Hi, I've been a part of this site for over a year and in August 2010 met a great guy on here. In October 2010 we started dating and things were going great. We have a lot in common, communicate well and felt the relationship with stable and healthy. In fact, my boyfriend started saying," I love you" and talked about marriage. We even looked at engagement rings last month and were planning to get engaged in April/May of this year. This morning, out of the blue, he called me and broke up with me. I am completely in shock! I asked him why he was breaking up with me and he replied that he doesn't know who he is or what he wants out of life anymore. I think he has a case of cold feet as we were getting closer to being engaged. Advice or thoughts appreciated. Thanks!
Man, that s u c k s!!!:boxing: On Valentine's Day? Girl, I got yo back if you need him dealt with!
Wow. The most prevailing thought I have is, its a good thing that you were saved BEFORE marriage. Alot ppl decide to trip out on the wedding day or afterward.
He was completely right. To have reservations is normal and I would think its something wrong with you if you didn't question what you're getting ready to do when entering into the most sacred of convenants. But if his feet got so cold that he had to break up with you, then he DOESN'T know what he wants or who he is.
God is a healer of your heart, the sooner you yield it, the sooner he'll heal you. Chalk it up to experience and know that God has someone for you that will be ecstatic to make you his wife.
Sweetpea, so sorry to hear this happen to you. Yes, he could have been more sensitive, talked to you in person and explained to you, how he honestly felt about your relationship.That would have been the nice thing for him to do. But God will get you through this painful time. Hang in there..Kay
I cant imagine what was going through his mind to say he loves you then do that to you. My question is, is he asking for time to figure out who he is or is it over, and if so it begs the question if his feelings for you were genuine!
Know that nothing is out of Gods control. God is good and only wants the best for his children so hang in there mate.
Thanks everyone for being so compassionate about my situation! I know people are praying for me and I feel God's peace about this.
The reason I'm saying I think he has gotten cold feet is because at the beginning when we were getting to know each other, he said he wanted a serious relationship that would lead to marriage.
Now, he's saying he's too young to get married, isn't ready to get married, thinks we should date longer before getting married, thinks we went too fast in our dating realationship (even though he is the one would led us in this direction. He brought up engagement and marriage, not me.)
I do believe his feelings for me are geniune. I just think he is scared about getting married because it's a huge step/change. And feels over-whelmed with fear about that, so decided to break up with me.
I'm just giving him space and time right now to think about things. I believe if we are suppose to be together, it will work out. And if not, God has someone else in mind for me.
Because they are supposed to be the leader, and the success or failure of something always falls on the shoulders of the leader. If the bills don�t get paid, it�s the husband�s fault since he needs to provide for the family. If the children aren�t disciplined it�s his fault since he is the one who is supposed to discipline the children. If his wife isn�t happy then it�s his fault because he is not being the loving husband that he is supposed to be. And if he isn�t happy, then it�s his fault because he isn�t trusting in God.
It does sound a little odd that he stated up front that he wanted to get married, and now has changed his mind about marriage.
Let me give you something to think about. I�m no expert on this, but this is based upon what I have read.
Women generally base their decision on whether or not they are ready to be married on whether or not they have found the right guy. So a woman might say that she isn�t looking to get married right now, but if the right guy comes along and sweeps her off her feet, she will jump at the chance to get married. It sounds a little odd, but love has little to do with a man�s decision on whether or not he is ready to be married. Men base their decision on whether or not they feel they have accomplished all of their goals. So, even if he met the most perfect woman in the world, if he is not ready, he won�t marry. For some men, this could mean doing all the fun stuff that they think they can�t do once they get married. For other, it may mean getting a job lined up and preparing to provide for a family.
My point is, don�t think that he is not marrying you because you weren�t being perfect enough for him. My second point is, talk to him and find out what conditions he needs before he feels that he is ready to marry. You may find out that you can help him accomplish those goals. It sounds to me like he thought at first that he could accomplish his goals, and therefore was seeking a wife, but then something changed and he doesn�t feel like he can accomplish those goals.
There certainly wouldn't be any way of knowing why his particular reason was for getting the cold feet. We're not inside his head. And we would never know what HE saw or experienced for him to base his decision. From what you write in your profile about yourself, it seems that you are a woman who has a genuine and kind spirit who is not "me" focused.
I think Cobbler brought up some very valid points from the man's side of the coin.
I think you should also know that men are NOT afraid of commitment for commitment's sake. Men these days are starting to look at the situation in it's HONEST form where marriage is concerned, and whether or not it will actually benefit them to be married outside of the "touchy, feely, romantic' notion that movies and love stories portray to heighten the senses. Men are becoming acutely aware as to how marrying the "wrong" one could lead them down a road of devastation where their own very lives are concerned. You as a woman of Christ, and many other's like you, need to become very aware of these issues. Maybe if enough Godly women become aware of these issues, they might actually be able to help in the battle to eliminate the imbalances that a "secular" world has put on marriage where men are concerned.
Examples.....
We currently live in a "no fault" society where divorce is concerned.
Fact.... It's now approaching 60 percent of all first marriages ending in divorce... The divorce rate for second marriages is at about 80 percent.
Fact.... Over 70 percent of divorces are actually filed by the women. Most of these divorces are NOT because the man was some sort of "ogre".... The real reason most are now filing is simply because marriage didn't meet the "expectation" of what women perceive marriage to be brought upon by years of Harlequin romance stories that women feed on...... When the going got rough.... or let's just say...."boring and mundane".... the women wanted out. I cannot TELL you the amount of women that I have personally talked to who said..."my ex was a GREAT guy and a really great father and provider....but I need PASSION". Only for her to divorce the man, and start down a road of either getting with some guy right out of the chute, who promised her a world of EXCITEMENT, only for it to turn into being involved with a highly dysfunctional person, or then just sitting on internet dating sites being 'adored' by fifty emails a day from guys that feed her ego and can say 'the right things'.
The divorce courts favor women in virtually all aspects. From child support, to visitation, to spousal support, to division of properties......
Do you have any clue as to how many men have been stripped of virtually everything they ever worked for only to start again.... including things like pensions and retirements, simply because a woman got bored??
Trust me... there are plenty.
Personally, I am surrounded by no less than four marriages right now that are on the verge of 'the rocks' because of "boredom" in the marriage, and the woman wants to suddenly start a new life because.....all of her best girlfriends are doing it.
In my line of work.... do you have any idea how many "divorce" parties I've witnessed? I can tell you.... more than you would know. When I got divorced, I didn't exactly throw a "party".... on the contrary... I was on my knees weeping to the dear lord asking what I did that was so wrong after providing as much as I did.
The world right now is teaching women to be "independent"... It's the proverbial... "I don't NEED a man.... I WANT a man" mindset. Unfortunately, most men are finding out that they are only wanted.....when the woman NEEDS something. After that, he's pretty much dismissed.
I hate to paint this picture like this. I just thought it was fair to inform you that men are NOT afraid of commitment. They're merely afraid of committing to the wrong one.
Cobbler had some very valid points of what it's like to REALLY be a "God fearing man who wishes to lead". There is much pressure on being the leader in the family household. It makes it that much tougher if the leader stands the potential of being usurped at every turn, only to then deny any accountability or culpability when trying to overthrow the leader.
Just my two cents. You are only twenty eight. You still have plenty of time to find the right one. Maybe more of this knowledge will help you be able to help whomever comes along that wishes to have you by his side.... and you be at his.
Thanks so much for your input! I believe you are correct in what you wrote. In fact, he did change jobs during our dating relationship. He loves his current job, but isn't making as much money as what he did at his previous job.
What is the title of the book or who is the author of the book you mentioned?
I really don�t have a book I can refer you to, it�s mostly from articles that I have read over years. I would be willing to say that his change of mind was caused by his change of job, and not that you just aren�t the one.
I would talk to him and verify that this is the truth. Make sure you don�t ridicule or make him think he was foolish for ending the relationship. He obviously needs to learn to open up and express his fears and concerns with you (that takes time to learn). If you make him think he was foolish for having those fears, he will learn to close down and not talk to you about them.
I want to make another guess. Did you discuss a desire to have children soon after you are married? With the job change, he may not have felt that he could support a family so soon. You may need to change your goals, if you want to marry him. To me, the time to marry someone is when you fall in love, not when you have everything figured out. You just get married and adjust your plans as things change.
If he really is a great guy, then he is worth pursuing.
