Author	Thread: Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective
NarnianGirl View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 20 Sep, 2022 07:53 AM Hello all, There is something I have experienced in my own life many times, and many other single people I know have come across that as well. Why is it that divorced people are considered more worthy of marriage and a new spouse than those of us who never have been married (and thus, never had any divorced either)? That is a pattern I have noticed in churches, on-line as well as 'in real life'. So much has been said and written about the pain and trauma of a divorce, the emotional toll it can take, the financial difficulties etc.. there is a lot of compassion, understanding and support for people in that category... but the pain of long-term singles is often forgotten, and totally ignored. Just recently, I was encountered the dynamics again.. people were willing to enthusiastically pray for a twice-divorced lady so she would find her third husband... but when I did ask for the same as a never married single woman, I was told off and ignored - 'oh, just focus on the Lord', 'be happy and content as single' etc.. The same platitudes I have heard for decades. How hard would it be to show some compassion to someone who's NOT divorced, but has been rejected and abandoned by men without marriage?! It is just st so cruel and baffling.. not to complain too much and in detail, but as a life long single woman, I have also suffered from loneliness and financial difficulties as well.. the constant chronic heartache can be just as devastating and harmful as the acute pain of a sudden divorce. It seems that the attitudes about divorce and divorced people have gone through a 180 degree change in recent years. If before there was a stigma attached to divorce - and women were often unjustly blamed if they divorced their abusive husband -, now the pendulum has swung to the other extreme, and divorced women are seen as wonderful, mature, 'worthy' of love and happiness etc.. and those of us who have avoided an abusive marriage are seen as non-viable partners. Yes, I am talking about the church - Christians!! Many times have I supported and prayed for someone who went through divorce, only to see them find new love within a year or two - and when I in turn asked for support and prayer, they did not offer any. It doesn't seem to matter if a person has been divorced twice, or three or four times.. they are always seen as valid partners,.. and they can appeal to God's grace. so, I ask.. why isn't the same grace applied to those of us who are still single? Why are we often judged, as questionable, unreliable, asexual (or whatever).. if it's all about grace? Please, show some grace to us as well.. I won't bring up all the cr*ap I have received from divorced men (and women) and their attitudes, but there has been quite a lot.. My appeal to my divorced (and widowed) sisters and brothers.. you at least had your moments of happiness and joy, and often are blessed with children. Many of us singles are not, and we have gone through many disappointments. Please, take some grace that you have been blessed with, and show some of that towards us... pray for us singles, support us, introduce us to potential partners etc... and speak out for us, if we are left out and ignored. Most likely, your church has a support group for divorced folks, but very few churches have anything for never married, single people. Since it is so easy for divorced folks to find new love, how about spreading some of that joy, and finding spouses for us singles too? Post Reply
NarnianGirl View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 20 Sep, 2022 08:28 AM .. I do get it also that no every single, never married suffers too much from their singleness. Just like not every divorced person is traumatised either.. I know it can be a relief. I'm talking in general, from the people I know and am friends with.. every single. never married woman has prayed for a husband for many years :-) and heard all the typical, 'ah just focus on the Lord and He will be enough' (while divorced people are encouraged and actively helped to find new love.. what happened to equal treatment? lol) Post Reply
Jayzeee View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 22 Sep, 2022 11:41 PM What an interesting topic I found that when I was newly single in my early 30s the vast majority of Christian men I met were put off by the fact I had never married & didn't have a "divorce" under my belt...:-) Post Reply
NarnianGirl View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 23 Sep, 2022 02:30 AM Isn't that weird, Jayzee. Just shows how the church - and many Christians - are mych like the world I have come across believing men who have met the same problem.. divorced women thnking and saying that too risky to date such a man, he cannot possibly understand enough about marriage .. Post Reply
NotSettlingYet^ View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 26 Sep, 2022 12:11 AM Let me post some hope to this thread. I am single, never married myself, and people have been extremely supportive towards me finding a husband. It also seems like around my location churches doesn't encourage divorced people to remarry, they focus on praying for the singles to find a spouse. I also don't find that good men are put off that I am single never married. The man I am currently dating tells me all the time how huge his respect is for me and my boundaries knowing I have no "past". He loves my singleness very much. Post Reply
NarnianGirl View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 26 Sep, 2022 04:07 AM That really does give hope, NotSettlingYet... Sounds like your church has a healthy perspective and attitude. Please ask them to include me in their prayer, too. Norway is nicely located not too far, I'd gladly to meet someone from there.. LOL.. So glad to hear about the man you have met. Sounds like a real keeper... Post Reply
NotSettlingYet^ View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 26 Sep, 2022 10:05 AM Thank you. I hope you find someone interesting. My uncle is a single 54 year old Christian man in Norway, but not spending time on dating sites. I think I know quite a few single Christian men around the city of Bergen in your age group... maybe you could go there sometime to visit churches, or attend a Christian conference there? Post Reply
NarnianGirl View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 26 Sep, 2022 12:42 PM I'd love to visit Norway - preferably when there already is a contact with someone. Randomly going to an event hoping to get to meet people has not really worked.. especially with men. Single men tend to be quite shy at Christian conferences, and I most certainly would not want to try to hunt for anyone.. Would be lovely to meet someone through introduction etc.. Post Reply
PristineUntouched^ View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 4 Nov, 2022 11:05 PM Hi Narniangirl, thats a great experience you have shared. And that is real going on around the globe. I sometimes feel that its totally unfair but I still have hope because being young, fresh, single and never married is my identity and that makes me different from others. I still have faith, trust and hope in God that He will one day give me my heart's desire of fulfilling His plan in Genesis 1:28 'Be fruitful & multiply' as I am just one of HIS creation. Thanks & blessings! Post Reply
dance2cedm View Profile History	Single vs. Divorced / Widowed - a New Perspective Posted : 22 May, 2023 10:39 PM Wow, NarnianGirl, your story is heartbreaking. It doesn't make sense to me...as I read it, I have the same questions as you. I mean, I've heard of people being afraid to date never-marrieds ("what's wrong with them that they've never been married?"), but I've never heard of church people treating never-marrieds with such a contrasting difference from divorcees -- unless it was the other way around, where the divorcees are looked down upon. I hope you can find a supportive Christian circle that is caring and sensitive to your struggles. Post Reply