Author	Thread: Ok John....
sisygirl View Profile History	Ok John.... Posted : 18 Dec, 2013 10:34 AM ...Hope this question will sound as I mean it. I figured that i'm not really good in putting my thoughts in writting. How does one make a difference between 'influencing and changing' if at all there's much difference between the two? This post is inspired by your question that you asked to guys about 'Dating out of selfishness.' I understand from your question how well you meant in a sense of practicing 'christian brotherly love' to a fellow sister that you could be taking out on a date, expecting nothing in return,... When 'dates' are often associated with romance. I hope that I got you right on that note since the 'giver' (the one who asked the other out) is more advantaged than the 'receiver' Advantaged in a sense that, you determine the worth according to your scale of massure, the worth you think the lady deserves since you initiated the date by asking her out. In so doing... Which will hopefully be meaningful and effective to a lady in a positive way that she'll learn something to take with, when/if asked out in future from a romantic level. How then do we (referring to both genders if it was a lady in this case practicing christ-like brotherly love in anyway she may have to a brother) influence the next person without trying to change them since the intention is surely not to change them but making a positive mark? Reason i'm asking is: I've seem fellows marrying with the innocent thought of making a positive mark/influence but when time passed by, the innocence that was well meant and even inspired by love turned out into 'he/she wants to change me' When arguments arise from time to time. What is your thought of influencing a fellow (both genders) without changing or even trying to change the next person. Can we draw a line between the two? If I may accompany my question with a scripture, let's look at how Leah tried to change Jacob into loving her by making him more kids than her sister, and at the end she was never loved. This passage is a little irrelevant from my main question, its only an idea of how one may fight a losing battle from something that was innocently meant. The question is not based on this scripture. You welcome dear to ask for clarity If my question is too detailed and therefore missing what i'm asking you. Post Reply
1jon310 View Profile History	Ok John.... Posted : 21 Dec, 2013 07:35 PM My Dear Sis I'm going to try and boil my answer down to a simple answer for my sake. Hope that it is enough. I believe that every person that we meet or in any way interact with is influenced by us and we are influenced by them. Of course the next question is whether that is a good or bad influence. Beyond influencing another person the next question is if we are in any way trying control the other person through overt or covert methods. Throughout the Bible I see a God who did not cancel out our free will but instead offered us options and then told us the consequences for those actions, good or bad. This is an expression of His fair and just nature. What better example could we have to follow? I hope that this answers you to your satisfaction. If not you know where to find me. r Post Reply
sisygirl View Profile History	Ok John.... Posted : 22 Dec, 2013 09:54 PM The answer is simple indeed Yet senseful as I kept thinking about it. We really can make a difference from 'influencing' and trying to 'change' someone. Was taken to a personal experience that has taken place late last year overlapping to this year early. Had to be reminded of that experience to be able to make a difference between the two, influencing and changing. As I have often shared John that people often want to hook me up. It's just not 'onn' according to them that I should be single for so many years, "something is not normal with me" they say. And yes I must admit that I had moments of doubting myself few times after I had this pressure of finding a mate. I had to do 'self investigation' just so I double check if at all i'm attracted to opposite sex atleast even if I won't have one as a partner. I made an agreement with my former work mate, an agreement that I pulled out sooner when I realized it wasn't gonna work. She hasn't changed her mind on our agreement till this day but she couldn't change me in asmuch as she influenced me. This is how our agreement come about: This lady has such potential business-wise. She's full of ideas and energy, she's target driven and ambitious, she's persistent, hard working. Her performance is beyond description. Leadership is in her nature if only she was noted and nurtured in unfolding her potential I thought. The problem was, she didn't see what I saw in her and therefore couldn't coperate with my plan. I called my cousin brother who has his own company and told him about my coligue, only to find that the season was right, he needed someone to entrust with a new project to manage. He wanted to meet this lady that I spoke so well about. That was the beginning of the 'problem' John. "Why did I went ahead of her and told my brother about her? What if she doesn't deliver? Who said she needed growth? What leadership and potential I was seeing in her?" doubtful questions were endless John until I offered to do her a favor in return if only she shows up for an interview. Didn't take her long to figure out what I should do for her in return of this. I had to go out on a date with her brother whose doing so well I was told, who was told about me and interested in meeting me. That didn't go down very well as I agreed to it just so she makes it to the interview cause my cousin was now on my case about meeting her and she wasn't coperating, arguing why did I went ahead of her, who said she needed challenge? To cut a long story short dear: I saw potential and influenced her daily how much we (me and my bother) believed she can pull this through. But I couldn't change how less she believed in her self. She eventually missed this opportunity fore my cousin would not wait for long when he had business to run. Likewise with me, she could not have me pursuing a relationship with her brother. She could not change my mind in asmuch as she begged me daily to meet up with him atleast maybe I was gonna change my mind if only I availed myself once to go out on a date with him. Both parties had disappointing news to deliver at the end of the day... I had to tell my cousin to forget I said anything about her.... She too had to go back and tell her brother to forget about meeting me cause now she had his hopes up in finding him a mate. Funny I had to understand what was at risk with her brother trusting that she found him someone, when she missed what was at risk in me having to go back and tell my brother to find someone else after his been so interested in meeting her. I can relate with what you said about 'our free will' inspite of what influences us. Thank you dear for writing back Post Reply
1jon310 View Profile History	Ok John.... Posted : 23 Dec, 2013 05:30 PM Your story is a good example. We can put a carrot on a stick to lead a horse but we cannot me the horse go after it. I gave up on trying to match people to better jobs and even trying to get some of my friends together because I think that they would be good friends as well. It's like trying to push that horse previously mentioned. I either get tired from trying to push the horse or I get kicked in the mouth. For better or worse we are judged by the friends we have. When people see our friends flake out the people think that we are flaky as well. Matching people, works for some but they must have a special gift for it. I most certainly do not have such a gift. I have been slowly reading a book for several years now. One of the points raised in the book is that if we try to convince someone that they are better then they currently see themselves they will sabotage the efforts we make so that they will not have to deal with the personal discomfort of seeing themselves differently. I have a fellow working for me that is in this mindset. He has great potential but sabotages everything done to help him reach a higher level of competence in his job performance. Then he blames everyone else for not doing well. He may not be with the company much longer because of this. r Post Reply