I am learning that when some men are going through things in life like loss of income, depression, or anything that they struggle with feeling less than confident, they tend to back away from relationships.
I have known men (married and single) going through these types of experiences who walk away from women they love.
In my own personal experience I have shown support and thought no less of my man but still he withdrew.
How can us women show love and support when our men are going through this? Any other advise along this topic is appreciated.
...What you are talking about is something that every man has -- no matter how intelligent or brave or reverent or big or...what have you -- every man ( at least 80%) will react that way to some extent. The more "John Wayne" they are the farther away they turn.
Men tend to place their worth by the "size" of the deer they bring home. We will simplify things to make our lives easier. Bigger -- More -- Faster -- Winner...all this means we are worthy. Being a good listener or affectionate or loyal...these are all good traits to have but, Bigger -- More -- Faster -- Winner...these are what Defines Us! This is how we know we are being a good husband, lover...provider.
So...when we lose the ability to "bring home the Bacon", we lose our Identity...our status as MAN. No amount of logic is going to change that. You literally feel 2 inches tall and worthless. A sense of shame comes over you, followed by anger...anger at the cause of your predicament...at yourself...even towards the woman you love very dearly.
As a wife...there is absolutely nothing you can do.
My suggestion would be to write him a letter. Let him know that you Love him...that that will never change. Tell him that you will be there if he needs you. That you will do whatever he asks of you and that while you can not feel what he is feeling...you do "feel" his pain and you will give him as much space as he needs.
As always with anyone that has been traumatized -- monitor him and seek professional help if you feel the nescessity to. Also the wife needs to be honest with her own feelings and deal with them.
This is a very good post. It hopefully, will elicite plenty of responses and maybe help some of us who are trying to deal with hardships.
dear isabel, every man handles things differently.. but for me id say dont push and dont smother him .. as thats prolly a time id want a little space to think out things.. and get my act together..
what we need is somebody to pull us out and redirect us from our funk, by giving us something we can specifically do. an action to take. as opposed to women, us men see feelings as something to get over, and when we're like that it's too much to get over and we get confused.
be direct. let us know you're still there for us, and care, but sometimes we do need a loving, but direct swift kick in the butt. When guys are like that we've lost our motivation and direction for a while and don't know how to get it back. If you could help him to find it again when like that, the level of respect he will have for you would be through the roof, and alot of times is why they leave because they don't have direction, or motivation, or respect, and just free fall like chaff in the wind basing our decisions on feelings rather than what's pragmatic. Sometimes it also helps when somebody makes us say what we feel outloud, usually that's when we realize 'maybe molotov cocktails aren't the solution to this problem.' lol. it's difficult, but don't be afraid to tell us what we need to hear even if it's what we don't want to hear and be firm.
i'm really impressed at what a caring question this was. those guys were fools for leaving you.
dear isabel, i dont think youd even have to let him know youre there for him.. as i believe a man knows when a woman is there for him without havin to say a word..
see its not about you persay.. its about what he has to find within himself.. and thats summin you cant find for him.
these are the things he has to find out within himself with just him and JESUS alone..
so see to me its not what you do ,but yet its what you dont do thatll make all the difference.. least it would be for me..
see ill tell you a lil secret .. when i had my first heart attack at age 36 i was weak as a kitten for about a little over a year.. it took alot out of me.. and walking around and seeing so many things needed fixin and doin and yet i was helpless to do anything about em myself.. well that made me very angry .. and i felt so worthless.. ya see what i had chosen to value my manhood on was now taken away from me..
i had chosen to value my manhood on the fact that i didnt need anyone else to do summin for me as i could do anything myself.. i worked harder than others and didnt have to ask for help.. ..id made everything so that it could be done as a one man job here on the ranch.. id made special tools so i didnt need help.. bought special equipment so i didnt need help... and was so proud of that fact.. hehe
pride had to go and humility had to come in its place.. these were all things along with depression that had to be cleaned out from inside the man in order for GOD to be able to work as HE wished..
it took a whole lot of alone time and JESUS workin it all out ..
but no one else could of done so.. praise GOD..
but the folks that loved me were all right there for me always.. and now i value my manhood on what i can do.. not the things i used to could do.. a mans gotta be at peace within himself before he can ever be any count for others.. so let a man do what hes gotta do and just be there for him... if he knows youre there for him , he will be around ..smile
If the man is hurting and withdraws. The wife is supportive, not pushy but gives lots of affirmation of worth and love and he still withdraws how do you think the wife feels? I can tell you she feels rejected and unloved. So I think some of you are saying to be supportive and patient, but what about the wife's feelings of rejection? How can we get around this or can we?
Question: Who are the men trying to impress when they want the biggest, most and fastest? Society? Other men? Their wives?
For your information, if you find a woman who loves her husband the way God intended, she will love and support her husband no matter what loses he believes he has. She doesn't care that he lost his job, has to move to a smaller house, can't buy her flowers for her birthday. She doesn't care if he gets hurt and can no longer mow the grass. She will admire him just as she always has and see him no different. So when men withdraw the woman does not only feel rejection but she is deeply hurt because she knows her love abounds and believes it is not appreciated because her husband/boyfriend wont' have anything to do with her.
Something else you may want to know. When all of this is going on, it is the most important thing going on in a woman's life. At least for me it is. This type of woman will drop everything to fix it. I think the difference between men and women is that men stay so focused on tasks like work and production. It may not mess up my work but I will gladly drive to the ends of the earth to be where my partner is to support him. I do not run or hide; I am right there.
I believe men want everything "fixed" before seeking relationships. This is so even if he is absolutely crazy about the woman. Am I right?
I thionk it is inherent in men that they are providers. Women are inherently nurturers. Granted not all men are good providers and not all women are good nurturers. Our feelings about ourselves are based on how we see ourselves living up to our roles.
Frankly, I can't think clearly when I am with a woman that wants to talk about whatever is bothering me. It can take days for me to figure it out and then a few more days to plan how to deal with it. My cave has a big "No girls allowed" sign on it. If I am pushed to talk then I become frustrated that I can't perform in a way that pacifies my mate. This just adds to my frustration. I don't like to talk about something I don't have worked out in my mind. My withdrawal is not from my mate it is from everything including my mate so it isn't something that is personal. If she takes it personally and tries to fix it she just makes matters worse for me.
Gotta go with remp and thunder here, yes, we want things fixed. Thunder's illustration about the "cave" was great! We know these things affect you as women, but you see, we're powerless to deal with something like that. In fact, just as thunder said, sometimes it can make it worse.
From a man's viewpoint: 1.You fail at what you are supposed to be doing. 2.Your answer to this is to attempt to fix the problem. We do this by devoting all our energy (yes all) at the problem. We don't have any left for ourselves or our anyone else. 3.If the unemployment continues, depression sets in, and then, when it can't get any worse (in our minds) The woman starts telling you you're not "holding up your end of the relationship." So you get more depressed, and withdraw further, and get depressed that you're failing and withdrawn, and repeat cycle, repeat cycle.
There's not really much I think a woman can do unfortunately, I think it's just one of those things where men and women handle a situation differently. We as men aren't trying to be hurtful, but you gotta understand, if I'm not happy with me, I can't expect anyone else to be, either. Hope this helped:glow:
