Okay, so usually I don't message guys on here first. Unless I really relate to something they've posted on their profile or whatever, I will normally wait for them to message me first. I never had good experiences when I made the first move with guys and I always ended up humiliated and hurt. I think it looks bad for a girl to be "chasing" a guy, so I figure that if they see my profile and they're interested, then they'll message me. And if it's meant to be, it'll happen. I try to have a really laid-back attitude about this whole thing. But when I go out on a limb and put myself out there, such as emailing a guy whose profile I really liked, then I always end up getting ignored. What happened? This has happened more than once. I'll come across some guy's profile and they'll say something funny that makes me laugh, or I see that we have a lot of the same interests, etc. so I go ahead and message him casually just to say hello and introduce myself. A few days later when I log back in, I see that they've read my message and viewed my profile but never replied. Am I just nobody's type or am I doing something wrong? Is it normal for guys not to respond? I usually try and respond to anyone who messages me at least once...
Atleast from my guy persepctive there needs something in her profile that I can connect to that makes me respond.
Also i've gotten a lot of message that just say "Hi," "How are you doing" which does not encourage me to write back. At least for the lady's reading this, I just suggest make sure you write a little more of an intro, NOT paragraphs, but NOT a one liner.
I have had this happen to me 100% of the time as well. To the point I stopped messaging entirely.
I'll admit I've been guilty of it too. Mostly for the fact that I don't know how to put it the right way of telling a lady I appreciate her interest, but I'm not interested, without hurting her feelings. Rejection bites, and I hate for anyone to feel that on the account of me. So I often ignore, and sometimes wont read messages from people I don't know as friends on here. I'm not proud of that, and it's not the best of choices, I know.
I don't know... a polite "thanks but no thanks" at least acknowledges them as a human being. If they had said "hi" in a grocery store isle would you just pretend you didn't hear them?
At the very least, these are brothers and sisters in Christ. You're going to be spending eternity with them anyway, so you might as well tip your hat on the way by!
all i have to say is now you know how us guys feel lol. it's hard to put yourself out there because you have a very good chance to be shot down or ignored. don't take it to heart to seriously, there is plenty of fish in the sea ;)
I hardly ever post on the forums, but this question caught my interest.
My own experience has maybe been a little different than some dudes here. When I've been messaged, about 50% of the time it's spammers (which the admin team deals with quickly), and the other 50% of the time it's women who are, uh, a little forward. Not in a sexual way, but very often in a "if I can get married I can immigrate" way. They're usually from disadvantaged nations, they're usually very willing to express affection quickly, they're usually interested to a degree and with a rapidity that's not my normal experience in meatspace. Maybe part of that is just their local culture, I don't know, but the result is that when I get a message, all sorts of red flags go up. I make it a point to respond politely to any expressions of interest, because I've /been/ the vulnerable/lonely person making first contact and putting my heart out there, and I know how much it sucks to get rebuffed kindly, much less rudely. Most guys... I dunno. We're not used to that, much, so we don't really have the well-trained instincts most ladies have in letting people down gently.
So yeah, maybe some of it is that the guy isn't interested and doesn't feel like responding, but don't assume that it's necessarily anything to do with you, either. A wink, generally, is a lower-impact introduction and signals interest in a way that doesn't seem particularly forward (at least to me). Also, keep in mind recent studies that indicate that the top 20% of dudes on these sites get 80% of messages from ladies. If you're interested, so is just about everyone else, so his inbox may be pretty flooded and maybe he didn't respond 'cause he just didn't have time.
Just for clarity, you fellows are experiencing the same thing as we ladies are re: 50% are scams, red flags from overly friendly disadvantaged countries ... and the risk of putting yourself out there only to be rejected or rebuffed. It is a human experience, not a male-only one.
CDFF has made gentle rejection really easy by giving us the auto "thanks but I don't think we make a good match" option button which has a very polite and considerate, brotherly/sisterly "wishing you all the best" message. It's just as easy as hitting the "delete" button, but less harsh.
The fact is that less than 5% of people actually find a marriage mate on any singles sites so the chances are you are actually just making acquintance with your future kingdom-mates!:dancingp:
I am well-experienced at online dating (having done my own version of it in the 1990s before all these dating sites existed), and let me say the guys' replies here are all sound.
I'd add, though, that a full 90% or more of the emails men get are scams (and I include 99% of the messages from Philippines and Russia) trying to lead men to porn sites or "Filipina or Russian Bride" sites.
Interesting tidbit: On the Christian sites, women often state in their profiles how they think a man should be doing the asking. But on the secular sites, I have rarely seen a woman make such a statement. In fact, popular culture (in the USA anyway) seems to frown on men doing the pursuing (it's known as "stalking" these days). So, good for you for letting men be men.
God created men to pursue, and today's society has wussified men to the point they are afraid to pursue, or just don't think it's necessary since women are so bold these days (I think this is Biblical, btw, that when men don't stand up to do their jobs, women will step in, much to the disgrace of men).
Anyway, I think, however, that because men are so passive these days (and *especially* Christian men--for some reason people think Christians are supposed to be meek and timid!), I think it would be perfectly acceptable and in your best interest to give a guy a simple wink, or praise him for a forum comment, etc. Men have a need to feel appreciated, even though they don't admit it.
Personally, I believe as you--that if someone writes, it is rude not to even acknowledge them. Therefore, anyone who writes me (sans scammers) gets a reply from me. And it may be a simple "Thanks for contacting me. I'm sorry, but we are not a match."
However, the ladies in this thread are right--the guys who don't respond are rude and you don't want a rude man anyway, right? :)
Now, one fella mentioned your profile. Let me add my thoughts to his comments.
He is right. Most men don't read long profiles. However, most women *do!* Bear this in mind always--it's like being in business: don't advertise your product to yourself. Advertise it to your intended customers!
Generally, men don't read long profiles, and are often turned off by them. So keep yours short and hit only the high spots, but invite men to ask questions. Be open to their questions, and when they ask, don't blow them off.
Have you noticed how most men's profiles are so short it drives women insane? Most men don't think all these details are important because they don't know their audience. A man who understands women will write a longer profile. Yes, yes, I know, I'm generalizing. There are women who hate long profiles. However, we're talking mass-marketing here. If you want to catch the most fish so you can keep the best one, you have to use the favorite bait of most of the fish.
Unless, of course, you are someone who wants a very, very specific guy (6'3", 200 lbs. brown hair, blue eyes, and 3rd Order Calvinist with a C. Everett Koop beard).
On Christian Cafe, I had a guy email me once and tell me my profile was wayyyy too long and I'd never find a woman that way. What I didn't tell him was that about 20 women had specifically taken the time to write and tell me what a great profile I had, and not one woman has ever told me it was too long. Crazy, yes. But too long, no! :)
Tom
Communication is the essence of an excellent relationship--G. Tsao
"I'd add, though, that a full 90% or more of the emails men get are scams (and I include 99% of the messages from Philippinestand Russia) trying to lead men to porn sites or"Filipina or Russian Bride"sites." ...i have to react with this,where did you get this statistic? Is it realiable enough? Honestly,it hurts me badly not just bec im a filipina but also its unfair that you specifically post it here....if your source is base on porn site,i guess you cant expect a christian behavior in there... I mean its like a slap on our face,wow! that is totally unfair and unrealistic...
In the name of Jesus,i speak forth blessing upon you.
I'm speaking as a guy who has many years experience on many dating sites.
To be sure, there are fewer scammers on Christian Cafe than on other sites I am or have been a member of. But they monitor scammers pretty heavily, and usually delete them within 30 minutes of reporting. I don't know how well scammers are handled on CCFF yet, as I've only been actively participating here a few days.
I have a friend I met on Christian Cafe who lives in the Philippines. She is aware of the scams and yes, it hurts her because she has to prove she's legitimate. Same with a woman I dated who is from St. Petersburg, Russia.
For some reason, there are many women in the Philippines (and they may actually be men posing as women) who will build relationships via email and Skype with men, build their confidence, then come up with a story saying their mother or child needs an operation or food, or whatever, and get the men (and Christians are known to be compassionate so they make good targets) to send money. There are hundreds of fake dating profiles of people doing this. There are also many women seeking to marry an American man in order to get a ticket into the USA. This is a fact, and probably is not the case with you.
In my little town of 1,800 people, there in one man whose Filipina wife divorced him as soon as she was legal in the US. Another man, just brought his Filipina girlfriend over last year and they married soon after she landed. He is so happy, he has told me several times that I need to find a wife from the Philippines.
He said they are loving, loyal, sweet, kind, not materialistic, and of course, the most beautiful women in the world! :)
As for the Russian scams, those seem to be mostly women (or men posing as women) who try to get a guy interested--usually with a really pretty photo--then start emailing, then give a website link to either a Russian find-a-wife service or a Russian porn site.
Before I met my Russian friend in person, I made sure she was legit by asking various questions which are not easily answered by a Google Search.
Incidentally, for some reason, the Russian scammers very often pretend to live in the United States having moved here from Russia whereas the Filipinas seem to almost always state that they are in the Philippines (Manila or wherever).
I don't know why certain types of scams come from certain places. Even in the online retail business, we won't ship an order to Nigeria, because of a certain type of scam that happens there so frequently (and which began in the 1970s and still persists to this day) it is known as the Nigerian Scam.
I guess if you want to prove to yourself that men get lots of scam emails, open an account as a man. I get at least a few scam emails a week. I'd get more if I were on the dating sites more.
By the way, you have a great profile! You will not be mistaken for a scammer for several reasons.
