A Police K-9 squad car was parked by a sidewalk at a mall with the K-9 dog in the back seat. When the Officer returned to his unit he saw a little boy about 5 years old standing on the sidewalk staring at the back window.
"Mr Please Man...is that a dog?" the young boy asked with a serious look on his face...he was almost frowning.
"Why, yes son...that is a dog" answered the officer.
The boys lips were squashed together and he paused for a moment...still staring at that window...then asked the officer "Are you taking him to the lease station?"
The police officer was writing some notes, but stopped briefly to answer "Yes...yes I am"
The little boy took in a deep breath through his nose...turned and looking up at the policeman with his pouting lips and squinting eyes said
A few years ago, a few friends and I went to a college retreat and the group was small enough to all fit in one van. For fun, we made a sign that said "Smile if you're not wearing underwear!" and counted how many people smiled. We had a pretty high number, but we lost count after we passed this one guy. He saw the sign, threw his head back and started hysterically! He was so hard his shoulders were shaking! I had never seen anyone laugh that hard before! A few hours later, as we were arriving at retreat, we stopped at a red light and the same guy pulled up next to us!
I have 5 million jokes to tell, but I won't tell them all in one thread.
Q: What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
A: Wasabi!
An Ollie and Sven Joke:
Every year Ollie and his wife Olga set up their tent at the county fair. Across the field, they were giving helicopter rides for forty bucks. Olga asked Ollie if they could take a helicopter ride and Ollie said no, because "forty bucks is forty bucks". Every year Olga asked if they could take a helicopter ride, and every year Ollie said "forty bucks is forty bucks". One year the pilots overheard their conversation and they said, "We know that money can be tight, so we'll make you a deal. We'll give a ride in the helicopter for free if you keep quiet. But if we hear even a peep from you, you will have to pay the forty bucks." Ollie is a fair man, so he took up their offer. So they went up in the helicopter, the pilots went upside down and up and down all over the place, and Ollie didn't make a sound. They landed the helicopter and they said, "I am really surprised that you didn't make a sound. I thought you would have said something when Ollie fell out." To which Olga replied, "Oh, well, forty bucks is forty bucks!"
There are two sausages in a frying pan. One rolls over and says, "Man, it's hot in here!" The other replied, "Oh my word! A talking sausage!"
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.00. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new Mercedes.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and the officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee from the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes to the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns from her trip, repays the $5,000 loan and interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer said, "Miss, we appreciate your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. When you were away, we checked you out and discovered you are a multi-millionaire."
"What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies,"Where else in New York City would I be able to park a new Mercedes Benz for two weeks for only $15.41 and still expect it to be there when I return?"
Agnos..... girl, those are great! Yes, I need to priint all those out and keep them in the car with me! I needed to come here this morning.... Just what the doctor perscribed...
Dgr... you made me laugh.... poor cats! I can just see you doing that to them!
Katie...... funny. Thank you for playing with us!! :applause:
You all made my morninig!!! Have a blessed day today.
Thanks Arch... I am honored, but... as they are not mine - I found them all - I share the title with all of you.... :excited:
dgrimater... if I ever have a cat I will definitely try that... :goofball:
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This comes from a Christian elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!
* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
hysterically! He was