A Police K-9 squad car was parked by a sidewalk at a mall with the K-9 dog in the back seat. When the Officer returned to his unit he saw a little boy about 5 years old standing on the sidewalk staring at the back window.
"Mr Please Man...is that a dog?" the young boy asked with a serious look on his face...he was almost frowning.
"Why, yes son...that is a dog" answered the officer.
The boys lips were squashed together and he paused for a moment...still staring at that window...then asked the officer "Are you taking him to the lease station?"
The police officer was writing some notes, but stopped briefly to answer "Yes...yes I am"
The little boy took in a deep breath through his nose...turned and looking up at the policeman with his pouting lips and squinting eyes said
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
I have greatly enjoyed all the wonderful jokes you guys have shared! I laughed so much it hurt :D I must admit that I copy and pasted some to facebook and other places so others may enjoy :D My favorites have to be the one about the dwarf [I'm 4'11" and half inches, so I get a kick out of anything related to short jokes] and the one about the child's version of the Bible :D Here are some random things I've picked up from other sites :D
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the walls.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
-Unknown
Random questions & comments:
If a mute swears, do you wash his hands with soap?
If a person with Multiple Personality Disorder [or Dissociative Identity Disorder to be official lol] threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Can you get cavities in your dentures from using too much artificial sweetener?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still 2?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
***Since I'm only 22, I am still quite naive about things of this world. I have not had as many years to experience life. However, a contraption called T.V. has taught me much that I never would have figured out on my own. Let me share with you my findings!***
~Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube: All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV~
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
The chief of police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
All single women have a cat.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. [This has always amazed me!]
Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. [Another thing that's always amazed me! Who knew enemies could be so polite? And you thought they were bad to the core! lol]
During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
***P.S. I sooo stole this from somewhere but had to share...Please note that I am not REALLY this naive :D***
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he�s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That�s not surprising," the elders say. "You�ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
A family from the hills visiting the big city, were in a mall for the first time in their lives. While the wife shopped, the father and son strolled around, taking in the new sights.
They were amazed by everything, especially the two shiny, silver walls that could slide apart, then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's 'at?'
The father, never having seen an elevator before responded, 'Boy, I got no idea'r'. 'I hain't never seen nothing like 'at in my whole life.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old, fat lady in a wheel chair rolled up to
the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. Then the walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small semi-circle of numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a drop-dead gorgeous, voluptuous, 24 year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde said quietly to his son..........
'Boy..................go fetch yo Momma.............
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at **Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet?" A mere child! Senior citizen? :shock:
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" :oops:
*I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. :oops:
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could
say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?"
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.. And no, I told the officer, "I'm not too old to be driving this fast."
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
