I am a strong, independent woman. I always have been and I always will be. In past relationships, I have told the guys I was seeing that I am independent and can take care of myself. They always start off saying that is what they want in a women and have been looking for. But as soon as the relationship gets going, they retract. They say that they are looking for a woman who needs her man and that I don't rely on them enough. How can I keep my independence but still make a man feel needed?
Okay, I definitely need to clarify before this post gets any more involved:) I am a woman who mows the lawn, opens my own door, and thinks my own thoughts. Not because I can or want to prove a point. I just don't know any other way. I was raised to be independent, think my own thoughts and fend for myself. I would never put down a man for wanting to help me, but sometimes I want to do things for myself. It has been my experience that men would be angry or frustrated when I wouldn't ask for help or want to spend time with them when I already have plans. I didn't know they wanted me to ask for help, I just assumed that it was my responsibilty to take care of myself. I'm not saying I am right or wrong, maybe we all need to be more specific in what we want or need. Whether it's to feel needed or to feel self-sufficient. I just don't understand why it always happens that way. That's why I feel so in the wrong, like maybe my independent nature repels men...
Thank you for the clarification. There is certainly nothing wrong in taking care of yourself, I am curious do get angry when someone does something for you wothout asking? Just Curious..
Do you have room in your life for a man... I guess what I am envisoning is kind of like a merger..or a union..the stitching together of two lives including responsibilities, finaces, friends, famliy and the like?
Would I be mad if someone did something for me without asking me? Like what? Are we talking doing my dishes or picking out my outfits for the week?
And yes, I envisioned a stitching as well. But just because you marry someone doesn't mean you become them or some melded version of both of you. You may share friends and family, a checking account, and a bed but your brain is still our own. I definitely know I want someone to share my life with and I won't need to make room for that person, they will just fit. You know:) I think I have just witnessed too many relationships where the woman and man get so wrapped up in each other they lose sight of themselves. I have seen couples lose friends, walk out of their families, give up their dreams, even walk away from God. Forgive me, but I also envision a marriage as a partnership that lifts up both parties not tears them down. I guess I haven't had the best examples. But that is what happens when we live in a sinful world...
idk...I know of women who would get mad if you mowed their yard lol
Actually iirc region in the brain become devoted to the person you are with, and the longer you are with them the stringr those connections.
Become like them...that would be silly, but I have seen ppl do that to, I have ended relationships becuase I saw the woman was not honest in who she is.
As far them just fiting, well thats not altogether true if God hasnt retrofitted your for marriage. I mean its a role that we develope to in Christ. Most ppl on here are probably not even ready for marriage.
Yes, your right. I certainly can't say I am ready. Probably because I haven't met the right one. I have always had a difficult time envisioning myself in a role until I am in it and living it day to day. I don't think I will ever be 100% ready for anything in life. But I will make commitments to follow through on whatever is foreseen and unseen in marriage.
And no. I would love if someone would mow my lawn:) I just think it is more to do with communicating what needs to be done in community and what tasks can and/or should be done individually. And I will admit that I do like to fix things, especially my own problems. Not because of pride (I don't think.) I like the process of discovery and development and finding my own solutions. That is why it is often difficult for me to ask for help or I should say it isn't often on my radar to ask for help. If I did, I feel like I would miss out on growing as a person.
I have to say that just typing this out has really helped me to process this question.
You ever wonder if you might miss growing together with another when you dont let someone help you even if you dont need it? :^) I have had to learn to do that (especially with kids) :^D...that thought actully made me smile really big
I need to let you know something rather important. Hopefully you and everyone else who reads this will fully understand what I'm trying to say. By the way, I've already mentioned this topic in a previous forum post...but anyway, let me explain...
Much of this generation has been brainwashed in so many ways that it's sad...no, that's not the right word for it...I should've said "epidemic"!!! I'm not against women having certain rights and freedoms (as long as I believe God approves), but I will say this: THE "FEMINIST MOVEMENT" IS LARGELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NONSENSE AND CONFUSION ABOUT THIS ISSUE OF INDEPENDENCE FROM A SPOUSE!!! As a result of the "feminist movement", much of this generation of young ladies have been taught in various ways (and by various persons) to be "independent" of a man. Truth is, that "teaching" or "doctrine" does NOT line up with God's Word! It is a "false doctrine" that never should've been taught! WHY??? Just look at your own life and you'll see the confusion it has caused! Even if it was an issue of "men" wanting independence from "women", I WOULD STILL BE AGAINST IT!!! WHY??? Because it's wrong either way! Neither men nor women were created to be independent of the opposite sex...which is obvious if we read the first 2 chapters of Genesis.
Another thing...I don't mean to upset you by anything that I'm about to say, but I need to tell you what I honestly believe to be the truth. I believe that you've probably been running guys off because you've been "overly independent" in the past. When I say "overly independent", I'm only referring to the fact that you need to try to be "independent" of your parents and so forth...but you don't need to be "independent" of your "special someone"! Truth is, it's not your fault that you're confused about this issue of "independence"...you've just been taught the wrong way. Men and women were created to "need" each other...or in other words, "depend" on one another. Just being honest, unless a woman "needs" me spiritually, emotionally, as well as physically...then I would most likely be "turned off" by her! Here's the sad part...the feminist idea has even gotten into the minds of many "guys"...but it normally doesn't take long for most guys to realize what they're truly longing for...A COMMITMENT! It's a God-given inner desire that is rooted in the souls of men and women. Notice what those guys told you at the beginning of the relationship...and then notice what they said later! You didn't rely on them enough, which says to them (by your "actions") that you "want" them, but you don't "need" them. You see, they desire a "commitment"...but it's not possible to have a "commitment" unless both of you "need" each other, or are willing to "depend" on one another. Marriages/relationships won't last unless both persons "need" one another. This whole idea and/or attitude of "independence" is wrong for both men and women...because it's rooted in selfishness and pride. Independence involves an attitude of "I want you, but I don't need you". THERE'S NO LOVE IN A STATEMENT LIKE THAT! Maybe that's not what's being spoken in actual words...but "actions" speak louder than "words". I'm sure you're beginning to see my point.
Here's the main problem with this issue of independence: INDEPENDENCE IS WRONG!!! MARRIAGES AND RELATIONSHIPS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH INDEPENDENCE!...well, other than the fact that marriage involves independence from our parents and so forth. GOD DOES NOT EXPECT OR DESIRE FOR US TO BE "INDEPENDENT" OF THE OPPOSITE SEX! Yes, we need to try to be "RESPONSIBLE"...and yes, we need to have a certain level (or sense) of "SECURITY" even when we're on our own...but God does NOT desire or expect us to be "INDEPENDENT" of our "special someone".
What I'm about to say might seem somewhat harsh to many people, but I need to say this: You posted this forum post for the "guys"...well, just being honest, I believe many of the people on this site (and abroad) need to seriously ask themselves that very question...DO YOU REALLY WANT INDEPENDENCE? Fact is, if you truly desire to be married, then the answer to that question should simply be "NO". By the way, I also noticed that you asked this question...HOW CAN I KEEP MY INDEPENDENCE, BUT STILL MAKE A MAN FEEL NEEDED? Well, here's the answer to your question...YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS! That's no different than desiring to be a professional math teacher, but not being willing to learn how to do algebra...IT SIMPLY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! Please understand, I'm not trying to insult you or anything like that...I'm only trying to help you by letting you know the truth! I know you're smart enough to see my point. I'm sorry if what I've said sounds harsh, but the truth is the truth...and I'm not sorry for the truth, because the truth sets us free! :)
I've also noticed too much of this "talk" about someone being "READY" for a relationship/marriage. Honestly, nobody on this earth has ever been 100 percent ready for a relationship or marriage. That's why we must walk by faith. TRUE FAITH ISN'T JUST SOMETHING WE HAVE...IT'S A CHOICE THAT WE MAKE! Faith is called "living life". If anyone is determined to wait until they're 100 percent ready for a relationship leading to marriage, then they might as well quit...because life doesn't work that way! I'm not trying to seem discouraging to anyone, but it's the truth. SHOULD WE TRY TO BETTER PREPARE OURSELVES??? Yes...but we cannot and should not expect perfection from ourselves or others! The main question is this: IN THE SIGHT OF GOD, ARE YOU WILLING TO "CONTINUALLY TRY" TO PUT A REASONABLE AND/OR NECESSARY AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO THE RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE ON A "DAILY BASIS" TO MAKE IT WORK? If the answer is "yes", then you're ready to be in a relationship leading to marriage. If the answer is "no", then it's probably best that you wait until you're able to honestly answer "yes".
By the way, "Rabbit32"...Thanks for looking up the definition of the word "independence". I believe it proves my point that "independence" is different than being "responsible" and having a sense of "security" when we're on our own.
We all need to stop confusing "responsible and secure" with "independent". There's a major difference between the two! I need someone who is "responsible and secure"...but NOT someone who is "independent". Just being honest with all the young ladies out there..."independence" is a MAJOR "turn off" to me!
Anyhow, I hope this information has been helpful in some way...even if it only helps one person. :)
I'm glad you like the definition, perhaps these might speak to your heart...
Condascending: Displaying a patronizingly superior attitude
Haughty: Scornfully and condescendingly proud.
Understanding: The quality or condition of one who understands; comprehension
I know that you are trying to help, by giving helpful information, however I don't believe the way you said it or how you deliverd the ideas to your intended audience were successful. For instance if this message provokes your anger, (and be honest, cause no one likes to be corrected in public) than perhaps you could hear what you said the way a woman would have and understand why they might not recive your words well...
and please understand what I say...if any man wants a long happy life with a woman, that man would be wise to understand the way in which a woman communicates. :^)
Wow! I stumbled across this because of Rabbit's comments and I must say that this is good stuff! I appreciate what's been said here..I can understand where Miss Kelly Rae, Focus On The Unseen, and Rabbit are coming from.
I agree with what I believe FocusOTU is trying to say in most ways. I think that perhaps he could've said it with more sensitivity and grace, but I think that he is speaking from a sensitive subject for himself as a man. I do hope that you do see that Miss Kelly is trying to reach out for more understanding and she could use some love with whatever wisdom you may have to offer.
As for Rabbit, I strongly appreciate what you've had to say. You seem to have a strong desire for clearity before you give advice, and that's a sure sign of wisdom. You've also had very good and Godly advice to give.
Miss Kelly I am a very strong woman. I've had no choice. I have had to try to fill the place of daddy to my kids and I've had to try to be able to handle EVERYTHING that life has thrown at me with God's help, even things no woman was meant to ever have to suffer through. Because of the way my life has been, I have become very strong and what could be called "independent". However, I don't like that term because I see better now how it can be perceived . I am very strong and appear to be self sufficient, and by the grace of God I am usually. That doesn't mean that I wanted it this way,(to be without a man's help or influence) but I'm not ashamed of who I am. However, I want a man very much so in my life. Not just any man, but one that it will be okay for me to "NEED". The truth is that I need a man. I need his strength, his gentleness, his guidance at times, his connection to God and to me, his love, his manliness. A MANifestation of the love of Christ. I need to know that we share everything, both the good and the bad. I know that I came from man and that God made woman for man and said it is not good for man to be alone. I NEED to have RESPECT for a very special man. I also know that I cannot just fill this place in my life, and that it's not okay to just let that need come out whenever a man comes around and seems to wanna meet a few needs in my life. I am trying to say that If you have a little trouble letting men do things for you then that should be okay. You see, if you let just any man fill your real need for a man, then you and he will get hurt. Something inside of you may have not been ready to open up to those guys before because it was a very important deep need that you couldn't give away to just anyone. Kinda like virginity, if that helps paint the picture. You don't have to wear your needs on your shoulder. Just be sure that you let GOD guide you, and when the right man comes along, God will show him how to get close to you and meet your needs with patience as you follow God into it. I hope I didn't say too much and that that helps. I wouldn't mind talking more feel free to email me sometime.
