Author	Thread: I need some advice please...
Admin	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 09:55 AM I'm going to do my best to sum up this situation because this would be a very long post if I gave every tid bit of information, but if more is needed I'll gladly give it to find a solution. My partner at work is a dear friend of mine. We were friends before we were partners. She is married to a man that I was friends with a long time ago, before they were married. Now that I'm around them more, she has come to me for advice about their marriage. Her husband is very jealous and possessive. He is jealous of anyone she gives any attention to, including her daughter, so it's not just other men. I've witnessed these things myself. A male coworker of ours asked me to swap a shift with him (he would be working with my friend); the husband said to me, "Nobody asked me about that!" I believe he truly is so insecure that he tries to bully everyone to try to grasp at any and all control he can. I'm not saying that my friend is perfect; she has trust issues too and admits it. And no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. So, my question is..what am I supposed to do about this? How am I supposed to act? It'd be very easy to deal with if he didn't come to her work, but he does. He gets mad at her if she doesn't call him as often as he thinks she should, or if all the phones are down and she can't call, or if we're on a stand-by in an area without phone service, or if she eats supper without him, or if she asks a question, or ANYTHING! They read each others text messages and fight. They are always fighting while we're at work. And when we're not, he gets mad if she talks to me for too long. When he comes to visit her, he acts like he runs the place, and he is not affiliated AT ALL. Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 10:12 AM I'm sorry I didn't get to finish, there was a glitch or something. She is a Christian and believed him to be before they married, but since then he's started acting this way. Her father is a preacher, but she's not comfortable talking to him about it because she doesn't want him to think she made a mistake marrying him. I suggested they go to a Christian counselor, and she says shed like to, and he's agreed to it, but they haven't. I don't know what to do. His behavior and her reaction to it is now involving everyone we work with. He expects all of us to walk on egg shells around him to make him happy. In some ways, I think that would be "enabling" that behavior, but is that what I should do to make life easier on my friend? Or should I ask her to not share those things with me so I don't feel such animosity towards him? Or would that cut her off from any normalcy? I don't know what I should do as a Christian. I think he's a mysoginist(sp). I've witnessed verbal and psychological abuse. I feel like my friend can't see the forest for the trees. I haven't suggested divorce, just counseling and another friend/coworker bought a book for her, but she hasn't read it. Please help!! :) If you need more info, just ask. T Post Reply
stormcountry33 View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 10:59 AM I am sorry for the situation that you and your friend are in. It does sound liike he is very insecure. I think that based in his jealousy, she may very well have the right to question whether or not he is being faithful. i have found that when a certain party is guilty of something, they often try to find that same fault in the other party so that if things come to light they won't be able to be "judged'. i feel your friend trust your adivce, however something is holding them back from following through with the counselling. It may be that they feel if they go to counselling things may come to the surface of their relationship and they don't really want to face those issues. I don't think you should "walk on eggshells" around this guy. He shouldn't have anything like that power over you and anyone else that you work with!!! You need to let your friend/partner know that his behavior at your place of work is not going to be tolerated. This may possibly empower her to take stand for herself. I do have one side note about the guy that wanted to swap shifts with you so he could work with your friend. What are his reasons? If he is interested in you friend, you should do nothing to encourage his feelings. In this situation I can better understand your friend's husband anger. If he feels this guy is trying to move in on his wife and he feels that you have encouraged him by letting him purposely work with his wife, it would cause soemone to get possesive. I hope things work out and that God is allowed to work throught the situation!!! Later!~ Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 11:19 AM Thank you Storm!! I really appreciate you taking the time to read all that! Haha! The male coworker wanted to swap shifts for his personal reasons (I think he had to pick his wife up at the airport or something like that, I don't remember exactly) but it wasn't just so he could work with her. I'm sorry if I made it sound that way. I would not be a part of anything like that! Haha! I've wondered if he wasn't doing something bad himself to make him act that way. And she's not trusting that he's not either. Thank you for your prayer's!! Post Reply
stormcountry33 View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 01:05 PM yeah sorry, I did misread the part of the male co-worker, haha!! sorry! no need to make him a bad guy if he isn't one, haha!! Later!~ Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 02:05 PM ouch, now that sounds like a sticky situation.. if i were in that situation (i would run jk) i would keep encouraging my friend to pray!, pray! pray!... to use it as an opportunity to walk more closely with God, to listen and hear his voice, to follow his lead. it may sound very cliche and generic, but prayer goes places men may never be able to see. and instead of their problems (God forbid) breaking their relationship, it would allow for an avenue to have God's presence in a more tangible way keeping them together...."a threefold cord is not quickly broken." nyanda p.s this seems like an adventure waiting to happen, forgive my optimism.. Post Reply
klmartin62 View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 02:45 PM I am not nearly so adventurous in my dealings with these situations. I believe a friendly relaxed atmosphere at work. I really believe that it is more than a desire, it is necessary for sanity. I joke and tease a lot. So I like to surround myself with those who do the same. Your work situation would drive me nuts. I would end up beating both of them half to death and then have to repent and ask forgiveness. LOL. It really is nerve racking. My advice? Sit them both down and tell them that people depend on y'all to be at 100% when on duty. People's lives are at stake. You can not deal with any situation 100% if you have a nagging problem on your mind. Tell them the counseling needs to start soon and they can not bring their problems to work, even in the form of text messages because it effects the performance of everyone around them. That they need toget the counseling for everyone's sanity. I know this sounds harsh, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. The jealousy does sound like insecurity, but also like immaturity. They both need to learn consideration for others. Give them the shock treatment, it will do them good. Much love, Leon Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 05:35 PM dear ky, who is in charge where you work? when he is comin in and bein disruptive? whoever is in charge needs to have a talk with him and let him know that that wont be tolerated there.. and if he doesnt listen then he wont be welcome there anymore.. your workplace is just that a place of work.. its not his playground.. to come in and do as he pleases.. even making his wife and you and your other coworkers uncomfortable there.. hes not a coworker there so he shouldnt be there to begin with cept to drop things off or speak to his wife for a minute anyways.. or less hes hurt .. she needs a friend it seems.. so id still listen to her problems if i was you.. the man has control issues.. prolly narcistic as well. therefore all the verbal and mental abuse shes recieving.. then again one doesnt know what all your friends really addin to this as you say behind closed doors.. she could be possibly eggin alot of this stuff on or she could just be an innocent victim.. there is not much worse than jealousy to ruin a relationship.. ole cattle Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 06:05 PM Hi Tandy, I think you have been given some really good advise as well. If this guy is a COP then his position should have no bearing. He is not an employee there. The office Manager needs to take a stand he needs to be put in his place....of course in a nice way. ;-). They certainly need to both go to Christian counseling and she needs to make it a priority before the situation gets any worse. If he was not insecure at first but is now then either something caused him to be that way or as Storm says he might be guilty of something himself and is projecting his guilt upon her. OR it could be that he did a good job in hiding his "issues" until he hooked her. Narcisists are good at this for a while, IF he is one. No way to tel for sure at this point. Continue to be her Friend and lend an ear and comfort her through this. Blessings! Walter Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 14 Feb, 2010 10:37 PM Thank you ALL for your responses!! I'm going to try to have a talk with our boss tomorrow and see if he can have a talk with her husband to explain how he's disrupting things. And I'll have a talk with her and encourage the counseling more, and soon! And if he shows up to tomorrow night causing problems and y'all don't hear from me..... Just kidding, I don't think it'll get that bad. Please add my friend and her husband to your prayers. Thanks again!! With much love! T Post Reply
View Profile History	I need some advice please... Posted : 15 Feb, 2010 06:43 AM I will address the issue at work 1st.my parents when I was a teenager would call my work place and leave messages. i talked to my boss about this.All messages stopped being taken shortly afterwards.Your boss can just say I assign the wrokers and this will be the answer to the work thing as the spouse has no bussiness running the work place. it should be made very clear that spouses are not running the work place. I am a little bit hard when it comes to family interference in the work place. As for counciling the friend should go alone if the spouse refuses to go. A pastor deals with all kinds of problems, father should no to help them pray through the issue.This is to prevent a break up of the marriage.:prayingf: Post Reply

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