No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭10‬:‭13‬ NIV)‬‬‬‬‬‬
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; (‭Isaiah‬ ‭42‬:‭3‬ NIV)‬‬‬‬‬‬
I do not write this for you to feel sorry for me but for you to understand and see Gods love.
When I was four years old I was raped by my grandfather, I would say molested or sexually abused but these terms have almost been romanticised. I never asked for it, something was stolen from me. See God is faithful he won't let us endure things we can't handle as 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, so these memories were blocked for almost 33years. But I was bruised, I carried the feelings and fears just not the facts behind them.
I was raised in. Christian home, my parents loved God and loved Jesus and would teach us to pray and read Gods word. I remember when I was seven, sitting in the car and my eldest sister had asked our mum how to get to heaven when we died. My mum explained how sin had seperated us from God and Jesus died in our place. That if we ask Jesus to forgive us and come into our heart we will be saved. With kid mode full on, I felt left out and so I prayed what Mum had said . Even though it started in jealousy it was real.
A few years later, my father had gone to college to become a teacher it had put a strain on our family financially. The stress levels were high and I had a way of pushing buttons. I would be smacked a lot not because I didn't deserve it because I pushed my boundaries but I did flip the anger switch. I would be disciplined with whatever they could grab. Coat hangers, electrical cords. I remember trying to hide wasn't very good they always found me.
I didn't want to get smacked but it became a cycle, almost addicting, the more I pushed, the more I got belted ( always on the butt) , the more I then pushed. I would take the blame for things my siblings did so they wouldn't cop it. I don't know what stopped my behaviour or their anger but eventually I didn't get smacked anymore.
What it did teach me was, that any mistake gives punishment I didn't realise this till later when following Jesus I couldn�t comprehend grace, I couldn't understand, I didn�t have to pay for my wrongs. I felt I had to prove to God that I loved him, searching for that approval. Never realising I already had it. Psalm103 (look it up if you don't know it, I believe searching for bible truths impact better than being spoon fed) such a powerful psalm the heart of the father one of my favourites.
See I believed grace saved me but I didn't believe grace still covered me. Every time I did wrong God would be there to punish me. I was self conscious not Christ conscious.
For by grace I am saved not by works yet my whole being tried to work for my ongoing acceptance.No one had accepted me in life why would God be different.
If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. (‭John‬ ‭15‬:‭19‬ NIV)‬‬‬
A small child did not understand this and so each rejection became more like that it was because of me. I was bullied at school, they would call me names, steal my stuff, beat me up. I had no real friends through to high school. Grade eight was the worst year. I would hang out with my tormentors just because the alternative meant I walked alone. Again all this I bottled not telling anyone not knowing how. My books would get graffitied, glued together, things broken. I would then get in trouble with teachers as they thought it was my own rebellion to school. I just copped that too I was defeated what did it matter anyway if they knew the truth.
My self worth was at its worse, I would look in the mirror and see nothing. I wasn't a vampire, but my reflection was a reminder of how much I hated being me so I blocked it out. Gods grace alone kept me from suicide didn't even occur to me. Maybe I felt u deserved all the punishment, maybe I felt everything was my fault. No matter the reason I continued down this abusive path and depression.
You can only love others and God as much as you love yourself and well I had no love for myself so my relationship with everyone suffered.
God brings people into our lives who with small things bring us back from the brink, things that they don't even realise are massive in the lives of those they are directed at.
In grade nine a guy by the name of Martin cave turned up at every one of my classes.I don't know if this is normal but he was literally wherever I went. I didn't notice was too self absorbed, too just going through the motions of school. He did though, He saw me. At the second last class he said to me � your in every class of mine do you want to hang out�
That acceptance saved me. Even now I write this with tears and such love for that simple act. We became best mates through high school in and out. I met some great friends through him and I am forever grateful. I started seeing that I did have some worth.
I had issues of course but I didn't hate myself as much.
Year 12 I stayed with my sister in Yeppoon for a few weeks and I saw her and her friends living Christ centered lives. I was inspired I committed my life to Christ. God also showed me I was beautifully and wonderfully made. Or as I like to say God made me perfect down to my imperfections. I still got called names but they had no effect, I was armoured by God. I don't have body issues, I still have acceptance issues though not life crippling. I am who I am if you don't like it that is your problem not mine. God loves me more than you ever will.
1 John. 4
10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Gods love saved me but being foolish and a bit arrogant I took my inheritance and ran from God. But I will talk of this another time.
It's amazing how our life and everything we know can be completely flipped upside down (in a good way) when Jesus takes over.We no longer see ourselves as worthless and a disappointment. But see ourselves as Sons and Daughters of the MOST HIGH. We see ourselves and others as incredibly precious and loved.
You testimony really shows God's incredible power and grace. And also shows how one simple act of kindness can change lives. Thank God for your friend.
My heart is deeply touched by your honesty and wisdom here, and I am in fact moved to tears. The power and majesty and yes grace of our Lord is incomprehensible, to me. I am glad He put Martin in your 9th grade classes.
Your words here have helped me, and I have written some of them down into my notebook. (copyrights notwithstanding lol). These are very powerful to me, for me:
"I am who I am. If you don't like it that is your problem, not mine. God loves me more than you ever will."
"You can only love others and God as much as you love yourself."
Thank you. And may God continue to work in you and through you.
