Author	Thread: What to do if wife wants marriage to end
mrcountryside View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 25 Dec, 2012 02:25 PM I have been married to my wife for 12 years, we are both Christians and have 2 lovely children. We have always been very close & she is a very loving person. However the stresses of life including some of her health problems, and my job seem to have undermined our relationship and we have drifted apart. Having said this I was still shocked when she she said she wanted to separate 3 months ago citing my lack of attention and focus on her as a reason which I admit has some truth - I have asked her and God to forgive this, but unfortunately she doesn't think I will change. She has informed me that she has struggled with not being happy for a few years but has tried to hide this and deal with it herself rather than together which clearly cannot work. It's all basicaly down to isufficient communication. There is no - one else involved. She move out 2 months ago which was devastating but we do get on quite well and share the children equally. My wife no longer attends our church as she doesn't want to be where I am but she has found another place to worship which is good. The only time she gets angry is when I make it clear that I don't believe we should divorce because I feel we have a future together after we have had some space apart. She has also found it frustrating that I haven't told everyone I know about the situation. She will not see a counsellor as she has made up her mond the relationshiop is at an end. The whole experience has given me greater understanding of Gods Word bringing me to my knees in worship; I have realised where I have gone wrong and need to allow more of Gods grace in me to deal with issues that arise in most marriages. My difficulty is this; My wife seems desperate for me to move on by finding a new partner and has informed me that she intends to do this at some time in the future. I think she must struggle with this as she has strong faith. I feel that I cannot give up on my marriage because it would contradict Gods Word and the problems we have can be worked through and resolved. I have a firm belief that I should remain faithful to my wife until she feels different however long that may take. I believe that this is in the interests of us both and our children. My wife feels that I am "very sad" trying to hold onto something thats dead. We've had a lovely Christmas day together as a family at my wifes home but she maintains our relationship is strictly as friends and that there can and never will be anything more. I know that this experience is for a purpose and that God will use it for good - but it's very difficult to know the best way forward. Any advice would be gratefully received. Bless you Post Reply
mrcountryside View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 10 Jan, 2013 02:16 PM Perhaps I should clarify something. Whilst this is technically a dating site, it has great value in enabling Christians to find other Christians and provide a means to collectively encourage each other. Through this post I wasn't just seeking advice for myself, but feel that others (men & women) who may have similar problems could benefit from the posts being circulated & its been great to get the feedback above. In preparing your profile you are asked to state what you are looking for eg marriage, friends etc. One of the criticisms from my wife is that I have perhaps been too focused on the home and family and not had enough friends outside, although I do interact with a large network of people in my job. I clearly state in my profle that I am seeking loyal friendship and surely it would be foolish of me to sit at home dwelling on the problems rather than seeking new Christian friends who need encouraging - after all none of us can know Gods plan for our futures. At least then if my marriage is over I will have a supportive network of friends and opportunities to find a new love. On the other hand if my marriage is reconciled, I'll have a wider network of Christian friends & a testimony of endurance to share with others. Post Reply
Lukia^ View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 11 Jan, 2013 05:25 AM Sorry about this.When one is in it it feels like its the worst thing that can happen to anyone.What i can say to you is God works in good and bad for those who love him. I went through the same though mine was worse coz it involved infidelity.I tried to hang on and tried all i could to keep the relationship but it failed.At last i had to leave.It hurt so much that time and it wasn't easy at all to move on.It took many years to get over it,but now when i look back i don't regret at all for what happened. I understand why you want to hang onto your wife,its only human.But sometimes we have to let go.Start to examine yourself now and tell God to give you guidance on which route to follow from there.As much as you don't want divorce,you will not be able to force your wife to stay,she has already made her decision. Believe that God has the best plans for you.Take heart. My advice...don't get into any relationship for now,allow yourself to heal and focus on the future.Whatever happens care about your kids they need you. Post Reply
mrcountryside View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 12 Jan, 2013 12:20 PM Thanks so much Lukia that's very encouraging, as are many of the other comments that members of this site have taken the time to prepare. I'm very grateful and am focusing on getting closer to God, widening my circle of Christian friends so that I can encourage others through the gift of encouragement that God has blessed me with. I know in my heart that whatever the outcome God will bring much good out of it, & at the moment I'm handling it fairly well with strength that comes from the Lord. Post Reply
algomaboy View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 27 Jan, 2013 09:19 AM My x wife did the same to me, she just left me one day. i read that your wife tried to hide her feelings from you. if I read that right she is in error not you. She chould have made her feelings known a long time ago. her refusing to go to counciling is also her fault. My x told me i did nothing wrong. you can write me in private if you want someone to talk too. Dennis Post Reply
View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 4 Mar, 2013 07:47 PM Dear Mr. Country I've been on the other end of this spectrum. Trying to do everything that I could to save my "marriage". The deciding factor that I came to the realization of way to late, in our "marriage" was that only he could make those changes if he was willing and if he wanted too. I prayed til I was blue in the face I spoke the opposite of what his terrible behavior was to me. And unfortunately when it all came down to the wire he wasn't interested in giving up the sin he was in, to heal our marriage. But, as we attended many different forms of marriage counseling. I gathered many wonderful & useful tools that I hope maybe helpful to others. 1st one I would suggest you read is If Only He Knew by Gary smalley, Then His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr.& Love Busters by the same author,Then Sex begins in the Kitchen by Kevin Leman, If she's willing to watch a DVD FireProof and then both of you take the Love Dare challenge. It's a book associated with the movie. Yes! The GREATEST thing you can do for your wife is purchase a copy of Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie Omaritan. It teaches in simplistic words how to pray for your wife and what to pray for your wife on a daily basis. In order to be a Healthy, Whole person for her or the future Mrs. you have to be the best you can be and the strongest in the Lord that you can be. After you've done all you can to save your marriage in the natural stand back and see the salvation of the Lord thru reconciliation or His release whichever He choses. Alot of men not only neglect there wives, but, they also lay down there priesthood rites, they won't lead the family in any Spiritual area such as church attendance, daily prayer, Biblestudy etc. maybe even physical too. Which in turn causes a women to take on a role God never intended for her to take up. Then she has been forced to take the lead and usurps his authority. A man of God is supposed to lovingly lead his family not brow beat them and become a dictator . If you've fallen short in any of these areas REPENT before God ask for forgiveness then change the way you think & act. Ecclesiastes 4:12 And start over with the Father leading you.:)If you have anymore questions or comments please feel free to inbox your message to me. I'm here to help if I can:) Post Reply
Jewels133 View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 13 Apr, 2013 03:59 PM Pray for your wife. Have an honest conversation with her about it. If her chief complaint was that you weren't spending enough time with her, or paying attention to her, ask her if she would be willing to "date" you again, so that you have a chance to give her that. If she says no...then obviously there is more going on than what she claims. I suggest the two of you reading two books: The Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie Omartian (for you) The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian (for her) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (both of you) They could save your marriage. If she's really not willing to do anything or make any effort to save your marriage, then you'll have to accept that you have done your part to make peace. You may be husband and wife, but you are also brother and sister in Christ. Matthew 18:15-16 explains how to handle conflicts. If she is so selfish and prideful to not want peace, there is nothing you can do but pray for her. As such, you are no longer spiritually responsible for her, and you need to let her go. You can continue to pray for her from a distance and pray for reconciliation at another time. She may eventually come back to you, even if it takes years. Post Reply
View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 9 Jul, 2015 06:04 AM Hi Mr countryside. I'm writing from Cape Town, South Africa because ive been through what you are going through and came out on the other side. We were married for 30 years. Most of it was stormy because of our insecurities. I'm no great looker, so when she came into my life, I fell for her hook, line and sinker. I was 22 and she was 20 when we married. Legal here in South Africa. Ive been a born again, spirit-filled charismatic from the Word of Faith persuasion since the age of 14. Grew up on a diet of Kenneth E Hagin Snr, Oral Roberts, Kenneth Copeland, Jerry Savelle, Creflo Dollar, Rick Godwin, Casey Treat, Happy Caldwell, John G Lake, etc. I'm sure you get the picture. A Word Faith, tongue talking, devil terrorising, bible bashing, miracle working, hands-laying, pray-for-you- healing-right- now, child of God. Got it? So when my wife started 'acting up' I would go to prayer and start to declare. Took me a l;ong time to see that I was insensitive and running away from dealing with the issues in my life, nevermind those in my wife's life. Then she started having affairs. I refused to deal with the issues. Was a pastor of my own church by now. It hurt, a lot, but I pressed on. People were getting saved, healed, delivered and filled with the Spirit. Church was growing. God was good. Till she left again. This time for six months. The kids and I soldiered on. I kept that home going and provided stability. Friends began to tell me that they had seen her with someone else. I refused to listen to their 'tales.' Just kept on keeping on for the Lord. When she came back, like nothing happened, I insisted we go for professional counselling. She stalled and fought it like a cat in a bag. But eventually we went. She was quite happy to contribute to the discussions about my shortcomings, but the minute the counsellors tried to discuss her issues, she refused to co-operate and that was the last of the counselling with that counsellor. We went to three more professional and two spiritual counsellors but the same thing happened. I had a feeling of impending doom deep in my spirit but I resolved to try harder. Left a well paying job to spend more time at home at with the church. She got worse. Eventually I couldnt sleep in the bedroom and moved in with one of the kids. Then she wanted me out of the house. I left as early as I could for work and stayed as late as I could. That wasn't good enough. Nothing was good enough. It was a nightmare. She began to have delusions such as of me trying to poison her, having another wife and children somewhere else, began to follow me around to work and church in her own car to confirm my appointments. Went to two of my superiors at university and told them I was sleeping around with students and they should fire me. Also reported me to the church board accusing me of adultery. I was suspended for two months while a team comprised of church leaders and members of the oversight body of our church was appointed to investigate. My eldest son was seconded to be on the team. At the end of the investigation, no information was forthcoming, no evidence was found and the team dismissed the accusation and reinstated me. I offered to leave the church or stand down from my roles and responsibilities but it was refused. Then my wife went around privately to all the women in the church and convinced them that I had deceived all the men and women in leadership and they should leave the church and join up with her because God had told her to stsrt her own church. People left in droves. The church dwindled from 275 people down to 8 on a Sunday morning! I offered to resign and just remain to work as an ordinary member. The leadership refused and began a visitation programme to invite everyone back again. It looked like it could work. Then the final straw. She had a warrant issued for my arrest for domestic violence, divorce papers served, an interdict against me barring me from coming into my own home and a maintenance order requested, all within the same week. I was arrested and jailed, had to organise bail, couldn't go back to my own home and couldn't see my children. One of my sons had to fetch my clothing and my car because I was barred from doing it myself. Now you might rightly say that I probably have left out a lot of stuff. I did. Its the stuff I'm too ashamed to tell anyone of how I was treated in private, by my ex-wife, my own children, my family, her family, some of my friends, and my church. However, I believed that I should not fight and that God would fight for me. Neither my children nor my family were happy with my decision but I believe the Spirit of God was guiding me based on my faith and trust in God and based on the scriptures. And God came through for me. The domestic violence case was thrown out of court for lack of evidence. The maintenance claim was thrown out when the childrten asked to live with me. God immediately blessed me with a five bedroomed, four bathroom, double storeyed house near to the church, for a ridiculously low rental amount. Her divorce lawyer was someone who had studied law with me at university so he actually made sure that the terms of the divorce settlement were amicably fair for me. However it all affected me deeply when the children finally opened up and told me how she had poisoned their minds against me from a young age, how she had had affairs with various men during our marriage, and how she had finally divorced me because she told them God had given her a better, younger, unsaved man. At that point, I realised that all my prayer and fasting had been futile because she was deceived and wanted to end the marriage. I had to be vilified in the eyes of her family and the church so that she could be justified in her choices. I cried and asked God what happened. He simply said, "Sometimes people simply make bad decisions. Other times, they change and don't want to repent and turn away from their sin. You just make sure that you remain faithful and fulfill my purpose for your life." I began to understand again that God is in control, no matter what happens. Now, five years later, two of my sons are happily married and serving God with their wives. The younger pigeon pair are at home with me but both studying at university. They are also spiritually strong young people serving as youth leaders and on the worship team in the church. They have a newfound love and respect for me and appreciate the warm, loving, respectful and affirming environment I have created for them in our home. I do not have any romantic relationship with any woman at all. I have been seeking and trusting God but nothing has materialised. I was referred to this site and it is great, but mainly women from the Philipplines have shown any interest at all. Maybe one or two from this country but none from my city. And I'm okay with that. Its kind of lonely but I'm trusting God. The church is growing again. Gos sent in more people and most of our old people are back. I'm still lonely, but strangely, I'm happy. If you can understand it. The other day I told the Lord not to worry too much about that request I put in for a wife. It can wait. He told me, "What do you mean? I've been working on it for over twenty years! I know what you want before you even need it. I know what you are going to ask me long before you need it. I'm God! Dont you know what that means?" I said, "I get it Lord. It means you're totally awesome." And he said,"Yeah! And dont you forget it, buddy!" Cheers God bless Ps. I remember one day after the divorce came through, the children asked me, "Dad, do you still believe that God put you and mom together by divine appointment? After all that has happened, do you still think it was God?" That was a tough one, but immediately the Holy Spirit said to me, "Son, that not the question. They really want to know if their very existence and being was all in God's plan. They need to be affrmed. Do it now or lose them!" I looked at my kids and my heart almost broke as I said, "Yes. I still believe it absolutely 100 percent!" They said, "But why? Look at all that's gone wrong. Mom's got another man and you're all alone. Our family is basically shattered and non-functional. What evidence have you got to the contrary?" I said, "All the evidence I need is sitting here in front of me, guys. You are the evidence. You are the proof. God needed four awesome children like you which only your mother and I had the physical and spiritual DNA to produce. No one else on this planet could have produced (and I must say enjoyed it) and had the privilege to raise four totally awesome kids like yourselves!" They sat stunned but satisfied with my answer. And I felt the Holy Spirit slap me on the back of the head and say, "Good on yer, son! Good on yer!" Post Reply
Geel View Profile History	What to do if wife wants marriage to end Posted : 10 Aug, 2015 02:31 PM Our God knows the end from the beginning. He is the only One that can turn our mess into a message. Be still and know that He is God! Post Reply

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