How does a boy child learn how to love when he was left alone to himself with no form of example to look up to when growing up?
How does he grow and become a secure man when the father has abundant him too when breaking up with the mother?
How will he learn how to control his anger when his example is anger?
How does he learn how to communicate when communication is always in form of hostility and yelling, because his never heard and recognized?
How does he learn how to respect himself when there was no respect given him as a child and shown value?
How does a boy become a man when there is no man in his life?
These and more questions are in my heart, with another one posted on "Advice on love and dating" as one of these questions though i'm more referring to a women (myself) on that one.
Dear brothers we ladies see and expect so much from you. We see leaders and good husbands. Great fathers and brothers. Best friends whom we should be able to pour our heart to when need to be listened to.
There's such desire in us to help you not coz you reflect any lack in you, simply coz you trigger and bring out our female nature of assisting. But now how do we help out when we only met yesterday with the above mentioned issues to deal with before a man in you can come out? How can a willing lady to accept you as you currently are with a condition of partnering with God in helping and being a tool He uses in bringing out the best suppressed and hidden in you from your childhoods experiences? (If one didn't grow up in a healthy warm normal home)
How do we use our God's given wisdom to manifest our gender calling of being "your helpers" without threatening the relationship with the same wisdom God has entrusted us with in being blessings not threats to you or the relationship itself? It's very easy to think i'm judging you and intending to control and change you when in actual fact we (me and God) are working on bringing out the best in you and YES the process may seem harder and most probably stir fights and arguments before we can enjoy fruits of your changed man coming forth.
Thank you dear ones for speaking your minds on this.
Eschaton was humbled when added in your list of favorites, thank you so much dear! :glow:
Hey lookit that! It didn't take me forever to answer this one :)
These are some great questions you ask Sissy.
I think it's impossible to not be influenced by the messages we encounter (thoughts, words, and deeds broadcast from the individuals and media we encounter in our lives) even long after they were first encountered. I think it is extremely important to be aware of the messages in our lives that we attach ourselves to and believe and let influence us. For example, if a young man is angry he likely has unwittingly attached himself to things that make him angry because he is very young and impressionable (abuse, abandonment, trauma, etc.). The solution then is to continually practice detaching from the negative. To learn/teach to let go of the things that hurt us and cause pain. The way I've learned to cope with this is to take 10 minutes a day to sit and sort of observe the things that pass through my mind. As I do this I'm looking for anything that will cause me to become angry, sad, or otherwise negative. As soon as I recognize such a negative thought, I mentally say "detach" and I let it go and don't think about it. I also do this throughout my day, but those 10 minutes in particular I just focus on just doing that. Because to do otherwise is to focus too much on the problem and not enough on the solution. To hang on to negativity holds us back from moving forward to pursue and achieve the positivity we want for ourselves.
For me, that was crucial and I think what this describes is learning how to learn and progress. A person can tell you what to learn, but if you don't know how to learn, it won't do much good. For me, I knew in my mind who I wanted to be and what I wanted, but could never seem to pursue or make progress in obtaining that because of the negativity that was holding me back. To me, that was a huge missing piece and was not easy to come by.
You making perfect sense friendship as I read your loaded and detailed reply over and over again. Yes there's more focus on the problem and less attention on solution. Think it goes down to the lack of knowledge on how to go about solving the issue, so there's more focus on what we know and are sure off which is the problem one goes through, and less attention on solution since one doesn't know anyway how and where to start solving these issues.
I'm then amazed of the crisis that kept crossing my mind as reading your reply. If there are numerous ladies out there who grew up lacking parent affection as I stated on the other section, then happen to find a partner either here on line or inperson,... Can you imagine that combination of couple if the guy grew up experiencing the number of question I asked in the opening massage? And the lady having her own issues to get through in learning to accept and express back affection expressed to her by her partner? It's two individuals in need of help with the other part (the lady) expected to help her partner when she also has her own issues to get through.
Your 10minutes strategy's a good idea of practicing to let go. I'm gonna implement that on my daily activities. Its amazing how hectic one gets and forget to just give 10minutes to self. Though up bringing leaves one with deeper wounds that needs serious deliverance through Christ Jesus and professional help also. Having said this I do not even mean to take lite or undermine what you shared. That was very thoughtful and highly appreciated, thank you!
This is a challenging subject Sissy. I'll try to place my emphasis on the solution, seeing as the problem has already been suitably touched upon.
Begin by placing yourself in the shoes of the young boy.. If you can�t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, emotional or neglect, when suffered at the hands of the childs primary caregiver breaks the most fundamental human bond that a child will experience.
Can there be any greater betrayal of trust than this? When faith in your parents is shattered at such a precious age, it must be very difficult to consider anyone remotely trustworthy. Viewing everyone as a threat is a defense mechanism and it inevitably leads to difficulty in maintaining relationships in adulthood, through fear of being controlled or abused again.
Abuse and neglect, leave deep, lasting scars. You have to show them that they are a dear child and that their life has meaning, value and a divine purpose. Feelings of worthlessness, considering oneself to be "damaged goods� must be dealt with.
But, how do you do that if you don't have the words? You let your actions speak for you. Cast your doubts to one side and accept that you can make a tremendous difference in the life of a neglected child. You can show them the way that leads to life, but you cannot teach someone to love. We only learn to love by becoming followers of God, as dear children. We can love, but we are not love. Only God is Love. Give the child what God has given you. Open the treasure chest of your heart. Be compassionate, be patient, give calm reassurance and your unconditional support. Give them the greatest chance they have to heal and break the cycle of yesterday, so they don't perpetuate it tomorrow.
Sorrow will be prevalent, because Love will bring to light those difficult subjects that can be hard for a victim to accept and even harder to talk about. Memories and old feelings will resurface, causing anxiety and distress. They'll have trouble regulating and expressing their emotions in a way that is considered to be universally acceptable. Adult survivors of abuse usually struggle with "unexplained" anxiety, depression, and anger.
With Love, and the spiritual fruits that are in accompaniment, you will observe these fruitless branches that manifest and you can use them to trace your way down to the root cause of the problems. Once the root has been brought to light. Forgiveness and healing, brought on by the scattering of good seed can choke out the bitterness.
Sow my dear, God is the one who causes the seed to germinate, bringing forth the green shoots of recovery. Reassure the children, As God reassures you. If you ever have doubts, consider the greatest expression of love that any generation will ever know "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" The words of Jesus, for those who crucified Him. That's the power that is with you. His love, His authority, it will overcome everything. It is written, and it shall come to pass.
I think all the comments posted here are amazing as well.
Well, am not a man ahahah...but am happy to contribute based on experience and my current studies in Crime and Investigation.
Sissy, your questions relate to a response I gave to a friend over the weekend when I told him, "Sometimes, it's not about passion. Sometimes it's about self- drive and viewing your life from a different lens compared to others in the same situation." Many a times someone may succeed in something he or she hates, but it doesn't necessarily mean, this person is passionate about that subject, but because this person realizes that this is a characteristic of a road leading to success and a path through which he or she must succumb to before getting to the Top.
No matter what a man may go through, he can better the past through self -drive and forcefully refusing to repeat the past. I tell you, it's not easy and not many may think this way, but I want to believe that in relation to your question many men must have faced and must be facing this,but it's out of self -drive that they have made a difference than what many may not have been able to make. If a man hates to be in a horrendous situation and wants nothing compared to that situation and only the best, he'll fight and look for avenues (either by doing personal reading on the Word, articles on grooming, managing conflicts, struggles, motivation etc) without necessarily being told. How interested are you to better your future? What does your intuition tell you? What do you actually want? What does the Bible say?
I have grown up in many of the conditions you have mentioned above, but I'll tell you, as a girl, I should have broken down already and for good LOL (at some point I did break down), but I am where I am today because of self-drive and believing that someday, I'll see light. I forced myself (with no one by my side apart from God) to pick up my sticks and I told myself, "I want to be an example for many to follow, an exemplary wife, an amazing mother to my future kids...am going to work my way through this". I fought and I have made it...
It almost felt like counseling session where I'm being given an assignment of self search and told to be as honest as I can possibly be in answering those questions. This was meant as "How does a boy child..?" but trust me dear one I found my own assignment too being a lady. Assignment of the list of issues to deal with, that begins with honesty as I think and trace back why have I've been single for the previous 10years? With no intention of being in a relationship even now moving forth, crazy hey..?
Is this why I should rather pursue business. Work crazy hours and travel anywhere for business sake? Is that my idea of substituting the reality await me to face and deal with?
Is this where the, "I don't wanna be stuck with husband and kids" coming from?
Could I really be fearful of having an intimate bond with opposite sex and therefore I put friendship in fore front as a wall of defense?
I'm feeling so confused ever since I red your reply (which you're definitely not at fault off. I asked for your opinion from the first place) and very glad that you gave it your best and honest reply.
I feel the urge and challenge of working on finding my true self, yet i'm fearful of leaving familiar grounds and the past that I thought I made peace with for a new adventure that may prove to be totally different from the person that I loved and thought I was.
I have never thought abuse has a potential of traveling such a long mile. It basically ruins one entire life if it won't be dealt with early. Now I can't even imagen what it does to guys coz there's less justice and attention given to them in such cases. It is actually a 'joke' when a guy comes out and say that his being abused.
I know that i'm not making any sense right now. With more questions arising instead of finding answers
Thank you so much for reminding us about our heavenly Father's love, fore only His love can deliver and separate us from our past experiences that have shaped us who we are today.
Your reply is very personal and amazingly filled with wisdom and hope. You've just ministered to me while giving assignment. I'm surely gonna be viewing and reminding my self what you've share ever again for as long as i'm gonna be a member here.
May God shower you with heavenly blessing until your basket overflows!! :applause: :applause:
A lady partaking on this... Wow, You're most welcome dear!
"This is a wonderful conversation" I'm glad to hear that you funding this a fruitful subject. These are topics we'd rather not talk about for some reasons, yet we're searching and hoping for long term relationships with possible partners who might have gone through the above list of questions and ladies who have never experienced a fathers love. How on earth is she gonna embrace and nourish her partners love if and when she has never experienced parent affection? What will she even offer in the relationship as a girlfriend, fiancee or wife let alone as a mother? How will she pursue her gender calling of 'helping' the other part when she lacks herself? We can only give out of abundance not lack.
It grieves my spirit seeing such disorder in the body of Christ when the world is hoping and expecting answers from us. What are we gonna say when there's so much we need to deal with amongst our selves?
"Your questions relate to a response I gave to a friend over the weekend when I told him, 'Sometimes, it's not about passion. Sometimes it's about self- drive and viewing your life from a different lens compared to others in the same situation.' Many a times someone may succeed in something he or she hates, but it doesn't necessarily mean, this person is passionate about that subject, but because this person realizes that this is a characteristic of a road leading to success and a path through which he or she must succumb to before getting to the Top."
True that dear sis! We're not bringing these sensitive subjects that are so uncomfortable talking about only for the fun of it. Infect there's no fun talking about abuse but coz we may need to start by addressing and dealing with these issues in order to enjoy fruitful relationships keeping in mind the kids who are gonna come out being fruits of those relationships. What are we gonna feed them through behavior and upbringing if we have not dealt with these issues?
Relationships have their own ups and downs that we need to prepare ourselves for, won't it be too overwhelming and frustrating dealing with all at once? Not to mention challenges of parenting from two adults who missed their own experience due to the opening list of questions. That's when marriage is now referred to as 'frustration' not the blessing God has meant it to be.
"I think all the comments posted here are amazing as well." That you can say again sis! I'm grateful seeing how serious my brothers have taken and embraced this topic and giving it their best thoughts. They have so much to offer.
By taking solace we find peace. Jesus Christ, is our only hope.
Before God, set the earth in motion or commanded the stars to shine, before you were formed in the womb of your mother, He knew you. Knowing that God, knew our end before our beginning, and formed us at the time of His choosing, to serve His divine purpose should be the corner stone of our existence.
I don't know how far along you are in your walk with Christ, but further to my previous post, I would like to touch on acceptance and forgiveness.
In terms of acceptance we must never discount the fact that we live in a fallen world, which is ruled by the god of this world. Our God knew what would happen to us; to me, to you, to everyone that has ever been sinned against, or will be sinned against. We must all receive the knowledge of good and evil so we can make an informed choice. Sadly, we don't always acquire the knowledge of evil by seeking it out for ourselves. Sometimes evil visits us at a tender age. Perpetrated upon us by the hands of brute beasts, corrupted perverts and abusive liars.
All of us have spiritual enemies in high places. Too many �believers� would rather embrace a feel good religion and jettison the concept of evil from their thinking. That's not acceptance, it's denial. Choosing instead to believe a lie, because they have no love for the truth. They consider the truth to be unloving and confrontational. Sometimes confrontation can be the only caring course of action to take. Jesus confronted the liars and hypocrites, as will anyone who truly follows Him. And for the most part they won't be thanked for it.
If your "hypothetical boy child" were willing to accept the aforementioned, then the process of forgiveness and healing will bear fruit in a renewed constructive way of life.
When we believe that someone has wronged us, our fallen nature has an unquenchable thirst for revenge. Wanting blood! we become bitter and angry, needing to unleashe our pain, we will even hurt those who are closest to us. If we expect people in despair to be perfect amid their struggles, before they've developed a mature faith, then we will do more harm than good.
The price Jesus payed at Calvary is incomprehensible. It required a man of divine disposition to square a debt that He never owed. The cost of our own unconditional forgiveness is also great. And we must be given time to accept he cost. My own experience with victims of abuse taught me that people are generally willing to pay whatever it takes, but they need to be nurtured, allowing an opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth before they can be expected to forgive. Healing is a process, requiring much patience, as well as compassionate understanding of the issues that are at hand.
Those who do us harm, no matter what they do, cannot strip us of our free will. We can be broken and beaten, but we still have the opportunity to make a choice - be healed, or be angry and "live in bitterness of soul, never having enjoyed anything good." (Job 21:25) Forgiveness has nothing to do with how we feel. It is an act of our will, a choice we make.
There is also no requirement to dish out our own form of justice. "Vengenace is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." (Romans 12:19) Just because we choose to forgive an offence doesn't mean that God is going to give the perpetrator a pass. We will all be eternally judged, regardless of what we may believe.
Whilst reading your response, you brought the girl I privately mentioned to my remembrance. She was a �busy� person, always making a concerted effort to avoid reflecting on her past. She would keep herself from thinking and feeling, covering her pain with a thin veneer of happiness, studying, working, short-term relationships, and friends. But under her happy mask, she was a tormented soul. When I met her, she embarked on a journey of inner reflection. Three years of solitude, but it was a necessary journey. Eventually, she went the way that God put on her heart. She departed from me. Now she's married, having the child she always hoped for, but never believed she would have because of her fear of coming to harm through misplaced trust.
You may be able to identify with her old predicament? Or maybe, just maybe, you are a new creation in Christ? Missing ribs, helpers, desire for a husband, are these things not of the old Adam? Why would they apply to a new creature in Christ? They don't necessarily apply to me, hence I have no need for a wife, unless I want to father a child. Would I like a wife? sure, but what I would like and what I need aren't one and the same. Hard sayings maybe, but I can accept it.
Don't concern yourself with how others may perceive your choices. Those people haven't walked in your shoes. The only approval you need is found in a spiritual connection with God, through Christ Jesus.
Dear sister Sissygirl, I hope you are not a legal practitioner at all, because you always dig deep in questions and try to make me go down thinking and pondering upon them for some time.
I might not be able to give the perfect answers, but I will try as much to give some reasonable views, using my own experience.
You see, sister, the foremost answers to this challenge you listed here is FOUNDATION. Psalms 11 verse 3 says "If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?" I believe so many children are suffering because of the foundations their parents laid for them, hence they start having identity crises later in life.
When I say foundation, I mean the origin and journey of the union between a man and woman that birthed the child. In the African culture, which you and I belong to, a man that wants to marry a woman will first consult an oracle to know the future of the union with the woman, seek for spiritual guidance on what is to happen in the future and other things like that, and that is why you see values abound in those days than this time around. If this was to happen in the age of darkness, where idolatry was in vogue, why should it change in the age where the light of the gospel of Christ has permeated through many regions?
Since the foundation is terribly bad, the building has to be terrible too and that is why we believers need to seek the guidance of God in whatever we do, so as to get the foundation right.
Now, if the foundation is bad, should we condemn the building? No! What should we now do to make the building good? That is where the place of education comes in. Education exposes us to the things that we have not seen before and also reshapes our thinking in a gradual way.
Ever wondered why we had arts and crafts in the elementary school days? I believe it was, and is, being introduced so that we learn to value and appreciate beauty, value and design. In arts, any mistake is a design on its own, and that builds up the virtues of appreciation, respect for other, and make us discover strength lying within us. From these arts and crafts, we tend to start defining friendship and start nurturing the sense of building associates on the precepts of likes.
Despite the lack of fatherly role model, God, being a Perfect designer, nurtures such a child to walk close and see something in others that is absent in his own life, and makes him start desirous of that particular think, after having perceived absence of such in his. How it happens, I don't know, but I want to believe that the Creator Himself makes it happen.
From this exposure, the mother then comes in, to start as the father and mother at the same time, nurture the child and build him. African women tend to do this a lot, especially in those days; where they start seeing a husband and a father in their sons, building or nurturing a model of what how they want their husbands to be, in their sons (you know those husbands were not always available at home those days).
I want to believe that a fatherly figure is important in the life of a child (a male child for example now), but if the figure/model is missing but the mother is there, she can stand a both mother and father and the child won't suffer at all; but the problem now comes in when the mother is highly irresponsible. If the mother is found wanting, then the problem will become more escalated, and the only model the child has to pattern after is the society, which can be good or bad.
In my own case, my own mother stood as a mother and father to me because my father had to stay away in another city, due to work location. Leaving home for school was with my mama and coming back home was to meet her again; anytime my dad was around, I saw it as extra bargain and charge for me again, but I never worried much about it.
My own mother was responsible for my spiritual growth, same for my siblings too, but she left some certain areas for my father to do, due to the fact that African culture/society is conservative in nature.
I will still ponder on this more and more and give my insight, when I get illuminated the more.
I want to appreciate you for bringing out this kind of question because, I believe it will help some of us to reach out to those who didn't have the privilege we had and be a model to them, so as to make a man out of their boy.
I have arrived at this conversation very late in the day. I have read the fantastic replies that many have given to your poignant questions. I would like to add a slightly different slant in order to answer the questions you poised?
In today's culture societal norms are a shifting paradox where Christian values are being discarded as God is being removed from schools and governments and peoples homes and lives.
This shift is effecting the family unit and gender roles, instead of embracing our deference's the roles have become combined as the company slogan is if a man can do it so can a women and vice versa.
When in truth we were created equally in God's sight however we are meant to work together utilizing each others natural abilities.
We are living in a fallen world with its only hope residing in the Gospel. The truth that Jesus shared remains the key to our suffering and brokenness and the symptoms that this broken world creates. The key to restoration and new life begins and ends at the cross.
