Hi. I would like to repost an old thread today based on something that happened to me on this site back in 2009, and I venture to guess it has happened to others since then. The incident stirred up a question that begs an answer: Sharing your past...when is the right time? Here's the details:
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favorable. It was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense.
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon." Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone suggested that we should not share our past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true. Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy . . . that the woman who has my "rib" is part of me . . . and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known, then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So, is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship, how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on one's honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you, and her love has blinded her to your faults?
You are right bcpianogal when you say that someone sharing their past can be a bit scary.
Here is another point worth noting: Someone willing to honestly confess all the gory details of their past early in a relationship does NOT necessarily mean they would be the right partner. I recall sharing very intimate details of my past with a woman because she shared the same with me. We shared back and forth like this for awhile. I thought because she was so open and honest with me and I with her, that she must be the "one." I was shattered to discover that she was not sincere.
Your good advice at the end of your post is worth repeating: "So what am I doing? Keeping an open mind and praying about it a lot. And when he finally tells me, I'll ask God to help me know what to do."
I don't know if there is any "right time", but like already shared, it is wise to reveal your past, otherwise it could be considered deceitful, if not completely open and honest. I think it would also be wise to reveal things kind of early on.
Sometimes G-d puts people in our lives as prayer partners, friends and they are not meant for a deeper emotional bond. Maybe, they are there for a short season of our lives, but I think we can learn from these friendships and relationships, which helps us when G-d does put the right person in our path, if it is His plan.
"Sometimes God puts people in our lives as prayer partners, friends and they are not meant for a deeper emotional bond. Maybe, they are there for a short season of our lives"....thank you Shalom for sharing your thoughts.
I do not think people should feel pressured to share their 'life story' with all the gory details with someone they have never met. I think you should share whats important to you when you feel ready to do so. It can be tempting to confess all as you perhaps still feel wrapped in guilt for your past. But the Bible says there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus :)
You have to get to a know a person to judge how they will take the information or even if they will keep it confidential. Obviously if things get more serious you will have to mention things coz you need to be open in a relationship.
Although i would be inclined to want people to know the real me now (in the present) rather than fill their mind with what i have done in the past.
For example I have a disability and use a wheelchair but dont always mention this online until a person has got to know me say after a few emails- because I want them to know the REAL ME and not judge me. And hey if they do judge you then theyre are not ''the one''.
mushroomgirl89..."Although i would be inclined to want people to know the real me now (in the present) rather than fill their mind with what i have done in the past." ..That is a good point. Thank you for sharing. :angel:
