I just wanted to share with you some of my thoughts on the single life. It is a little long but I hope that you find it insightful.
~Complet In Christ~
We often think of the single person as one would think of a single sock, a single shoe, or a single earring. I say this because we think of the single person without a partner as someone who is not complete, that something is missing from their lives. Without that partner, the assumption of many is that one is left not ever being whole. This is something that we as singles struggle with, and something that society teaches us. Yet, this is so far from the truth. However, due to a of pressure around us on this topic as a single person, and especially as a Christian single, we often find ourselves buying into this. Marriage is what is expected and in turn, it is something we feel is lacking from our lives. Perhaps if we were to get married and have this great accomplishment in our lives, we would fit into society. Perhaps then we would be seen as whole and having a place in society that is thought more �highly� of.
It's true that singles often seem to be the most neglected in society. They fall through the cracks in many different areas, including church. If that is not enough, the pressure that we often get from friends and family about �when are we going to get married� weigh on us even more. We may be wanting to get married but the pressure makes it worse. It is as if marriage is an accomplishment in life that must happen. However, as a Christian, we should be waiting for God's timing and not listening to what others say about us, or about our singleness. Although what others think about us is not our main drive as to why we want to get married, it is still something that we find ourselves dealing with on top of our frusteration due to our unmet desires and the endless search for the perfect soulmate.
We find ourselves pining away for that special someone that we know has �got� to be out there somewhere. We dream of the day when two hearts will be one, when our singleness will be no more and when we will find ourselves in the arms of true love. As time goes by and the last mr or miss right turns into another mr or miss wrong, leaving us to heal another wounded heart, we start to wonder if there is someone there for us, and if not, why? Is there something wrong with us? Do we need to gain weight? Loss weight? Change something about our personality? Post more profiles online? Go to more places to meet singles? I mean why indeed are we still here waiting when the wedding bells continue to toll for others who don't seem to have it all together as much as we do or have even desired it as much and for as long. It's hard to understand what we see happening. We have a good job and can support a wife, so why did that guy who doesn't work find a girl? We know how to care for a house and love kids, so why did that other woman who wants others to care for her and refuses to do anything...why did she find a man? With each failed date, each wedding that is not our own, we find ourselves trying to hide our dissappointment. Inside we find ourselves wondering what �they� have that we don't have that got them true love. And once again we find ourselves sinking into the background, sinking into our misreable feelings, wondering if we will ever find that �someone� that has �got� to be out there for us.
We read in self help books that we need to try and better ourselves so that we are ready for the person of our dreams. We hear that we shouldn't waste our singleness and see it as a gift. Yet we have been trying to better ourselves for years and yet there seems to be no mr or miss right in sight. How do we keep going when each date turns into a disaster or the person never calls us back? And just around the time that it seems the other person is really interested, they vanish into thin air or a long term relationship crumbles to the ground.
So all of this begs these questions: Is there someone out there for me? What do I do while I wait? And if there isn't someone out there for me then why has God given me these desires?
There has to be someone out there for each of us, right? After all, if we have desires and they are good desires, God will grant those to us, right? We read in scripture that God said that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and He said to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). So how do we get �there�?
First off, I want to address this �preparing� for one's future spouse. I've read a lot of dating books in my twenty-four years of living, and many address the issue of what we do while we wait. The main discussion that I have read is that while we wait, we should use that time to prepare ourselves for the one that God has for us. We should better ourselves as a person so that when the time comes, we are not lacking. I feel the need to address this differently. As a single person I have been led along with everyone else in thinking that if I change myself then pershaps then I will find the right person for me or perhaps then God will see that I am ready for a spouse. Yet, I think that we are focusing on the wrong idea here. We should not be focusing on us, but focusing on who we are in Christ.
Our reason for living, I believe, is to grow closer to God and to seeek Him first. This is the same for those who are single and for those who are married. If we read the Bible we will know that God's desire for us is that we deepen our relationship with Him so that we might know Him. He wants us to seek Him with all our hearts and to put self last. So in this �waiting� as a single, I think that our life needs to be focused on Christ, on knowing Him and becoming more like Him. I think if we do that then we will be ready for the one that Christ has for us. We are focused on God and not on self. When we focus on ourselves we start to think that things are about us and when we think that things are about us we get disappointed when we do not get what we want, especially after we have done all we can on our own to obtain it. Yet if we focus on Christ then our eyes will be set on what is true and what will last. And, if we never meet that �someone� out there, all we are doing is for Christ, so how can it be lost? On the other hand if we are seeking to perfect ourselves for our own gain then time and time again when a date leads nowhere or a relationship ends, we wonder what we did wrong or why it didn't work. Yet if we are focusing on Christ then we find joy and contentment in knowing that we are doing what He called us to do and that His timing for us is different. We need to look at our reason for being single not as something that is about us (because we are doing something wrong, or something is wrong with us, etc...things that focus on �self� as the reason) and look to the truth that it is God's will that we are still single.
This then of course leads us to the old question of why, why are we still single? If we have this desire and it is not a sinful desire, than why has God not fulfilled it yet? Why did He give us desires if He wasn't going to let them come into existance? If we have been striving after Him, then why do we not yet have what we desire as the Bible says that if we delight ourselves in Him then He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).
Never in my time as a single has anyone ever told me, �maybe there is just not someone out there for you.� It has always been, �be patient, God knows the right time� or �when you meet him you will know� and other sayings that basically just sum up the fact that it isn't God's timing and that we need to wait on Him. For many of us, this is the case. One day God's timing will be right and you will meet the person that God has for you. I believe that this is true and that we should wait patiently and seek Christ and not settle for something less because we are impatient.
Yet, something that I never hear is, �there might not be someone out there for you.� Pause. What if someone told you that? How would you respond? And yet, that is my very question for you. What if there is not someone out there for you? How would you respond in knowing that your desires for a spouse many never come true? How will you react towards God and towards life?
I believe that it is very possible that there is not someone out there for anyone. I am one of the most hopeless people when it comes to romance and wanting a prince charming, but it is time to face what God has been teaching me about the truth. Not all our desires will be met here on this earth.
We all know this, but I don't think it has been addressed much in terms of the single life. And once again I think that is the result of our society being caught up in believing that singleness is not wholeness and that to be complete, we must find someone. Therefore if we need to find someone to be complete and God wants us to be whole, there will be someone out there for us. Besides, He gaves us these desires, right? Yet, let us consider the following.
We all desire good family relationships and yet we know that this is not the norm, that many families are broken and full of deep issues. We all desire to live comfortably and yet we know that many people work hard and yet still struggle to make ends meet. We all desire to be healthy and yet we know that we often suffer from health problems. We all desire to have a good relationship with our spouse and that love will last but we know the rates of divorce.
This is a world of brokenness and unmet desires because this is a fallen world where sin abounds and where we are until we are called home to heaven. This brings me to a very important point that I showed in the last examples: not all of our desires are going to be met here on earth. That goes for our desire as a single to be married.
We accept the fact that not all those who want children will be able to have them. We accept the fact that there is brokeness in the world and that as long as we are here there will be pain and suffering. We learn that this is not because God doesn't love us, but because we are the part of this fallen world. Yet it is harder to accept that there may not be someone out there for us, and I think possiblity it is because no one has ever really told us that. We have been made to believe and to hope fully in something that may not be.
There is nothing wrong with believing and hoping, and I do not write this to dash your hopes or your dreams. I think we should all continue to hope and dream about the desires that we have and to pray about them all the more. However, I do feel that we need to know as singles that marriage will not come to all of us. God will not grant all our desires on this earth and it has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with God and His plans for us.
At this point you may feel angry at me, or feel that I have said something that is incorrect, or something that you cannot believe. Believe me, I understand. I myself would rather believe that there is someone out there for all of us. I am one who desires very strongly to get married, and yet, the truth has set me free. Let me explain.
I used to pine away for the one for me. I would often mope around and wonder what was wrong with me, or why God was punishing me for. And yet, with the truth, I realize that neither of these things are the case. In the first scenario I am focusing on myself and in the second, I have a wrong view of who God is. It is not because there is something wrong with me that I am single and God is not using singleness as a punishment, rather, He knows the plans that He has for me. And I know that although my desires may not all be fulfilled here on this earth, they will be in heaven.
This is to say that I have not become fully content with this realization for myself. There are times that I cry out to God for it to be His will that this desire be fullfilled here on this earth. I don't want to have to be the �strong� one if I am not to be married. I do not want this �cup� that God has given me if that be the case and I beg Him to take that away. Yet in this, I am learning something else. Surrender.
How to surrender to God, how to surrender our desires and ourselves. And in that, how we rejoice in Him and not turn away when it seems that He is failing us. God is not failing us and never will. Yet surrending is something that is extremely difficult to do. This is the battle that I face as a single. Each day I want to grow more and more like Christ and to put aside myself. This is just a part of it and I struggle with it emmensely. And yet, I think of what He had to surrender in order for our lives to be saved. There is no greater sacrafice. And if our sacrafice of our desires is what He asks for, is that not what we want?
And this is why I feel that as a single, we should strive to know Him because this is what will guide us and lead us through the rest of our lives, whether God asks us to remain single for a season or for this life. Being in a relationship does not make life worthwhile if it does not have Christ in it, and it will not make us happier if we do desire to follow Christ. There was a time in my life that I dated without seeking Christ to be first. Yes, I had the guy, but even so, I found myself desiring Christ and knowing I was not where I should be. Now I know that even though I am not with someone, I am seeking Christ-and that has made all the difference. I now have peace. Despite my desire to have a man, I am happier as a single than as I was dating someone who was not Christ focused.
This is not to say that I don't find myself crying some nights or wondering why it is I that is in this place, but knowing that God doesn't fulfill all our desires (and often for good reasons that we do not know) is a comfort for me. Knowing God better continues to help me to see this world and my circumstances in a different light. We can either turn our back on God when things don't go right, or we can use those times to help us grow closer to Him. Instead of focusing on what we can do on our own or for ourselves, focusing on Christ gives us a clear perspective.
I wish for all of you that read this that you may come to know Christ more fully, and that that will be the desire of your heart. Only God knows what He has planned. I encourage you to seek His face more frequently and to pray about your desires and that in everything, God's will be done. For He has paid the ultimate sacrafice for us and the servant is not above the master. Just remember that you are whole in Christ and that singleness does not make you incomplete. In Christ you are complete!
Wow that is so well said...You should write a book about "Relationships" you have a lot of Knowlege and Wisdom To Give...(I Am A Serious For You Are A Writer) Anyway,Sunny G,The Things About Relationships Is That They Aren't A Joke...You Have To Be Careful How We Present Ourselves And What Comes Out Of Our Mouths...I Don't Think We Realize Men&Women A Like That We Don't See That We Can Hurt People(Weather They Are Our Husband Or Wife Or Not) That We Don't Have To Respect Others And That We Can Say What We Want To Others...Most Men&Women A Like Don't Know How To Give Emotioanlly Of Themselves Because They Don't Know How To Give It Out Themselves...However To Me It Not That Hard To Learn...People Carry A Lot Of Baggage But They Aren't Willing To Let Jesus Change Their Though Process Of Who They Are...So On A Dating Service Like This People Don't Take This Seriously....Dating Is Scary And A Scary Process For Every Guy Is Different...To Me Either You Don't Find What You Are Looking For Or The Person That You Like Just Doesn't Want To Be Bother...UGH...I Think Woman Get Hurt A Lot Because We Are Loving And Accepting And Forgiving And We Will Try To Do Whatever It Takes To Make It Work...I Don't Think I Will Every Understand How This Dating Thing Works...Some Woman Get Breaks And (The Other Like Myself LOL...Has To Fight To Stay In This Thing And Doesn't Get Any Breaks...It Really Hard Because If I Wouldn't Of Dated In The 8 Years Of Waiting For The Lord To Bring Me Someone(That Would Of Been Very Lonely For Me)I Was Born And Raised In NewJersey And My Husband Wasn't There...So Does That Mean That The Lord Didn't Want Me To Date???? I Mean When I Think About That Kind Of Unfair...( I Really Don't Think The Lord Works That Way) I Think That Weather Or Not You Have A Mate One Life Is Better Then The Other...But Even If A Married Person Doesn't Have It All Together And Does Have Their Share Of Problems ( I Think The The Thing That Bother Me Is That They Have A Person By Their Side And Someone That Will Love Them Uncondionally If They Have A Great Marriage) Vs Someone Like Us...(We Have To Do It Alone And Work On It With The Lord Help And Just Fight And Cry And Lean On The Lord Ourselves) No Married Person That Has Been Married With A Man That Will Do Anything For Her Understand Not Having Someonen To Enjoy A Cup Of Cofee With When They Wake Up...Or What Wrong Hon...The Lord Will Whatever To Help You Get Through...(You Are Solo On Your Own And Have To Think Of Creative Ways To Stay In The Fight) You Want Someone To Date You For You...And Respect You And Love You For You But Why Is It You Get The Opposite Of What You Are Looking For...You Get Angry Then You Find Peace And Healing And Then To Go Through It Again...Why Do So Many Years Go By With No Change But Then Another "Christian Woman" Like Yourself Put Herself Out There And Gets And Finds Her Husband???? You Do Read Relationship Books And You Do Find Peace You Do Strive To Do Better And Learn What Jesus Wants You To Learn But It Doesn't Produce A Husband...I Don't Think I Will Ever Understand "The Dating Process" What Does It Have To Be A Mean Process...However,Someone Once Told Me To Commit My Fears And Hurts One By One And Give Them To The Lord...Does It Change The Fact That I Got Hurt No...But It Was Like I Felt The Lord Listen As I Did That And Gave Me A Better Understand That "I Am Ok" Nothing Changed About Me..I Am Still Lovely And Still Sweet And A Great Person...I Don't Know Why I Went Through It But It Did Give Me A Sense "What To Look For "In A Christian Guy" "What Is It I Long For "In A Husband"...If A Guy Doesn't Want To Get "Emotioanlly Involved With Me And Care About Me" "I Am Fine With That" Friendship Are Delicate And Need To Be Treated With Care" "Some Christian Guys Don't See The Importance Of Investing In A Woman Emotionally And See What Makes Us Happy And Just Call Us To See How Are Day Was...Just Show Us By Them Being Apart Of Our Lives On A Daily Bases And By The Questions They Ask And Their Comments In Response To What We Have To Say Does Show What In A Guy Heart...Have I Been Disappointed In This..."Yes" "A Million Times Yes"...Why Couldn't I Have Met My Husband Before This Happen..."Lord I Thought This Guy Was My Friend" "And He Was A Christian Man Of God"...."No Answer And Your Left More Alone Then The First Time" "I Just Think It Life" "You Have To Be Strong" "Show The Devil It Doesn't Get To You" "Be Like Whatever Devil" "What Eles Do You Got" "You Have To Give A Different Response To The Devil" "Just Enjoy Life" "You Make The Most Of It" And That It...."I Haven't Figured Out The Rest So On That Note" "Thanks For Sharing" "I Will Have To Read It Again Just Encase I Miss Something"...If There Is Anything You Want To Say In Response To My Message Please Tell Me What You Have To Say And What You Thought About What I Had To Say Sunny G!!!!!
I know how you feel :) In the bible it says that we have to have three things in our Virtue. Faith, hope and love. Besides, it is a part of Christianity.
We all have certain tolerance levels, and believe me, Its hard to tolerate something another person does. I don't feel that staying single is a gift. Feels more like a choice.
Since Faith, love and hope abides to each other. Love never fails and we must always have hope and faith. I believe there is someone out there for everyone.
We all are divided with our own thoughts. Our own systems. We cannot change unless we love them. We love God but still have different views. Were not totally equally yoked. Even churches are divided.
Sometimes I was thinking about changing myself for others, for society, but if I do that then that would kick off the religion and I won't want to act like a hypocrite towards it. Even though we do have a freedom of choice but at the same time it does effect God and he hates it.
I believe we all are close minded. Or, if its not that then we all are not accepting.
Can we really find someone with our exact thinking? Or meet someone that is tolerable? Who knows..
Welcome back To The Messages Boards...Haven't Heard from you in awhile!!!! I think what you were trying to say and what was communicated to me was everyone values something different...and unfortunately not "The Good Stuff Either"... "No one values Love,Hope,Perservance and being Patience and understanding with each other" "Just give me what I want and what I need and that that...(How sad society has to be that way Kidvid)...Well I am doing good just hanging in there and waiting for "The Lord Precious Promises From His Word To Manifest in My Life" "My God Will Supply All Of My Needs Through Christ Jesus" "And Jesus Will Do The Same For You Kidvid"...
Thank you very much for the post. It presents a well-thought-out and well-articulated view on a subject which should concern all of us. I fund tha Christ-centered hope in it refreshing. It certainly made me think over it and here are some of my thoughts.
I definitely agree with your main point and with its chief implication. Being in Christ means that we are complete. Because of this, it may be the case that God may not have someone for us.
While the majority of us should have no problem accepting your main point, some obviously trip over its implication and that is that God may have decided that Christ is sufficient for some of us. While this might sound unsettling at first, it is intended to release us from the enormous pressure which has been piled up on our shoulders. We are not obligated to find the right person for us. Believe it or not, it is not our responsibility to do it! We are rather to accept God�s gift, the seemingly bitter cup of being single. By doing this, incidentally, we are going to be much more grateful to God when our singleness is no more, if that is ever going to be the case for some of us. When clinging to false hopes is revealed for what it is, then it comes crushing down to the earth. It is painful to accept that, yet, in time we may come to realize that the enormous burden of the ticking clock has been removed from us and we are given something far lighter to carry.
The only part that I find problematic is your use of desire as a means of making your point. It is true that all of our desires will not be fulfilled on earth. However, it is not true that our desire to get married will be fulfilled �in heaven�. You do not say this, of course, but you imply it several times.
Finally, let me say something about my reactions to the tone of the post. I do not think that there is any despair or dissatisfaction expressed in it. What I see is hope which is grounded both in Christ and in reality. This hope is neither na�ve nor self-centered, but rather Christ-centered. This is the kind of hope which will never let us walk alone since it knows that it has Christ to lean on. This is why we are able to say �not my will but yours be done� in terms of the single life.
Thank you very much for the post. It presents a well-thought-out and well-articulated view on a subject which should concern all of us. I fund tha Christ-centered hope in it refreshing. It certainly made me think over it and here are some of my thoughts.
I definitely agree with your main point and with its chief implication. Being in Christ means that we are complete. Because of this, it may be the case that God may not have someone for us.
While the majority of us should have no problem accepting your main point, some obviously trip over its implication and that is that God may have decided that Christ is sufficient for some of us. While this might sound unsettling at first, it is intended to release us from the enormous pressure which has been piled up on our shoulders. We are not obligated to find the right person for us. Believe it or not, it is not our responsibility to do it! We are rather to accept God�s gift, the seemingly bitter cup of being single. By doing this, incidentally, we are going to be much more grateful to God when our singleness is no more, if that is ever going to be the case for some of us. When clinging to false hopes is revealed for what it is, then it comes crushing down to the earth. It is painful to accept that, yet, in time we may come to realize that the enormous burden of the ticking clock has been removed from us and we are given something far lighter to carry.
The only part that I find problematic is your use of desire as a means of making your point. It is true that all of our desires will not be fulfilled on earth. However, it is not true that our desire to get married will be fulfilled �in heaven�. You do not say this, of course, but you imply it several times.
Finally, let me say something about my reactions to the tone of the post. I do not think that there is any despair or dissatisfaction expressed in it. What I see is hope which is grounded both in Christ and in reality. This hope is neither na�ve nor self-centered, but rather Christ-centered. This is the kind of hope which will never let us walk alone since it knows that it has Christ to lean on. This is why we are able to say �not my will but yours be done� in terms of the single life.
The reason why I left is because I felt like I hurt someone feelings. So I took a brake.
-There shouldn't be any demands in "love", but it is still a choice.
You know what I think, I think we have something in the past that we done, then God punish us with it by saying, "NO" It isn't suppose to be done that way. Since you done that, your heart and mind is corrupted. Unstable. But that is just my imaginary thought.
Well Welcome Back!!!! You didn't hurt my feelings that for sure!!!! You mean yourself your heart and mind is corrupt and you need "The Lord to work in you...you mean so you took a break for awhile"..."I don't think you ment me being corrupt my heart and mind LOL....:ROFL: But anyway yeah Love is a choice but many men and women don't know how to express it to "The Opposite Sex" "People are greedy and so self-asborbed and through The Years I Have Been Single It Doesn't Seem To Improve" "The Same People Come Your Way"..."Yes you are right some people do demand lots...I don't know fully what you mean but they do expect a lot from us if that what you mean,However I feel when you are "My Age 33" "The Man should know how to minister and be thoughtful and senstive to A Women Kidvid" "I am not saying all "Born-Again Christian Guys Are Like That But Most Of Them The Ones I Run Into Are"....
Please Let me know your thoughts about My Post Called "This Is Really Bothering Me" "Don't Try To Anyalize It To Much Just Try To See What I Am Saying And Then Take It From There Kidvid"
No. I am not referring to anyone saying that they have a corrupted mind and heart. It was just a imaginary thought towards to the question, why are we still single. Even though, there isn't anything wrong with that. :) -Imaginary thought as in , comic book strip, made up. :)
You also have to accept that people have reasons. People have certain standards. You don't want anyone just to be with you and they don't surely love you.
Ever heard the saying, " I love you but I don't really love you". It all leads down to tolerance.
When I was a child, I believe I could accept everything. As I grew up. I too have certain standards, and couldn't tolerate much.
- Love is a decision but do you have the emotion for it?
I can't really answer your other post (This Is Really Bothering Me...) because you are referring to guys in general. Its hard for me to see your view of things.
I don't know if you mean you don't think I was being clear and it hard to read or you don't agree with what I am saying!!! (Please State which one it is) Anyway,Everything every man is saying I all ready Know and what those "Other Christian Guys" Were saying isn't what I ment either" "The Main Thing Is Guys Say Stupid Stuff And Say The First Thing That Comes Out Of Their Mouth" "There is no decreation..Men don't care if they hurt our feelings they think we are guys working under a hood...."Hey Man Hand Me That Tool Over There You Jerk" LOL...:P:P:P
~That it for now bye and thanks for listening weather you agree with me or not~:glow:
