I can't speak for the guys, but for me it is a deal breaker.
I was dating a guy who had full custody of his children. He expected me to love an care for them, within his parameters. I could not find a way to live with a child, love the child, care for the child, and not mother that child in some way. He wanted me to be the child's best friend and leave all the child-rearing and discipline to him.
If he brings children into the family, great. However, we are a family. Yes, the children will still have their mother, but I will not be relegated to the place of a housekeeper who sleeps with the master of the house. Call me territorial if you will, but I have old fashioned beliefs. One of them is, it is MY house. What happens inside my home is my business. If there is a problem, it is my problem, etc.
That causes me to really wonder, how can a family survive with a partnership that is not really a partnership. Kids are simply amazing. The are so blessed smart (no sarcasm in that statement at all). They WILL play parents against each other just because that is what kids do. If the parents are not a united force, the family suffers. Even worse, the kids suffer.
All of this is from the perspective of the outside and what kids tell me as a teacher. As a teacher, all I can relate that to is team teaching where one teacher has power, only that one teacher maintains order and discipline. It is a complete recipe for disaster. The kids run all over the other teacher and if the head teacher is not there, chaos reins.
So, those are my opinions. Ready to duck for cover.
Yes, my kids have a dad, but they also need a dad. It's going to be a good man who can balance being their stepdad, who can be in their lives - and be part of their lives - but who can also allow their father to do the same.
I expect any man I marry to love my kids, too. To be a stepdad to them. It's not the same as a dad, but he will be the primary male in their lives. And it may well not happen until my kids are both grown and my primary role in their lives is still Mother, but no longer Parent.
My ex has had several men in our sons life. I don't like the idea of another man in my sons life PERIOD. BUT there is nothing I can do about that so if you going to be the man of the house step up and do your part in disapline. I would say the ones that refuse to displine make things harder for everyone.
There needs to be communication and hopefully you can see eye to eye on how to go about raising the child or at least have a mutual respect for each others style of displine.
This is a touchy subject. And one of the parent's is always going to get a little hurt.
My ex husband is not a good dad, never has been, and inst paying child support. My daughter needs a good male role model. Whenever I do get married, I would allow my husband to accept the role of Step dad. Yes you can never replace thier biological parents. But I see it as, the child is blessed to have more people that care about them. If a man wants to step up and be a good male role model for my daughter. Kudos to him. Her dad's not doing it.
On the flipside. I recently had a fight with my dad and brother. Over my brother wanting to spank my daughter. He said that he's the closest thing to her dad. I disagree totally. For one I do not believe in spanking. Especially with the male history in my family. My dad and brother have huge anger problems, and will spank out of anger. It's a power thing for them. Well sopposidly no one won the fight. My brother got so mad, he left and said he won't be in her life anymore.
Seriously thats dumb. I think the biggest thing that upset him was me telling him, he is not her father. Well duh. So now my daughter has soccer practice and I don't know who will take her. Hopefully my dad. I don't have a car. My dad and I share the car.
I agree with Elisa to a point. My ex-wife's husband spanks my son and it enrages me. For me, spanking should be the responsibility of ONLY the biological parents. No one else, ever. Other forms of discipline are open, but never that one. I think children respond better when it comes from a biological parent and come to resent the step-parent. However, in regard to everything else, I do agree with Elisa.
If she doesn't want me playing dad, then there's no future for us (at least until the kids have left home). What kind of role does she expect me to play whilst I'm there!? Been there, done that and it just causes trouble.
