Thread: Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
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Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
Posted : 30 Jul, 2011 09:01 PM
We all value ourselves. Sometimes we don�t. Relationships are an integral part of our well being, but there are times when we unknowingly allow close relationships to impinge upon who we truly are. Love is a thing of splendor, true, but sometimes even the closest relationships could go askew and stifle us, and that is when we need to examine closely. Are we really letting ourselves go, in a literal way? Is this love or relationship adding to my value, or taking away something from my valued self?
Often there are times when we find ourselves in a Hamlet like situation �to be or not to be� read, �to give in or not to give in� to some of the demands our partner makes on our inner resources.
There are times when we stop to take a look at the dilemma, fail to deny some unjust demands that are inevitably a part of close relationships and are made quite often on our inner resources.
There is: Fear: �I hope he/she hasn�t realized how much I care for them.�
Or �I am afraid of losing her/him now she/he has come to mean so much to me.�
Hope: �I hope this relationship will come to something�I hope the other person loves me back or it will be pretty bleak.�
Anxiety: �Does he/she love me?�
Pride: � I must be careful not to show how much I love this person or I will be humiliated if I am refused.�
All these above-mentioned apprehensions are intrusive to who we really are. In order to save ourselves from such emotional self-abuse we must realize how valuable we are to our own self before stepping forward to be valued by another.
When we love we often take a whole lot of trash from our loved ones, something that we shouldn�t ever do. Our relationship has to be an extension of our true self. If it isn�t, then what we are doing is insulting ourselves and one day or the other it would leaves us feeling bitter and empty.
Life coach Dan O� Neil observes, �A relationship is something we undertake as an expression of ourselves, the sum of the expression is greater than we can make ourselves. When the relationship no longer serves this purpose, then it is time to bid it farewell with love and move on�Love has no needs, wants or desires, it simply is.�
The phrase �love simply is� is brief and self-explanatory.
I believe that submission and sacrifice, which most of us are guilty of doing in the name of love, is okay as long as it is mutual, respected and returned. When it turns abusive, that is when we find ourselves sweeping our self-esteem from the floor everyday, it is time to stop. Put up a resistance. Draw a line.
In brief, don�t let love oppress you. Bully you. Abuse you. Use you.
It helps if we're aware of some of these unhealthy signs, signs that may obstruct your personal boundaries and leave you feeling embittered:
Going against personal values or rights just to please your partner.
Letting your partner define you. For example, �you are nothing but�� kind of definitions.
Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
Letting your partner direct your life and your emotions. Becoming an emotional slave.
Letting your partner describe your reality. For example, �You know what you are?� kind of accusations.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out. Watch out. You might be vulnerable to falling in love too soon.
Falling in love with new acquaintances. Love takes time. Period. Everything else is fairy tale.
Believing your partner can anticipate your needs. Sulking if they don�t.
Not noticing when your partner invades your boundary. For example, demanding to know everything. Asking too many personal questions. Suspecting your integrity.
Being sexual for your partner, not yourself. This might create a vicious cycle of undermining your true needs.
Telling all. This doesn�t entail hiding something substantial from your partner or being dishonest. It is about keeping some part of yourself only with you. Only you.
Not noticing when your partner displays inappropriate boundaries: Checking your private mails, handbags, and personal belongings.
Expecting your partner to fulfill your needs automatically. You have to ask. Speak out. Express your desires truthfully.
When you and your partner is playing mind games. Ego clashes. Defensiveness. Hurting back.
Withholding love and slipping into cold silences. This comes under dishonesty in a relationship.
Falling apart so that your partner will take care of you. Don�t turn them into a Shrink. Your partner is not the human equivalent of a trampoline, guaranteed to offer a safe landing and bounce you back up whenever you are down.
Begin to live in partnership with your self, and your mate, as two complete individual who share intimacy with an interconnectedness that belongs to each one of you separately, because �It takes two halves to make a whole but two wholes to make one relationship that has half a chance�.
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
Posted : 5 Aug, 2011 12:30 PM
This is wise teaching that I have learned through the years of past spouses who were deeply wounded and, took it out on me. I was wounded enough to allow it but once I took schooling, counseling and received much prayer, I began to heal. The ex spouses did not like that and did not want to heal with me, which caused a split that could not me be mended. Once you start healing and the other person, whether it be a dating partner, spouse, friend or even your own children, they will buck it if they are not seeking inner healing. Boundaries are very important. Thanks for a healthy post for all of us.
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
Posted : 5 Aug, 2011 07:41 PM
Love suffereth long, and is kind; Love envieth not;
Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave
itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in inquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things .
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
Posted : 15 Aug, 2011 12:56 AM
Andea...whenever you post something not of your own creation and do not attribute reference to it's author...by citing that actual author, it looks as if you are trying to pass off (the ideas or words of another) as your own. That is commonly known as plagiarism.
When I read this piece you posted, I was aware of having read it before sometime back on a site called ODE which is a print and online publication about people and ideas that influence our world. I was surprised to see you posted it verbatim without reference to it's actual author.
The true author of this piece is Nazia Mallick and she posted this on 3/ 3/2010 1:01 pm. I am including the link as well: http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/14433/love_without_fear_ways_to_protect_your_personal_boundaries
I would hope this was just an oversight on your part and not an intentional attempt at deception.
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
Posted : 20 Aug, 2011 12:25 PM
Andea (Paul)
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
Well I never said I had written it okay
So please don't tell me the Law
I got my degree in Law
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You are correct in stating you never claimed to have written this piece by Nazia Mallick . Whilst I did not actually TELL you the law Andea, I merely made an obscure reference to MORAL LAW, the absolute principle defining the criteria of RIGHT ACTION. Right Action being giving credit where credit is due. Having gone back through your prior posts and found you have in fact repeatedly taken credit for the written works of other people, I felt your propensity to plagiarize the works of others�ought to be addressed.
Ironically, prior to a few days ago your own profile housed the pictures of two different men you claim to be yourself. Unless you had a forehead resection, ear ( otoplasty), nose (rhinoplasty)�.along with chin implants and a hairline restructuring, those photos were not the same person. Shame on you! Additionally�the written portion of your profile is a mish-mash of un-cited works of a number of authors including that of chrissmith7609, another registrant to this site.
When you were asked in the chat room why a section of your profile is an EXACT copy of words written on Chris Smith�s profile, your beleaguered lame reply was, ��Because we think alike.� LOL Paul�the only way that is possible�even remotely so�would be if you are in fact, also Chrissmith7609. If that is the case, then you are
in violation of CDFF�s Terms of Service specifically this policy, sections (b), (c) and (d):
18. PROHIBITED USES
CDFF imposes certain restrictions on Your use of the Website and the Services. You represent and warrant that you will not: (a) �stalk� or otherwise harass any person, or contact any person who has requested not to be contacted; (b) provide false, misleading or inaccurate information to CDFF or any other Member; (c) impersonate, or otherwise misrepresent affiliation, connection or association with, any person or entity; (d) create more than one unique public profile; (e) harvest or otherwise collect information about CDFF users, including email addresses and phone numbers; (f) use or attempt to use any engine, software, tool, agent, or other device or mechanism (including without limitation browsers, spiders, robots, avatars, or intelligent agents) to harvest or otherwise collect information from the Website for any use, including without limitation use on third-party websites; (g) access content or data not intended for You, or log onto a server or account that You are not authorized to access; (h) attempt to probe, scan, or test the vulnerability of the Services, the Website, or any associated system or network, or breach security or authentication measures without proper authorization; (i) interfere or attempt to interfere with the use of the Website or Services by any other user, host or network, including, without limitation by means of submitting a virus, overloading, �flooding,� �spamming,� �mail bombing,� or �crashing�; (j) use the Website or Services to send unsolicited e-mail, including without limitation promotions or advertisements for products or services; (k) forge any TCP/IP packet header or any part of the header information in any e-mail or in any uploading or posting to, or transmission, display, performance or distribution by means of, the Website or Services; or (l) attempt to modify, reverse-engineer, decompile, disassemble or otherwise reduce or attempt to reduce to a human-perceivable form any of the source code used by the CDFF Parties in providing the Website or Services. Any violation of this section may subject You to civil and/or criminal liability.
If you are not in fact also Chrissmith7609 and have merely lifted from his profile what HE wrote about HIMSELF�THAT IS PLAGIARISM and you are in violation of this CDFF policy: .
19. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY
(a) Compliance with Law
You represent and warrant that, when using the Website and Services, You will obey the law and respect the intellectual property rights of others. Your use of the Website and Services is at all times governed by and subject to laws regarding copyright ownership and use of intellectual property generally. You agree not to upload, post, transmit, display, perform or distribute any content, information or other materials in violation of any third party�s copyrights, trademarks, or other intellectual property or proprietary rights. YOU SHALL BE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY VIOLATIONS OF ANY LAWS AND FOR ANY INFRINGEMENTS OF THIRD-PARTY RIGHTS CAUSED BY YOUR USE OF THE WEBSITE AND SERVICES. THE BURDEN OF PROVING THAT CONTENT, INFORMATION OR OTHER MATERIALS DO NOT VIOLATE ANY LAWS OR THIRD-PARTY RIGHTS RESTS SOLELY WITH YOU.
So you see Andea�.it is in fact about THE LAW, if nothing else�common courtesy and respect for others. The internet is rife with people that misrepresent themselves, usually for nefarious purposes. Given this is a free �Christian Dating� site, we are privileged and blessed to have use of it, I would hope you would cease in these behaviors that clearly misrepresent yourself as someone whom you are not.
Ironically...and sadly this thread was entitled: Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries. How does one protect their personal boundaries Andea...when there are people like you clearly intent on on overstepping your own?
