Don't know how this will go over but wanted to share something very recent in my life, an adventure of sorts. Hope y'all don't mind...
here's part one
Once upon a time there was a handsome old prince from the land Redding...lol
Since the beginning of my divorce I've had to move a few times because work had declined dramatically in the last 4 - 5 years and after the first year of separation beginning in early 01/07 I hadn't been able to manage to afford a place of my own having driven myself past my means into debt trying to live and keep up C-support. So I've bounced around from staying with my younger brother(41) in early '08, who also was divorcing around the same time as me, for a month or so. Then came here (where I am now again) near Sacramento staying with my friend in early '08 for a few months. He was also going through a nasty divorce involving his 6 month old triplets and their scornful mother, it was/is a bad bad scene for him, really makes ya wonder about our justice system in a case like his. He had work at the time but work got super slow for him too so we had to part ways and I went back to brothers in Sept '08 to try and squeak out a living back home again 'till he decided to move in with his GF in mid July '09 (I was saved by this time), then after that stayed at my older sis's about 4 hrs south of Redding for around 2 weeks to help remodel their master bath put in new bedroom carpet and install some tile in their new shower and earned a few bucks there. I didn't ask for it but they paid me well in spite of it.
~There's way more that happened during this almost 3 year span in time above and much is left out, that will have to be a story for another day... ~
It was then when I really didn't have many more options for where to go but had been getting along with the ex (bitter feelings of the past having been somewhat resolved) being on friendly terms, and was welcomed to stay there for a while on the couch both of us thinking it might be good for the kids. This started out okay, I kept up the house and fixed all that had been neglected since I'd left, picked up some jobs here and there, was getting involved with some of the guys from church (this I miss badly right now), also with much free time I was here on CDFF chatting and had met this one woman from a certain northern mid west state. Living there (at the ex's) also included dodging her attempts to hit me up for Sxx, she thinking it would be okay, being familiar with each other, and as long as the kids didn't know. That was awkward but I held my ground declining offers! She rarely wanted that in the 18 prior years??? Well it wasn't long before the younger 2 kids grew resentful toward me and any attempt to talk or just go do something fun was unsuccessful. Came to find out later they had been complaining to their mom that I wasn't wanted there, though my ex did because I helped out a lot and helped enforce rules of the house and such. It was awkward for them seeing me not working much and thinking I wasn't providing much C-Support and to them I was doing more church stuff and reading the bible than looking for employment. I already was dealing with much guilt but this really piled it on knowing they didn't respect me even knowing jobs are scarce these days.
So early October one evening my having a couple of cocktails in her, ex told me of these things so I made plans to get out but needed 4 days to finish a job I was on so I'd have some money. She agreed but the first thing the next morning she said I needed to get packed and go, so I did. She knew I'd been talking with someone and this may have played a part in her asking me to go so quickly I'm sure. I gave my brother what he wanted of mine, left some useful stuff for her to keep or sell, it didn't matter to me. Took till evening to get out so the kids witnessed this (me leaving) for the second time in 3 years. great huh? I said goodbyes and received not a word or even a look. Talk about feeling crushed! I was hurtin for certain! I was loaded and left without a word of my plans for my trip. My youngest brother 38 has a travel trailer that I was able to stay in for a few days while finishing my work. Sooo...
I met this woman from a certain north mid west state and had chatted and spoke verizon to verizon with her for almost a month during my stay at the ex's. We got along good and had many similar things happen in our lives and common beliefs. She was a mother of 11 kids, twin boys 14 and a 19 yr old girl still at home. She is a tall woman, same height as me and from what I could tell from her photos looked attractive to me. I'd always preferred shorter women so this was odd but what the heck. I learned later in this story that this woman has a heart of gold, I love her and who she is but not in a way to make a go of it long term as a couple. Between some house cleaning and other sources she was reasonably stable in income and able to stay afloat barely. She is a Messianic believer and studies with a group in her town of 10 to 15 folks on any given Friday study, and Saturday of course being the Sabbath, I think that is neat. I really enjoyed this group of people while I was there. During the time I met her, me still being in Redding, her ex had been staying in a spare room similar to my situation, only he was steadily employed but not her kid's father being from her second marriage. In the time we were chatting we were much support for each other and she knowing I was to be leaving my ex's and kids home, invited me to come out and see her and stay there, even till spring if necessary since my van is 2 wheel drive and doesn't like chains. Her ex was to be out within a few days, also having talked with her kids got the thumbs up from them concerning my visit, so we prayed, talked and made plans.
At that point felt like I had no reason not to go and figured that I would need approximately $1,500 bucks to get there and back if necessary and have a few bucks extra cash so this is the amount I prayed for, if it was something God was a part of then provision would be made. The job I'd been working on put in my pocket $500 then 2 more jobs came through my long time pal popped up bringing $1,300. more for 4 days of work. Minus expenses incurred I had the amount asked about.
I went and visited my Mom and older sis and bro-in-law (also had already told my 2 brothers in Redding, talked with my Pastor and a couple other Christian friends from bible study) and told them of all that had been going on with my ex and kids and of my plans to meet this woman and was expecting much negative feedback. Surprising no one Christian or non had a negative opinion, only support and well wishes thinking an adventure might be a good thing at this point. Must add that my intention was not to leave for good, just to give some space and get away for a while and see what's out there outside my little comfort zone. Thinking back and remembering as a younger man I had no idea what a comfort zone was...my backyard was the setting sun, the horizon was the limit. Maybe this was just what I needed to do is get away. So... to infinity and beyond! lol
Bro-in-law plotted my course and sister provided enough snacks for a small army. I left my teary eyed sis and Mom standing in the driveway and bro-in-law heckling them as I drove off.
Now, I have one more brother living in Bozeman Montana, he has been an outcast of the family, in and out of jail pretty regularly through the years, being one of those who blamed our parents rigid upbringing for all his problems in life, ripping them off a few times and playing on Mom's feelings to get inheritance money while she still lives walks and breathes. I hadn't seen him in 10 years or so and before that it had been maybe 15 yrs more. I did want to see him though and Mom asked that I would too since it was on my way. So I got there late afternoon on the 2nd day of my trip and about 900+ or so miles under my belt, only 1,000+ more to go. He was a little shorter and heavier than I remembered, still has all his hair though, but still the same ole " cocky he's a tough guy attitude" but must admit he actually seemed okay and to be doing well enough for himself. His daughter 16 was with him (a sweetheart) but maybe a little too streetwise for her age, and his son 14 was off hunting so I didn't get to see him. We visited for a while then he needed to return my niece home to her mom, make a pit stop at the pawn shop for a cash trade then afterward he wanted to show me a couple of his favorite local hangouts(bars).
After dropping her off It was then that I told him that I had given my life to Christ and I had quit drinking a few months ago. Truthfully as a side note: I did quit, but on a couple occasions I have had 2-3 beers with an old friend while visiting, or even now might have one now and then if the mood strikes me. He replied he talks with God daily and respected my belief and so ended that conversation as we pulled up to the first hangout. We talked some, caught him up on some of the recent events of our family since he hadn't heard much about the rest of our family except what Mom's told him in her short phone conversations, these days you're lucky to get her to talk much more than 2 minutes no matter who it is. We finished our beers and left to the next stop, I wasn't thrilled about it but it was nice seeing him and hanging out again. There were more people at this joint and he knew most of them, we ordered 2 more beers and couple shots of Yeager, I was getting in deeper than I wanted... we tapped glasses and downed the shots then I nursed my beer for the duration while he drank and ordered twice more of the same. We left after that, him saying he's okay to drive (and seemed so) and both us agreeing food should be our next stop being dinner time, then on home since he had work the next day.
In the truck we were talking about some old issues concerning his actions and he not understanding why the whole family is still mad at him, why can't we just get past it and move on? He'd forgotten what he'd done! Things like pawning off some of my Mom's fine silverware handed down from her Great Gramma, some of my Dad's collector guns dating back to I forget when, my younger brothers really grudging over that, and Lord knows what else along with 'afore mentioned things he'd done. So I began reminding him until... well as luck or design might have it we got about 2 blocks and there's lights flashing behind us! Go figure!
I was instantly reminded of the last adventure me and this same brother had when I was 23-24. We took a trip to Pueblo Colorado, him having lived there a while had friends there and thought it would be fun to go together. We didn't have much money by the time we got there and were looking for jobs right away, sleeping and bathing down by the river, surviving on some meals at his friends or on those free Mc nugget and french fries coupons Mickey D's was giving out at the time. One night we drank and in the wee hours ended up in an argument over I forget what and traded punches ending with him getting a bloody lip and gap between his teeth. In anger we unloaded his bags out of the trunk of my car and parted ways. Next day found out from one of his friends he'd been hauled off to jail on prior warrants and wouldn't be out for a while. Feeling no reason to stay and still mad at him I called an old boss I'd been working for in Houston previously (there are some gaps in this story) who sent me money to come back and work, so I did... didn't see brother again for maybe 15 or more years as previously mentioned.
back to the story now...
Here we are, about 7pm it's gotten dark and kinda cold out side, brother reciting his ABC's forward and backward, walking the line... you might know the routine the cops put a DUI suspect through, like a cat getting every ounce of fun playing with a captured mouse before it's exhausted then dies. Then there's me, sitting in the truck praying and wondering why I would let myself be put in this position? I know better than this! Here I am a born again baptized saved by Grace believer and who would believe that? Brother was again hauled in arrested on a third strike DUI, the cops let him toss me his keys for his house and truck with his apologies but they wouldn't let me drive it as I blew just over the safe limit, think it was .06. I was allowed to park the truck for him though to avoid it being impounded, I came back the next am to get it back to his place. Well I didn't know where I was in relation to where my brother lived but knew it was near the mall in town, of course none of us thinking to get the address from brothers drivers license. So one of the officers offered me a ride because he said he basically knew where the neighborhood was from my description and could drop me off.
We got to where he thought the house was but I didn't recognize the neighborhood or street at all! The cop got edgy and said this would have to due and had me get out. I thanked him kindly with much sarcasm and started walking. It was cold and I only had a tee and sweatshirt for cover but as it turns out it was fairly close...his place was within a couple miles from where I was. I walked toward the back of a strip mall with a large building that was a movie theater I recalled seeing earlier that day on my way to brother's house, but still not sure exactly which way to head from there. Got to the front of the theater to be greeted by some Christian guys all the way from Oregon witnessing to folks going in and out of the theater. I walked up to them and they asked if I was lost, little did they know... I told them of what had happened that evening being honest about it being that they were brothers in Christ and when finished I was asked if I was really saved having been out drinking and smoke on my breath, nothing like grindng more salt on the wound! Yes I was wrong, yes I am convicted and guilty as charged, yes I am cold and hungry, could you help me out please! One began to giving me his testimony, when I recalled I had talked to my niece on her cell phone that afternoon as I was coming into town so I politely broke away and called her and she knew where I was and talked while I walked to brothers place explaining to her what had happened. She'd been through this with him before, she's a tough cookie at 16 but I still felt like a creep for letting this happen! Lord how is it I do such stupid things?
Found the house finally and had gotten the phone number a to close friend of brother's to call that could help in finding out his status. I talked with him a while and he said he'd call me with an update when he got it and to get some food and rest. A couple hours go by and he calls to let me know he got through and there is no bail so I may as well sleep and call in the morning to try again. Called next day and was told he'd have court by video at 11am and it was likely he would be staying for a few months. Not really knowing what to do, all I could think of to help was get his truck home and get his keys to his friend, so that's what we did and I went on ahead with my journey, his friend assuring me he'd do what he could for my brother as they'd been down that road together before. As it turns out, I left but they released him for a few days with an ankle bracelet and he was able to set things in order before going to serve his time in county. We spoke for some time, exchanged apologies, promises to keep in touch and promised next time our visit will be different. I know it will be on my end, I hope it will be so on his.
to be continued... well... if I'm not kicked outta here :winksmile:
thanks brother K, the next part I want to be careful about plus we have some work this week so it'll take a few days.
I know this does paint a real pretty picture of me, seems like I do more stumbling than walking sometimes, but Jesus is working on me... I know it in my heart and my eyes are looking to Him. just trying to share a testimony and be open about my walk.
Its alright Jim, Jesus didn't come for perfect people, and if He had, we would still be awaiting His Birth. Shame is something we all have in our rear view mirror, and any who claim otherwise would fall under that counterfeit Christianity thing Pastor John Hagee spoke on yesterday. It not about where you have been, but where you are and where you are going with the Lord Holding your hand.
dear jjar, bro your openess and honesty are very refreshing to me. you have gained even more of my respect from this. ya see cause you got the want toos,,, you want to do the right things.. temptation is all around us everyday.. and you who wants to do right and is tryin very hard to.. well satan will try his best to keep you from doin so.. its when someone gets to the point that they dont really care or have the want toos that he kinda leaves them alone some.. but yet those who wanna do right well hes gonna throw you a bone .. hehe
its a daily battle my friend.. but the war can be won. WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE..
just do the best you can ..if ya mess up ask forgiveness and dont look back .. keep your eyes forward and your focus on JESUS.. youre gonna be alright my friend, good LORD willin.. just hang in there.. and keep doin the best you can and listen to your heart.. the SPIRIT will let you know when things are wrong.. just fight it ...
Hey man,that was one of the most interesting things Ive ever read on here,Ill be waiting for part 2,......My life was even worse than that.....only I was playin the role of the jailbird brother.....I got so many DWIs...but that was before christ saved me!I been sober and out of prison,and working steady for 9 years now..Praise God....raised my daughter during that time too!God loves to fix broken people,Matter of fact thats just about all you find in the bible...I kind of get suspicious of people that havent suffered or struggled,.......I know Im a sinner!Thats what makes me so grateful....Ive been forgiven much.....Some of these people on here dont get me.....Thats ok cuz god does....heck he chose to save me!I didnt deserve it,none of us do according to the bible,praise god man....stick with him....he works all things according to his will.....and he says a good work he started in you he will surely finish.
I think that is the most genuine thing I have heard you say, and it just makes everything come together for me now. I couldn't agree more about what you just said. It is what I call "Trial By Fire" Christianity for those who reach out for the Lord from a very dark place do seem to come away with an understanding that those who have not struggled do not understand. Maybe we just don't learn as quick as other people and are just so stubborn we need the remedial course or something. But there is something about walking out of a world of chaos and confusion into a world of peace and simplicity in Christ that word just can't quite adequately express.
I nearly bled to death in a loveless abusive relationship of my own making, isolated from everyone that cared about me before I found my way to cry out for the Lord, knowing that He was the only one that could fix me and my situation.
That was twenty years back, and not one day since have I not grown in Him, for every day He amazes me more as He shows me who I am in Him, and what I can do with Him in my life.
If I can grow this much in twenty years separate from the Lord by this world, can you imagine how much one can grow in an eternity with Him once satan is removed? I do not know that my mind is big enough to wrap around that for what it truly means.
Congrats Steve on nine years. You must let us know when you hit that ten year mark, cuz we will definitely have to shower you with a cyber party, for none of us needs to tell you how remarkable you are as a person, but I think we would certainly like to!:party:
(Your daughter is a lucky girl to have such an amazing Dad!)
Hey brother Steven, glad to hear from you man! I'm sure we could swap some stories but naw... the future is lookin much brighter now being a saved man for sure! Can't wait for the day I can say it's been 9 years now. I am grateful also for our God of second (and third chances). Amen to the Praise God brother and also thankful for a great group of peoples here and their love and support.
jjar, thanks for being so open and sharing your story! It's really good to see things from others' perspectives. As for the drinking and smoking and whatnot, don't beat yourself up over it. Technically, those things aren't sins anyway, but they sure aren't good for you. Paul writes that "Everything is permissible for me"�but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"�but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor 6:12
I have a problem with eating too much. Now don't misunderstand - this isn't just a problem of overeating now and then, it's a serious problem and no matter how many times I turn from it, I still find myself going back every so often and sometimes I just crash and eat uncontrollably. And then I beat myself up and eat more out of guilt. Please realize that my problem is just as bad as drinking and smoking. For me, it's like an addiction and I find myself turning to food for comfort rather than to my Creator.
The point, though, is that I'm learning to resist temptation little by little. It is an uphill battle, but God gives us the weapons we need to fight - we just have to learn how to use those weapons. One thing I've learned that is very helpful is to fight the temptation square in the face with scripture (which is exactly what Jesus modeled for us!). The scripture I find most helpful is "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Cor 5:17)
When I pass a pile of cookies and want to take five, or when I walk down the ice cream aisle and want to buy a whole gallon, or when I walk past the cookie dough and want to eat the whole thing raw, I remind myself "I am a new creation - the old is gone and the new has come!" And in that moment, I choose to leave the past behind and to embrace the "new me" which God has transformed me into - and so I choose to take only one cookie instead of five, or the smallest ice cream container rather than the largest, or skip the cookie dough altogether since you shouldn't eat raw cookie dough at all.
I'm not sure if this is exactly what you were hoping to hear, but I felt the need to share it with you. I hope it has been an encouragement to you or even someone else reading this post. God Bless!
heckling them as I drove off.