Hey everyone! I was wondering if I could get some advice from fellow Christians & see what they think about my situation. I know I have sinned in dating a non Christian man, but I hope that you can still have compassion on me & read my story. Please forgive me, it's kind of long so I apologize.
I was dating a non Christian man for about a year. Things were great in the beginning & he respected that I was Christian. But the more I talked about God the more he didn't want to hear it. We began fighting mid way in our relationship. He lived an hour away from me & I wanted to get close to him because every time I would leave his apartment I would have to take an hour long bus ride home & then I got attached too easily too fast & a month into our relationship instead of missing him & wanting to take an hour long bus ride home we both decided that I could stay with him for awhile. So I lived with him in his apartment for about 5 months, he went to Japan for 2 weeks and I stayed in his bedroom most of the time (he shared an apartment with his sister & her two kids) & then I would always fight with him over the phone when he was in Japan about how dirty the apartment was (cat poop everywhere, poop in the toilet because it didn't flush, moldy dishes, not being able to do laundry because his sister always was doing laundry, not being able to use restroom or take a shower when I wanted to) & on top of that I have OCD which made it worse because I freak out with germs (not so bad now because I've been taking better care of myself, but it was really bad about a year ago)
And so we kept fighting all the time. Then I had to come back & live at my apartment because there was a flea infestation at his apartment. So I took my cat & came back home (my mom was watching my dog for me so I took him home with me too) So then he could only see me on Wednesdays sometimes and on the weekends because he works all week. Well we kept fighting when he came & visited me & I take full responsibility because it's all my fault. When he came & visited me I would get in fights with him because I would be freaking out about germs or making him sanitize with Purell, I would be crying because I didn't have time to do anything because he was here for only the weekend & it was hard getting shopping, cooking, doing dishes, laundry, & going to do something fun during the day like going to the park it was so overwhelming to get all this done in the 2 days he was here (I don't drive so he drove me to get grocery pick up & stuff) plus I was sleep deprived it's hard for me to sleep at night so on top of getting everything done in 2 days I would have no sleep. So when he came and visited me on the weekends I would sleep all day most weekends & he would be by himself or I would get no sleep at all & try to get things done only to have no energy & I wouldn't be very fun to be around. I feel so bad making him drive an hour here every weekend only for me to be sleeping or taking my OCD & mental illness out on him, he didn't deserve that. He kept saying that he would break up with me if I didn't change & that I needed to wake up because he loves me but he's almost done with me & he means it. Well I didn't listen to him & finally in January he broke up with me. He said he missed his family & friends, he was tired of me taking up all his time that he needed time with his family & friends, he wanted to find out why he was so crazy he wanted to go to a therapist, he didn't wanna drive for an hour here each weekend only for me to be fighting with him, he wanted to spend his weekends doing fun things that he wanted to do like play Kendama with his friends. He didn't hang out with his friends that much anymore because the weekends were for me because that's the only time I could see him (but I told him this very early on in our relationship I was worried about taking up all his time on the weekends how is he going to manage his friends plus a girlfriend & he said he would make it work) & I told him to go hang out with his friends & play Kendama, he said that I didnt really mean it when I said that so he didn't go hang out with them. A few times he went to Kendama jams with his friends though, I cheered him on & said that's great I'm glad he had a good time. I asked if we didn't fight each weekend would you still miss your friends and want to give them time on the weekends? He said yes & I even said that he should give his friends time he could see me one weekend & his friends on the next weekend he could see me two weekends a month & he said no he wanted to spend his time with me. He went from saying he would rather spend time with me, to saying he missed his friends & family & need to spend time with them, that I was taking up all of his time.
Well when he broke up with me, before that he said we could go on a 2 week break. Then it changed to "I only told you that because I didn't want to hurt you, I was never going to go on a break with you" so he was never going to go on a break with me he was only going to break up with me. He admitted to leading me on & apologized for it. I acted out in my flesh out of desperation because I still wanted him in my life, so I asked if he wanted to be friends with benefits with me once a month, he said he was still attracted to me & he agreed. The last time I saw him was on January 19 when he brought down my birth control he wanted to be intimate with me & we were kissing but I said I couldn't because it was that time of the month so we never had sexual relations that night. I was crying the whole night & the next day. He kept telling me to calm down. He said he would come see me in a month and to be strong. He said he still loves me & gave me a kiss goodbye. The same night he texted me Goodnight girl with a heart. Four days later I didn't hear anything from him I messaged him & he said sorry he's been busy with his family. Then I message him in Febuary asking when will he come & see me again he said he didn't know & that he could talk to me in a few weeks or more than a few weeks but he will talk to me when he's ready. Then a month later he hasn't said anything & I grew impatient, so I message him on Facebook & told him I got him some gifts for Valentines day & told him not to worry because I bought my other friend & family Valentine's day gifts too so I only wanted to give him his gifts as a friend, I sent him pictures of the gifts I got him but he didn't respond. I messaged him on Instagram asking where he was? He finally responded back saying "It's over." We got into a conversation but he basically said that the friends with benefits is over that sex would just end up hurting us both. He told me that if I want to be his friend then to give him space & time to heal & time to move on from me. I ask how long will that take & he said he didn't know, but a month is not enough time for us to be healed, he said I was not over him yet & he told me to move on. I brought up dating another guy, even though a month prior to that he said "Don't do that.... let's just give our friends with benefits arrangement a chance to work first" even after saying that, I brought up dating & now he says "I tried. I'm sorry." He doesn't care now if I date other people, he didn't even give our friends with benefits a chance. He said he still wanted me in his life & he still wants to be friends with me but he doesn't know when, that he needs time to heal. He also said he was crying when we were fighting about this, & I said why cry? you don't love me anymore you have ovbiously moved on from me. He said he was crying because he felt bad for doing this to me, he said he was crying because at the end of the day he will be okay but that I won't be okay.
I know I really messed up & I'm the reason why he broke up with me, but if he truly loved and cared about me, wouldn't he have given us a 3 month break so that I could take better care of myself & change, instead of breaking up with me forever? Wouldn't he care if I were to date another guy? He doesn't care if I get another boyfriend like at all. It's like all his feelings for me are gone. Do you think there's a chance that we can get back together? He said he will always love me but he can't be what I want in a boyfriend. His emotions change like the wind, he says one thing & then says another, so that's why I was thinking that maybe it's not set in stone, maybe after he's had a lot of time away from me he will want to reach out & atleast be my friend? He said he couldn't come down anymore because it will hurt him to continue a friends with benefits arrangment with me. But is it possible for a guy to be friends with his ex or will he always have feelings for me?
Do you think after he heals from me that he will be friends with me again or is that something that guys say to make girls feel better? He is friends with one of his ex girlfriends, so why wouldn't he be friends with me in the future? Do you think it would be okay to try & reach out to him in 6-7 months? We got in a fight about how he broke his promises & he said that I broke my promises too & he said he didn't wanna block me but he will if I didn't give him time & space, I told him he might as well block me that he didn't love me anymore, & so he blocked me on facebook & instagram. He didn't reply to my text messages either. I haven't seen him in over 2 months.
Even though he wasn't a Christian like me, I miss him like crazy. Even though he was an Athiest, he was not like the other jerks I dated who were abusive to me. He was kind, sweet, & a gentleman to me, we had a lot of fun together & he made me laugh & smile. He even told his friends how much we have in common & that I was an awesome girl. All that has changed now. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. It makes me cry how he doesn't love me anymore. He said one time that he was sad that I didn't love him anymore, but now I am sad that he doesn't love me anymore, he was the one who ended it. He went from saying I was the nicest girl he's ever met, to saying I was evil & calling me names. I'm so heartbroken. Why can't he think of the good times that we had like how we laughed & played Kendama & we were kind & sweet to one another & we went for drives to the snowy mountains & we went to the movies & how he held my hand when we were together & hugged me & how we went to look at the Christmas lights, why can't he remember all of the good times instead of the not so good times? He said he wasn't happy a lot he threatened suicide a lot when we were fighting. He always thought he was fat & ugly. I would tell him he was handsome all the time I was his biggest cheerleader I tried to make him feel better about himself. I truly believe that we loved eachother we sent eachother cute texts all the time, we would hug & kiss & say how much we missed eachother, it wasn't all just fighting. But all he can think about is the fighting he won't think about the good memories we've had =(
I've done everything I can. I've emailed him & gave him a heartfelt apology. I told him I was sorry about everything, I took ownership of how it was my fault the relationship ended & that I was so sorry & I should of treated him with more respect. I told him I was bettering my life & getting my OCD under control, that I was getting closer to God & going back to church, that I was exercising everyday, I told him I was sorry for starting fights with him, I told him that I was sorry for depending on him for everything & for depending on him for my happiness that it was too overwhelming for him, I told him I wish I had another chance to make it right because I'm different now I've really been trying to find happiness & be a better person, I told him I know that he probably won't get back together with me but when he is ready can he give me a chance to be his friend? I said I know that if we were to hang out as friends I would not cause any fights with him at all that I would be in a good mood & we could go hang out at the park for awhile & then he could go home after that, I have learned my lesson in not starting fights because it led to him breaking up with me, so I would be on my best behavior if we were to hang out as friends. I said I still want him in my life even if we are just friends, I can't imagine never seeing him ever again. It brings me to tears. How can someone who loved me, who I thought I would marry, do this to me? He saw me cry, he saw me have panic attacks, but he still broke my heart. I understand that he was tired of me saying "I'll change" & then I ended up yelling at him or sleeping all day, I understand that it's my fault he left. But he also said that even if we didn't fight or anything every weekend, he would still miss hanging out with his friends & that could of caused a break up too, he said he needs to be around his family & friends again. The last things he said to me was that we can be friends someday but not right now, that he doesn't know when we can be friends but he needed time to heal from me & he told me to move on. There's no way I can talk to him because he blocked me on facebook & instagram. What do I do now? All I can do is wait, he won't talk to me or email me back.... my heart is broken. I know that if a man wants to talk to you, he will. If a man wants to be with you, he will. If a man wants to make things work, he will. That you shouldn't have to beg a man because he will chase after your own heart if he wanted to. But it's so tormenting because I love him, if I didn't love him I wouldn't care if he broke up with me I wouldn't care about talking to him again. But he is all I ever think about, I beg God all the time for him to talk to me, I just wanna be his friend, it doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship, I just wanna spend time with him. I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to make it right again because I messed up.
Please if you can give me any advice I would really appreciate it, I'm so sad. I don't want to live the rest of my life without him...
Oh I understand. Thank you for writing back to me I appreciate it!
Yes I believe for men to be the men that God created them to be, that men & women can both be who they are in a marriage.
Oh no, he said he didnt want me to visit just in case his friends were to ever make fun of me because they were those kinds of people & he said he didn't want to have to get in a fight.
I think in the end it was just the distance, & how he missed hanging out with his friends every weekend. He didn't like how I took up all of his time every weekend. But I hope he has a great life, I am praying for somebody who will love spending time with me someday.
That's so true, I don't know what it's like to be with a Godly man =(
You don't know how a godly man looks like... well, read Bible passages like Galatians 4:1-2!
Galatians 4 (KJV)
1 Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all;
2 But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father.
So any serious old man can tell you that the guy you fell in love is really a man? Or is he still a boy? Has he overcome difficulties and now looks mature enough for your taste? Does he love to spend time with you? Or does he complain about it? Marriage means you two will become one flesh, not two nor three but one flesh! If he can't deal with it, then he's not good enough for you, darling.
P.S.
Make sure he isn't a criminal before getting too attached to him!
Wow, I am sorry you had to go through all that. Having friends who make fun of you or having a toilet that doesn't flush or fleas are not good.... Yes, it's your fault, but it's also your fault that you settled for someone like that. It's sad.
If you want him back, the only way is to stop talking to him. Leave him alone for 3 months or 6 months or however long he wants to be alone. Just don't email him. Don't text him. Don't bother him. This is the only way you can get him back. And you have done all the wrong moves. When someone wants to break up with you, begging to get back together doesn't work. It just makes the other person want to run away from you even more. I'm sorry this happened to you. I would suggest that you take a break right now. For one year, don't date anyone. Try to forget this guy. Find a hobby. Read a book. Do things that make you happy. Go to church. Pray. And maybe a year from now, you should start dating different guys. Then if he contacts you again, take it slowly and welcome him back (if you still have feelings for him). But be slow. And reevaluate this relationship, because from what I have read, he might not be such a good guy. But ultimately you'll decide. Just don't be too clingy. That can make some people run away from you.
By the way, one of the reasons why I refuse to date anyone who is not a Christian is because Christians believe the Bible. And the Bible gives us boundaries and rules such as "THOU SHALT NOT LIE." Most Christians take those things seriously. When you choose an atheist or someone from another religion, they do not have the same type of rules that Christians live by. They don't think that lying or cheating is wrong. They live according to an entirely different set of rules. They don't necessarily keep their words, because they don't have to. They can take advantage of other people and exploit others, and they do whatever they want. There are no rules. And that's scary to me.
Marrying an atheist or person from another religion is kind of like driving into a flood water. You don't know how deep the water is. And you don't know if you're going to make it. You know that you are heading into danger, and you go into danger on purpose when you know you could lose your life (your salvation). So, why did you become his friend in the first place? The Bible says do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. "The righteous should choose his friends carefully for the way of the wicked will lead them astray." (Proverbs 12:26)
There is another verse in the Bible. It says, "The mouth of an immoral woman is a deep pit; he who is abhorred by the LORD will fall there." (Proverbs 22:14) This means that if I get in touch with an evil woman, and she entices me, then it may be because God is mad at me. It's a form of rejection or punishment. Now, consider this : The fact that you two broke up may be because God loves you and wanted to protect you from a very bad person. When people are in love, they see everything in pink. Even a bad person seems like a good person. So, you can't see him the way he is right now. Maybe a year or two later you will be able to see why he was bad.
Hey silver! I'm so sorry that it's taken me awhile to reply back to your message, I didn't know that I had gotten another message on this thread. I hope you can forgive me,
Wow thank you, this is the best advice I have ever gotten about this. I really appreciate it truly!
He was at times very passive aggressive towards me, at times mocking the way I spoke. He would speak like "That's lit, fam, dude, bro, let's chill" & has called me cusswords when he would get mad. He had an anger problem that he admitted to, I remember when he got so impatient standing infront of a line at a grocery store that he threw all the items on the floor & we walked out, this was before all the fighting began. He would get angry when he became very overwhelmed. I also noticed that it was always what he wanted to do, what music he wanted to listen to or tv shows that he wanted to watch, he was always interested in Kendama & didn't seem interested in what I wanted. He smoked pot every night also & I smoked with him but when I didn't want to smoke or that it was giving me panic attacks he didn't care, he would come over & smoke & then fall asleep leaving me to watch a movie by myself.
He didn't seem compassionate towards me being a Christian, but I should of acted like more of a Christian instead of showing anger all the time, maybe if I would of showed the fruits of my spirit he could of seen the love of God shine through me, I will always blame myself for that. But I do remember before we started fighting that he didn't like talking about God at all in the beginning when we first met & that it seemed like if I were to bring God up that he just got upset about it. I blame only myself for choosing a man who isnt Christian, I should of known better. I even said when he first messaged me that he probably wouldn't be interested in me & that he lives so far away, but he tried to change my mind & I fell for his charming ways. I became his friend because I was lonely & desperate because I didn't have anyone to talk to, it's so lonely when you have social anxiety & don't have any friends but I totally know to only choose to date a Christian man now.
Yes it's now almost October so that means that I have not talked to him in eight months, except the one time where I grew weak & emailed him asking if he wanted to go see a movie in March, but I haven't emailed him since then. The only way I can speak to him is through email, do you think it would be a good idea to send him a happy birthday email in November, just to let him know I was thinking of him? I just wanted to be friendly & wish him a happy birthday, but maybe that isn't a good idea though.
That's true, I was so desperate that I begged him to be with me, & now I know that begging someone to be with you does not work. If the other person were to give them time away instead of begging you to be with them, then they would feel like they could get back together on their own & have their own clarity instead of feeling like they need to give in to someone's demand. They can choose to be with the person because they want to.
By January it will be a year since I have dated him but I don't think I will date for many more years because my heart is still broken. I am too afraid to date another man for fear of being hurt again, I gave him my whole heart & don't feel like I can give my love to another atleast not for many years, & it's sad because I am only 30 but that's just the way it is I suppose. I am also trying to get better mentally & spiritually but I also want to lose more weight before I meet anybody as I am a plus size woman. It's so disheartening to try & meet people as it is because of my social anxiety disorder, that's why I feel so hopeless because he was my only bestfriend & it took like a month to feel comfortable around him & to meet up with him. I just don't think I can go through that again for many years because it just drains my spirit so much, I don't think I can ever meet a guy who would understand so much as he did & was so patient with me, he didn't force me to do anything & took his time with me. He didn't care that I was chubby, had Social anxiety & OCD, or that I couldn't drive. He didn't like that I was Christian but he was agreeable on everything else. He didn't ever make me do anything sexually that I wasn't comfortable with. I'm not sure if I can ever find a man like that again. Maybe a Christian man could be agreeable, but I am finding that Christian men can be the exact same as worldly men in those areas so I don't know who to trust anymore. I think I will always have feelings for him because I have never connected with anybody like him before, he was different then the other guys I've dated because he didn't abuse me like they did, he was so kind to me in the beginning which is why I'm so heartbroken. How he could turn from admiration to pure hatred towards me just makes me so sad.
I've been trying my best to try & forget about him, I've been reading classic books & taking my dog for walks at the park. I want to go back to Church again but I have a difficult time in getting there because I don't drive but I will keep praying about it because I love going to Church.
True, maybe God was just trying to protect me & I know that I deserve more than what he could offer me but I feel like God had us meet & that our souls connected for a reason, that God knew that I would eventually fall in love with him & give him my whole heart, but it didn't work out so I'm not sure if this was written in the stars afterall. I'm so confused if this was God's plan for my life or if it was just some guy I was dating & now it's over & I have to move on? Was it my fault that I fell so fast for him & wore my heart on my sleeve or was this a man that God knew I would eventually want to marry? In the beginning it was like a fairytale, we were so in love & he was so kindhearted towards me. God knows that I wanted to marry him so how can one move on from that because I'm the kind of woman who once I give my heart to a man that no other man can have it again, that once I marry someone it's for the rest of my life. I thought I was going to be with him forever but now he's gone & I'm not sure how to cope.
Aw it's funny you say for me not to be too clingy, because he said that he actually liked clinginess & that it didn't bother him. He was more clingy to me for along time while I gave him the space he needed before all the fighting. I think clinginess can be in a good way if it's not being obsessive but just things like being kind & wanting to spend time with the person but at the same time respecting them & giving them their own time away from you is good. It's just disheartening to let go & not talk to the man you love for months at a time & it's tearing me up inside, I still think about him every night before I go to bed. How do you let go of someone whom you love but who doesn't love you anymore? I dream about his smile & the way he looked at me. I miss his hugs. But these thoughts won't leave me alone, I'm haunted by all of our memories together.
Yes that is very true, Christians live by virtue & mortality more so than a worldly person does. I believe if you have the love of Christ in you that you wouldn't do any of those things or live by your flesh. Like I could never do what he did to me & just completely cut him out of my life because I love him, but maybe because he didn't love me or have the love of Christ in his heart that he just didn't care about doing that to me? I just have trust issues because I have found that other Christian men can behave just like that & live like the world does so does that mean that they aren't a true Christian? Gosh it's so confusing. I'm sorry for the long reply, hope to hear from you soon, God bless you
