...as a single custodial dad that I may bring a woman into our lives that has no experience as a mother, ot limited experience. I wonder if anyone will share some wise advice or rescources, so that I too may become wise :)
Hi Rabbit, first of all I love your family photo...well as far as advice goes I can honestly say I didn't really know what I was doing unti I became a mom and then it has been trial and error...best advice I can give is to ask God to lead you to a good Christian woman who will be a good mom to your children and a good wife to you!!
I am a single custodial father as well and my children are with me all the time.
To bring a woman into the home is to make that woman a mother. If you are not wanting that then it is a mistake to do it in the first place. (in my humble opinion)
We must remember that we all started "new" and had to learn from trial and error. The best you can do is find a woman you know you can trust to have good judgment and
be sure that you are strong in your relationship.
Any relationship with a woman will effect your children. So it is best to be sure the woman is right for your family.
the only advice I can offer is to not automatically discredit a women who doesn't have children as not having any experience with children in a "mom-like" environment.
While I do not have any biological children of my own, prior to buying my house when I lived in an apartment complex I was considered to be the "community mom" which basically means I was the unpaid babysitter/ second mom / confidant / friend / playmate (in a good sense) / so many other things to all of the children of the apartment complex. and I loved every minute of it. I was the one who fed them after school snacks (boy did they all love and beg for my pb and chocolate chip cookies) and watched over them till their parents got home from work. If something ever happened and the kids needed someone to talk to they would always run things by me and ask my help or advice. The kids all ranged in ages from 5 up to 12.
Those times I truly miss now that I live where there are NO kids around... So, that said... See what interaction the childless potential person has had with other's children be it nieces and nephews, co-workers, neighborhood children, ect. Often how they interact with other children will give you a clue as to whether they would easily transition into a step-family situation or not.
Also, I don't know about your area but would be nice to check into, there is a support group where I live called "Steps" which is all about integrating step-families and giving those who are step-mom or step-dad or step-child not only support of talking with others going through the same transitioning but also offers advice for easing into a step-parent role and what to expect from children of various ages in context to having a new "step" parent in the house. If there is such a program around you they are excellent resources to benefit from.
I�ve been there before and all I can share is that, it is really a great risk to take. I was not a risk taker myself especially when it involves another, that of my children�s. I cannot be all positive considering there are cases of abused little girls in the home and so I end up single parent all these years.
It is still your choice to bring someone into there lives and be open and prepared it may not turn out great especially if the other party has other expectation and brings in conditional love into your home. You never know and maybe she never know also what to expect until she lives with you all. I think if I were you, (haha just like I did), if you can do it, consider remarrying when they get older. Fatherhood is great responsibility, your children�s welfare is top priority. God bless you!:prayingf::prayingf::prayingf:
The Lord is wonderful, He knows how to work things for you. Just remember the hand on your shoulder is His.
I believe the woman you would attract would have that motherly-ness [-if thats a word haha] within her. Some women really have a lovely nurturing spirit and love kids. Thats all the starting blocks they need.
You dont have new borns so thats no problem.
Obviously you would be unwise to consider a relationship with anyone who didnt like kids.
If you're like me then your childrens feelings are important to you- well, being a single dad that goes without saying... and you now are their carer and protection. It is important that the woman you would meet has a welcoming spirit towards your children then nature could take its course.
I believe that every woman has maternal instinct. What is important is that you will be able to find a woman who will love your kids as her own. I am sure her maternal instincts even if she never had kids before will come out because of love(^_^) Then you can just be her helpmate since you know your kids more than she does(^_~)
I would disagree that one should take it for granted that every woman has maternal instinct that will kick in. There are plenty of Christian women as well as men that come with baggage, and would not make a good parental match.... parenting style, or history or abusiveness.... both men and women.
I recall when my marriage died, the preacher that was trying to help out with parenting orders and all was completely shocked that my wasband signed over all rights and custody and even tried to say he'd just see the little darling when he is was in the neighborhood or had time, lol. That preacher however, was also the one that said that 90% of step fathers will sexually abuse your children in remarriage. Don't know if that is accurate or not, although as a volunteer facilitator of the Darkness to Light Stewards of Children program, the statistic that 95% of child sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator, and that 1 in 3 girls, and 1 in 6 boys will be violated by the time they are 18 are significant enough to warrant concern.
I would suggest reading books, finding a Darkness to Light Program in your area to take, and do not introduce your potentials to your children at all until you are sure and serious that the relationship is going toward commitment!
I know I made the decision that I would sublime myself to my kids for atleast 5 years... as much of what I read said it takes 2 to 5 years to adjust to the loss of the first marriage, and then another 2 to 5 years to adjust when remarriage occurs with kids, etc. In all honesty, I too struggle with whether all the energy, emotion, time, and risk of getting to know another intimately, faults included is worth it... thus the decision not to for some time. However, that being said... it has been 4 years.... and I could see the possiblility now in the next 5 years. However, anyone that comes in my life will know that they will be screened, scurtinized, and we are trained, and my kids are as well, so that hopefully any form of abuse will be recognized, and dealt with according to the laws of the land.
I too have thought on here that unless someone is over 40 and had kids, they are not going to be of the maturity level I would look for... but don't know about the accuracy and rightness of that either, tee hee.
Don't mean to be too serious, but truly being non-chalent in this area is never warranted. Be cautious. Be intimate with the Lord. Enjoy yourself and your kids, and get strong on your own to where an addition down the road would really just be a complimentary supportive thing not a completion dependent thing?
@Soultrees I apreciate your advise, and I am as careful as possible when it comes to my cubbies, however I must respectfully disagree in love and this is why.
As a single family we are fragmented, and so how can we be fully capable of producing Godly children as good as a couple in a union?
The need for a mom and dad from the children is great, prolonged absence can casue serious damge to them both now and in year to come
I recognize that I am only gifted at being a dad, as you are only adequite in your anointing as a mom (and I bet your a good mom). a godly mom and dad form boudries and balance each other out, in many aspects.
Its god to be protective, but dont you think you might throw out the baby with the bath water if you over do it?
I totally agree with your points as well. Interestingly, in the first year on our own, my kids were already asking when I might meet someone. Although they are now content knowing that mommy is content being married to Jesus, I am at times finally feeling the desire for a partner in parenting, while rebuking the fears, and trusting HIM and our timing. That being said.... for humor sake... my kids have said he needs to like bmxing, and maybe be a christian celebrity, lol.... today I joked with them when my home computer died and is out of commission currently that if mommy ever meets someone seriously for marriage maybe he should know about computers, tee hee.
