I am a young trainee pastor/minister, and one of the young people that I have come into contact with during my training, and whom I now consider to be a friend, (we are both about 24/25) recently told me that he was sharing a bed with his partner, but that they had never had sex with each other. He then proceeded to ask me if this was okay, because they were not having sex.
I told him that I, personally, thought that it was NOT okay, because of the mindset of the people in the church if they found out about them sharing a bed, they would ignore the not having sex part. I also said that it was not, in my personal opinion, okay because it goes against the part of the Lord's prayer where was ask for protection from temptation - and I feel that god says he will only protect if we don't put ourselves in stupid situations, and, as such, even though they are not having sex, the temptation to have sex is always there as long they are living in the same house, let alone sharing the same bed.
My friend said that he thought I was being a bit harsh upon him. IS this so? Was i harsh in telling him not to sleep in the same bed with his girlfriend? even though they are not having sex with each other?
So this is where advice comes in with answers to these questions, if you woudl be so kind: -
- Was I too harsh on my friend?
- If so, what approach should I have taken?
- Is there anyway I could have done this differently, without seeming harsh, even if i wasn't harsh?
Ahead of time, thanks, because your answers shall help me with my future ministry, so a huge thank you to all who shall respond.
First of all I comendyou for bieng brave and being honest with your friend. Since he is a friend you have earned the right to speak truth into his life. I have worked with youth for over 7 years now through my church and I have had people tell me the same thing as your friend. We aren't having sex just sharing a bed. Believe me when I say that it always starts out innocent enough but never stays there. I don't think you were too harsh whatsoever. It's always hard to speak the truth. As you continue in this field you will find many opportunites to speak the truth. I have found that when I have built a relationship with a person, one of trust, and I speak truth to them, at first they may respond negatively but usually they will come back to me later and say what you told me was right and i appreciate it. God bless you in your ministry, we need more people who are willing to speak the truth.
I don't think that you were harsh...just honest and truthful. Of course, I don't know the tone of voice you used, or anything like that, but the content of what you told him was fine. Sometimes the truth hurts. I don't recall Jesus ever attempting to be less harsh when he was rebuking the pharisees or even his own disciples.
And ya know, your friend was probably already feeling that it was sin, or he wouldn't have felt the need to ask you what you thought. All you did was confirm his fears, and he didn't like that...it was not what he wanted to hear.
Good luck with this friend. Remember not to judge him, but love him and pray for him. Don't let him sway you to compromise what you believe to be right and wrong according to God's Word, and I would also advise that you be ready to defend your stand through the Bible.
I will tell you by experience, if they say something like that you quote the word in love you are ok.Plus you must tell them this.
Why? ------------ because you are responsible to give them the truth.Now, you are free of any wrong doing. if they do not stop as a member of the church you need to have somebody else talk to them with you at the same time.Paul did write that, to take somebody else with you. Then pray about it.:peace:
:prayingf::prayingm:
Paul also says what the next step is.read it for yourself.you are a pastor.
I would like to point out that i said I was doing my training, I am still in Bible College, and I am awaiting a placement for my practical training to begin.
Also, I believe I have done all that i can because, although I am friends with this person, I am not regularly attending their church because we met, and became really good mates, on the few weekend placements I have had in their church.
Your last line in your comment, i personally feel, has an attitude that is not right. "Paul says what the next step is. Read it for yourself. You are a pastor." I could be reading to much into it, but I read that as being written with a harsh and unnecessary attitude.
However, because of what has been happening, I have handed control of the situation over to the churches Youth pastor. Since the last time I posted something on this forum, I have been informed that the girl has moved back into her parents house. The relationship is still going strong. They have just, since Myself, and then the youth pastor, told him that what was happening was wrong, put a large amount of boundaries in place.
Shall they keep to them, I'm not sure, but I hope and pray that they do.
And lastly, I was asking for practical advice because I am doing my training, and I am not actually a pastor yet in any way shape or form.
Right, I hope and pray you do not take offence at this reply, and I thank you for yours.
Your advice was sound and Biblically based. However, is this an area that might need "shoring up" within the young adult community of your church? It might be time, for a seminar forum to reveal this " lie". That encourages young people, to think one can particpate in the worldly activities and not to give in to the temptations, that they are falling prey and/or victim too. For it is the church's responsibility to teach, guide and educate with the truth, candor, love and humor in an open and well moderated discussion this "idea" (which is straight from the pit of Hades) so it can be "killed".
Friend I have been preoccupied recently, family member in the hospital and I did not mean to be taken as harsh. I did not realize you would take my statement that way.I thought I had been gentle.:peace: Dennis
I was stressed myself on Saturday. I had literally, this week, just finished my degree, and there was one of my marks missing from the mark sheets. I received it today, and passed, but hey, all's cool. I probably just read it wrong because I was stressed.
The truth always feels harsh to those who don't want to hear it.
From personal experience I felt justified sleeping in boyfriend's beds because I knew I could be strong. And I was. I didn't kiss or do anything else with guys I dated, and I was a virgin till I was 26.
Then I met a man who was not as strong as I was. I didn't know at first, because he started out like any other relationship. We'd already established the boundary of not doing anything till we were married, which was in a few more months. In fact, the night we had sex I remarked to him about how much easier it is to be in a relationship with another Christian who is so strong in that area.
You will come to find, in your years of ministry, that satan is always there, waiting for opportunities. A wise person will seek to eliminate them all.
I would also add that everything you do in present relationships affects your future spouse. Ask him if he'd be bothered if the woman he eventually marries is doing the same thing he is.
friend, it really do feel for you. As someone getting ready for minnistry it will be hard now to deal with those things.But, how you handle this will tell you something about how you will deal with future issues. It will make you stronger later on. A real friend will pray for those who have fallen aside and believe in their return to the faith.Dennis
