I have never been married, though I long to be. I do, however, have an amazing, talented, beautiful teenage daughter. Over the years, I�ve had to work hard at being patient as I wait for God to fulfill my desire for a husband, but I have found it SO much more difficult coping with my daughter�s longing for a father. Her father has never really been in her life, though he�s had the opportunity.
There are times when she shows more hurt, anger, bitterness, etc. than others, but she�s told me that she typically just buries her pain and doesn�t express it though it is always there. Knowing how much she hurts nearly tears my heart in two.
For my fellow single moms, who deal with similar issues, here is something I wrote last year:
A Mother�s Pain
I�ve known the pain of heartbreak; the pain of loss; I�ve known the physical pains of burning oil on flesh, of a disc against the sciatic, shooting down my leg.
I�ve known the pain of disappointment, of disappointing others. I�ve known the pain of rejection by man, and by my own self. I�ve known the pain of childbirth. The most Worthwhile pain! But the greatest pain I�ve known thus far is the pain I feel when I see the pain in her eyes, hear the pain in her voice, in her words, when I feel the pain in her heart as I hold her crying in my arms.
I can�t fix it; I can�t solve it. I can�t stop her pain. I can�t be what she is longing for, crying for, dying for! I�ve tried and tried to fill that void, that hole, but I�m a square peg trying to fit in that round �daddy-sized� hole in her soul. She sought him out so he could fill it, to complete her, but years of separation and selfishness had built up. What should have been the perfect fit. . .No�just more pain.
I try to be wise and advise on how the only One who can complete her, Who can fill that hole in her life has always been here, never left her, will never leave her! But the enemy spotted that hole and began to fill, seeking to destroy and kill, began to infiltrate with anger, bitterness, hate. These things won�t satisfy but still he schemes to fill the hole, to kill her dreams, to make her die inside.
Lord, dig it all out and fill the hole with your love, your hope. I won�t try to fill it anymore, cause when I do, I just get in the way, Lord! Help her please! I�m on my knees. Stop this pain. Hear this mother�s cry. Don�t let my baby�s hope and joy die!
That's a rough one. i'm actualy at a loss for words. I guess you just need to put it all into perspective.
God is greater then all that. But not beyond it. You need to learn to couch yourself in his arms and let what is, just be. and trust. We beat our heads against the wall of life and wonder why nothing changes. Why the people around us crumble, stumble, and fall, and fail. Darlin, the end for us, is heavenly, with an awesome, amazing, loving God.
If your daughter is His, he won't loose her, niether will you.
You know the ol' peter quote, cast your cares upon him because he cares for you. Well, really. It's true, and perfect truth. But it's an activity that runs at odds with our typical way of life.
Just trust, love, really, deeply, in Jesus. That mother's pain won't dissapear, but it will fade into him. Look unto jesus, darlin, and believe.
Faith in Jesus isnt just for salvation, it's for every aspect of life. The life you are living, and the life your daughter has to live.
Rest, and find sabbath, in christ. and smile. it only gets better.
Thanks for your encouragement, Alex. I know I can do nothing but give it all to Him, rest in Him and trust in Him. God said He would be a father to the fatherless, and I'm learning to step back and let Him do just that. Even if I were to finally get married, I want my daughter to first and foremost know God as her Father, her Daddy, but I do still pray that she will know the love of a godly father here on earth.
I know this pain to well. My ex spends time with one of his sons. My daughter has tried but each time he does something hurtful... She is 15 I can't find a dad for her. I pray she finds confort in her aba father
I am sorry your daughter feels the loss of her dad so deeply. I know how tough it is to be a single parent and to want a wonderful male role model in your child's life.
My son does not remember his father; my husband killed himself 6 years ago, when my son was only 14 months old. I have not figured out what I will tell my son when he starts asking me about his dad.
I try to have good men in my son's life (his grandfather, his uncles), but everyone leads busy lives and it is not always possible to get together. My son is surrouned by women most of the day. I hope that there will be more opportunitities for my son to learn from good Christian men what it is to be a good man.
When my oldest son was 6, his mother had a child with another man. We had been separated for 6 years at the time. After her child was born, she struggled for a year to care for him by herself before dropping him off with me. We didn�t see her again for over a year. Since that time she has come and gone many times in the boys lives, but it has been very difficult for them to see and understand. It was especially difficult for my oldest son.
Like you described in your poem, we are often unable to fill the void or hole left by an absent parent. But as parents, we are able to creatively bring our children into contact with the experiences and journeys of others like them who have overcome their circumstances by the grace of God and gone on to live extraordinary lives in Christ.
For me those experiences have come in the form of literature, research and real life situations, which I have tried to place my children in. My son has studied the life of different missionaries including Elizabeth Elliot whose husband was killed by the Indians she and her daughter later lived with, and whom she brought to know Christ.
Like your daughter, Elizabeth Elliot�s daughter grew up without a father, because her dad had been taken by this world. In a way, your daughter�s dad has also been taken by this world.
We made friends with the Sudanese refugees here in AZ, who traveled over 1000 miles on foot through Africa after loosing their homes and families. My son has listened to their stories and examined the scars left on their bodies by the same bullets that took the lives of their parents. My son and I listened as they explained to us both that we too had scars. And that that is why we had come to them.
It was the Life of Christ through these people and their stories that began to wash over the holes you described in my children. The same holes that exist in you and I. It was in the midst of these Sudanese boys, missionaries and the homeless that my son began to find himself. That we began to find ourselves. We had found Christ where He has always been. Amongst the broken. It was here that my son let go of his mother. And the more he let go, the more his hurt turned to understanding, compassion and forgiveness. After 2 years of writing his mother (my son who is now 12), his mother agreed last week to begin to go to church with him for the first time since he was born.
My son is currently praying for creative ways that he can bring his mother into contact with the experiences and journeys of others like herself.
My son explained to me that he believes she has scars.
He has recently chosen a book to read with her called �They Poured Fire on Us From the Sky�. It is the true story of 3 Sudanese boys who were forced to flee their homes when their families and people were destroyed. He realizes what he wants to do may not work right away or maybe not at all. But he wants his mother to have the same opportunity that God has given him and he says that he will do what he can by faith.
Our children are on a journey. We are only here to equip them as best we can.
Mydreamtime33, what a beautiful encouraging post! I pray your son and his mother are able to share that book on day by the grace of God.
Though I am not a parent, I am a child of an absent father as you all have been talking about here. Folks, God is in the healing and restoration business. And the work He does in each one of us as our story unfolds is a masterpiece to be used for His glory.
Thank you all for your encouragement! I pray that all of our children seek first their Abba Father, and His healing and restoration will wash over every scar!
�For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD ...� Jeremiah 30:17
Hello... I may be reading this a bit late... , but I just started looking at the forums...
Honestly... My six year old has already asked me... "mom don't you want a husband?" I think he wants me to have a husband more than he wants a father.
It helps that I still live with my parents and he has a "father figure" in the house (i guess) .
Although I love my dad, I grew up not feeling him as a real father figure... I had to learn to seek God on this. I still find myself praying at times and calling God ... daddy.... papi... I ask him to embrace me tight like my earthly father NEVER has. it's hard to change that now.... the bible does say " you reap what you sowe" and I can't find myself to be attached to my dad as I ought to be.
Your doughter needs to find that fatherly love in God more than any man...
I am not perfect and I lack guidance in many areas, but God has always been the one I run to. He has been my father, my best friend, my counselor even though I don't always listen, but like a father... he corrects me.
When I felld down or hurting I like to listen to that song from Mercyme "keep singing" that part that says... "can I climb up in your lap, i don't want to leave.... Jesus sing over me...." I love it!!!!!! I picture myself on his lap like a father holds his little girl and sings to her.
You know, katie, I've been thinking about this. (Oh and sorry I didn't answer the phone the other night, I was on the line in the middle of something heavy)
I'd love to bury this in christianese, but to be honest with you, and I have thought about this alot since I read what you wrote, Don't take too passive of a role in this. Christians have a tendancy of the whole (*et go Let god thing* I never agreed with that.
God has given us DOMINION and the power of prayer, over those who come into and through our lives. We have the priveledge of interacting with others and the responsability to use our authority (through christ) to pray for them and to reach into thier lives.
Now I am not a passive guy, at all, ever, about anything. you know that. But some of us are, and I respect that, but our ROLES as christians, and especially as parents, are NOT EVER passive. We have to be in it to win it. And God will flat out back us up in this, theres no doubt in my mind of this.
If you need practical ideas and solutions for things you are dealing with, you can always call me, you know I used to be a youth pastor, (very few know that about me, lol) and God has blessed me with alot of experience dealing with troubled kid/parent relationships. That's the modest way of saying I know what the heck im talking about lol. been there, done that.
Just let me know if you need anything. you know where to find me.
You're right, Alex. I have to do my part so God can do His. I've been feeling more of a need to just get on my face in God's presence about this. I'm afraid I have gotten passive at times, especially when she "seems" okay with it (but she's reallly just buryin her hurt). Time to wage war!:boxing:
