Author	Thread: How to help a friend???
stormcountry33 View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 10:35 AM I need some advice on how to help a friend. I have a friend who is like a brother and his mom is like a mom to me. His mom I'll call Jean has been married to "bob" for roughly 17 years. Bob is not the biological father of Jean's son "Bill" who is 21. Bob and Bill have never had a good father-son relationship and to tell the truth. Bob has felt like Bill has attempted to take over his household. Bill doesn't see it and doesn't understand why Bob has all this resentment. This last week, there was a big fight between bob and bill and now bill is not taking his family over to visit jean becasue of bob and the fact that he got a little physical. Nothing major! jean's health is not good and she suffers a lot of physical pain and therefore it is difficult for her to get out and about. She lives to be a grandma and now she feels her grandchild slipping away because of this situation. bill has told her "it is either bob or me". she can't afford to leave bob and a part of her still loves bob but wishes he would change certain aspects of who he is. However she also wishes that bill would see or at least try to understand bob's thoughts and where the resentment comes from. I'm supposed to go talk to bill sunday and I don't want to disrupt our friendship but at the same time I can see the pain this is causing jean. everytime she tries to talk to bill about it she cries and he refuses to talk to her. What can I say to him to help him see what this is doing to his mom. she has already had another grandchild taken from her because of another bad realtionship between her step daughter and bob. she swears she can't loose another one. she's not suicidal but it is definitely killing her. What can i do? Post Reply
bcpianogal View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 11:33 AM Perhaps your friend can take his family to see his mother without the stepfather around. That could be the condition of the visit: no Bob. Either Bob leaves the house between the hours of x and x, or your friend picks up his mother and they go to a park or restaurant to have some time with the family. Or maybe they even go back to your friend's house. Just as long as there is no Bob. Your friend's argument is not with his mother, so she should not be penalized for her husband's actions. Neither should your friend try to get his mother to leave her husband permanently (unless he is abusive toward her). Point out that it's not only his mother that this is hurting, the grandkids are being hurt as well by not being able to see and get to know their grandmother who loves them very much. Good luck. Post Reply
View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 08:20 PM I agree w/ pianogal's advice and will pray for the family. Post Reply
InHisHonor View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 09:57 PM Sorry but I want to interject into another forum that I shouldn't be in but I have to disagree with the ladies. First of all is Bill a Christian? If he is then he should know that God holds a marriage covenant to a high degree. Bill should not be trying to go around Bob by removing his wife and creating a wedge in Bob's marriage. Bill is making himself the head of Bob's household and he is going against God. Apparently Bill doesn't really care about his ailing mother by creating a wedge between her and her husband. Bill needs to grow up and show his mother the respect she deserves. He should also show Bob some respect simply because he is his mother's husband. Does he have to like him? Not really, but as a Christian (if he is one) he must still show the love of Christ toward him. Is Bill really that proud and self righteous that he must try to create disunity in another man's home? Ask Bill what he would do if a son did to him what he is doing to his mother. Post Reply
View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 10:15 PM I can't believe you would disagree w/ me!! I was just SO shocked to read this... so, so very shocked! :ROFL: Post Reply
InHisHonor View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 11:32 PM Jus deal wid it woman!!:nahnah: :ROFL: Post Reply
View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 11:38 PM What AM I going to do w/ you? :winksmile: Post Reply
InHisHonor View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 11:43 PM Stay focused Lixy we are talking about whycome Bill is creating wedges :angeldevil: Post Reply
bcpianogal View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 10 Jun, 2010 07:31 AM I wasn't at all suggesting that Bill try to remove his mother from her marriage to Bob...just the opposite. But if Bill and Bob can't get along at all, or if Bill is afraid to have his children around Bob, the only other option I can think of is to try to let his children see their grandmother without Bob being around at the moment. I'll share something from my own personal experience. When I was very young, my grandfather died. My grandmother started dating her neighbor who was several years (maybe 10) years younger than she. They never married, but for a long time, my parents were very concerned about the situation. They did not like this man, he was not a Christian, and they felt that no good could come of their daughters being around him while we were at my grandmother's house. So they simply asked my grandmother to make sure that this man did not come over while we were there. She didn't like the request, but she did honor my parents' wishes. (If they had gotten married, I'm not sure how the situation would have been handled.) Post Reply
InHisHonor View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 10 Jun, 2010 08:44 PM BC I would agree with you if there is something actually amiss with Bob. If Bob is one of those creepy type of people then yes it would be a good idea to keep the little ones away. SC didn't mention anything of the sort but did say that Bob felt that Bill was trying to take headship of his household. If this is in fact the case then it is Bill that has issues and he is the problem not Bob. Post Reply
stormcountry33 View Profile History	How to help a friend??? Posted : 11 Jun, 2010 07:06 AM I feel like maybe I left something out. From the time that I've known Bob, it seems that Bob has always felt that Bill was "interfering" in his marriage. even from the time Bill was just a toddler. I think that Bob "put up" with Bill hoping one day when he grew up that he'd leave. Which he did but he still comes around because of his strong relationship with his mother. Bill, Jean, and Bob all claim to be Christian but from what I've seen Jean's relationship with God is the strongest, followed by Bill's. And Bob's appears to not exist. I don't want to sound judgemental but that's just what I've witnessed. It's like Bob has a lot of resentment toward Bill because he's never been able to have his wife all to himself because she had Bill when they got together,which don't make sense because he had a duaghter when they got together but she's let the picture. And Bill has resentment toward Bob because he has felt Bob's resentment growing up from the time of a very young age. I don't want to say something that hurts my friendship with either Bill or Jean. I just know that something needs to be done. Post Reply

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