I'll be copying and pasting the majority of this from the blog series I've been writing, but my first ever meet-up with any member of any dating site came from this very site, and in that respect, I have to give props.
I've been contacted by more women in a week on this site than I have during the entire year and a half I've spent on other sites.
I think this place has the potential to be a great place to find some great dates-----when people are honest about who they are.
So let's be honest here, folks: I'm far from perfect. I have more than my fair share of flaws, quirks, and things that might have the potential to make me seem less attractive and/or dateable in the eyes of some women.
I imagine the fact that I have a passion to write unapologetically and honestly about myself and my life's experiences is probably one of them, but I think it's important that I give people the opportunity to learn from my mistakes...and if they have a good laugh along the way--so much the better. But when I tell you about the train wreck of a date I recently endured, I am by no means attempting to say that I was (or am) Mr. Perfect for the duration of the night either.
That said, my view of "Amanda� and her character, spirituality, her true heart, and how attractive she was before the date had done a complete 180 by the end. After a mere hour and a half of being talked at (there wasn't a whole lot of "conversation" going on) I came to realize that this girl had more issues than the entire back catalog of National Geographic.
I don't think there was anything I could have done to salvage this date from my end because--from all the later information I'd gathered about her--she had essentially decided what the outcome of the date was going to be before we had even met, and admitted later on that she was distracted by the thought of another guy she was talking with on the same site.
So, where did I fit into this? I was someone who was available and had expressed a willingness to listen and a desire to learn. She--on the other hand-- had a ridiculous overload of unnecessary, inappropriate, rude, mean-spirited, and contradictory verbal vomit to share with me (under the guise of "being blunt and people not taking me the right way") and really didn't give two figs to learn anything about me. Joy.
Wish I could have known that before I drove an hour away, but as bad as it was--I'm still glad I went. Afterall, I can't imagine a date going much worse than this one did.
I met Amanda through a free christian dating site and I actually found it quite refreshing how quickly she was desiring to meet up face-to-face. Overall, I�ve been incredibly impressed with how many people I�ve been able to contact and how open they are to the possibility of meeting. I've been a member of quite a few dating sites in the last year or so, in the effort to get out of my comfort zone and try to meet new women, but this was my first opportunity to meet up with someone.
I have to give her props in that regard in the very least: Amanda was not a time waster and she definitely has a spine.
To get a better idea of my first impressions of Amanda, let�s look at her profile:
"Hey, my name is Amanda, I am 22, I am almost finished with college, and right now i am student teaching and I love it sooo much. Some of the kids are hard to deal with, but i really like it even though it's tons of work. I am an energetic person. I am motivated, fun, outgoing, free spirited, and i am very passionate about my faith is Jesus. He is why I am here and i strongly believe that my life should be focused on following him 100%. I am not perfect, but i am definitely trying to stay focused on God. As far as what i am looking for, i am looking for a guy who is 22-30ish, taller than 5'8 lol since i am tall, someone who has a faith in God who wants to grow with me, someone fun, and that will love me for who i am (eventually of course)"
Now, if you're a guy like me you're like "WOW! What a breath of fresh air! She seems like she really knows where she's called and what's important to her, and her head seems to really be in the right place spiritually."
And of course, it doesn't hurt that she's pretty high on the cuteness scale, either.
In order to protect and respect her privacy, I'll keep from posting any pictures of her, but if you want to get a good mental image, think of a cross between Heroes� Kristen Bell and a young Meg Ryan--but dial back the "adorable" about 1.5 to 2 notches to the 6.5 to 7.5 range, and take away the smile.
She was skinny and fit, had a short-cropped bleached haircut, and dressed very conservatively--but her outfit still had a cool amount of expression and class. I really liked how she dressed. She dressed like I want my future wife to dress.
Basically, you could tell she was a teacher, and in that regard, I found her modestly attractive--though I wasn�t by any means falling all over her or intimidated by her in the looks department. Why am I getting into this much of a description of how she looked? Stay tuned. It�ll help put what she said to me at the end of the date in perspective.
:glow:Praise God for the talent that is so rich in His family! You are a fantastic writer and if you aren't already I hope you will explore the avenues your writing talent open!
Listen, I gotta tell you - SisterJulia is right on the money. Before I saw her post the thought ran through my mind: I'd love to see your date's side of the pancake!
Many have asked me have you read the "Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus" book...to which I must reply: No...I own it...but have never read it - yet. No reason...just haven't read it.
Still as you described your dating saga, as a woman I picked up on a few things that speak from the female perspective in SOME regard.
Giving this lady the benefit of the doubt - assuming that she is NOT crazy, rather just a normal lady: Her entire demeanor from greeting to the end is a lady who is unattracted to or at least disinterested in you for whatever reason! Lack of eye contact, verbal ramblings, rants and raves all meant to draw a line for you not to cross. Don't get me wrong. I'm not even remotely suggesting that her handling of this situation was even near correct...Obviously she is a lady who either has trouble drawing boundaries in acceptable ways - hence the vitriole you experienced in the form of snyde remarks and rude behavior or was just too shy to say: "This isn't working for me, I'm sorry God must have someone else for each of us".
Either way assuming the best about your date her lack of eye contact, "crazy" behaviors including talking too much - saying all the inappropriate things and ESPECIALLY the walking were ways of avoiding any "get to know you better" type conversation...my goodness you thought you were being dragged around? Imagine how tired she mus have been dragging you!lol The poor dear, walked or ran until she had no where else to go and finally had to rest!
I AM NOT CONDONING the behavior. It was not even close to what a mature, self-esteemed person (male or female) would do! I am only suggesting that perhaps she really is from Venus! When I read your saga it is clear to me that unless you really want to write her off as "crazy"...she comes across as someone lacking the skills, desire, or willingness to just politely excuse herself from your presence as a mature woman would. The incessant babbling and walking were designed to avoid intimacy (sharing herself/her world) with you early on so that she would not have a bigger job later should you (somehow) "want more"! In fact, I might even wager that some of the outright rudeness and quirky behavior was over the top so as to ENSURE you wanted nothing else to do with her!
At the end of the day you escaped with your pride and honor in tact because you were certainly the consummate gentleman...bringing a sweater for her? How sweet and thoughtful of you. Next time you get a girl who won't look at you in the eyes, walks you all over God's country and makes "crazy" remarks you'll at least consider that maybe..."she's just not that into you" and thank God for keeping you from stepping into a major problem!
Please remember men and women are taught to behave differently in our society. Fair or unfair, many women prefer a man to "take the bull by the horns" in every situation - not me...lol but many women! If you had just stopped her somewhere around indicator number 2 and said, "Look, I don't know what it is but I'm a little put off by..." you would have "given her permission" an immature or reluctant lady needs to "hurt" your feelings so to speak - not that it would have mind you!! Point is she doesn't come across as crazy so much as perhaps a bit immature and unsure of how to excuse herself from a date that neither one of you were enjoying much...she opted instead to adopt the passive aggressive role (more acceptable in society) spewing venom and setting a new mall marathon record rather than simply "manning up" (forgive the pun) and speaking her mind.
I am happy for you and her ....God has someone just for you and someone just for her. Alls well that ends well...:glow:
thank you so much elise for posting. I echo your thoughts. I honestly pity the girl. Just imagine if she were to know that she was being feasted on this so called CHRISTIAN FORUM because she was still immature and not able to convey her thoughts feelings honestly and directly... Yes I also read men are from mars and women from venus. I thought it was quiet unfair that this post was so one sided but he is entitled to his feelings onlyi just dont feel its right to post it for all to see. It would have been nice to read the side of the lady.
The thing is, her side of the story is very simple.
She wasn't attracted to me and lacked the decency to tell me that she was shallow--so we could have cut the date off. Instead she decided to use me as the target of her dump truck full of emotional baggage.
She doesn't have much she can hold against me, because I was hardly given the opportunity to talk at all, and when I did, it was always to ask her more questions because she loved talking about herself so much. Or she would even cut me off during the few times I was speaking.
There was an actual point in the conversation at starbucks where she said "I don't know what to ask you".
And I said, "Just give it a shot"
Which she followed up with "We already talked about what music you like, so I don't know what more there is."
Are you kidding me?
How sad is that?
After the near hour and a half I spent listening to her complain, prejudge, and just be downright rude, she made absolutely no attempt to know anything about me. The only way I can describe it is conversational vampirism.
I was absolutely exhausted for 2 days straight after that night.
If she was bothered by me bringing my dogs, she's extremely inconsiderate.
I listened to her go on and o about how she was looking for a puppy for a total of no less than half an hour between the 3 phone calls and IM conversations we had before meeting for our date.
Someone here said bringing my dogs on a date seemed "desperate". Really? So you're telling me that after a half hour conversation where your possible date rambled on about dogs you would have no inclination to introduce your dogs to them? How is that desperate? I was simply trying to make a nice gesture and thought it would be a cool surprise.
"The thing is, her side of the story is very simple."
Sorry you don't have that right - to tell her side of the story. I think what people have been trying to get across to you is this:
Yes. You are right the date was a disaster but the bigger question is what can you take away from the experience to make YOU a better date?
I could be wrong but I get the sense that you find it difficult to accept that everyone will not see what you see in yourself or about yourself for that matter. I'm sure you are a real catch...for the right lady...God decides who that lady is though...and please believe me SHE (the right lady) will sing your praises so that you don't have to - she will appreciate the small things you do to be considerate like bringing an extra sweater, walking all over the mall and going out of your way to "make nice". SHE (the lady God has for you) will fit you like a hand in a glove!
I know its hard - we've all been there: Knowing our own virtues and not understanding or wishing someone of interest could see them!
What I'm trying to say is this: God has a divine will for our lives and the mates we end up with...that this date didn't work out is not "happen-stance", nor should she (your date) be maligned or spoken ill of anymore than you should! If you believe God has a divine will for your life, and a lady meant to compliment your life then go with the flow of the river. Turn around, face forward in your canoe and look for the next great thing/person HE will allow to cross your path...it may be that that person won't be "thee one" either!! When we are comfortable trusting God we learn not to face forward and move WITH HIM knowing confidently that HE has more experiences and adventures around the corner that will grow US...not someone else but US! Have you ever heard the saying that a person who continues to focus on the rearview mirror is bound to crash into something?
My dear brother I tell you this in love: We feel how disappointing and hurtful (whatever words you choose) this date was for you but please understand this: Life - all of life, is designed for OUR growth in God and we cannot grow if we insist on being side tracked from the miraculous journey (that is your life) planned by a most awesome God who has already declared the end from the beginning. Put it this way: You start out in a small stream - a tributary to an upcoming river - a sea of adventure and mystery, replete with lessons God has designed just for you...it opens into an ocean called Gods will for your life and there my brother all the loose ends of your life - including your mate (who will think the sun rises on your head every time you burp) is waiting for you...Don't get your canoe stuck in the brackish waters of the tributary. Don't become or appear to others what you accuse her of being "shallow" just because she is not that one - you don't have to comment on her or put her down...it just makes it look like you need to do that to feel better about yourself...We already know you are a good guy. Why not chalk this experience up to a lesson God had for you to learn? You have learned much: Next time a lady refuses eye contact, talks incessantly, walks all over the place and makes rude comments - "SEE YA, WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA". Thats a valuable lesson.
If it helps, I went thru a similar experience. I agreed to go out with this guy (on this site) who turns out went to my very own church...so he said. Our first meeting? A mall store. He had warned me he was shy and so when we met - I knew right away I was unattracted to him...still, because of my personality and my belief in decency, I was determined to make him feel comfortable. My attitude with dating is this: We never know the purpose God brings people into our lives, maybe just to be friends and nothing else right? Anyway, I wanted him to feel comfortable and so I was my usual warm self. I hug everyone: Pastor, father, friend, dog...thats just who I am. I greeted him with a hug - he hugged me back. I asked him if he would feel more comfortable walking hand in hand or preferred not...he really was shy and I didn't want embarrass him. He said "Sure" and grabbed my hand. We were off for our "mall walk-a-thon" get to know you better evening. We ended up going to a movie. I noticed he seemed bothered by my rather gregarious people person personality...A lady in line for movie tickets chatted with me...I chatted back. We got popcorn headed into the movie and he said he had to go to the restroom. When he came out, he found me waiting and guess what? Engaged in conversation with another lady waiting for husband to exit the restrooms. The whole time I could tell he was feeling "put off" or something. Remember I was never attracted to him physically from the beginning...still maturity and decency demanded I treat him with the same dignity and honor as I might someone I was attracted to...I wanted him to have a nice evening out and I wanted to have one too! After the movie, he opened doors for me (all of them) and he suggested we sit down and talk a bit. I was not interested in getting to know him on any deeper level and so chose my exit gracefully - not by lying or leading him on but by probing the truth: "You seemed a bit put off by my friendliness and outgoing personality earlier were you." He mumbled "Not really" but I could tell it was a lie. I said, "You know, I wanted us both to have a nice evening out and I hope you did cause I did." His response was to ask if he could walk me to my car. I agreed. At the car he 'fessed' up' : "You're a lot more outgoing than I am but I like it." I ended our date by saying this: "Thank you for a great evening I'll see you at church sometime."
Now heres why I did that: God has made me who I am personality wise. I am happy with that. I like- no love my personality. I am not mad at him because he is more an introvert and shy but what I did not want to do was live the rest of my life with someone who openly sulked about the person God has made me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were not a match and no harm no foul...I just thanked God through Jesus Christ for the experience and for keeping me from stepping into a pit of being miserably mismatched out of "desperation" with the wrong person - for me! See?
Your date was for your knowledge and experience about yourself. Theres nothing wrong with you. Nothing wrong with her. Be excited, be glad for the adventure you are on because although you can't see it, God has already writtent the end of your journey and get on with brother! The outcome is better than good...it is most excellently designed for you by God! The same way hers is. ok?
I know I'm not perfect, and I even admitted a few of the things I did to back that statement up during the date.
I also said multiple times throughout my re-cap that it was a valuable learning experience.
However, I still feel like I was cheated out of simple mutual human respect, and that's frustrating.
I feel like we're retreading ground that I already covered.
Your story made me cringe.
I don't know a guy on the planet who wouldn't think you were into him if you asked him if he wanted to hold hands. I've never in my life seen a guy and girl holding hands that weren't dating.
You are right - we are retreading ground and engaging in a conversation that is neither helpful nor warranted. I am not a right fighter. Be blessed and hopefully take away something from all of those who enjoyed your saga but offered perspectives different from your own.
The world does not revolve or center around us as individuals...that is called egocentrism. You felt, thought, did what seemed right to you and it was your experience to have.
Why not accept the compliments given rather than trying to stir the pot?
You write very well.
Your story was entertaining.
Most who read it seemed to commiserate.
Others, like myself, hoped (objectively) to be more open to the possibility that your "date" was something other than crazy and or shallow. Thats all.
As for my "date" making you cringe: Fair enough! Your reaction - everyone's reaction is honorable and accepted! You see brother...I am not a right fighter. I love the fact that we as humans have the ability to communicate and discuss things openly...we learn from one another in this manner. We don't have to be right or wrong...the value is the discussion that allows us to experience perspectives different from our own. No need to defend our positions or get into a verbiage war. Not my style. I love diversity of culture and yes even of opinion. Thank you for yours. Remember in the book of Proverbs: A wise man recieves instruction...in other words we are not meant to be "know it alls".
My date, whom I was on a date with since I am dating:glow: is a very good friend of mine now. Holding hands was his choice, not mine and we were and are both ok with our date night. The story was meant to encourage you not debate or otherwise rub you the wrong way. I suppose if we all simply agreed with your perspective and commented only on how well you write it might have been better for you? Ok...well you definitely write well and what a gift that is!
Be blessed and stay strong in the power of HIS might my dear brother.
PS: Next time you're in the chat forum check out the series I've started on being single and dating...you just might like it!
