I do not know what to expect from this but I am just responding to what is called upon me to do.
This is my story/testimony.
I was married for 26 years. 4 years of chasing/courting/dating and 26 years of marriage to my ex husband. We were separated since Feb 2020 and finally divorced awhile ago.
Ex husband
He was a sunday school teacher, a bible study leader and knows the bible better than more believers. He prayed every day. I believed he was close with God. I knew him at work when we were young and brought him to a baptist church. He was baptized in that church.
Everyone looks highly of him in church, he was a very nice man to almost everyone. But he was a different man behind closed door. He did not like my association with my friends, with the church or even with my family. He took me and the kids out of our country to here in the States for decades, to be away from everyone. He was achieving great things at school and received his PhD. He got a job that moved us from the Midwest to the East coast. He was not happy with his university supervisor, he was not happy with his job or his bosses. He vented on us. He said we were leeches and his liabilities. He would not be tied down doing what he does (that he does not like) if he does not have us.
Me
I gave up my career for him and the family. I could not work here for a very long time because of my dependent visa so I got busy with raising kids, keeping the home and volunteering at church. I realized I became quieter and quieter. I hardly speak anymore even during bible study. I was a stay at home mom for 2 decades and my self worth was almost reduced to zero by the time we left.
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The Marriage
Married late 1990s. During the marriage, he laid hands on me and the kids. Took my money and my cards so I could go nowhere. He told the kids I would never earn $10 the moment I step out of the house. He said I was blessed to have a man like him and kids, a dad like him. I took blames for everything and anything. And I kept quiet to all family and friends, hopefully things will eventually worked out. I pinned hope on God, on counselors and church leaders. I hid away from him and the children, cried in the car in the garage, cried in the bathtub, submersed in water. I felt no way out.
I stayed on the marriage, for I know God hates divorce. I tried every possible method I could think of to stay on it. Counseling, classes, praying, nothing works. He never once agree on doing devotion with me (and the kids), said he could never able to pray with me (when I was his wife). I was at my wit's ends. I could only cry and pray.
Then, came Feb 2020. I had been sick for weeks with an autoimmune disease. He came home one day and disowned our oldest child. He also threatened to adopt our other kids out and threatened to walk out of the house, leaving us high and dry. His anger was petrifying. I knew we have to escape. I took all kids and dog and left. Not a single soul in town know. I did not tell anyone, except my pastor's wife and our marriage counselor. They were both not from our town.
He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, It is real, but not everyone has it. When I was in this situation, my brain was always confused and on a roller coaster ride. All love bombing, gaslighting and devaluing are real.
Fast forward to now. God has shown. I am standing on my feet with a job to provide and a second chance at love. This is my take.
1, One who knows the bible does not mean he knows the Lord. “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven." Matt 7:21
2. There are the Visible church and Invisible church. There are people that go to church and serve in the Lord service themselves instead of serving the Lord. And this is Key... Look at their life... Do they bear fruit? Do you see the fruit of the Spirit in their life? "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." Gal 5:22-23
3. Husbands, you are called to honor your wives, even behind closed doors. "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." 1 Peter 3:7
4. Wives, we are called to submit our husbands, AS UNTO THE LORD. I have submitted, my vision was blinded, so it was in expense of the children and my physical and mental health. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." Eph 5:22
5. Trauma bond is real. It is like an addiction. Only way to get out of it is to depend on Christ. Take that one step to follow and focus on Christ. I never look back.
There were red flags before our vows, but I ignored it. He was often short temper even during the years we were dating. He would apologize and chase me back. His anger was like making a mountain out of the molehill kind, especially over some guys talking to me. I was faithful and never wanted any platonic relationship even with any guy. Those were either common friends at church or some guys at work for work-related stuff. He told me he was in love with a woman days before our wedding but that woman rejected him. I was devastated and was contemplating to call off wedding, he came by to violate me. I was so ashamed that I went through with the wedding. I had wanted to marry as a virgin, and he violated me, just days before.
I ignored these red flags and hoped for the best. I was a doormat, and now no more. "“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalms 139:14
Healing is a process, but I am on my way. God is faithful and steadfast even when I have the faith of a mustard seed. I am forever grateful and forever faithful. I will serve and abide in Him in all I do. He has opened the path for me like He opened up the red sea. He will bring me through anything till I see His face. I am perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect, but I love my Lord.
Hope my testimony opens some eyes and encourages you. God never fails. I am a Ruth, in a foreign and lost of a husband and now found my Boaz. This time, it is God's choice for me.
