the child,desertion. Yes, I amy be a little bit harder than some others on the guy.He forced it, He is not a man. Do not blame yourself. Dennis PS. I am sure I brought up some different issues than the others.
I'm glad I got a few different points of view! Thank you for all the responses. I am really trying to seek balance as much as possible. Dating to me doesn't look like hanging out everyday, that's for sure.
No, my son's father is no longer involved in church. I sought reconciliation, have forgiven him for leaving, and made sure he felt involved through the pregnancy. I drive my son to see his dad once a week. I filed for child support, but he isn't working right now, so I haven't received anything. I've developed a relationship with his family, (his dad's a pastor and they have been such an blessing!) They urged him to take responsibility and told him he was foolish to not marry me, but for reasons unknown to me he's never come around.
I don't know why, but I do have a choice to not be bitter or angry, to trust God's hand in everything and feel blessed for my son, and for the wonderful new relationships with the other family.
I don't really feel the need to be rescued, and I'm content to just let God be God...I've gained a lot of confidence going through pregnancy on my own, and I know if I have to I will raise my son with God's help, and all the wonderful family and friends I have. I understand that it may just be part of my consequences.
I know I am worth a man's love, and that God was waiting, excited, for my son's birth just as I was!
I have NOT been in your shoes... but I am older... been out in this world for awhile... LOL. :goofball:
I agree with Babygirl... we ALL fall short of the glory of God... that's why we need Jesus! You are just being transparent about your sin... the men you meet may not be aware or honest about theirs. Don't waste your precious years of life in guilt/shame or questioning your worth! I can say from experience... I've done that and look back and am sorry I did that!
There is no condemnation... period... that's what the word says. I have spent many years... alone and hibernating... thinking that if God wanted me to have a mate... he would drop him on my doorstep (out in the country)... LOL!
I do feel you need to be responsible. By that I mean... make sure you have dealt with the feelings you have for your baby's dad and have received some emotional healing... found forgiveness for him... AND yourself. It would not be fair... to the potential young man who might enter your life!
And remember... you don't need ALL the men out here to be ok with your situation. God will open the heart of the man if he wants him in your life.
If I may offer advice from an "older" sister... who is crazy in love with Jesus.... be happy and make a good life for yourself and your child. Happy/ healthy attracts happy/healthy. Seek first the Kingdom of God... pray for his discernment... for the desires of your heart to align with his will.
Singleness can be lonely... humans were created to want companionship. Don't beat yourself up for wanting human connection! I spent a few years alone... and it was good for me. That's when I truly fell "in love" with Jesus. I allowed myself to heal, learn, and grow in spiritual maturity. Everyone's situation is different. Just be careful... scripture says to protect your heart with diligence. Remember... you don't need ALL the men to accept/understand your situation.. just the one that God will have prepared a heart for YOU!
Your transparency and testimony can be greatly used by God!
Luv Your Sister in Christ! :angel:
(p.s. my brother... (many yrs ago) married his wife knowing she was pregnant with another man's child. He raised the daughter as his own. They have been married 40+ yrs).
