Hi. I would like to repost an old thread today based on something that happened to me on this site back in 2009, and I venture to guess it has happened to others since then. The incident stirred up a question that begs an answer: Sharing your past...when is the right time? Here's the details:
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favorable. It was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense.
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon." Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone suggested that we should not share our past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true. Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy . . . that the woman who has my "rib" is part of me . . . and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known, then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So, is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship, how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on one's honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you, and her love has blinded her to your faults?
Perhaps the degree of sharing makes more difference than the exact time. I know that I'd appreciate something in the first few emails that says, "I wasn't saved until my late-20s, and I'm not proud of the life I lived before Jesus got hold of me. I'm a different person now, but when you are ready to hear about it, I'll be happy to share more." That lets me know that there is "a past" that probably needs to be discussed at some point, and prepares me for the possibility that it may be a difficult or shocking discussion. It also lets me know that the guy is willing to discuss it at some point.
Eventually (and prior to getting engaged), I would want to know everything (no, not every teeny tiny graphic detail in HD, but at least a very complete picture) about a guy's past, because his past makes him who he is. Hopefully, dealbreakers would have been ruled out by that point, of course!
Thank you bcpianogal for being the first to respond to this thread and giving us a fresh perspective.
"Perhaps the degree of sharing makes more difference than the exact time"...a good point you make in suggesting to hint at one's past without divulging it. But then, what do you do, if by hinting, you have now peaked the other's curiosity? Now they want to know all about your past, and perhaps they are not ready for it. I found myself in this exact situation where I had peaked someone's interest, and realized it was too soon to share.
But even more than one's past, what about one's present struggles? Christians have their battles with sinful desires every day. And in some cases, they may be struggling with a besetting sin of which they desire the victory, but have not yet tasted it. Would they be wise to confess such things or should they hold their tongue? Are they being deceitful by saying nothing?
Come on everyone...jump in on the discussion and let us hear your thoughts. :angel:
It is better to share intimate details with people whom u are already intimate with. Like a longtime friend or your pastor or your brothers and sisters. Not with someone u just met a few days/weeks/months ago on the internet or any place else for that matter.
Nobody is perfect, we all have our own history/herstory and sooner or later we will share it with people who are close to us. Only the people who love us will know how to handle such intimate information with care.
I once starting simply 'talking' to a girl a long time ago... we never went out on a date, never went past the 'talking' literally, phase. I talked with her about 2 weeks and found out she had a past with a drug dealing, murdering, and forceful ex-husband who swore he would kill anyone she ended up with since she divorced him. That kind of information was definitely need to know and something i would have needed to know up front rather than later. Thankfully, God's will was that i not end up with this person, for reasons such as doctrinal beliefs which were critical to any future relationship.... and needless to say, learning that she had been married to a man who she allowed to continue to take advantage of her out of fear without going to the authorities meant there was drama there i didn't want to be a part of. (thank God i never got the chance to meet this person, and for the peace He did not give me.)
Therefore, some information can slowly come over time, but if you have something going on that violates your conscience, and you are not at peace because you are refraining from something the person needs to know about, then you need to tell them in a tactful, sensitive, and thoughtful manner...without beating around the bush of course. God doesn't want us to mislead his daughters, and if we are his children, we need to be honest. Lastly, take comfort in knowing whomever God will bless you with God will prepare to receive the news of your past and grow with you.
Continue to pray for your future spouse, that she is a godly woman who loves the Lord, and that you will be ready to meet her when the time comes.
Thank you for sharing from your personal encounter, and the advice you give is so good it's worth repeating here:
"Therefore, some information can slowly come over time, but if you have something going on that violates your conscience, and you are not at peace because you are refraining from something the person needs to know about, then you need to tell them in a tactful, sensitive, and thoughtful manner...without beating around the bush of course. God doesn't want us to mislead his daughters, and if we are his children, we need to be honest. Lastly, take comfort in knowing whomever God will bless you with God will prepare to receive the news of your past and grow with you."
It definitely is important to share your past with someone you might be interested in having a relationship with. This isn't something I would discuss on a first meeting or anything crazy like that, but if things are beginning to get a little serious and there's a connection, I definitely think it's best to tell them. The important thing to remember is that God has someone out there who will accept you no matter what your past is. We've all messed up. I like to get things out in the open pretty quickly because it would hurt a lot less to scare someone off early than it would later on.
Thank you Meagan for sharing your thoughts. You made several good points, one of them being: "The important thing to remember is that God has someone out there who will accept you no matter what your past is." ..that's encouraging.
You have come on here before and used women's post to make a point. if a woman did that to me I would never write her again. My private messages are just that,private.
i know that in the past I gave the same advice. Why have you not taken it.
I'm actually dealing with something similar right now. I've been talking to a guy on another site, and he let me know right off (and I think it was even in his profile) that even though he was raised in a Christian home, he hadn't always lived a very Godly life. He said that God had completely turned his life around, though. He didn't go into more detail than that. He is gradually sharing more about his past as we get to know each other better, and he told me that once he feels comfortable doing so, he'll tell me everything.
Part of me wants to run in the other direction because I have no idea what he'll tell me. My over-active imagination is running wild and coming up with all sorts of horrible things he could have been involved with.
Another part of me wants to give him a chance because everything he says makes me believe that he really is a great guy. And if his past really is in his past, then who am I to judge him for it? Granted, there could be things that have current consequences, so I need to be careful not to just ignore his past.
So what am I doing? Keeping an open mind and praying about it a lot. And when he finally tells me, I'll ask God to help me know what to do.
