I'll be copying and pasting the majority of this from the blog series I've been writing, but my first ever meet-up with any member of any dating site came from this very site, and in that respect, I have to give props.
I've been contacted by more women in a week on this site than I have during the entire year and a half I've spent on other sites.
I think this place has the potential to be a great place to find some great dates-----when people are honest about who they are.
So let's be honest here, folks: I'm far from perfect. I have more than my fair share of flaws, quirks, and things that might have the potential to make me seem less attractive and/or dateable in the eyes of some women.
I imagine the fact that I have a passion to write unapologetically and honestly about myself and my life's experiences is probably one of them, but I think it's important that I give people the opportunity to learn from my mistakes...and if they have a good laugh along the way--so much the better. But when I tell you about the train wreck of a date I recently endured, I am by no means attempting to say that I was (or am) Mr. Perfect for the duration of the night either.
That said, my view of "Amanda� and her character, spirituality, her true heart, and how attractive she was before the date had done a complete 180 by the end. After a mere hour and a half of being talked at (there wasn't a whole lot of "conversation" going on) I came to realize that this girl had more issues than the entire back catalog of National Geographic.
I don't think there was anything I could have done to salvage this date from my end because--from all the later information I'd gathered about her--she had essentially decided what the outcome of the date was going to be before we had even met, and admitted later on that she was distracted by the thought of another guy she was talking with on the same site.
So, where did I fit into this? I was someone who was available and had expressed a willingness to listen and a desire to learn. She--on the other hand-- had a ridiculous overload of unnecessary, inappropriate, rude, mean-spirited, and contradictory verbal vomit to share with me (under the guise of "being blunt and people not taking me the right way") and really didn't give two figs to learn anything about me. Joy.
Wish I could have known that before I drove an hour away, but as bad as it was--I'm still glad I went. Afterall, I can't imagine a date going much worse than this one did.
I met Amanda through a free christian dating site and I actually found it quite refreshing how quickly she was desiring to meet up face-to-face. Overall, I�ve been incredibly impressed with how many people I�ve been able to contact and how open they are to the possibility of meeting. I've been a member of quite a few dating sites in the last year or so, in the effort to get out of my comfort zone and try to meet new women, but this was my first opportunity to meet up with someone.
I have to give her props in that regard in the very least: Amanda was not a time waster and she definitely has a spine.
To get a better idea of my first impressions of Amanda, let�s look at her profile:
"Hey, my name is Amanda, I am 22, I am almost finished with college, and right now i am student teaching and I love it sooo much. Some of the kids are hard to deal with, but i really like it even though it's tons of work. I am an energetic person. I am motivated, fun, outgoing, free spirited, and i am very passionate about my faith is Jesus. He is why I am here and i strongly believe that my life should be focused on following him 100%. I am not perfect, but i am definitely trying to stay focused on God. As far as what i am looking for, i am looking for a guy who is 22-30ish, taller than 5'8 lol since i am tall, someone who has a faith in God who wants to grow with me, someone fun, and that will love me for who i am (eventually of course)"
Now, if you're a guy like me you're like "WOW! What a breath of fresh air! She seems like she really knows where she's called and what's important to her, and her head seems to really be in the right place spiritually."
And of course, it doesn't hurt that she's pretty high on the cuteness scale, either.
In order to protect and respect her privacy, I'll keep from posting any pictures of her, but if you want to get a good mental image, think of a cross between Heroes� Kristen Bell and a young Meg Ryan--but dial back the "adorable" about 1.5 to 2 notches to the 6.5 to 7.5 range, and take away the smile.
She was skinny and fit, had a short-cropped bleached haircut, and dressed very conservatively--but her outfit still had a cool amount of expression and class. I really liked how she dressed. She dressed like I want my future wife to dress.
Basically, you could tell she was a teacher, and in that regard, I found her modestly attractive--though I wasn�t by any means falling all over her or intimidated by her in the looks department. Why am I getting into this much of a description of how she looked? Stay tuned. It�ll help put what she said to me at the end of the date in perspective.
One tad eccentric, I mean the negative side of eccentricity. LOL if I was the one you dated, we both would have enjoyed it, promise. I love dogs too haha.
As you can imagine, I was starting to get irritated. But rather than simply throw in the towel on a date that I drove an hour to be with, I decided that I was going to see this through to its bitter conclusion, and maybe--just maybe--by then I'd have the opportunity to talk with her about some of these things, so she could better prepare herself for her next date.
After the whole ordeal about the stupidity level of "The Office", the next words out of her mouth (and out of left field) were "I think that guy's so ugly."
HUH? What the heck are we talking about?
Then I noticed she was pointing to a nearby cardboard cut-out of Edward Whats-His-Face from that newfangled Twilight movie with which the tween and teen girl crowd seems to be obsessed.
"Don't you think he's ugly? All the girls seem to think he's hot but I just don't think so at all."
Deep breath, Kyle.
"Hmmm...I've never really given it much thought, but he does have a bit of the cro-magnon look to him, especially with with that huge forehead."
No response, other than a perplexed, weirded-out look.
Oh man. She has no idea what I'm talking about...too intelligent of a comment to use with a fourth grade teacher..
Yeah, I do that sometimes.
Then again, a LOT of the more intellectual stuff I'd say would go over her head--as she's about the most superficial person I've ever been in this much contact with.
We left F.Y.E. empty-handed--me wondering why we entered in the first place. We spent a total of maybe four minutes browsing the front part of the store, her sharing her opinions on Lost and the Office, and the ugliness of Edward Vampy-Face-Too-Insignificant-For-Me-To-Remember-Or-Care.
"So, is there anywhere else you would like to go, Amanda?"
Amanda looked directly across the mall at the next store, and with the next words out of her mouth I knew: this was it.
It was the moment when I undoubtedly realized this date was going to be headed nowhere but further down the toilet for the duration of the rest of the night. Yet I refused to call it short; having committed myself to the idea of finding some redeeming quality in her. Or holding out for the possibility that she may eventually tire of talking about herself and take some kind of interest in knowing me.
The store across the way was a Borders Express.
Blatant I-Should-Have-Walked-Off Moment #3:
"Oh! I want to go to Borders Express."
I was well aware of the fact that this girl's plans for the evening seemed to consist of flying entirely by the seat of her pants and giving me banal commentary on everything we came into contact with, but I was determined to stick it out and see if she didn't loosen up her judgmental attitudes (or maybe just "shut up") a bit, if someone actually took the time to listen to everything she had to say.
Now though, I felt like she was just testing my patience to see how much contradictory, annoying behavior I would tolerate before running away screaming.
So, what did I say?
Are you freaking kidding me?
Didn't we just come from a much bigger and nicer Borders? Why is this one better to you in any way shape or form?
You are absolutely insane.
Nope.
"Alright, cool. Any specific books you like to read or are looking for?"
We were once again wandering, (and still at a rabbit's pace) so I decided to rephrase my question in a more sly manner:
"So, what books do you like to read?"
Amanda's head was feverishly darting from side to side, up and down, as she made a visual assesment of the book store. Reflecting on it now, her behavior seemed to not be too far removed from all the caricatures I've seen of a certain famous fictional british detective. All that was missing was the magnifying glass and the weird hat. She was clearly looking for something, or at least attempting to look like she was looking for something.
"Eh...I read everything."
Great, Amanda. Thanks for helping me out once again.
We stopped by the bargain book discount rack, and she briefly picked up a coffee table book and started leafing through it when I noticed something and voiced it.
"Hey, looks like they've got a lot of the same books here that they had at the other Borders."
I made sure to keep from emphasizing the word "other", but she did give me a bit of a look.
"No really, I was walking around through the discount section there, and I think they were actually cheaper. These are buy three get one free, but I'm pretty sure those ones were buy two get one free."
She came upon one of the staff people there and asked for his help, despite not giving me any clue as to what we were there for.
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the pet books are?"
The kindly associate walked us to the "pets" section where naturally I assumed---
---"You're looking for something on owning a new dog?"
"No, not really."
Her fingers grazed the tops of one of the rows of books, appearing to look selective, when she stopped and pulled out an animal encyclopedia and starting leafing through it.
She began poring over all the different animals contained within, and I couldn't help but smile to myself a bit. It was moderately cute to observe Amanda's refusal to acknowledge her obvious nervousness and whacked-out behavior, in favor of the desire to learn about different species of animals.
"See, Kyle? I'm not really a complete psychotic. I literally had planned all this time to come in here--to this OTHER Borders---and look at an animal encyclopedia."
I can't remember what the name of one particular species was, but she mentioned it's name as she sought it out within the pages, showed it to me, and began reading some of the facts on it.
I engaged myself a bit more and a twinge of hope went through me as I felt like we may have found something in which we shared some level of common interest. Not to mention, for the first time since the date started, she was talking about something other than herself. I would have been content to stand there for a few minutes and look at the book with her, but almost as quickly as she opened it, she closed it back up and said---
---"You might think I'm weird for this or whatever, but just taking the time to learn about animals and stuff makes me kinda happy and more satisfied with life. People talk about how miserable and difficult the world is right now, but I dunno, just doing something like that cheers me up a bit."
Again with the "prefacing what she was about to say with how she thought I was prejudging her" thing. DON'T do this to your dates, ladies. It makes an awkward situation MORE awkward.
I respectfully responded, "No, I don't think it's weird at all, Amanda. I think animals are fascinating, and that learning about them can be quite enjoyable. Especially if it's something you've never seen before or knew existed. I know I'd never heard of that one you showed me."
Apparently, that wasn't the right response, because we immediately left the store.
As we were continuing our fast-paced, aimless journey around the outside of the mall, I began to refer back to something about the book when--for the first time--she interrupted me in the middle of speaking.
"So, there was something I wanted to ask you about. What do you thin--"
"---Whoa, that's so weird, I think I know that guy from my high school youth group."
She was pointing to one of the mall's rent-a-cops.
Me: "That is weird."
Silence.
Me: "Did you want to go say hi or something?"
"No, that's okay. I just thought it was weird."
I didn't mind this the first time, but no less than 3 more times in the next hour, she interrupted me in the middle of whatever I was speaking on--in favor of mentioning something about her knowing someone she saw, or something in the immediate surroundings that had nothing to do with what I was speaking on. It was truly like being on a date with a four year-old at times.*
Keep in mind, that as it was, I was barely given an opportunity to speak. It became abundantly clear that Amanda has no clue what it means to actually LISTEN to someone, though she's more than happy to whine and complain about how nobody seems to listen to her.
But don't worry, the date didn't end without me getting the final word.
------------------
* though at least with a four year-old I wouldn't have to worry about learning her entire sexual history, being told that it's a miracle she wasn't pregnant, and that a lot of people think her behavior is "slutty"
......* though at least with a four year-old I wouldn't have to worry about learning her entire sexual history, being told that it's a miracle she wasn't pregnant, and that a lot of people think her behavior is "slutty"......
I was drinking pop when I read this line - warn a sister next time. LOL!!!
We came upon the mall's Starbucks, and--much to my surprise (also: "relief")--Amanda decided she wanted to go in and sit down.
I happily agreed. I bought her a cup of coffee which she thanked me for and purchased an iced passion tea for myself, before we sat down at a table right in the middle of the store.
I thought this could be where some real connecting discussion could actually happen, but it turns out, Amanda thought she was sitting down on a therapist's couch. We didn't get right into that, though. First she needed to dole out some insults toward my appearance and personality.
"So, if you don't mind me asking, why'd you go and do that to your hair?" *
She was referring to the fact that I had recently bleached it.
I'm sure I gave her a bit of a confused look. I mean, why would you ask a question that way?
"No...I mean, it looks fine. I was just wondering." she explained.
Again, this is not the right way to ask this question. It isn't even so much the question that's being asked as the way the question is being asked. A much friendlier and less-confrontational manner to ask this would be "Looks like you bleached your hair. Me too. What made you want to bleach yours?"
Actually, it's a pretty terrible question to begin with no matter what.
What is usually the reasoning behind people bleaching or dying their hair?
Generally speaking, it comes down to being tired, bored, or dissastisfied with your hair (or appearance) the way it is and wanting a bit of a change. It's not something that really needs to be discussed. But, just for kicks, let's list off real reasons people might have for dying or bleaching their hair:
-I'm trying to look younger
-I'm trying to draw attention away from the fact that I'm balding
-I think I look better like this
-My skin's really white so I didn't want my hair to contrast with it
-To draw attention toward my head instead of my body
-To express myself
-I think my regular look is boring
-I'm trying to be "cooler" or "hipper"
-The weather's getting warmer
-I was bored
-I lost a bet
-My friends did it to me in my sleep
-My mom had leftover dye and suggested that I use it
-I was dared to do it
-Because I'm not attracting the kind of people I wish I was and I think this'll help
-Because it's fun
-I don't know
Most of these don't really make for any kind of quality conversation pieces, and are pretty much dead ends. By asking a question like this, you're asking that person for a one or two sentence obvious answer, or to admit and discuss what could possibly be a big insecurity they have.
But just in general, ladies: guys don't want to talk about their hair. Especially guys like me after gleaning a pretty obvious hint that you don't like it. We know you like to talk about yours, and we'll indulge you. I told Amanda on multiple occasions that I thought her haircut was very cute and classy. However, if you're going to bring a guy's up, the least you could do is tell us that it looks good. She didn't say it looked good, nor did she ever tell me anything about me looked good during the course of the night. She said my hair looked "fine", which means she didn't like it and wasn't willing to even compromise on her opinion in that miniscule insignificant area to make someone else feel decent.
If I'd have taken the same attitude, this date would have been over six chapters ago. (I'm sure many of you wouldn't mind that)
So what is my reasoning? I'm not entirely positive but said something like this in response:
"I think I just get tired of seeing the same thing in the mirror every day when I get up in the morning and enjoy mixing things up a bit. Sometimes I have it long, sometimes I cut it short. I don't really stick with one kind of style."
Next we discussed how different our energy levels were--how I seemed like a very mellow laid-back guy and how she generally gravitates toward more energetic, lively guys. Why am I still on this date?
-------------------------
For about the next 45 minutes, she gave me way too much information about herself, her relational history, her health issues and other such things.
One thing that really frustrated me was when she brought up a certain unfortunate physical affliction she has--which I'll keep from naming out of a respect for her that she never showed me. But immediately after telling me about it, she went on about how she has no fear or real thought in showing people her scars from the clothed area where her surgeries had taken place. I had a comparable medical issue concerning my left hand, but when I showed her the scars from it (excited to be finding some common ground) she visually recoiled and acted disgusted by it.
Then she went on to discuss her previous relational history in depth, and while I did feel like she was way too dominating in the conversation, this is when my heart really started to genuinely hurt for her. She's had a multitude of--at the very least-- "unhealthy" relationships, but also, she seems to be dooming herself to repeat the same mistakes because her criteria for judging the merits of a relationship---they're entirely physically-based despite her profile's claims that she's looking for a godly man and that Jesus is number one in her life.
About an hour later we were back in my car, driving back over to the other Borders.
During this time, I finally spoke my mind about her behavior during our date. She admitted on the spot that she was wishing she could do the whole thing over again and in my sympathy and hearing her chagrin, I even offerred it as an option:
"Well, what if we did?"
"What do you mean?"
"Let's just say tonight didn't happen and agree to meet up somewhere else some other time. Start over from scratch."
I sensed a decent soul within this girl that was trying to get out--the problem was she was seeking to justify so much of her un-Christian, unhealthy relational behavior, rather than turn away from it. Sad thing is, it is only going to lead her toward more heartache and poor decisions.
Her response was in essence the most shallow thing I think I've ever heard a girl say (prefaced by "I'm not shallow but...")
"...I just can't see myself cuddling or kissing you, so there's really no point in trying to take this any further".
Given the previous discussion we had had about her relationships with members of the opposite sex, "cuddling or kissing" was her more sanitized, nice way of saying "making out" .
Some guys might be hurt by this kind of bluntness, but really, after hearing about this girl's messed up relational history, and my willingness to give her second chance after second chance, I was utterly repulsed. Any tidbit of attraction I had for her dissipated with this comment.
I countered her with, "No, Amanda. That IS shallow, and you're going to have a very hard time finding a guy if that's the standard by which you judge whether or not a relationship is worth while. Not only that, but that's an extremely immature attitude to take toward finding a mate."
"I'm not going to have a hard time finding a guy"
"Yeah, you are...If you want a decent one."
And that was about the extent of our conversation other than a brief, "Thank you for your time tonight. It was good getting to know someone new" on my end.
-----------------------------------
This is where "Amanda Hugandkiss" got her pseudonym. Despite her awesome sounding profile, she's simply looking for"a man to hug and kiss". Unfortunately, that's the last thing she needs.
There was a point during the date in which I really shared my heart with her, and I'm praying some part of it resonated.
"If I could share one thing with you that God's been teaching me....I've found that throughout the course of my life, what I think I need (or what I want) is often times completely different from what God KNOWS I really need."
I ran into these posts some days ago, and was looking forward to reading the final...That should have been tough...God bless you for your patience...and let's just pray for Amanda, maybe she didn't mean to behave like that..l
Thanks for sharing this...Now I know what not to do on a date.. :laugh:
Ok from a womans point of view, never ever ever take a dog on the first date! To me that just says I love my dog so much I can't do anything without my dog. Don't get me wrong I love dogs, I have one, he is the baby of the house, he even has a seat belt so he doesn't move all over the van while riding, for him as well as for me and others riding with him,(he is a bullmastiff so the kennel stays at home, lol). Also to me it says I am going to fit you into this day, but I would rather be with my dog, or lets see if you get along with my dog right off the bat.
Next a woman that won't look you in the eye doesn't find you attractive, or has very low self esteem. You have to decide that one for yourself. But I have learned there are some tell tell signs with internet dating, if all their pictures they are wearing hats, that is a man going bald and doesn't want that right up front, or they are facing that fact, if they don't face it no one will know. If they post pictures of their past mate, they hope to find someone just like that mate, in looks and in personality, don't even think of dating them, they are not ready and have not dealt with that is over! When you do get to talk to them on the phone, is there about 2/3 and 1/3 chatter back and forth or does one person ask all the questions and answers for the other person, if that is the case move on, their whole world turns because of them or they think you should know everything about them just to have one date, that is a sign they need history to have any relationship with anyone, and not willing to put in time it takes to make history with you. (women use about 2/3 more words than men during a day)
And last it is one thing to be prepared for a date as in having your car clean, you clean and so on, but never imagine how something will go, as in the next step. You will be let down everytime, not just on dates but in all areas. I can't wait to hear the rest of the story! lol Julie
