So here I am. I have two little kids that I adore, they are 2 and 4. I don't know how big this website is or how many of us read all these posts or have seen my profile, so I can't assume anyone is familliar with my case.
The woman I married (who i thought was a believer at the time) and lived with for the last 8 years left me some time ago (again) to live with another guy quite a distance from our home. There is nothing written in stone custody wise yet, so we have been trading the kids back and forth. At first, and this began intially with this particular guy, in early febuary (my wife has been like a yoyo, up and down, back and forth) she was very subservient to what my demands were. Now 4 months later, after living with this guy - who just settled his second divorce a few weeks ago - she has changed her story from this:
*Alex you are the greatest husband a woman could want, I just cant live up to the kind of love you expect from me. I am ashamed of myself for not being able to love you as much as you love me, you are an awesome dad and basically everyone woman is in love with the idea of who you are.*
And believe me, I really am all that. I own and run a large successful business, paid for a beautiful home for us, and am more active in my kids lives then most dad's dream of being. I have my faults, but nothing, AT ALL that would give her the justification of leaving this marriage. I have never raised a hand to her, and only raised my voice once to her - to call her out on her adulterous lies. Anyone who knows me, knows us, will tell you I was an outstanding husband and family man hands down. She would have told you that herself months ago.
Now tonight, with HIM squacking in the back ground about how she and I are being *childish* and how we need to *get over our sh&^* she is telling me that if I had been a better husband and had done this and that and whatnot.... wow.
It is absolutely amazing how time and company can cloud your memories.
See, this last weekend (not this one, the one before) I was supposed to pick up the kids on friday, and I was going to call her on the cell phone that I PAYED FOR because he will not let her use HIS PHONE so she can talk to HER CHILDREN or to ME, but she never picked up the phone. I called all weekend, I called her phone, his phone, her freinds phone, no one would answer. This is the same woman who up and left me out of the blue last september with the kids and tried to move to ohio and file for custody there. and she got yanked back by the cops.
My life has turned into the jerry springer show. And I am sooooo above that, its not even funny. I am the guy you sit with out in the back 40 and talk about life and love and living till the skeeters run us indoors. Always a good word for the neighbor, the teller at the store, the lady at the post office.
Now I have to deal with these two knuckle heads who have thier heads so far up the wrong end that they can see twice.
My buddy Jarrod says, Alex, I am suprised you havent just kicked the crud outa him yet. ooo it would be sooo easy. But I always take the high road, i like the view from the top. down at the bottom you are always whiping dirt outa your eyes.
So How do i deal with this guys? My kids are really hurting. they dont like thier mom (I have 3 older kids too, who they need to be with) and they really do not like this guy shes with, her own family doesnt like him. I dont like him, I have been face to face with him on several occasions. (they have no shame)
He met her on myspace and I observed their conversations over several months while he whisked her off her feet and into his arms. Good riddance, shes a pagan anyway, and not a good wife, and impossible to deal with.
The guy part of me wants to just club him to a pulp. sick my lawyers on her, get my kids and call it a day. but it's just not going to be that easy. I need alot of prayer and alot of freinds to bounce junk off of. Blast it all, this kinda stuff is only supposed to happen on TV.
I am not a single parent, but I got your back in prayer my brother. I trust that God will bring you justice in all of this. And I pray His peace over you and your children and every blessing too.
Ditto what Lydia said Alex. While I dated a single mom of three kids once (only serious relationship I ever had), and I have a *vague* idea of what you're dealing with, I'm not going to try to give advice - I will pray that the Lord gives you advice.
He knows best.
In the meantime - hey, thanks for sharing and keep on sharing.
Alright, Alex - I know I can be straight forward with you and I know that's the way you like to do things.
First of all, you said that you could "sic your lawyer after them, get the kids and call it a day." I think that might be a good idea. Why are you allowing your kids to be with her when she is living with a guy out of marriage? She's an adult, you're an adult, the other guy is an adult....but then there are the kids. "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are older, they will not depart from it." What are they learning here? You need to get your kids, get them away from this "relationship" your X is now in, and teach them how to grow into adults that don't commit adultery.
Secondly, don't beat the stuffing out of him. I think you already know this one, but just giving you confirmation. Also, don't talk bad about your X in front of the kids. (You probably already know this one, too). I would really suggest getting in touch with a Christian counselor to find out how to properly explain what's going on to a four year old.
Thirdly - why are you paying for her phone? She doesn't have a job? Drop her phone, buy her a pre-paid cell phone, and put $20 on it each time you "trade" the kids so you can get in touch with them or her. Any other time she needs a phone is up to her and the new guy.
Lastly, start taking notes - I mean, IMMEDIATELY. Write down times and dates you try to call for the kids and can't contact her, conversations on the phone, things the kids say about anything that happens while they're in her custody - I mean, start a complete documentary entitled "My Dealings with the X." This will be priceless if or when it goes to court.
I'm praying for you --- (and I hope you don't think I was yelling at you - this was in love, not in irritation!! I don't like to see kids get hurt.)
Well, I actually am doing all that, and i bought her the prepaid phone, but she uses up the minutes talking to her freinds and family in a few days instead of to me and the kids because he wont let her use his phone to talk to her family, and he wont pay for replacement minutes for the phone i bought.
And I have a notebook next to my desk where I write everything down. good and bad. it's just the anger it causes, the feeling of being so powerless. And it takes alot of money to fight this kind of thing with laywers. I started to do that and I ran up a 5k bill in no time. and she got the court to make me pay for a laywer for her if i was paying for one so i had to drop it.
the people who do care, like you, cant do much to help, and the people who are in a position to help dont care, because I am just another face in the crowd with another messed up case like the 100 people standing in line with me.
I am the kind of person who doesnt let anything stop me. If someone on my truck breaks, i tear the son of a gun apart and get dirty and yell at it till I get it fixed. If my plumbing goes goofy I tear the wall apart and fix what needs to be fixed or ai have freind who will help me do it, or tell me how.
this is the most important thing in my life, my kids, and I can't do anything except listen to a couple of people who dont know thier but from a beehive tear me down. It's like a couple of bullies standing on top of the pile of rocks yelling down at me throwing rocks and I know I could physically run up there and knock them out, but its not the right way to handle it. I just wont do the wrong thing, because once you do, theres no taking it back and its easier to do it again the next time.
Well I can relate to this situation.........although I have full-custody my kids still see they're dad for a few hours every few weeks. For the past two years there has been woman-after-woman introduced into my children's lives as I have had to watch this (I have a 4 & 5 year old). It was bad enough our marriage ended because of his unfaithfulness...but then to still watch him continue the same patterns but with my children being drug into it. Eventually now, he has remarried....a female-version of himself.
It's hard to deal with it, you just wanna do something to express your anger towards the situation....it's your kids, and you can't control it. I have to hold my tongue so often...my family and friends wonder how I do it. The truth is, I could not do it without God. For the kids sake...you need to be the "good" parent...the one they can look up to as they're example...it's such a difficult position to be put into.
You are no longer her "provider" or husband, she choose to leave the title and you should no longer have to be paying or providing her with any help finically, although I think you may have said that you are no longer doing this.
I will say....in the end, if she continues to live a life displeasing to God...unfortunately her life will go downhill, as it seems to already have. I've watched this continue to happen to my ex for years....they may want everyone to know they are"happy" or try to play it off, but inside they are suffering and with God's help....you will be able to see right through that :)
wow Alex! It may not help, but I have heard it from a lot of single parent men I have talked to . It probably doesnt help , but i will pray for you and you are not alone.
