1. Make sure you tell her that she is "HOT." Godly women just love to hear this. It helps them to understand that you're looking for a short-term relationship, that is, one that only lasts as long as she remains "HOT." Say nothing else about her. Make no comment about the text of her profile whatsoever. After all, you want to emphasize how captivated you are by her appearance... so captivated that you couldn't take time to actually read her profile.
2. Ask if she's a virgin. This questions works best in the first message.
3. Follow that up by asking if she has any better picture of herself or more revealing ones.
4. Make sure you ask her how often she works out. And if she's not specific enough in her reply, be sure to ask clarifying questions. Find out how strenuous her exercise program is and for how many minutes/hours she exercises a day. If she doesn't exercise enough, be sure to encourage her. Saying something like, "I hope you'll be able to keep up with me when we go hiking every day and exercise for an hour each morning together," will usually suffice.
5. Ask about her eating habits. If she doesn't know how many calories per day she consumes, encourage her to keep track, for her own health, of course.
6. Ask her if she's ever thought about getting some cosmetic surgery done.
7. Ask how much she weighs.
8. Ask if she has any scars or if she is prone to acne.
9. Tell her all of the ways that she can meet YOUR needs. Now this is very important: Do NOT tell her how you might be able to serve her or how the two of you could possibly serve the Lord together. Make it very clear that it ALL about you and your needs. Comments such as, "I look forward to watching you bake me brownies someday," are especially appreciated.
10. Request a play-by-play of just how and why she broke up with any ex-boyfriends. Make sure to do this in the first conversation or two. Also, offer her advice on how she could have prevented the break-ups. Make sure she realizes that all of the break-ups were her fault, but that you forgive her.
11. When she asks for your testimony, be sure to refuse to give it to her, because, of course, it is a story better told in person.
12. Ask her if she can fly out to see you soon so you can tell her your testimony in person.
13. Message her about 20 times a day so that she knows how much you care about her. Get upset if she doesn't reply immediately. Make sure to find out what she was doing that caused her to not be available to reply to you.
Tongue-in-cheek, of course, but happening much too often, sadly...
I got a message a couple of hours ago that was VERY inappropriate and sexually explicit, which appeared to be in response to this thread, as it very obviously incorporated pretty much all of the "tips" in this thread and referenced the title of this thread in the subject line. I'm unsure whether the guy who sent it just has a very crass sense of humour or whether he intended to be malicious because this thread bothered him or if maybe he thought this thread was serious and that I wished to get messages of this nature from guys.
So, let me clarify some things:
1. If what you have to say in response to this thread is too sexually explicit to say here out in the open, then it's too explicit to send to me privately.
2. If this thread offends you, I'm sorry. That was not my intent!
3. This thread is meant to be sarcastic and is in jest! "Do not try these tips at home!"
No kidding! You know those plastic storage tubs... A lot of them have this warning on them that you shouldn't store your children in them, because they won't be able to breathe, you know... And the plastic wrapping around bedding always has this warning about not using the wrapping to wrap around your kids' heads to suffocate them... You'd think that would be common sense... !
