Author	Thread: Saving yourself for marriage.
Admin	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 01:25 PM I was wondering if anyone else out there has been "called out" for it. I have had over 10 guys message me saying that saving myself is respectful and that they are interested in me a lot, but they get discouraged when they see i'm a virgin and they are not. I just don't know how to reply...help! haha Post Reply
bcpianogal View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 01:43 PM I am saving myself for marriage, but I'm taking a step farther and really hoping to find a guy who has saved himself for marriage. It's that part that I get "called out" on. No one minds that I'm still a virgin, but they expect me to just happily go along with the fact that they are not. I get messages that are downright ugly and hateful, because the guy thinks I'm being too picky or stuck-up about it. There's even a whole topic on this forum devoted to telling me just how wrong I am. You can read it here: http://www.christiandatingforfree.com/forum/forum_details.php?topic_id=6731&forum_sub_cat_id=9&start=0 Post Reply
View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 02:00 PM Oh my...wow that was a very heated topic on there, I am sorry. I will say you have a right to what you want and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less than what you expect, but what you expect may not be what God has in store for you. Either way God has that man out there for you virgin or not he will be EVERYTHING you ever wanted! Post Reply
bcpianogal View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 03:00 PM You are right...what God has for me may not be what I want or expect, but I can still hope! Post Reply
NicoleMarieG View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 03:15 PM See, I guess I'm sort of on a different side of the discussion. I am not a virgin. When I was 14, I lost my virginity to my 18 year old boyfriend. We had sex twice. And I knew I wasn't ready. But I wanted to fit in. I wanted someone to want me. And I was stupid. I don't need anyone to tell me that what I did was wrong. Because I know it. Then when I was 21, I had sex out of wedlock again. And I knew I wasn't ready. And that the situation...wasn't right. I felt terrible. Not because of the sin itself. That wasn't even going through my mind. It was because I knew in my heart that this person was not my forever. They weren't the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I connect so much emotion to anything physical. A kiss is not just a kiss. And, because of that, I haven't kissed a lot of people. This past year I really started going to Meeting more. And I asked God for help and guidance. And it was with His help that I came to the conclusion to wait until marriage. That I wouldn't participate in sex again until I was married. I asked for forgiveness. And with my connection to God, I found comfort. I do not feel guilty for my actions. I don't carry that guilt and self loathing anymore. The problem now is that, because I had sex in the past and I am no longer a virgin, men expect me to "put out". They have this idea that I am not allowed to wait for marriage. That saying I am is hypocritical. That I have no right to wait because I already gave it away. And that makes me feel incredibly sad and small and hurt. But I hear it all the time so I'm starting to wonder if that is what everyone thinks. :-/ Nicole Post Reply
View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 06:25 PM @Monica- I too have saved myself for marriage. I was molested throughout my childhood and raped as an adult, but have never given myself away to anyone. God's design for is to wait and we are right to hold sacred that which He holds sacred. As far as what to say to these guys, that depends. If the fact that they're not virgins is a dealbreaker for you, then you need be honest. Gentle, but straightforward. If you're interested in pursuing things with one of these guys, then perhaps some reassurance would be appropriate... But it would merit a conversation about where he's at with his purity. You'd want to ask him if it was just a one-time mistake or if he has sex with every girlfriend because he totally lacks in self-control. I've talked to guys who say they won't have sex again until they're married, but then they admit to have sex w/ everyone they've dated are unable to give me any kind of reassurance that there's truly been any repentance there. You want to make very sure that there's been a heart change there an that he is committed to remaining pure and that he has some kind of accountability system to help him not fall again in that area. @Nicole- I would say that those guys don't understand the concept of repentance. When we repent of our sins, we are turning our back on them and walking in a different path. A guy who tries to get you to stray off that path and sin w/ him is not worth you time and you need to break it off. RE: whether or not to expect our future husbands to be virgins if we've saved ourselves I think this is a very personal thing. I used to require that a man be a virgin. But after a lot of prayer about my criteria, God really laid it on my heart to be a little more open. But I don't think that means that He intends for everyone to do that. If we look at what marriage is, we understand that that one of it's main purposes is to glorify God. And a big part of that is ministry together as a couple... which can be something really simple or very complex. I think that depending upon the ministry that God calls a couple to, it requires different life experiences. We all go through different situations, and those things prepare us for the next season of life. What things a guy may have needed to experience to minister alongside me are going to be very different from what a guy needs to minister alongside someone else. So, I think the really important thing here is that we bring our criteria before the Lord and consider men as we feel led to. God does change hearts and we should be open to that. But that doesn't mean that we should just toss our criteria out the window because someone else feels called to alter their criteria. An example of that in my own life is having children. If you'd asked me 5 years ago if I could be content w/ not having biological children, I would have told you "no." But then God really gave me a burden for orphans and this really strong desire to adopt. And as that longing has grown, I've realized that I don't need to have biological children to be content and that I could definitely be okay with becoming a mother through adoption. And shortly after God placed that in my heart, my health went psycho and I was warned to never get pregnant... And it's seeming like less of a possibility that I'd be able to actually carry a baby to term. But does that mean that everyone should adopt and not try to have biological children? No! It just means that I believe that God has given me the desires to walk down a path that I wouldn't have chosen otherwise. And that's not the path he has for every woman out there. Post Reply
bcpianogal View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 08:05 PM Wise words, Pixy. Post Reply
Tulip89 View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 09:20 PM I can't speak for all the guys, since I haven't seen the actual messages, but I could imagine several of them have been treated like second class Christians before because of having sex before they became a Christian and are worried that you being a virgin, and them not, is something that you'll hold over their heads constantly. Post Reply
cowgirl1984 View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 7 Oct, 2010 09:51 PM To add to what pixy and tulip said, it's almost if you look at it on a "number" scale. Basically, assign a number based on the amount of baggage you have. Then generally, someone within one or maybe two numbers of you is going to be easier to relate to on a romantic level. I posted something more detailed and with better wording in another forum, but basically, while there are ALWAYS exceptions, it puts more strain on the relationship if you don't have equal baggage. So for any of you who are looking for virgins, do NOT be discouraged or hurt when someone gives you a hard time about it. But if it's important to you, you are not wrong to want that. It's not being picky or judgmental. It makes sense. But pixy made a very good point that God may desire to change your heart. If you keep your focus completely on whether he is a virgin, you might miss someone great just because they're not. It's ALL about keeping your focus on God. And along the lines of taking your criteria to God and praying about it, maybe sit down with God and make a top 5 or top 10 most important things list together with Him :) After all, I trust His criteria more than my own :) Post Reply
kingliness View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 9 Oct, 2010 10:51 PM I'm not a virgin myself.. so I understand the heart decision that comes from a guy, giving up that part of his life to God.. not an easy thing, but God is able to do it. Personally, if a girl wasn't interested in me because I didn't wait.. I would understand and be okay with it.. if God is calling her to being with a guy who has been pure in that way since birth, more power to her.. I don't seek women, but the approval of God and He will do all other things. That's my outlook on it. I think it's great that women have waited for marriage.. that's going to make their marriage a lot stronger I believe. I think we have to be slightly careful to think that a virgin is better than a girl who had sex, and God called her back to virginity.. both are special to God and both should be special to us. Always be humble because even though we may not have certain sins, we all do have sin.. and we all need the Grace of God daily to follow Him. God bless you all and I pray that the Lord keeps you on His path and He blesses you with the desires of your heart. Chris Post Reply
rainbowian View Profile History	Saving yourself for marriage. Posted : 10 Oct, 2010 06:34 PM I don't feel that it's right for someone to be upset about this. It was his choice not to wait for marriage. It's not like you're ruling somebody out for something that they have no control over, such as not being tall enough. I feel that the best thing is to say that you're sure he's a good person but isn't the right fit and then wish him well in his search. The worst thing to do is to ignore them. Post Reply

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